question/vent

melisal07

My sister is my moh for my wedding i let her pick her dress out to wear she paid for it. I was going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding she picked a style and color for me to buy and i can't afford it due to a strict budget so i stepped out of the wedding and now my family is mad at me. Did i do the right thing? I have been planning my wedding for October of the year since November she has been planning her wedding for September 8 2012 since a month ago.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questionvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:95feba4d-66d2-4340-b4db-8d06e93665eaPost:16caf68c-5174-4be5-b321-60f72893478b">Re: question/vent</a>:
[QUOTE]She should have asked you your budget before she decided on a dress. Before you dropped out, did you at least talk to her about what you could afford and see if she'd be willing to look at other dresses. If not, I think you jumped the gun by stepping out of the wedding party.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

All of this.

kikirst33

Did you sister ask you what your budget was before telling you what dress she had picked out?  It is a courtesy to ask your MOH and BM's what their budget is so that you are not selecting a $300 dress when thier budget is $100.

I guess I'm not clear on why your family is mad at you?  If it is due to budgetary reasons could they not loan you money for the dress?

rsanna

Your sister should have asked you for a budget, or asked if you could afford the dress.  Did you tell her the reason why you stepped down was because you couldn't afford the dress she picked for you?  Because that could make it more understandable to both her and the rest of your family.  If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.  You shouldn't go into debt for someone else's wedding (or your own).  But the last bit about how long each of you has been planning is a little petty.  It really doesn't matter when you each started planing or when the respective weddings are.

pokepoke27

I'm also a little confused here. I would be very suprised if you told us that you explained to everyone in your family that you can't afford the dress and every single person got angry with you instead of offering to help with the cost. It seems to me like there is something else going on here. 

melisal07

i asked her if she could find a dress no more than 130 since i can't affor a 200 dollar dress and she said no this was the dress she had her heart sat on. i found a nice dress in s very similar color fo less than 100.

melisal07

and yea i told her and my mom yesterday that i can't afford it due to my fi who also pays all the bills got a short check this month.

Maggie0829

Well then your sister is being unreasonable and rude for not working within your budget.

Since she knew that you couldn't afford the dress she chose then she shouldn't be shocked or mad that you dropped out.

As for the rest of your family, have you explained why you stepped down?

Summer2011Bride

If she is unwilling to work with your budget even after you offered a very similar dress you could afford, then yeah, I guess removing yourself from the WP is what to do, but it really sucks. Your sister should have been willing to work within your budget. Is this dress really more important to her than her relationship with you?

How close are you and your sister normally? Do you generally have a good relationship?

melisal07

yea my mom got mad at me for it but i explained to her we didn't even have to money to buy diapers this month so my son is being put in diapers a size smaller since we have them for our daughter

lauraanne9

I also am surprised everyone is mad at you.  If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.  She should have verified your budget or IMO offered to pay if having you in her wedding in that dress was so important. 

My fiance's BM was laid off 2 days before my fiance asked him to be his BM.  We are paying for his tux rental as he is not able to.  Handled simply with no one having to decline, drop out or say no.

melisal07

our relationship is soso but since the family was being supportive of me on my upcoming wedding her bf asked her to marry him last month and she had to go and start planning her wedding for two months from now and now that family is ignoring me and doing everything for her.

specialk84

You said your FI got a short check this month. Can you buy the dress next month? If not, can you tell your sister that you'd love to be in her WP, but you can only afford $X? She can choose which is more important to her.

melisal07

i tried explaing that to her and she's like no i want this dress.  i wan't able to reason with her at all it's almost like i was just a filler anyway.

AdeleDazeem

You can't afford diapers and your sister is harping on about a $200 dress?  Wow.

aragx6

You sound like you've done your best to explain yourself. Your sister is out of line and I think you're doing the right thing here. I'm so sorry it's caused drama for you though!

specialk84

I just saw the thing about the diapers. Honey, you can't afford the cheaper dress, either. 

TaraMc728

Your children come first, and your sister should see that.  if it really is that important for her to have you in her wedding in that dress, she can pay for it.  She can at least offer to pay the difference.

melisal07

not at this time no but i can order it next month and get it rushed.

