Parents threw a wrench in... long...

golden1215

FI and I are having a nice, but very small (30ppl) wedding this Sept.  Since we have been living together for years and have a daughter we didn't plan on our parents helping us out with the wedding at all; money is pretty tight for everyone.

So, we planned away and now his parents want the 4 sets of parents (both of our parents are divorced and his are both remarried) to split the cost of the food/drinks.  It's going to come out to about $2,400 total- so they suggested each parental unit give $600.  This was a total- and awesome- surprise to FI and I since it's only $600 for each of them but a big savings for us!

Only problem is my dad is not on board.  This is totally okay with me (FI is a bit ticked, but whatev) because my dad has always been pretty... shall we say, stingy... so I dont expect him to change now .  But, now how do I 1) word the wedding invites to include two sets of parents for him and my mom and 2) do I give a speech or anything at the dinner thanking our parents and just leave my dad out...? 

I feel bad.  I love him but he's already not walking me down the isle (for lots of reasons).  But I feel like putting "along with their parents" or toasting to him isnt really fair to the parents that do contribute.  He has a history of riding on my moms generous coat tails.

It feels like leaving him out of acknowledgements highlights his un-help and since his family (parents, sisters etc) make up the majority of our guests- yes, he even added to it without asking me so I had to adjust-  it could be awkward...

Advice.

p.s. woohoo for our parents that are helping- I'm SO happy/surprised/thankful about that!

Night_Sprite

He's still your parent.  I think it would be less messy to just say thank you to parents and have him on the invitation.  Then write something special in a thank you note to the fund giving parents.

P.S.  isle = island.  aisle = church.

FutureMrsTR

I'm in a similar situation except FI's parents aren't divorced.  I'm addressing our invites like this:

Along with
My mom's name
and
FI's mom & dad's names
FutureMrsTR & TR invite you to blah blah blah

I think I'll just stick with thanking "our parents" in our speech and not get specific, but the contributers will be getting gifts and notes separately.

ohwhynot

This is probably an unpopular opinion, but seriously?  Over $600?  Maybe it's me, but I think that any speech thanking your parents should include your dad for, you know, being your dad.  If you also want to thank the parents who paid money for your reception, you can do so, but I honestly don't think putting "along with their parents" on the invitations would be any kind of slap in the face to those parents who are contributing. 

Your fi has no right to be "ticked" that someone won't pony up cash for your wedding.  That makes me kind of mad at him. 

Brie2010

I would just use "together with their families."  Blame a lack of space on the invitation if you have any complainers.  Really, it's not worth intentionally excluding your dad over $600.

TheSaltyPeanut

I agree that I wouldn't single your dad out by NOT thanking him.  You can thank people without having to elude to the fact that one party paid, the other did not, etc.

Without knowing your whole situation, I think it's fine to leave his name off the invite.  I say this because you noted that your dad is not walking you down the aisle.  Leaving his name off the invite isn't going to raise any flags with anyone.

That's awesome about the extra financial help

banana468

Honestly, I'd just thank the man.  If you want, give gifts to the parents who contributed privately later.

baystateapple

You should still mention your dad in the speech, because he IS your dad.

Not on a monetary level, but I can sympathize with you because FI's father is not in the picture at all.  He's still married to FMIL, but he's completely estranged from the family and has been very emotionally abusive to FI since he was in his teens.  FI felt very strongly about NOT having him listed on the invitation.  Since neither family is hosting or paying for the wedding (we're doing it ourselves), and my parents and his mother understood, we are just leaving all reference to our parents off of the invitation.  It makes it a lot easier, and not nearly as awkward.  You can't exactly exclude someone without feelings being hurt, unless you decide to omit all references.

