Do you have a trainwreck friend?

sucrets4

This friend of mine is a MESS.  She's not a close friend, but her LJ updates make me so sad for her.

She's been in this on again/off again 'relationship' (I use that word very loosely) with this guy for a few years.  He's a controlling, jealous asshole who drinks and smokes pot all the time.  She goes out karaoking once a week with friends and he hates it and calls her slutty and stuff. 

Her LJ is littered with "I know I've said this before, but we're DONE...for real this time" and then she always goes back to him.

She lost her job because she missed work too much from doing shows and going out.  She had to move back home (she's probably 35?) but now she travels the 2-3 hours from where she lives to where she used to live to hang out with people.  She got a new job and complains about never having any money, but has had lipo TWICE and is looking into that AGAIN and microdermabrasion. 

And finally, this is what makes me feel SO sad for her:
J and I are great with a few mental issues on my part. I'm just loving him so much but too much it seems. I really need to chill. Anyway, I really really hope I'm pg. My uterus is achy but that could be from the sex yesterday that was just plain weird. I'll find out in two weeks, I suppose. I'll be upset if I'm not but it is what it is.

Poor girl.  Poor, poor girl.  I wish I could shake some sense into her - she's really a sweetheart and is gorgeous and talented on top of it all.  She deserves so much better. 

MyNameIsNot

Poor girl, but it sounds like she does not need to be adding a baby to the mix.

I do have a trainwreck friend, but he brings most of it on himself.  He's a terrible pot head slacker and had some bigger problems with harder drugs in the past.  With a felony, he can't get a decent job, and he's a dumbass, so he doesn't report to his probation.  He went over to his pot dealer's house in November and happened to show up right as the DEA were busting the place.  I feel really bad that he's spent all the holidays in jail.  But then, if he would report to probation, he could have gotten a bond. 

sucrets4

MyName - oh god no, she doesn't need to be adding a baby.  How would she even support it?  I get that she needs some direction, but having a KID is not really going to solve everything.

And that's unfortunate that your friend was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Stupid of him, though.

daff - I'm impressed!

ricksang

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trainwreck-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:96423537-4c9a-4664-83dc-fe7d9594139ePost:03b02654-bc5e-4db6-821a-15481c3653f9">Re: Do you have a trainwreck friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]. daff - I know I don't 'know' you, but it seems like you have your shiit together.  Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

This.

Yes, my friend who wanted to do the Hitler thing for Halloween is a big train wreck but it seems right now she is getting her life together.
She has bipolar disorder so that can change.

pristinedemon

Hitler thing for Halloween? WTF?

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trainwreck-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96423537-4c9a-4664-83dc-fe7d9594139ePost:2b2e7da3-c5c7-4447-b5df-4e1794561d82">Re: Do you have a trainwreck friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do you have a trainwreck friend? : ah, so my jedi mind tricks are working.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

Your jedi skills are apparently top notch.


and to answer the OP, I tend to cut the trainwrecks out of my life. I used to have a few, but not so much anymore. There's a girl from HS on my FB who in reality I cut out towards the end of HS. She is still hung up on boys she dated then (very obviously because she FB stalks them), and ten years later still hasn't finished her three year degree or got a job outside of casual retail employment. It's rather sad, really- almost like her development stopped at age 15.

sucrets4

sun - you're right!  That is a good comparison.  I haven't read LJ in ages, but was poking through it today and saw that.  She really has all of the insecurities of a teenager in an adult's body.

ricksang

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trainwreck-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:96423537-4c9a-4664-83dc-fe7d9594139ePost:73c86850-9d77-419b-aa25-3ca7bf197463">Re: Do you have a trainwreck friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hitler thing for Halloween? WTF?
Posted by pristinedemon[/QUOTE]

I am not explaining it again. It's too long to type.

ricksang

I guess I could call my lying friend a trainwreck too?

ExpatPumpkin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trainwreck-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96423537-4c9a-4664-83dc-fe7d9594139ePost:ab69f8ed-31ec-49e2-93f6-1a616a3342a4">Do you have a trainwreck friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]J and I are great with a few mental issues on my part. I'm just loving him so much but too much it seems. I really need to chill. Anyway, I really really hope I'm pg. <strong>My uterus is achy but that could be from the sex yesterday that was just plain weird.</strong> I'll find out in two weeks, I suppose. I'll be upset if I'm not but it is what it is. 
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No way.  NO WAY people write this stuff where their friends/family can see it ;)  That's beyond TMI...</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>

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amalama

I sort of do. She is so off and on, sometimes she really seems like she is getting her life together, and then it all goes to hell.

She had a baby with her college on again off again boyfriend. He didn't want her to keep it at first, but she wanted to. He was bad news and she definitely knew it, but I think just didn't want to have the baby alone. They broke up for good (well for the last 6 months or so) when he was about a year old. She seemed to be getting things together then.

Then she started dating a new guy, and told me all about his 6-7 pending felonies for drug charges. But he's clean now. Rrright. At my sister's wedding (they had been dating about 2 months at the time) she told me and another girl who as been with her BF for a few years that we better not get married, because her wedding would be next. Shortly after that she was also hoping she was pregnant.

