Not inviting future sister-in-law?

kris10royal

My fiance's sister is a complete you-know-what. And I know that's harsh, but I've tried being friendly ever since we started dating, but she just will not have it. My FI has no relationship with her, her own mother can't get along with her. I mean, she is just vicious... We both agree that we don't want her at the wedding, but everyone seems to think that's just wrong (especially since my FI was the best man in her wedding... 10 years ago) Are we really wrong in feeling this way or would you do the same?

kinsey0628

"Honestly though think about it, if FSIL is a jerk to begin with.  You're just adding fuel to the fire.  Invite her and let her decide whether or not to come.  You're rising above the drama."

exactly.  if she's such a jerk - don't you think NOT inviting her will cause her to freak out and create even more drama?  if you just do the standard polite thing and invite her... what can she do?  maybe she'll try to hurt you by not going --- thus you will get your wish of her not being there AND the honor of being the one to rise above the drama.

nda_roxybabe

Kinsey-Do you know where on The Knot to paste your sig. code?
Go to tiny pic, upload a picture (use the message board size or smaller) then paste the Http code that tiny pic gives you into this:(no *'s though)
<*img src=yourtinypiccodegoeshere</src* />

Paste that into the sig. part of The Knot

kris10royal

Didn't realize that I would come across as being a drama queen, that's why I was sure to put PLEASE there. I'm simply saying that being so quick to attack someone who is asking for advice (by saying "I don't get why people think its ok to exclude family members that are part of a social unit.") is not fair. And if yall don't consider that attacking, I'm sorry for the wording. I'm asking for advice, yes, I know I do not care for her to be there - neither does anyone else in the wedding party, but I know it is normally not acceptable to not invite a sibling. Sorry for coming across wrong.

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-future-sister-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97360d64-076e-4924-9127-bdfdfdda89b0Post:8040dc04-5f55-45bd-85dd-0450ed3ce44d">Re: Not inviting future sister-in-law?</a>:
[QUOTE]Didn't realize that I would come across as being a drama queen, that's why I was sure to put PLEASE there. I'm simply saying that being so quick to attack someone who is asking for advice (by saying "I don't get why people think its ok to exclude family members that are part of a social unit.") is not fair. And if yall don't consider that attacking, I'm sorry for the wording. I'm asking for advice, yes, I know I do not care for her to be there - neither does anyone else in the wedding party, but I know it is normally not acceptable to not invite a sibling. Sorry for coming across wrong.
Posted by kris10royal[/QUOTE]
I was not attacking.
Seriously, I don't care for T's sister very much but you better believe she will still be invited to our wedding, she is family.

kinsey0628

thanks roxy!  i changed my sig to take out the question, i'll have to upload a photo one of these days.

OP- seriously no one was attacking you.  she was just stating she doesn't get why ppl think it's ok to not invite.

anyway it is good you are open to advice.  i am sorry that your FSIL sucks and is a jerk, that's not easy.  i really do think the best thing for you to do is just invite her and then really forget about.  seriously, anything bad she does will reflect on her and not you.  just ignore her, and honestly, hopefully she won't even come.

Sunshine9463

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-future-sister-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97360d64-076e-4924-9127-bdfdfdda89b0Post:8040dc04-5f55-45bd-85dd-0450ed3ce44d">Re: Not inviting future sister-in-law?</a>:
[QUOTE]Didn't realize that I would come across as being a drama queen, that's why I was sure to put PLEASE there. I'm simply saying that being <strong>so quick to attack someone who is asking for advice (by saying "I don't get why people think its ok to exclude family members that are part of a social unit.") is not fair</strong>. And if yall don't consider that attacking, I'm sorry for the wording. <strong>I'm asking for advice, yes, I know I do not care for her to be there - neither does anyone else in the wedding party</strong>, but I know it is normally not acceptable to not invite a sibling. Sorry for coming across wrong.
Posted by kris10royal[/QUOTE]

Yea, Roxy was definitely not attacking. She was simply saying (and, Rox, correct me if  I'm wrong,) that it will always cause trouble if you only include one party of an actual social unit... especially if that social unit is going to be your inlaws.

You are going to deal with these people the rest of your life (presumably). How
could you think of not inviting her?

And yes, you asked for advice and got it. And why does the rest of the wedding party even have a say in this?

