Wedding Etiquette Forum

Needing advice on very sensitive issues...LONG, sorry!

I don't know if this is the right place to ask this but I'm needing some advice about inviting family members to the wedding who may not be upstanding citizens.  More specifically, I have an uncle on my Dad's side who was charged (but not yet convicted) with a very serious crime.  He's been in trouble with the law before so this doesn't come as a huge surprise, but this particular charge is NOT good...at all.  I'm not sure where things are at as far as court proceedings, etc. so maybe he'll be in jail by the time my wedding rolls around next year and I won't have to worry about it.  My dad isn't close to him and neither am I, but he's always been invited to, and attended, most of my cousin's weddings.  My grandmother, whom I'm VERY close to, just kind of ignores everything and she's always stood right by him as her son.  I think she'd be hurt if I didn't invite him...ugh.  And I know as everyone keeps telling me, "You can invite whomever you want,"  but I don't want to upset my grandmother by not inviting him either. 

Then, on the same side of the family...I have a much younger cousin whom I don't see very often but he is the son of my most favorite Aunt.  When I became his "friend" on Facebook I noticed his new tattoo (a confederate flag) along with some "white power" references.   This goes totally against what my FI and I believe and my first gut reaction was that this guy is NOT coming to our wedding.  But then I felt like why should I exclude him just because his beliefs, however disgusting to me, are different from my own?  And, like I mentioned, he's the son of my favorite Aunt.  Now, I don't know her feelings about his beliefs since I just learned this. But I know she'd be hurt if I didn't invite him (but did invite his twin brother). I don't think other people would be upset by him being there (because they wouldn't know his beliefs unless he decided to make them known). I know I can't assume he'd bring trouble, but it kind of makes me sick to my stomach to think of having him (and my uncle) there.  Is this reason enough not to invite them?  What would you do?

TIA to anyone who takes the time to give some words of advice!
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Re: Needing advice on very sensitive issues...LONG, sorry!

  • I think you should invite the cousin.  

    As far as the uncle, well it depends on what he's in trouble for.  If it's child molestation or something where you think he could be a threat to your guests or kids at your wedding, then obviously don't invite him.  I think you have to use your best judgement there and if you decide not to invite him, you're just going to have to be an adult and explain to your grandma why you've made your decision.  It will be hard, but sometimes life is hard.
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  • Do you know if you uncle is guilty or innocent?  Honestly, without knowing that and what the crime is, I can't give good advice.

    I would invite the cousin.

    While it's true that it's your wedding and you can invite whoever you want, you also need to remember that when it comes to family, what you decide will not only affect your relationship with the individual, but with other members of your family as well.  There can be long term repurcussions if someone feels slighted, and you have to deal with most of these people for a long time to come.
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  • Unless you think they would actually cause trouble at your wedding, I would invite them.   I don't know what the Uncle did, of course, but you don't seem to have any evidence of the cousin being a troublemaker.  It will cause a bigger stir to NOT invite him.

    You're probably going to spend less than 3 minutes interacting with this guy on the day of your wedding. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_needing-advice-very-sensitive-issueslong-sorry-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9688f1f1-16e6-44a8-b99f-7b62ac5a0e59Post:86c64109-737c-4dac-95c2-57cb0d36dafa">Re: Needing advice on very sensitive issues...LONG, sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're probably going to spend less than 3 minutes interacting with this guy on the day of your wedding. 
    Posted by nhelene[/QUOTE]

    Yep that  is very true.  And if you've known this cousin and his Mom is your favorite Aunt all along, and never knew the white power stuff until FB, odds are it won't be an issue at your wedding either.
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  • melissamc2melissamc2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited July 2010
    Well, ultimately you invite the people you WANT at your wedding to it.  It doesn't sound like you want them there and you've definitely got reasons behind that.

    I'm not sure *I* would let those particular reasons cause me to not invite relatives that would be missed by others in the family/offended if they weren't invited, though.  Yes, your cousin's personal beliefs sound like they would be controversial.  However, what are the odds he'd really pick your wedding as the time to announce those beliefs to what I assume would be a large number of total strangers?  If I started basing my guest list on pesonal beliefs that I disagree with, we'd have a very small wedding indeed.

    As for your Uncle...that one's a bit touchier.  If it's a high profile case in your area, you may find whispers and questions running around.  If not, no one will even know if it's not announced.  I suppose this is where I'm much more lax than most, but even if it were murder...I still think the odds are low that he'd pull round two at your wedding.    Child molestation being the one exception, though.  As stated previously, he has no need to be around children if that could be a true charge.

