Eloping?

jmob1923

Hi girls!

I don't get over to this board much, but was curious on your thoughts.

For the past year, FI & I have been planning a cookie cutter wedding for October 1, 2011. We had a LOT of OOT guests, so we sent out STDs early. With nine months to go, we have had enough of this wedding pulling us in a million directions, and have encounted so much drama along the way that we have decided to elope in May. We are inviting along our intermediate family and closest friends. I'm not sure what to do about the rest. Do I keep it a secret and just surprise everyone when we come back and are married (I hate the thought of keeping a secret... I'm bad at holding news in!) by sending out a postcard or something? Or do we do something now where we inform guests that we are eloping?

Thanks in advance!

Calypso1977

you send out some sort of wedding announcements with a note at the bottom that the october festivities are canceled.

aMrsin09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:de182989-cd8b-480a-bb6c-40e26a27f70e">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]you send out some sort of wedding announcements with a note at the bottom that the october festivities are canceled.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

AFTER the elopement has happened.

If you want to do it before hand, just send out a printed postcard saying the marriage  of XXX to YYY willnot be taking place as planned.

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:dfe72165-7001-4916-8904-4ca28c8779c8">Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi girls! I don't get over to this board much, but was curious on your thoughts. For the past year, FI & I have been planning a cookie cutter wedding for October 1, 2011. We had a LOT of OOT guests, so we sent out STDs early. With nine months to go, we have had enough of this wedding pulling us in a million directions, and have encounted so much drama along the way that we have decided to elope in May. We are inviting along our intermediate family and closest friends. I'm not sure what to do about the rest. Do I keep it a secret and just surprise everyone when we come back and are married (I hate the thought of keeping a secret... I'm bad at holding news in!) by sending out a postcard or something? Or do we do something now where we inform guests that we are eloping? Thanks in advance! :)
Posted by jmob1923[/QUOTE]

It's not exactly eloping if you're inviting family and friends.  You've decided to have a destination wedding.  I guess you could send another card to those who got STDs saying that you will now be having a private (even though that's kind of a lie) ceremony on such and such date instead.  Some people may be hurt or pissed.

The Mel and Todd Show

Yea.  This isn't eloping.  You're having a small wedding.  If you sent out STDs so your oot guests could make travel arrangements, it would seem best to alert them that there is no longer a need to do so before they've spent any money.  Send another card indicating that your wedding will no longer be taking place an such and such date, as planned.  You can send wedding announcements the day of or within a few days of your wedding, if you choose. 

ETA- you see what we did there, Emily? 

lyndausvi

Send out a postcard  saying the October wedding is not going to take place.  Do this ASAP so the OOT guests do not start making non-refundable travel plans.

After you 'elope' (which is not an elopement IMO) you can send out an anouncement.


Just wondering why the October wedding is causing so much stress yet the May one would not?  It's sounds like you are still having a wedding with guests attending.

Rosie109

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:efeda9c3-06ba-4104-8e39-706c4856b020">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]Send out a postcard  saying the October wedding is not going to take place.  Do this ASAP so the OOT guests do not start making non-refundable travel plans. After you 'elope' (which is not an elopement IMO) you can send out an anouncement. Just wondering why the October wedding is causing so much stress yet the May one would not?  It's sounds like you are still having a wedding with guests attending.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>It seems like being cookie cutter might have gotten to her.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Ok fine. I will let cookie cutter go. :(</div>

tidetravel

IMO, if you decide to cancel the October wedding, you owe it to your guests to let them know ASAP.  The whole point of sending STDs is so that people can make travel arrangements ahead of time.  I bet a lot of your guests would have made plans to attend your wedding sooner than the May wedding date.

FutureMrsTR

Yeah, because NO ONE has destination weddings.  That is totally unique.

musicalsunlight

This definitely is not eloping if you are inviting others besides the witnesses and Officiant. I do think some guests may be upset or hurt if they are cut out of the invite to the DW, but that will be the risk you take.I agree with PP that you need to inform your guests that the October wedding is canceled.

aMrsin09

I don't think she was going for unique.  I think she changed so she didn't get a hassle fora wedding that wasn't worth it.

jmob1923

Wow, I was only looking for some friendly advice. Not to be judged or made fun of.
At this point, I'm not going to explain my reasoning behind the change, accept that it is the right decision for my FI & myself. Thanks anyways ladies. Have a Happy & Safe New Year!

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:3473396c-758b-4578-b240-c35b9dafcf99">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Wow, I was only looking for some friendly advice.</strong> Not to be judged or made fun of. At this point, I'm not going to explain my reasoning behind the change, accept that it is the right decision for my FI & myself. Thanks anyways ladies. Have a Happy & Safe New Year!
Posted by jmob1923[/QUOTE]

You got advice. No one is required to be friendly.

Part of etiquette - the main part, really - is avoiding offending people. If you invited me to your wedding via STD and then told me before I'd made any travel plans that surprise, you eloped instead, I'd be a bit confused, a bit bummed, and possibly a bit hurt, but I'd get over it. If you invited me and then told me after I'd paid hundreds of dollars for a plane ticket that actually, you already got married with some other people, and I didn't make the cut, don't you think I'd be well within my rights to be absolutely furious with and offended by you? And don't you care about not doing that to your original guests?