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-future-sister-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97360d64-076e-4924-9127-bdfdfdda89b0Post:97333347-09c5-4bae-a6be-21e72897d22a">Re: Not inviting future sister-in-law?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting future sister-in-law? : Yea, Roxy was definitely not attacking. She was simply saying (and, Rox, correct me if  I'm wrong,) that it will always cause trouble if you only include one party of an actual social unit... especially if that social unit is going to be your inlaws. You are going to deal with these people the rest of your life (presumably). How could you think of not inviting her? And yes, you asked for advice and got it. And why does the rest of the wedding party even have a say in this?
Posted by Sunshine9463[/QUOTE]
You are correct.

Sunshine9463

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-future-sister-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97360d64-076e-4924-9127-bdfdfdda89b0Post:c9116117-4655-4725-96ec-4053153a16df">Re: Not inviting future sister-in-law?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting future sister-in-law? : You are correct.
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

As per usual.

Wait, what?

brookelynpaisley

Sorry, it's a sibling and you have to invite her. Hopefully she'll behave herself. Not inviting her would cause more drama than it's probably worth. Good luck.

brookelynpaisley

Where's Moose when I need her? She said something brilliant the other day about how she'll never understand how people think it's okay to alienate or mistreat future inlaws. You're going to be sitting across from them for like 40 years or something at the table at Thanksgiving, Christams, whatever. Granted the relationship isn't great today, but is it really worth it to make it awkward for the rest of your life for a PARTY? Probably not. No, definitely not.

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-future-sister-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97360d64-076e-4924-9127-bdfdfdda89b0Post:475797ea-c7a4-4198-8335-19cddffacde2">Re: Not inviting future sister-in-law?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting future sister-in-law? : As per usual. <strong>Wait, what?</strong>
Posted by Sunshine9463[/QUOTE]
You were talking about how right I always am...haha

Sunshine9463

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-future-sister-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97360d64-076e-4924-9127-bdfdfdda89b0Post:90f93058-218b-4f6e-8b79-50f4b97a5ab0">Re: Not inviting future sister-in-law?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting future sister-in-law? : You were talking about how right I always am...haha
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

Oh! Gotcha. Many thank yous.
For a second I thought<em> I</em> was correct, and then I said to myself, "huh, that's most unusual...."

brookelynpaisley

You girls are funny

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-future-sister-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97360d64-076e-4924-9127-bdfdfdda89b0Post:3b8ad40c-3f8a-44f1-a8da-3aebd33ca650">Re: Not inviting future sister-in-law?</a>:
[QUOTE]You girls are funny :)
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]
Loopy exhausted may be more fitting in my case. You want a front desk job? Or know anyone who does?

brookelynpaisley

Um, nope. Unless you wanna trade and be a tax analyst and answer questions day after day about how busy you must be but you're not.

Oy, I can hear Dh snoring in the bedroom. That'll be fun to fall asleep to when I finally go in there,

nda_roxybabe

Ooh, no thanks. Yes, I'm anxiously waiting for T to get home so I can go to bed. Ahh, bed....

Sunshine9463

And bored to tears with SAH(F)W duties are to blame for me. Gah! 

nda_roxybabe

He is home, goodnight!

brookelynpaisley

I'm on furlough this week. I can relate to SAHW. Oy. Never thought I'd be so excited to get back to the office.

Sunshine9463

Night, Roxy!

brookelynpaisley

Night, ladies!

Sunshine9463

Night, Brookelyn!

tlv204

You don't HAVE to invite anyone. But the other girls are right that it would really just add to the drama.

I do have to say though, where did it say anything about her being in a social unit? I was under the impression it was just the FI's sister, so I don't see what "I would be mad if FI was invited and I wasn't" has to do with anything.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-future-sister-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97360d64-076e-4924-9127-bdfdfdda89b0Post:d31c3066-28b4-4ef8-a111-b63156afe90b">Re: Not inviting future sister-in-law?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong> I do have to say though, where did it say anything about her being in a social unit? I was under the impression it was just the FI's sister, so I don't see what "I would be mad if FI was invited and I wasn't" has to do with anything.</strong>
Posted by tlv204[/QUOTE]

I thought the same thing and wondered if I had missed something?