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questionvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95feba4d-66d2-4340-b4db-8d06e93665eaPost:fbde2c49-1572-4622-b9df-cde72a25770b">Re: question/vent</a>:
[QUOTE]not at this time no but i can order it next month and get it rushed.
Posted by melisal07[/QUOTE]

<div>How short was this check? Do you two have any savings? If you can't afford diapers now, you probably need to take a good hard look at your finances before you spend $100 on a bridesmaid dress. I know you want to be part of your sister's day, but unless someone else pays for it, you just can't afford it.</div>

melisal07

we got about 800 dollars short this month. i told her than i could buy it next month but she said it HAD to be orderd this week.

Cuss10

Honestly, I would do the same thing you did. It is her wedding and she does get to pick the dress. Should she be a little more sisterly about it? Yes.

And I get where you're coming from with being upset, feeling like she is trying to eclipse your wedding by planning hers first, faster and not working with you so you can be in it.

This is my random two cents (feel free to ignore it). If not being able to buy your son diapers comes up again, consider picking up some clothe diapers next time you have some money. You can use them all the time or save them for if you need them. At least he's not stuffed into a diaper that has to be truly uncomfortable.

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questionvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:95feba4d-66d2-4340-b4db-8d06e93665eaPost:1df17edb-d291-4f09-a44d-95beb214d258">Re: question/vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: question/vent : How short was this check? Do you two have any savings? If you can't afford diapers now, you probably need to take a good hard look at your finances before you spend $100 on a bridesmaid dress. I know you want to be part of your sister's day, but unless someone else pays for it, you just can't afford it.
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this.  Honestly it sounds like your mom and sister don't really care that much.  You have your own wedding, but more importanty, your own children to take care of.   If you are that tight on money that your son has to wear too small diapers for him, then you probably can't afford a bridesmaid dress whether it is this month or next.

melisal07

yea it normally doesnt happen but he gets paid to be in school and school was only in session for 2 weeks last month so he only got half of his check. now til february he'ls in school 4 hours a day 5 days a week so he'll get full checks.

chelseamb11

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how frustrated you are, but I would hope she could understand the situation that she is putting you in.

melisal07

it wsnt a surprise but he went to another school toward the end of june ao he was told that he could get paid for those days as well and never did.

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questionvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95feba4d-66d2-4340-b4db-8d06e93665eaPost:659d77e8-d74d-427a-ada9-7e00ebeb3355">Re: question/vent</a>:
[QUOTE]yea it normally doesnt happen but he gets paid to be in school and school was only in session for 2 weeks last month so he only got half of his check. now til february he'ls in school 4 hours a day 5 days a week so he'll get full checks.
Posted by melisal07[/QUOTE]

<div>Did he know he was only going to get half a check? Did you two not plan for anything?</div><div>
</div><div>I've now moved on from whether you can afford the BM dress. I'm more concerned with making sure you have enough money to not have to stuff your kid into too-small diapers.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, how does one get paid to go to school?</div>

chelseamb11

If you're able to buy the dress next month but it NEEDS to be ordered now (according to her), is there a way she or someone else that's being so weird about it can lend you the money until then?

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questionvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:95feba4d-66d2-4340-b4db-8d06e93665eaPost:c17b23e2-6d4c-4d37-8c81-f671180d552c">Re: question/vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: question/vent : Did he know he was only going to get half a check? Did you two not plan for anything? I've now moved on from whether you can afford the BM dress. I'm more concerned with making sure you have enough money to not have to stuff your kid into too-small diapers. Also, how does one get paid to go to school?
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

It could be vocational rehab if he has a disability or it could be paid through his union (my stepBIL was put through HVAC school -- with living expenses included -- when GM laid him off for the eleventy billionth time) -- there's lot of programs that pay living expenses while you're in school.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questionvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:95feba4d-66d2-4340-b4db-8d06e93665eaPost:7d7d472d-299f-4ce0-b7ee-416b38b30aea">Re: question/vent</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're able to buy the dress next month but it NEEDS to be ordered now (according to her), is there a way she or someone else that's being so weird about it can lend you the money until then?
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

I would only do this if you wouldn't have to pay her back the $70 difference between what you said your budget was and the dress she picked (I might be remembering the numbers wrong, but you get the point). 

melisal07

we was going to school on the gi bill post 9/11 and graduated with an aa and now is gowing through voc rehob via the va.