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-threw-wrench-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9385ecfd-06b1-4d85-b35f-8b92b7f52c19Post:b342568e-040d-47da-851d-0def2e17eaaf">Re: Parents threw a wrench in... long...</a>:
[QUOTE]This is probably an unpopular opinion, but seriously?  Over $600?  Maybe it's me, but I think that any speech thanking your parents should include your dad for, you know, being your dad.  If you also want to thank the parents who paid money for your reception, you can do so, but I honestly don't think putting "along with their parents" on the invitations would be any kind of slap in the face to those parents who are contributing.  Your fi has no right to be "ticked" that someone won't pony up cash for your wedding.  That makes me kind of mad at him. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

I agree with this completely.  No one HAS to do anything for your wedding, and since it was not a group made decision, he can do whatever he want.

LarissaAnn

Our invitations had "together with their families" despite the fact that H's family not only didn't give a dime but his parents didn't even come to our wedding.  My parents bought the flowers ($3,000 or so), the invitations ($350), and paid an additional couple thousand toward their guest list.  I still didn't feel the need to name them or exclude H's parents.

I can be a snarky b!tch, but not on my wedding invitations.

danieliza1127

Your guests don't need to know who helped pay for your wedding.  Thank the parents that pitched in privately, give them gifts privately.

The names on the wedding invitation do not signify who pitched in money.  It's just supposed to show who is hosting the event, and can also just be a way to honor your parents.  If you list parents's names, you should include your Dad. 

Usually the bride and groom don't give a thank you toast at wedding, although some do.  If you decide to do it, don't leave your Dad out.  Just do a general thank you to all of your parents for their love and support.  There's no reason to call attention to the fact that your Dad doesn't want to pitch in for your wedding. 

squirrly

Bride
and
Groom

together with
Ms. Bride Mom

Mrs. Groom Mom

Mr. Groom Dad

request the pleasure of your company

at their wedding

ETA:  Above wording is how you write out what you asked for.  It's certainly not the only way to handle this situation.

golden1215

LarissaAnn- they didnt even come???  did you know they werent coming when you sent the invites out???  if so, you're a saint!

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-threw-wrench-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9385ecfd-06b1-4d85-b35f-8b92b7f52c19Post:17908aa2-8335-40b2-afbd-1170b90844b5">Re: Parents threw a wrench in... long...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parents threw a wrench in... long... :  No one HAS to do anything for your wedding, and since it was not a group made decision, he can do whatever he want.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

I also completely agree with this.  Your Dad didn't offer to pitch in money, your FI's parents made the offer for him.  It wasn't a group decision.  So your FI really has no reason to be ticked at your Dad.  You said yourself, you guys are grown adults with a household and child already, I don't blame your Dad for not feeling the need to pitch in for your party.

LarissaAnn

When I ordered the invites, I knew there were issues but didn't know they weren't coming.  By the time we sent them, we knew... H's mom badmouthed me to him, so he told her to go jump in the lake, and he hasn't actually talked to them since.

He actually refused to let me invite his mother, but the invitations went to his siblings and his extended family, so I wasn't about to un-acknowledge his side and make it a real war.

golden1215

squirrly- so its okay to leave FIs step parents names off the invite?  I feel like they'd be moody at that...

Since we were going to do pretty inexpensive invites maybe I'll just put something like, "We're getting married!  Come celebrate with us and our families at blah blah blah" since both of us will have siblings there as well, it makes it all encompassing...

And no, FI shouldnt be ticked, but man to man I think he feels like my dad should have been there for me in life (getting back to the not walking me down the aisle issue) so to him this was dads last chance to redeem himself and act like a dad "should" before I'm no longer a child (i.e. unmarried).  Also, FI is a tight wad himself so he just sees dollar signs and freaks! ha  Don't they say you marry a man like your dad..... lol

jasmineh7777

Larissa- Yay to your H for sticking up for you! It sucks that his parents were jerks though.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-threw-wrench-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9385ecfd-06b1-4d85-b35f-8b92b7f52c19Post:17908aa2-8335-40b2-afbd-1170b90844b5">Re: Parents threw a wrench in... long...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parents threw a wrench in... long... : I agree with this completely.  No one HAS to do anything for your wedding, and since it was not a group made decision, he can do whatever he want.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

Yep, this 100%.  Neither your FI nor his parents get to be pissy because your dad isn't ponying up his "share."  He was never consulted and never agreed to it.

