Dating and who pays?

Moneypenny424

I was talking to a friend last night who is having some issues with the guy she's dating because he seems to want to split everything 50/50 (or if he pays for lunch today, she should pay tomorrow).  She is a student and while he isn't raking in the dough, he is comfortable enough.  She is used to guys paying for her, but more than that, she can't afford the same things he can. 

In the past, how has dating worked for you?  I've often been the breadwinner, so I got used to paying a lot with guys.  Mr. Penny is my nice Southern gentleman and wouldn't let me pay for a while into our relationship.

Habs2Hart

My Fl doesn't like it when I pay, but sometimes he'll let me treat him. 

opalsky007

We've always split everything, but with the understanding that whoever makes more can afford more. In college, I made more, so I treated him more often, or to nicer things. Now it's the other way around. 

ETA: By split, I mean we alternate who picks up the check. We don't ever split it down the middle for a single date-- unless it's like a movie or sporting event where he can buy tickets and I buy concessions or something.

baystateapple

With my previous BFs, they usually paid.  But I was definitely in a more comfortable place financially when I started dating H, so we split everything 50/50, and a couple of times, I paid.  I tease him about the time we "went out" for my birthday, and I paid for my own dinner.  He didn't even think about it at the time, we just split the bill like we always did, but afterward, he was mortified about it.  For special occasions like that, one of us will treat the other, but usually we split things down the line.  We're about on equal footing financially now.

Avion22

We kind of split it.  We don't split the check up when we eat....one of us will pay for the whole thing, and we just trade off.  He went back to school and is only working part-time, so right now I make more money, and I would say that I probably pick up the check 60% of the time, and he pays 40% of the time.  Since I make more I try to spring for expensive meals like really nice dinners out. 

Meg1036

When both FI and I were still in school, we split things equally.  Ditto with previous boyfriends with whom I had similar financial means.

FI then graduated and makes a lot more money than me.  So he pays much more now.

emilyinchile

I've almost always done 50/50 - H is the only guy I've dated who would pay for stuff for me, but he was also in college and didn't have much money at all when we started dating (and I being from the US didn't really get just how little money he had since in the US a part-time college job is enough for some decent spending money), so out of necessity we'd split most things.

Your friend should just suggest going to cheaper places. I don't think it's the guy's obligation to pay at all, it's equally nice when either person offers to treat.

waltzingmatilda13

Early in our relationship I had to trick H to get him to let me pay. He didn't make any more money than me, I think he just assumed as the man that he should pay. I appreciated it, but I wanted to contribute so that he didn't spend all his money on me.

[Deleted User]

Right after H and I started dating, he treated me as often as he could. But he was still in college at the time and things were tight for him. So, there were times when we would go dutch (esp early on) and then well into our relationship, there were times I would pay for things. I was the one with a steady job and able to support myself at the time. But he would still treat me for special occassions like birthdays or whatever.

Edit: now it is the other way around esp since I am not working, but I guess it really doesn't matter either since we are married and our monies are together.

laurenclaire1386

I always assumed I'd be paying for myself on dates. If I didn't have enough money to pay my way on a date, I wouldn't go. If I did get treated, I tried to return the favor. H and I never were insistent with one another about who paid for what how often. If he had money, he paid. If I had money, I paid. I guess it was always dependent upon the situation. 

tenofcups4me

I've never understood when women expect a man to pay for them -- you're both grownups, of course you pay for yourself. In dating, it can get a little more complicated, but I always paid for half on the first couple of dates. If it went  beyond that, I was comfortable with he pays for dinner tonight because we knew there'd be another date and I could get dinner that night.

nurse.misty

FI paid more when we first started dating, he didn't want me to pay for anything. After a few weeks we started alternating paying. Now it's all the same money so it's just whoever they put the bill in front of.

annakb8

I think when I dated anyone I usually expected the guy to at least cover the first two or three dates. I would have been put off if someone asked to split the check on the first date. After that though, everything is fair game and I think it makes sense to split checks or take turns paying. When I started dating my FI he was unemployed and I was in grad school so neither of us had much money, we started splitting the bill pretty quickly.

I've had friends who have serious issues for ever paying for anything though. They think they guy should cover everything 100% of the time. I think they are BSC and not yet full residents of the real world the rest of us are living in. I also know girls who date rich guys who always pay for everything and take them on all kinds of weekend getaways and things they could never afford on their own, and while they certainly enjoy it, they don't seem to ever feel like an equal partner in the relationship.