I sure would.

FutureMrsTR

I don't know that anyone is ever looking to be judge or made fun of, but it happens.  And wouldn't you rather hear that you might piss people off or inconvenience them in a way you hadn't thought of BEFORE you do the thing that might piss them off or inconvenience them?

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:3473396c-758b-4578-b240-c35b9dafcf99">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, I was only looking for some friendly advice. Not to be judged or made fun of. At this point, I'm not going to explain my reasoning behind the change, accept that it is the right decision for my FI & myself. Thanks anyways ladies. Have a Happy & Safe New Year!
Posted by jmob1923[/QUOTE]
No one was even that mean.  I think it's rude.  Just send them a note now is the biggest thing you need to do.

tidetravel

OP - looking at your posting history, it appears that you perpetuate most of the drama that you're experiencing.  Maybe you should take a step back, look in the mirror, and realize that running away from everything isn't going to solve your relationship problems.

andy71781

Regardless of your reasons for the change you got good advice on telling your family and friends ASAP.  You are welcome.

leah2b

I would say send out a notice asap that the wedding will not take place.  It is too late to wait until May.  I think people will understand so long as they are given advance notice so that they do not take off vacation days and make travel arrangements.  I know I certainly would understand.  Say it's partly for budgetary reasons and that you just decided to elope.  Order some nice stationary postcards and send them to everyone that got a STD --  Something along the lines of "we decided to elope! We thank you so much for your love and support but after much consideration we decided to  elope rather than hold the wedding scheduled for October X.  We will be eloping to (whatever location) in May. 

ootmother2

I have tons of youneek cookie cutters in all fish & shell shape.  Even have a lobster cookie cutter.

andy71781

now I want some cookies!  darn you E!

aschmidtboston

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:898af45d-bd8c-45c7-a2e0-94b5f06d6478">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think she was going for unique.  I think she changed so she didn't get a hassle fora wedding that wasn't worth it.
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

Exactly.

emilyinchile

When will people realize that just like they can see multiple boards, we can too?

OP, seriously now. If you have a problem with what we have said in response to your follow-up, please come and say it here. Because in my mind, I really do think that people have given you solid advice. You clearly don't. If your opinion is based on not being told what you wanted to hear, then fine, just go pout, but if you actually truly and honestly think we're wrong, I'd be interested to know why.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:7dd5710b-cc29-4e6c-9dc2-2a50b2b82782">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]now I want some cookies!  darn you E!
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

How do you know that my name starts with E  I don't think we've emailed, have we?

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:842ebda5-ad1c-4469-aae4-86ad854313d2">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eloping? : It would be weird if you were looking for judgmental mockery.  You got good advice.
Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

omfg... You kill me.

ootmother2

I guess the world doesn't revolve around me then.

ootmother@yahoo if you even need it

Rosie109

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:87968e18-5bf4-4442-bbfe-c0948b10cee1">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have tons of youneek cookie cutters in all fish & shell shape.  Even have a lobster cookie cutter.
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

<div>STOOOPPPP WITH THE COOKIE CUTTERSSSSS</div>

Snippylynn

Aw look.  She's one of Future-Mrs' products.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:80fbe7ef-2e66-41ea-80bd-3cc097a24053">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]PPs are right, but if you have "a LOT of OOT guests," I have to say I think it's pretty shitty to do this.* *This is assuming that OOT means "need to fly to our wedding." If they were going to drive an hour and no longer have to then that a) is not OOT in my book and b) is fine. But if I bought a nonrefundable plane ticket to your wedding, and then you canceled said wedding because you didn't feel like having it that way, I'd be angry.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Seriously. After I sent out my STDs I felt like my wedding was written in stone. That was 7 months before my wedding. Even sending out the invitations didn't make it any more "permanant" because I knew people had already made travel plans for my wedding back in March and April.

hbatchel2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:6e5774e4-458b-4b69-b385-58c87d55f725">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]When will people realize that just like they can see multiple boards, we can too?
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]


Most people are well aware that you can see other boards. I guess they just make the silly assumption that people aren't bored enough to knot-stalk to see where others post.

emilyinchile

And FutureMrs is apparently a "sad bear" that they are not "date twins" anymore. I think the concept of "date twins" is absolutely ridiculous. You are on a wedding website. There are only so many weekend days in any given year. When you further narrow that down to weekend days in a month, I don't think it's special to find out that someone else shares your wedding date.

emilyinchile

Genuine thanks for coming back and explaining all that.

Are you sure there is no way that you can change your venue and plans and honor the October invitation? If the issue is budget, then you don't have to run off to Vegas, just plan something that you can afford even if it's low-key. That would really be the best way to avoid hurting your friends and family who're now probably going to feel like they were second class when they're not invited to Vegas. I think the second best option would be to only invite your immediate family (parents, siblings, grandparents) to Vegas and explain to everyone else that it's because of budget issues.

It's not bad etiquette to do something different and to have the wedding that you really want - not at all. It IS however bad etiquette to invite people to something and then uninvite them, even if that something is your wedding and the reason for the uninviting is that you allowed yourself to be pressured into something you didn't want originally and are now standing up for yourself.