Personally, I would treat the money your parents gave to you as a wedding gift.  Put "Together with their family/parents" on the invite and be done with it.

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-threw-wrench-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9385ecfd-06b1-4d85-b35f-8b92b7f52c19Post:c0da80e8-9ff8-4394-92f8-80646e3f81f5">Re: Parents threw a wrench in... long...</a>:
[QUOTE]The names on the wedding invitation do not signify who pitched in money.  It's just supposed to show who is hosting the event, and can also just be a way to honor your parents. 
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

This.  I didn't really clarify in my answer, but the reason my dad isn't on the invitation isn't because he's not giving me money (which he's not) but because he's not a part of the planning or hosting of this wedding.  He hasn't been a big part of my life since I was 3 and he's really only attending as a guest.  My mom, on the other hand, was very adament about her name being on the invite since she is contributing and hosting...hence the wording we have.

LarissaAnn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-threw-wrench-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9385ecfd-06b1-4d85-b35f-8b92b7f52c19Post:ab530d6f-67a5-4a22-b376-beeca84316da">Re: Parents threw a wrench in... long...</a>:
[QUOTE]Larissa- Yay to your H for sticking up for you! It sucks that his parents were jerks though.
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I really appreciate how he handled it.  I'd only met them 2x before, but to him this apparently wasn't unexpected.  They didn't go to his older brother's wedding either over some battle or another.<div>
</div><div>The sucky thing is he's got twin younger brothers who are only 13, so he doesn't get to see them because he won't talk to his mother.  Both H & his mother are stubborn asses (I see where he gets it from), and he's losing out for it.<div>
</div><div>I've made it <strong>very </strong>clear to him that if he does want contact, I certainly won't stand in the way, and in fact encourage it.</div></div>

LarissaAnn

In fairness to Golden over the money issue, it doesn't sound like she's personally miffed over her dad's lack of contribution, and she can't control her FI's feelings.

It sounds like she's used to this from her dad, and the whole "riding on the coattails of her mom's generosity" comment seems to say that her dad actually habit of not helping out but expecting to take credit for half of her mom's contribution.  I could see Golden and her mom, at least, finding this fairly obnoxious over time.  So there's a history there that counts more than anything specifically wedding-related.

SwedishChick2011

I think putting "together with their parents" or whatever on the invitation would be way less messy than putting all those sets of parents on there.  The invitation would look kind of ridiculous with 3 or 4 sets of parents on it.  So regardless of whether your dad was helping financially or not, that's what I'd do. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

My dad is the same way. I mean, none of our parents are paying (except FI's parents are hosting the RD), but there's no way it would ever occur to him to give me money for anything, unlike my mother, who has cried over the fact that she can't help me more.

Anyway, I'd do the "together with their families" line on the invitation and I'd thank all the parents anyway.

Moneypenny424

I don't know that you need to put them on the invitation at all.  You and your FI are hosting the wedding, so if you don't want to, you don't have to put parents or families on the wedding at all.  I'd certainly thank them at the reception then (and no need to exclude your dad in that), but don't feel that they have to be on the invitation.

hmwarner88

For our wedding everyone is contributing in different ways and different amounts but we still used the wording "together with their parents" even though my mom and dad (who are divorced) are paying for the majority of the wedding (and my mom is taking care of the bridal shower, and my dad is helping the bridal party organize the Jack and Jill). We felt it would be eaiser to just acknowledge/include everyone and then add special thank yous to each contributor in other ways (cards/thank you gifts).

Mrs_AF

I did together with their parents because we have 8 parents (3 sets on my side alone)  who have given some kind of assistance somewhere during the wedding planning process, monetary or not.