friend issue (kinda F/U) - long, sorry.

Nebb

I dont know if anyone remembers me mentioning it a while back, but I dropped out of a friends wedding back in January after quite a few issues between me and the bride mixed with generally drifting apart. After I emailed her doing such, she replied that she needed time to absorb what I said before responding and then stopped talking to me.

Fine, I had already been majorly pissed off about never getting replies back in any sensible amount of time so I chalked it up to being "typical", let it go and pretty much wrote off the friendship. I really had no reason to believe the friendship was going to continue after that anyways - we live nearl 4 hours apart, never see eachother (its been almost 2 years since I saw her last), dont talk on the phone and dont chat online.

Last weekend I checked my email and there was one from her, over two months after I dropped out of the wedding. She said that she has been thinking about what to say to me but couldnt get it out properly so she never said anything, she misses me and still really wants me to come to the wedding, and wishes we had talked things through so I could have stayed in the wedding party (the reason I gave her that I was dropping out was that I had no money and could not fulfill the financial obligations of being a bridesmaid).

I really dont know how to respond, if at all, to this. So far I have just let it sit in my inbox, because as far as im concerned if I had to wait two months for a response she can hold tight until I decide to reply. I had already written things off, I have made other life plans and I cant afford to do ANYTHING right now, let alone still attend a wedding 4 hours away (even just as a guest), and frankly im still kind of pissed.

Would you respond? If so would you be truthful (explain your stance on the friendship, no desire to continue it, not willing or able to attend the wedding) or would you just decline the offer to attend and not say much else. I keep flipflopping between any of those three options and I cant determine what to do.

I know that any of these options will probably end the friendship, which im ok with, but as pissed as I still am about things I dont want to be hurtful.

I realize I seem completely incapable of making decisions for myself lately but I have a hard time making tough decisions that might affect others.

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-issue-kinda-fu?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:937e5e30-3291-4f6e-8662-7a0f2036a21fPost:f9c684cd-d2d7-4cff-b637-dac892fc27b5">Re: friend issue (kinda F/U) - long, sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]I tell her to kick rocks.  <strong>If she already sent out invitations this is strictly an invite to ease her conscious.  Someone probably told her that she can't NOT invite you, seeing as how just a few months ago you were good enough to be in the WP</strong>.  I'm not the type that needs the last word, but at this point, do what will sit well with you at the end of the day.
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]
I kind of think that too, that it was just to cover her etiquette ass or something. Part of me thinks not replying at all is all the reply she needs or deserves, it should get the message across perfectly clear. It sucks that it ended this way but ive had two months to come to terms with that.

EmmaBride2B

Irrational? Not at all! The fact that you're giving her this much thought is more than she deserves in my opinion. I would just tell her thanks, but no thanks. She doesn't deserve a reply, no, but there's always a sense of closure that comes with being the better person.

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-issue-kinda-fu?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:937e5e30-3291-4f6e-8662-7a0f2036a21fPost:4cd85746-211b-459c-9871-15fc1649f08a">Re: friend issue (kinda F/U) - long, sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]Irrational? Not at all! The fact that you're giving her this much thought is more than she deserves in my opinion. I would just tell her thanks, but no thanks. <strong>She doesn't deserve a reply, no, but there's always a sense of closure that comes with being the better person.</strong>
Posted by EmmaBride2B[/QUOTE]
Good point.

katiewhompus

Definitely not irrational. Maybe just reply " While I hope that you have a truly wonderful day, I won't be able to make it" and then let it die.

Blueyed228

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-issue-kinda-fu?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:937e5e30-3291-4f6e-8662-7a0f2036a21fPost:f9c684cd-d2d7-4cff-b637-dac892fc27b5">Re: friend issue (kinda F/U) - long, sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]I tell her to kick rocks.  Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

I prefer "Hey why dont you go pound sand".

ZoeTheDog

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-issue-kinda-fu?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:937e5e30-3291-4f6e-8662-7a0f2036a21fPost:f9c684cd-d2d7-4cff-b637-dac892fc27b5">Re: friend issue (kinda F/U) - long, sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]I tell her to kick rocks.  <strong>If she already sent out invitations this is strictly an invite to ease her conscious.  </strong>Someone probably told her that she can't NOT invite you, seeing as how just a few months ago you were good enough to be in the WP.  I'm not the type that needs the last word, but at this point, do what will sit well with you at the end of the day.
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

That's actually the part that would irk me the most!!  That she sent them out and then for some reason, re-deemed you worthy to attend her wedding in some form.  I'd be curious to know the reason, but yeah if it were me, I'd think this friendship was over. 

riverjib

If you are so fed up with her that you are sure you have no interest in ever speaking with her again, politely decline and let it go at that. But she did reach out to you, so I think the least you can do is say anything...even if it's just that you can't attend her wedding.

Your post was long, especially for you! I haven't been here long, and I don't really know anyone, but I know that you tend to get straight to the point in a few quick sentences. This clearly is upsetting you. That makes me think you might not be completely ready to burn this bridge forever. If that's true, maybe attend the wedding. Your friendship may fade away, and you may not talk much, but who knows where life will lead you both? Maybe you'll actually be friends again someday. Maybe you'll just talk once every few years, and you'll be happy to have her somewhere in the periphery. I don't know the situation, so there is no right answer.

However pissed off you are, weddings are a big deal. It took my sister not inviting my father to her wedding for him to wake up and make the biggest effort he's ever made to reconnect with my family. If she reached out to you and you choose to ignore her, it's likely that whatever is left of your relationship now will be damaged irreparably.

liziebennet

hmm, the fact that you have looked into her fb page seems to suggest that you are still interested in her everyday life, and may not be really ready to let go of the friendship.  I too think two months is a long time. However, giving her the benefit of the doubt just months before the wedding could be really crazy and emotional and she might not have been able to take it on at the time.  With those possibilities I suggest you sit with your feelings, make sure what they exactly are.  Sometimes many find that once we let go of the anger, all can be well again (not uncommon events with close friends/family, which it sounds you two might have been).  If it's irreparable than, just let her know your stance on the friendship and move on to healthier ones.
Good luck!