Last time I saw her she made out with a guy at the bar, then dumped her BF the next day because he would be OOT for NYE. Good thing she wasn't pregnant.

beatlesgirl25

Oh my, that post made me sad sucrets. Your friend sounds like one unhappy lady. And I'm surprised that she's 35... I've had friends sort of like that, and the oldest is 27 and I keep hoping she'll grow up and get over her stuff. Like sun, I generally try to keep only to friends who aren't like that at this point in my life. Which I'm sure doesn't help the other ones to feel supported like they need to be, but it's just too much sometimes.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I did once find an excuse to srop a friend who I was sick of because she had no job and did a lot of drugs and wanted me to come out with her to the bars almost every night until last call. And her relationships weren't great either. She moved in with one guy after 2 days. But last I heard, she's kind of got her life in order.

sucrets4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trainwreck-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96423537-4c9a-4664-83dc-fe7d9594139ePost:36e8cf2c-9a5e-4cd3-83e1-f736a1a5752b">Re: Do you have a trainwreck friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Do you have a trainwreck friend? : No way.  NO WAY people write this stuff where their friends/family can see it ;)  That's beyond TMI...
Posted by ExpatPumpkin[/QUOTE]

She wrote it on her LJ...it was a locked post, and I don't think too many of our mutual friends keep up with it anymore, but it's still out there.

sucrets4

BG - she's really just an acquaintance.  We used to do shows together, but it's been about 2 years since I've been home and seen her.  I just wish I could help her out of this hole...she's even been in therapy for awhile and I guess it's not helping too much. 

jamiefour

That is really sad.  I have some trainwreck friends but not that bad.  What is LJ by the way?

beatlesgirl25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trainwreck-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96423537-4c9a-4664-83dc-fe7d9594139ePost:2906ac3b-3718-44cf-89e2-d01bd278b5e8">Re: Do you have a trainwreck friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]BG - she's really just an acquaintance.  We used to do shows together, but it's been about 2 years since I've been home and seen her.  I just wish I could help her out of this hole...she's even been in therapy for awhile and I guess it's not helping too much.  :(
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

That must be really hard to know of these things and be at such a distance, physically and friendship wise. I'd think she would need more than therapy to get her life together, like better supports and a boyfriend who doesn't make her feel like shiit. I'm sure she appreciates any reaching out you may do with her, and for now that's all you can do.

ricksang

LJ= live journal, no?

beatlesgirl25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trainwreck-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96423537-4c9a-4664-83dc-fe7d9594139ePost:3809da6c-7c29-4199-9b86-1ba1aa70ce11">Re: Do you have a trainwreck friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]LJ= live journal, no?
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

Haha, yes. I didn't want to say because it made me feel old. I'm making an assumption that jamiefour is younger here.

sucrets4

Yep, it's Live Journal.

I know a lot of her good friends (from the theater) and they're all great people.  I wish they could convince her that she's better than she thinks!

beatlesgirl25

Man, sometimes the ratio on those things can be pretty skewed. Like 100 people who you know and like can tell you positive things about yourself, but your SO will say the opposite and it renders the 100 opinions obsolete. My aunt is like this, and she's in her 60's. She is a wonderful, vibrant woman, but will always be at the mercy of some d-bag boyfriend's criticisms of her. We've tried everything to get through to her. I hope your friend can let some of the good things sink in.

katiewhompus

I've had/have 2 trainwreck friends. One is normal most of the time, the other got her act together last year.

The first is 21 and has a 2 year old daughter, married to a 34 year old. I love her and her husband and they really are a good couple. But she was pregnant at 19 because she didn't want to wait too long and miss out on having a kid with him. So it was fine until she hit 21. Now she's always whining to me about how her friends don't want to invite her to bars or come hang out at her place because of the baby. She also doesn't understand why her husband has to pick up extra hours at work and can't just come home early every day. She's very high maintenance and I honestly don't know how they make ends meet with their  salaries.

My second friend was a total wreck when I met her. She was 25, married, and had a 5 year old. She and her husband had a thing going where he would cheat on her, so she would cheat back and they'd be even. A few months later she'd cheat, so he'd cheat so they were even, etc. She slept with several of our underage employees in the quarantine rooms at work, and tried to sleep with Dh before we started dating. One day when I was babysitting her kid, A told me she was glad I was her friend and loved her, because no one else loved her. It's heartbreaking to have a 5 year old look you in the eyes and firmly believe that "mom and dad don't love me, they wish I wasn't born".

ok, that turned into a long ass post...sorry!

ring_pop

sucrets, that story made me sad.

I have a pretty close friend that I actually met through my first boyfriend and then became one of my roommates in college. She was really bright in high school and was one of those girls who had it together, but I guess she just couldn't handle college. She recently got engaged... just before he proposed, she told us that she was having all sorts of doubts due to his anger issues, family issues, etc, but that if he proposed, she'd probably say yes. I just feel sad that she seems to have resigned to just settling for a mediocre life.

saschaduran

I'm going to say that about 90% of friends I have had are trainwrecks.  Birds of a feather...

Dmatthews450

One day when I was babysitting her kid, A told me she was glad I was her friend and loved her, because no one else loved her. It's heartbreaking to have a 5 year old look you in the eyes and firmly believe that "mom and dad don't love me, they wish I wasn't born". ok, that turned into a long ass post...sorry!
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]


-This absolutely kills me, that poor child.