    In the end, go with what makes YOU the most comfortable.  You don't "owe" anyone an invitation. 

    Good luck!
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  • Your bio says your wedding is in May of next year.  You've got until March to sort all these issues out.  I wouldn't stress TOO much before New Year's about this stuff.

    As for what I'd do - I probably wouldn't invite the uncle UNLESS it's just a white collar crime (fraud, embezzlement, etc.).  If it's anything dangerous that involved hurting another person or a weapon, I wouldn't. 

    The cousin - since it sounds like you wouldn't have known anything about those opinions he has had you not added him on FB, I'd go on and send the invite, unless something changes with him before March.

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  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    What is the uncle charged with?  If it's anything that could pose a danger to your other guests then I wouldn't invite him.  Remember that he is innocent until proven guilty but sometimes common sense has to come into play.

    As for the cousin, it doesn't sound like he goes around spouting off racist beliefs - you found out about them on his facebook page.  As long as he keeps them to himself, you'll be fine.  Do you think this is what he will do?  I have an uncle whose inability to do this forced me to exclude all extended family from my wedding.  I wasn't going to spend my wedding day worrying about what he was saying within FI's multi-ethnic family's earshot.
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  • JenO24JenO24 member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its
    I have an Uncle on my Mom's side whose been in and out of jail, messed up w/ drungs and alcohol and is now in a mental instatution (he's in NY and the wedding is in NC).  I know there's no way he'll make it to the wedding, but I did send him an invitation to know that he is not left out of being included in family events.  That's how I chose to handle my situation.  Only you know the best way to handle your Uncle...no one knows the circumstances surrounding what he's being charged w/ on here so that advice is based on speculation.

    As for the cousin, if it were me I'd send him an invitation.  Just b/c an invitation is sent doesn't mean he'll RSVP w/ a yes...he could choose not to come and you've been worrying for nothing.  If he does come hopefully he has enough sense not to create any drama w/ overly expressing his beliefs.  Just b/c you and your FI don't agree w/ his beliefs doesn't make him a bad person.  Who knows, maybe him and some family or friends don't share in all of your beiefs either, but thats what makes everyone their own person, and I'm sure they'll still include you in life events.  Just food for thought.

    You've got plenty of time as PP said to figure out guest lists...don't stress yourself out yet about things that could change by the time decisions have to be made.  Figure out things as you go along instead of the whole picture at once...that helped me maintain my sanity lol!
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  • If it makes you feel any better we have a similar situation with my FI's cousin and her ex-husband, or whatever they are. DSS took their kids away because there were stories about them doing very inappropriate things to and in front of the kids.  They have since been "rehabilitated" (load of crap) and they have the kids back. My FI grandmother thinks because they have the kids back and they are "rehabilitated" then every thing is peachy keen, hunky dory whatever. Everyone else in the family pretty much thinks she's crazy, but won't do or say anything. My FI's parents refuse to go to family functions where they are present, which typically means that we don't go either. We are not inviting them to the wedding, but of course his grandmother is invited. However, we are fully prepared for her to pitch a fit when she finds out that they are not invited. We are also prepared for her not to come, and the FI is fine with the because he feels so strongly about the cousin and her husband not being there. The kids aren't even an issue, because we are having a kid free wedding.
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  • Thanks for all your words of advice.  I feel better now, especially knowing that I'm not alone.  It's difficult to talk to friends about this sort of thing because they don't seem to have the same issues.

    I'm embarrassed about my uncle's arrest, to be honest.  I don't want to post about it here because people from the area would have seen it in the news.  It's bad and, no, it's not a white collar crime.  I've decided for now that I will not invite him.  His siblings seem split - some will stand by him and others will continue to detest him.  Family will be thinking about it if he's there, and there could even be some confrontations.

    As far as my cousin goes...true, I did learn about it only by Facebook.  But again, this is a cousin I see only every couple of years.  I don't know if he's the type to express anything outwardly.  I have seen him drunk and beligerent before, though, so that makes me a bit uneasy.  At this point I think I will extend him an invite, and hope for the best.
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  • Sounds like you've made some good decisions.  If you're uncomfortable with the uncle being there, it is probably best to not invite him.  If you think it will upset your grandmother, I would sit down and have a long talk with her about your reasoning.  But it is like you said, he might not even be able to go once your wedding rolls around, so maybe you won't have to send him an invite anyway.

