Bride won't back off shower plans!

squiggle2483

I'm the MOH and the bride, who is a chef, keeps talking about all the stuff she wants to make for the shower. I don't want her to do anything, but she keeps saying she wants to. I feel like she needs to step back and let me plan. Am I right? What do I say to her besides what I've already said to make her back off?

Jen4948

You: "Bride, come to Shower Venue on Day at Time."
Bride: "Great, I want to bring/make X."
You: "Just bring yourself and a good mood.  We have the rest under control."

Summer2011Bride

You're right that you should be the one planning it and it sounds like she is just used to having control over everything and is especially picky on food since that's her career.

What about asking her what dishes she would like to have there and then trying to make a couple of them? That way you are still the one planning but she feels like she can give some input.

bunni727

I made some food for the shower my mom and other family members hosted

Does your venue/caterer allow outside food to be brought in? That could be a good excuse.

While she really should not be involved, and PPs gave good advice on that front, I don't see what it would hurt letting her bring a dish or two as a compromise. 

QueerFemme

Just tell her over and over and over again.  This is a party that YOU are throwing for HER and that you want her to just sit back & relax and enjoy what you are doing for her.

Honestly, if this was a super close friend or family member, which, since you are the MOH, I assume it is, I would have an honest conversation with her.  I would probably say something like "Bride...  I love you to death... and I'm so excited for you and happy that I get to be your MOH.  But, I feel like every time you try to mention something you want to bring to the party, or change what I'm doing, you don't trust that I'm going to do a good job with your party, and it hurts my feelings.  Please try to back off and enjoy the party that I/we are throwing for you".

bunni727

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bride-wont-back-off-shower-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96545b0a-fb16-4fbc-9ede-81c9964a68f4Post:c0b65752-b6d5-480f-865e-fca7f473fb5c">Re: Bride won't back off shower plans!</a>:
[QUOTE]Just tell her over and over and over again.  This is a party that YOU are throwing for HER and that you want her to just sit back & relax and enjoy what you are doing for her. Honestly, if this was a super close friend or family member, which, since you are the MOH, I assume it is, I would have an honest conversation with her.  I would probably say something like "<strong>Bride...  I love you to death... and I'm so excited for you and happy that I get to be your MOH.  But, I feel like every time you try to mention something you want to bring to the party, or change what I'm doing, you don't trust that I'm going to do a good job with your party, and it hurts my feelings.  Please try to back off and enjoy the party that I/we are throwing for you"</strong>.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

That is great phrasing.

I have to admit, my post was a little skewed, because showers in my family/circle are a bit outside of normal. Every shower is exactly the same, with exactly the same food, no matter who 'hosts'. If I hadn't fixed the things I did, they wouldn't have been made at all, and would have been missed, because that's what I make for every shower.

squiggle2483

She's not really trying to control everything, she just wants to make food for the shower, and I don't think it's right. It's not her party, it's a party for her. That's just how it works. We're throwing the shower at her house, because when it comes down to it, she has the big house with the big yard and the pool, and none of us have that kind of "party house," if you will. We just don't have the money to rent a place and we certainly don't have a caterer. The BMs, mom's, grandmother, and myself are all bringing food. They all volunteered, we aren't asking anyone. We know how to follow a recipe just fine. She just keeps saying it's silly for her not to cook because she's a chef and it's at her house and she wants to do it. 

bunni727

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bride-wont-back-off-shower-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96545b0a-fb16-4fbc-9ede-81c9964a68f4Post:7ae5a517-882c-482b-b344-9f6aed18348f">Re: Bride won't back off shower plans!</a>:
[QUOTE]She's not really trying to control everything, she just wants to make food for the shower, and I don't think it's right. It's not her party, it's a party for her. That's just how it works. We're throwing the shower at her house, because when it comes down to it, she has the big house with the big yard and the pool, and none of us have that kind of "party house," if you will. We just don't have the money to rent a place and we certainly don't have a caterer. The BMs, mom's, grandmother, and myself are all bringing food. They all volunteered, we aren't asking anyone. <strong>We know how to follow a recipe just fine</strong>. She just keeps saying it's silly for her not to cook because she's a chef and it's at her house and she wants to do it. 
Posted by squiggle2483[/QUOTE]

With the bolded line, it kind of sounds like you are hurt, or maybe feel like she doesn't think your food is good enough. If that is the case, cmg's wording would still be appropriate. Let her know how you feel.

But if you just don't want her to make food because "that's just how it works," I do think that is a little silly. If she truly wants to make something to help, not control, I don't see any reason she can't bring a dish.

hoffse

Honestly I think it would be fine to let her make her signature dish.  She IS a chef, and I don't think any of the other guests would have issues with that.

reppunzel

If she wants to make a dish or signature specialty, I don't think it's a problem in and of itself ... in other words, it doesn't reflect poorly on you or the bridal party.

However, from your second post, it does sound like you're hurt by it or maybe feel that she's implying something about what you and the other planners would make.  If that's the case, then I think Cmgilpin's wording is brilliant.

Since it's at her house, maybe you could enlist a friend of hers (that's invited to the shower but not helping give it) to take her out shopping or for a manicure (or pedicure) or whatever she would enjoy while you and the rest of the party planners set up.