I think your friend is in a hard position though. She should be upfront with this guy about what she can afford and what she can't, and if he still wants to do something she can't afford he should cover the bill.

hlq2011

FI told me when we started dating that he didn't want me paying, but he complains now if he pays more often or more money than I do.  We split it, mostly - alternating who picks up the tab.  And we still split grocery orders.

I can't wait to combine at least some of our money into a joint checking account.

Birdie1483

Most of my first dates have been paid for by the guy. I'd offer to chip in usually, but he'd usually turn me down and I wouldn't fight it. Once we started dating, we'd usually take turns picking up the bill.

FI pays most of the time when we go out now, but I buy all of the groceries so it mostly evens out. He makes more than I do as well and we aren't to the point yet of "what mine is yours" so he has the means to pay for us more than I do.

NuggetBrain

The only dates I ever went on was with Noodle, and when we started dating he insisted on paying for everything.  After a few years I he wasn't so insistant about it, but he still usually paid because he's always made more than me (as bad as that sounds).  Even now that we've combined our money, it's usually him who will pull out our debit card and pay.  He's kind of traditional that way.

Moneypenny424

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dating-pays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:94c456b3-a366-4833-951b-363afeb557a8Post:046d77b5-ed9d-4105-9041-2d1a4cf551bb">Re: Dating and who pays?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think when I dated anyone I usually expected the guy to at least cover the first two or three dates. I would have been put off if someone asked to split the check on the first date. After that though, everything is fair game and I think it makes sense to split checks or take turns paying. When I started dating my FI he was unemployed and I was in grad school so neither of us had much money, we started splitting the bill pretty quickly. I've had friends who have serious issues for ever paying for anything though. They think they guy should cover everything 100% of the time. I think they are BSC and not yet full residents of the real world the rest of us are living in. I also know girls who date rich guys who always pay for everything and take them on all kinds of weekend getaways and things they could never afford on their own, and while they certainly enjoy it, they don't seem to ever feel like an equal partner in the relationship. <strong>I think your friend is in a hard position though. She should be upfront with this guy about what she can afford and what she can't, and if he still wants to do something she can't afford he should cover the bill.</strong>
Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]


I agree with this.  As uncomfortable as the conversation is, I told her they need to talk about it.  They've been dating for a few months now.  She doesn't expect him to pay for everything (though she wouldn't turn that down), and gets uncomfortable when a check comes that she often just pays it. 

Like PP said, when Mr. P and I met, I was unemployed (just out of school), so he paid more.  Now that he's in school, I pay more.

impslave

When Mr. Imp (think I like that better than saying only H) and I first started dating, he always paid.  After a month or two, we started trading off meals; or if he paid for dinner, I'd pay for the movie tickets.

After we got engaged, we kept with the trading off thing.  Though if it's at a more expensive restaurant, he'll always offer to pay.  And since I'm making a lot less money now, I let him.  But, since I buy the groceries every week, it balances out.

Birdie1483

I dated a guy in college who came from a well off family. He always paid because it really wasn't an issue for him financially. I remember how weird it felt to be able to order any drink I wanted and not have to look at the price. I"m not going to lie, it was nice. But had we stayed together longer I'm sure it would have become more 50/50 if he would have let me.

missy68

I answered based on the dating relationship J and I had. I traveled to see him; he traveled to see me. Meals while we were together were usually alternated or depended on who was "hosting." Now one time we traveled to Utah for our dirt bike/ATV trip, and we each bought gas costs, he paid for the hotel, alternated meals; but he bought my gear - riding pants, helmet, boots, gloves, bike shorts. I bought my sports bras. So it was a toss it in the pot thing. Then when we lived together, normally our "dates" were out of our joint account, but when that was tight, one of the two of us would use our own account.

So yeah. A mish mash.

Soon2BeMrsTing

H told me from the beginning that he would go into every date prepared to pay for it all and that he would count it a privilege to do so.  If I ever wanted to pay, he would let me but he would never expect it.

cengle

I think for the first few dates, whoever asked the other out should pay. Once it gets more serious, and you've been dating that same person for awhile, it's okay to alternate. This is how H and I did it. Even on our first date (which wasn't even supposed to be a date, originally), he bought dinner and I paid for the movie tickets.