    As for the cousin, I doubt he is going to use your wedding to express his "white power" thoughts to everyone.  If you're worried about his drinking, maybe ask another family member to keep an eye on how much he consumes.  And who knows, since you're not super close, he may not even come either!

    Hope it all works out for the best for you!
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  • I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot, and I think it's great that you're taking others' feelings into account. I think that you should invite the cousin, unless you know of previous family events where he's been offensive to others. Unfortunately, many people have ignorant beliefs about skin color, religion, gender, etc., and I think that at least some of them know not to bring things like at up at events like weddings. If he seems to be polite at events, I'd invite him.

    As for the uncle, that's a tricky one. If the crime that he committed was a violent crime or a crime against a person (assault, rape, etc. etc.), I wouldn't invite him. If it was something like petty theft, that feels different to me.
  • You are not close to this cousin and you suspect that he could be a problem. Avoid the hassel and don't invite him.

    Since you don't want to tell us exactly what this crime was that the uncle was arrested for, we are all in the dark. Knowing what the crime actually was may change opinions. If you view the crime as a really bad thing, don't invite him.
  • Wow. I'm surprised so many people are saying to invite the cousin. I wouldn't. Yes, he's entitled to his beliefs -- and I'm entitled to find them disgusting and unacceptable. Whether he would say anything or not isn't the issue -- I would not want to have this person in my life in any way. And I would have no problem telling him or favorite aunt the reason. It's not like he's a republican or christian or vegetarian or gay or any of the other things that might differ from your own belief system but are generally accepted -- his belief system is dangerous and completely abhorrant and by inviting him, you're telling him that he can hold those beliefs and still be a part of your social circle.
  • I don't view weddings as an event to hold "family reunions", so if you're not close with either of these people then why bother inviting them? I can understand your dilemma though.  My FI has a less-than-stellar uncle as well.  We quietly left him off the original draft of our guest list.  Since then he has been incarcerated and could be in for 3 years.  So, I can relate. 


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  • I agree with most of what the PPs said. If I was in your situation I probably wouldn't invite the uncle. I have an unpopular relation myself.

    My Uncle's first marriage was very rocky - there were 3 children born and only 1 of them was his. So when she split, he was left alone with an autistic son. Years later he get's married to a woman quite a bit older than him and a complete controlling bitch to boot - we all know she's just with him so she won't have to work to take care of herself and the grandkids her children won't look after. We all KNOW that she abuses my autistic cousin. Mainly mental - we think it's because she's from a different generation than my uncle and refuses to understand that because of his autism, he can not act like a normal boy. Unfortunately it's never been proven that he is abused by her, so there isn't anything we can do - the only good part is that he is now living in a home far away from her. This woman has completely taken my uncle away from his family. Since he's been married to her, the only "family event" he's attended was a funeral. I refuse to be anywhere near that vile woman and he will not come without her - so their whole family is not getting an invitation.

    I wouldn't invite the uncle unless you know without a doubt that he is innocent. As is the case with my uncle's wife, someone found innocent (or guilty) isn't always. By sending him an invitation you are showing your support for him - so keep that in mind whichever way you choose to go.

    As for the cousin, I would talk to the Aunt. Say something like "I was very surprised by what I saw on his facebook page! How long has he held those beliefs?" Then, if the two of you are close enough, ask her honest opinion of the situation. "My FI and I hold very different beliefs, as do our friends. Do you think that this will be a problem?". Of course, I would only advise this if you know that your Aunt is the kind of person that can have this conversation.
  • I wouldn't invite a white supremacist to my wedding, but then again, there would be a lot of black people at my wedding...  If by 'very serious' you mean violent crime, I wouldn't invite the uncle.  I think you have an 'out' on both of those...
  • You could try explaining to your grandmother that you don't want your uncle to feel uncomfortable by people talking about him.  Perhaps that's a softer way to spin it to granny?  But regardless, since it's not a white collar crime, I'd say it's best not to invite him.  Especially if it could cause controversy and split the family - really, your wedding is not the place for a family confrontation, and you're not required to invite him.

    As far as the cousin, I think if you would have invited him without ever seeing this information (and it sounds like you would, as you've invited his brother) then you should invite him.  He will not be a reflection on you by any means, and likely will behave himself at the wedding.  If he gets drunk and belligerent, he should be escorted out of the party.  Perhaps nominate a friend or family member who is big enough and responsible enough to act as bouncer should anything come up at the wedding, with the cousin or another guest.
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