Parents putting THEIR coworkers on guest list

jodiemariecooksley

Curious about what people have done in this situation...

Our guest list is around 300 right now. Originally it was closer to 250/260. My parents are paying for about 90% of the wedding. My mom has also started adding many people to the guest list she works with. I have never met any of these people. My mom said she thinks it politically correct to invite all the people in her office since it would be weird to only invite a few. I've never met any of the people she works with and she has only been there for  years. In my opinion none of them should be invited. She says they won't come probably, but I will still have to send them invitations.

What do you think about this?

Calypso1977

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-putting-their-coworkers-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97c3b08b-72fb-4c38-b7a2-e4b12260fc55Post:c35d5428-527c-4af1-bb56-2e3ea4bbd54f">Parents putting THEIR coworkers on guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]Curious about what people have done in this situation... Our guest list is around 300 right now. Originally it was closer to 250/260. My parents are paying for about 90% of the wedding. My mom has also started adding many people to the guest list she works with. I have never met any of these people. My mom said she thinks it politically correct to invite all the people in her office since it would be weird to only invite a few. I've never met any of the people she works with and she has only been there for  years. In my opinion none of them should be invited. She says they won't come probably, but I will still have to send them invitations. What do you think about this?
Posted by jodiemariecooksley[/QUOTE]

if you dont want strangers at your wedding, you have to pay for it yourself.  they pay, so its their party, their guest list.

annakb8

Well she is paying. If you aren't running out of space and she isn't making you cut your friends because of this I'd probably just let it go. 

You can tell her that it is OK to only invite some coworkers though. 

rebarobert2012

If she is paying for that much of your wedding, then she gets a pretty big say in the guest list.  If you really don't want them invited, you and your fiance should probably be prepared to pay for it yourselves.

Simply Fated

You're not alone. When my boyfriend's brother got married he and his fiancé (now wife) paid for the whole thing themselves. Their mom insisted her bosses and their wives attend. His brother gave in. Then their mom was furious because her bosses were sat all the way in the back corner. I'm going to have to go through the same thing when I get married. I'm dreading it. How much of your 10% gets effected? If it's a significant amount, lay it out for mom to see and explain that these extra people can not be accommodated. If there is no added cost for you, let it go. Pick a more interesting battle to fight. It sucks you don't know these people, but that isn't the worst thing in the world. It's very important to note that you should always plan for 100% attendance.

RaptorSLH

With your parents, figure out the total guests your venue can comfortably fit, and your combined budget can afford.  Figure out an equitable split that allows you to invite your close friends, and includes your FI's desired family members.  Then stop worrying about who your parents have chosen to fill their portion with.

jodiemariecooksley

I'm more concerned that she is inviting the entire office, includign people she doesn't particularly like because she doesn't like the idea of excluding anyone. I'd be fine with the people she is closer to coming but not the entire office. We only can have a max of 275 at the wedding due to the space and the list is now over 300. She says she feels it's politically correct to invite all of them. She says they will be offended if some of them are invited and not all of thm. In my mind I think that's crazy. Why would they be offended for NOT getting invited to a girl's wedding they ahve never met??

annakb8

OK, if space is an issue I think you do need to talk to your mom about this. As far as etiquette goes it is totally ok to not invite the whole office. Most people only invite coworkers that they are close to and socialize with outside the office. And you are right, your mom probably does think these people want to come more than they actually do. 

specialk84

Your mom shouldn't be inviting anyone at the office--she should be mailing invitations to their homes. Most adults are smart enough to not take the invitation into work and brag about it to everyone.

My parents paid for my wedding, and they invited a number of their friends and coworkers, plus their children. It was a big day for them, too, and they wanted to share it with their friends.

If you're going over your maximum, that should be the issue, not whether your mom wants to invite some coworkers.

knmd2012

I'm in a similar situation- my parents are paying for about 60% of the wedding and my fiance and I are paying for almost all the rest. My mom is inviting EIGHT of her coworkers, all with guests. I'm inviting 2 of mine and my fiance is inviting one of his. I wouldn't want to attend a coworker's kid's wedding, but my mom insists they'll all want to come.

Having "extra" guests on our list that I've never met used to annoy me since we'll be paying the liquor cost per person (for top shelf open bar) and many of the other per person costs besides food (invites, escort cards, centerpieces, etc), but I've just had to come to terms with it and appreciate the fact that my parents are helping us out so much.

Maybe the coworkers will get you nice gifts? That's my semi-evil, non-ettiquette-approved coping mechanism for this one. Good luck!