I say if FI does not want to invite hisown sister he does not have to. But make it HIS choice, not yours

Calypso1977

i think i'll disagree with the majority here.

if your FI has no relationship with his sister, i probably would not invite her either.  but hte call should be his, not yours.  if he ultimately decides she should be there because its his sister, then you have to respect that and invite her.

if its truly "no relationship" meaning they havent seen or spoken to each other in years, then i wouldnt invite her.  if its basic in that they see each other at holidays, etc. and communicate on some level, she should probably be invited.

babyhunbun7

i wish i wasnt inviting mine either let alone having her as a bridesmaid but she is family.  it will be fine, its not about her anyway.  just enjoy your day and dont let people get to you!

kris10royal

thanks for all the advice. to answer some points that were bought up (couldnt keep up with all)...
In the beginning, I was doing my best to get along with her and accept the fact that she will be my sister in law, and just deal... she has however burnt some bridges that cannot be fixed (simpily put, she had some very cruel things to say about my child to my FMIL and VERY rude to my mother - who is paying for the majority of the wedding) My FI, however, has been 100% against her being invited since day 1.
They have not gotten along as far back as he can remember, she is 8 years older than him and she's always looked down on him.
I have decided to invite her, and pray that she doesn't come... however, if she does come, I will  put her at a table somewhere across the room from me, my FI, and our families *because, like I said, no one on the FI's side really cares for her or for her to come anyway* and ignore her.
Thanks again for the advice and making me realize that I had to be the bigger person here.

bbyprincess86

I understand what you are trying to say. I don't get a long with my future sister in law. This girl cause the majoriety of my relationship downfalls. First she dont like me either and in order to get me to break up she starts bringing the ex gf around esp when i was pregnant. It became a habit and she knew i cant stand his ex. then she kept informing my fiance about his ex at the time she was pregnant too so every detail she would bring to my fiance attention. I then got into an arguement and stop talking to her for 2 yrs then she apoligized and went back to herself again and she gotten into an arguement with me about money for our wedding that i brought to his parents attention she then insultant my motherhood and my wedding so I am exluding her from our wedding no invite nothing. You dont disrespect my wedding then you have the guts to show up. 

Alnd overall a wedding is about celebrating the groom and bride. Not no one else. Celebrating their love uniting as one wuth those who supports them not sabotage the relationship. Thats how I see it. 

kmmssg

DNA doesn't clinch the answer here.   I'm a mob with grown kids and I also have one of those toxic people in my family (not one of the kids though). 

If she is that toxic and has been for all these years, she doesn't need to be invited.  If her own mother doesn't want to be around her and your FI has said from day 1 that he doesn't want her there that says a lot.  

Will you hear about it for years.  Yes.  Can you guys deal with it?  Your call.  For me, I could deal with that regarding the toxic sibling in my family. 

Decide what the two of you feel the relationship will be for many years to come and make your decision from there.  If she is out of the wedding, is she pretty much out of your life?

My sibling is out of my life by my choice.  She is very toxic and has never changed.  She doesn't value me as a person or sibling and I don't need to put up with that.  I know the big picture story and I made the decision that is healthy for me.  She has never asked why she is not welcome in my life because she knows she wouldn't want to hear the answer.  I have no problem calling her out on her lifelong actions.

She was invited to my wedding 15 years ago.  she lived in another state, had the means to travel.  She did not attend.  Maybe her DH at the time could't get time off or whatever.  Not holding a grudge that she didnt' attend, but I recognize her actions for what they were.  Not so much as a phone call or card.  Called me 5 weeks after the wedding with some bs story about how she "forgot" to call on my wedding day.  When my son was born - same thing.  Deep down, I love her, would take a bullet for her, or push her out of the way of a moving train.  Will I spend time with her?  Nope. 

bbyprincess86

Exactly like how kmmssg said. It's upto you and how you want to deal with it. To me am not talking to my sis in law since sept 2010 and it dont boter me nor it bothers my fiance. Wen we spoked about not inviting her cause she insulting our wedding he really didnt care only his parents what matters in the wedding to him. I didnt invite her to my sons 1st bday she asked my fiance why but didnt bribed him to invite her she said ok w.e and she even said herself she dont care if she gets invited or not cause my wedding is not going to be good