I couldn't imagine always expecting the guy to pay. I don't like feeling dependent or indebted to someone in any way though, so there's that.

heartxsongs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dating-pays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:94c456b3-a366-4833-951b-363afeb557a8Post:2f845254-58e3-4f59-bcd1-c8a38b7fef8a">Re: Dating and who pays?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I think the person who initiates the date should offer to pick up the tab. </strong>That said, I've hardly ever paid for dates regardless of who invited who because the guys always grabbed the bill.  FI paid for everything at first, but now whoever gets money out first pays since it's all the same money anyways.
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

I pretty much follow this.  I almost always initiate lunch or dinner dates with FI, so when we go, I'll pay for both of us.  He is also still in college and unemployed, and I have a job.  Since I have an income and he doesn't, I pretty much always assume I'm paying.

That being said, he has paid for dates before, and has mentioned that he feels guilty that I pay most of the time.  It just so happens that I am older than him and finished college first, so it just worked out that way.

specialk84

When we first started dating, FI wanted to pay for everything.  On our third date, he took my to my favorite restaurant, and I saw his eyes get big when he looked at the prices.  While he was in the bathroom, I worked out a sneaky payment arrangement with the waiter.

Later in our relationship, I was taking a huge course load and barely working.  When we went out to eat, he paid.  Lots of times, though, I just invited him to my apartment and cooked for him.  (I'm a good cook, and his mom should be banned from any food prep area, so he was very, very appreciative.)

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Like your friend, when Oliver and I started dating, eventually we had to have the "if you want to do this, great, but I can't pay for it" conversation. Not because he wanted to split things 50/50, but because I wanted him to understand that my financial situation wasn't a good as his. At first, I would treat or split bills. But when we got serious and started seeing each other a lot, that got expensive. So it was, "Of course I'd love to check out that restaurant/show/bar/event, but if we're going to go, I can't contribute." So the guy has to decide what he wants more: economic fairness or having cool experiences with her.

loves2shop4shoes

FI and I didn't like figure out what EVERY SINGLE THING costs and then go halfsies.  We would alternate who paid for dinner/movies/things like that.  Obviously, on my birthday, he pays and on his birthday, I pay.  It works out to about 50/50.

jemmini6

When we first started dating, FI paid, but that didn't last too long.  I've been financially independent since I was 16, so NOT paying for stuff at least some of the time makes me uncomfortable.  Now, we generally split going out proportionally to our income.  FI makes more, so he pays more often, but not all the time.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dating-pays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:94c456b3-a366-4833-951b-363afeb557a8Post:434e1c16-5b59-41d1-b1cf-071988f78fb2">Re: Dating and who pays?</a>:
[QUOTE]We've always split everything, but with the understanding that whoever makes more can afford more. In college, I made more, so I treated him more often, or to nicer things. Now it's the other way around.  ETA: By split, I mean we alternate who picks up the check. We don't ever split it down the middle for a single date-- unless it's like a movie or sporting event where he can buy tickets and I buy concessions or something.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

<div>That's how I always was dating.  I can't think of ever splitting a check 50/50 at the table, but would usually just alternate who would pay.  Sometimes with H (before we got married and joined accounts) we would try and pay cash and split it just to not use the debit, like "how much cash do you have, I have $20 cash."  But that's it.  </div><div>I don't think the woman should ever expect to be treated all the time, especially if you go out alot, and you have a job yourself.</div>

Karen's MOH

I think the guy should pay for the first date, preferably the first couple. It's old fashioned, but it woul dbe really off putting if they let the girl split it on the first date. If there were two bills (say, you go get drinks or dessert someplace after dinner), that would be a good way for the girl to contribute.

For H and I, when we started dating I think he usually paid. As it went on, usually he would pay for the bigger thigns, and I'd get the cheaper bills-- like he would pay for dinner, but I'd buy breakfast or lunch. He's always made more than me though. Now he pretty much always pays when we go out for dinner, but I buy all the groceries. Partly for that reason, when we have a special dinner like his birthday, I'll usually make him something special instead of going out.

redheadfsu

I always spilt things (when it got serious w/ FI  then every other check/bill). Why should the man pay? I think it is sexist to assume the man should pay. If she can't afford the dates currently, she can just take him on cheaper dates (when she asks him/plans the date) & he can pay for the more expensive ones he plans.

b0710

My FI gets upset when I try to pay, but he doesn't make near the money I do, so I often put my foot down and insist.  When we first started dating, it was almost always him to pay (he's pretty traditional that way).  After we had been dating a while we started the "who ever suggests the date, pays for it" method.  It worked for us.