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-putting-their-coworkers-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97c3b08b-72fb-4c38-b7a2-e4b12260fc55Post:51dbf448-3dbf-4418-a9f4-c5b8f102805f">Re: Parents putting THEIR coworkers on guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm more concerned that she is inviting the entire office, includign people she doesn't particularly like because she doesn't like the idea of excluding anyone. I'd be fine with the people she is closer to coming but not the entire office. We only can have a max of 275 at the wedding due to the space and the list is now over 300. She says she feels it's politically correct to invite all of them. She says they will be offended if some of them are invited and not all of thm. In my mind I think that's crazy. Why would they be offended for NOT getting invited to a girl's wedding they ahve never met??
Posted by jodiemariecooksley[/QUOTE]

Well I'm assuming she okayed the venue right?  Just say "Mom, the venue we chose can only hold 275, so maybe you shouldn't invite all your coworkers".  If she wants to invite them all, then a new venue should be found.

Simply Fated

She needs to be reminded of the maximum guest list number and told to start making cuts. She is far too concerned with office politics and it's going to cost her dearly if enough of them RSVP yes. Its much worse to overinvite than not invite at all, in this case. They won't be offended, you're right.

jodiemariecooksley

Yes, it does seem she is losing site of the reason for the day. Not to please her coworkers, it's supposed to be about two people spending the rest of their lives together!

I think a few months after the wedding none of her coworkers will even remember it and they will have something new they will be "offended" by. Maybe something actually work related???

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-putting-their-coworkers-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97c3b08b-72fb-4c38-b7a2-e4b12260fc55Post:7537acbb-064a-49b5-8cf7-9cf3c0d8967b">Re: Parents putting THEIR coworkers on guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, it does seem she is losing site of the reason for the day. Not to please her coworkers, it's supposed to be about two people spending the rest of their lives together! I think a few months after the wedding none of her coworkers will even remember it and they will have something new they will be "offended" by. Maybe something actually work related???
Posted by jodiemariecooksley[/QUOTE]

<div>I still think you're blowing this way out of proportion. The problem is not that she wants to invite coworkers, it's that she wants to invite more people than your venue can hold. The two are related, but the latter is the only thing to be worried about.</div><div>
</div><div>It is not unusual AT ALL for parents to want to invite friends or coworkers to their child's wedding.</div>

annakb8

I agree with Special. Focus on the space factor, not on the "OMG! Strangers on My Special Day!!!!" factor. 

Kate61487

Unfortunately money comes with strings, you need to see how tightly your mom is going to hold them.  If she's pushing the guest list over the venue capacity then obviously that's a problem and you need to talk to her about that.  It's silly of her to invite the entire office, and she definitely doesn't need to etiquette-wise, but since she's paying if she really wants them there she could make you cut your friends. 
Hopefully she won't be all "my way or the highway" and she'll realize that it's your and FI's wedding and thus YOUR family and friends should be the focus of the guest list.  Good luck!

FWIW - my parents both had coworkers on the guest list, but they were people I've known since I was a kid, who come to their memorial day party every year, that sort of thing.  I told my parents upfront that I didn't want anyone at the wedding I didn't know and they were completely supportive of that.  But this is a big day for your mom to, so as long as she's paying and there's room she can invite who she wants.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-putting-their-coworkers-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97c3b08b-72fb-4c38-b7a2-e4b12260fc55Post:7537acbb-064a-49b5-8cf7-9cf3c0d8967b">Re: Parents putting THEIR coworkers on guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, it does seem she is losing site of the reason for the day. Not to please her coworkers, it's supposed to be about two people spending the rest of their lives together! I think a few months after the wedding none of her coworkers will even remember it and they will have something new they will be "offended" by. Maybe something actually work related???
Posted by jodiemariecooksley[/QUOTE]

But the thing is<strong>...It is your mom's party</strong>. So she can invite whoever she wants. It is really her party that you happen to be getting married at.

You can nicely ask her to cut her list; however, it is her money, so you can't do much more than nicely ask once or twice (max).

specialk84

Ooh, another pretty sig, Redhead! I like it!

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-putting-their-coworkers-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97c3b08b-72fb-4c38-b7a2-e4b12260fc55Post:4648cbe0-d0f0-44b4-81fd-d45361eed89e">Re: Parents putting THEIR coworkers on guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]Ooh, another pretty sig, Redhead! I like it!
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

Thanks!

LDYGTR13

Office Politics are weird - your mom is probably doing what's best for her office situation. Most of those people probably won't show up anyway, and some might even buy you a present, so who cares? Your parents are paying - they get to invite whoever the heck they want.

chrmun

One thing I might mention to her is that people may be offended by an invitation.  If someone that I work with invited me to the wedding of their kid, whom I had never met, I would immediately think, "Oh my god, this tacky creature is fishing for presents off the company pier."  I mean, if these are not people that she spends time with outside of the office, they are most likely going to get that they are being invited, but aren't really expected to show up.

That having been said, as she's apying for most of it, it's really her mistake to make.

tenofcups4me

It's pretty common for parents to invite (some) co-workers. Like others have said, the big problem it that it bumps your guest list too high. I wouldn't be willing to cut my friends for mom's co-workers. Talk to her again and see if you can get her to cut it just to people she works closely with or her bosses or her immediate department or people she socializes with...or something that includes co-workers but not all of them.

I get why she'd want to invite important co-workers, but your max. is your max. so something's gotta give.

achiduck

While I do think it's a little odd it's their money and they can invite whomever they wish.

If you don't want "strangers" at your wedding you need to fork over your own money.

maribeth721

If she is paying for them then I would let her. If it's not a financial burden on you and you aren't running out of room, should be no issue. Chances are if they don't know you, they won't come anyways.

We had this same issue with my Dad. He however, is not paying for 90% of our wedding. We sat down with him and explained how many of our friends, people that we spend time with and are closely involved in our lives, we would not be able to include by having to pay for those people we had never met and we came to a compromise.

mollyehren

He who pays has the say. That being said while it is common to invite your co-workers, nobody invites their parents co-workers especially with size constraints. Ask mom what she intends to do if too many people rsvp in the affirmative?

By the way I would also think the couple where extremely gift grabby if I got an invite from a co-workers kid, especially if I had never met the kid

RaptorSLH

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-putting-their-coworkers-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97c3b08b-72fb-4c38-b7a2-e4b12260fc55Post:aa07d5d0-02ca-4a7f-8837-d1cf470e49f3">Re: Parents putting THEIR coworkers on guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]She needs to be reminded of the maximum guest list number and told to start making cuts. <strong>She is far too concerned with office politics and it's going to cost her dearly if enough of them RSVP yes. Its much worse to overinvite than not invite at all,</strong> in this case. They won't be offended, you're right.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This.  She's setting herself up for a much, much worse diplomatic problem.</div>

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-putting-their-coworkers-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97c3b08b-72fb-4c38-b7a2-e4b12260fc55Post:64723d57-2664-4c77-bc08-8726e3a5817f">Re: Parents putting THEIR coworkers on guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]He who pays has the say. That being said while it is common to invite your co-workers, <strong>nobody invites their parents co-workers</strong> especially with size constraints. Ask mom what she intends to do if too many people rsvp in the affirmative? By the way I would also think the couple where extremely gift grabby if I got an invite from a co-workers kid, especially if I had never met the kid
Posted by mollyehren[/QUOTE]

I must me confused; I thought the dozen or so of us who have said "my parents invited coworkers" meant that at least some people do....

mollyehren

Further down I mentioned if it was a kid I never met.  It just seems gift grabby. That and I've had so many friends make comments about how someone not giving a gift later, yet another thing that annoys me (nobody should have to bring a gift.)

cindyn9178

I understand that you have more of an issue with her insisting on inviting the whole office, which is putting the guest list way over your max number. If the max your venue can hold is 275, then you cannot invite more than 275 people. Period.
If your parents are paying for 90% of the wedding, then unfortunately, they kind of do have 90% of the say as to who is invited.
Tell her that you need to cut the guest list down to 275 people. If she still insists on inviting those coworkers, then so be it, but she will need to cut other people.
Hopefully she will come to her senses and realize that you shouldn't have to cut your guests list of people who actually matter to you, so that she can invite her entire office.
I do understand parents inviting coworkers or people you have never met. Because you are her daughter, so she would like the people in her life at your wedding, even if you don't personally know them.

specialk84

Molly, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but your posts are usually hard to understand. You seem to get all the important details into it, just not in a way that makes sense. Maybe you should reread what you wrote before you post it. 

I eventually get your point, and it's usualy a good one, but it's a shame it gets buried because it's hard to understand.

Cortney1982

I'd be more concerned about space since you are over the limit with guests.  Something tells me if she is so concerned with office politics, it's your guests that you are going to have to uninvite not hers.  I hope your mom can find another venue that is larger.