engagement party/shower invite questions

wlwilson87

My fiance and I are having a pretty small wedding and reception of only about 40 people at most. Our guest list will consist of family and only a few very close friends. My mom and some of the people that I work with want to throw us a shower/engagement party. They want to invite a ton of people, most won't be invited to the wedding itself. Is this wrong?
 
Would it be more acceptable to do such if we had a "causual cookout reception" one of the weekends following the wedding for everyone including those not invited to the actual wedding?

marissa_claire

Yes, it's wrong to invite people to pre-wedding parties that aren't invited to the wedding itself. 

You can have a cookout a few weeks after the wedding, but don't call it a reception.  Call it a party - a non-wedding-related party.  

EDIT - so your mom and co-workers are throwing one together?  Clarify that please, because co-workers are the one exception to the shower rule of not inviting non-guests.

DanielleZZ

I know a few people who had "office" showers with people who weren't invited to the wedding and knew this ahead of time but I am not sure what the proper etiquette is.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-partyshower-invite-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:996be549-0a10-41fc-9ce6-186bd9376a72Post:97e2ddbd-887d-440c-978d-237d76da80ea">engagement party/shower invite questions</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are having a pretty small wedding and reception of only about 40 people at most. Our guest list will consist of family and only a few very close friends. My mom and some of the people that I work with want to throw us a shower/engagement party. They want to invite a ton of people, most won't be invited to the wedding itself. Is this wrong?   Would it be more acceptable to do such if we had a "causual cookout reception" one of the weekends following the wedding for everyone including those not invited to the actual wedding?
Posted by wlwilson87[/QUOTE]

<div>Anyone who is invited to pre-wedding parties needs to be invited to the wedding.  The one exception to this is if people are well aware that they aren't invited and choose to throw you a shower anyways.  The only time I really hear of this happening though is if co-workers throw you a shower.</div>

hlq2011

What PPs said.  And no, having a casual delayed reception doesn't make it any better, unless the ceremony is super-small (i.e., immediate family and no one else).

Why not just have the larger, casual reception as your actual wedding reception, and invite all those people to the wedding?  If you're thinking about having the larger reception anyway...

noodle_oo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-partyshower-invite-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:996be549-0a10-41fc-9ce6-186bd9376a72Post:97e2ddbd-887d-440c-978d-237d76da80ea">engagement party/shower invite questions</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are having a pretty small wedding and reception of only about 40 people at most. Our guest list will consist of family and only a few very close friends. My mom and some of the people that I work with want to throw us a shower/engagement party. They want to invite a ton of people, most won't be invited to the wedding itself. Is this wrong?   Would it be more acceptable to do such if we had a "causual cookout reception" one of the weekends following the wedding for everyone including those not invited to the actual wedding?
Posted by wlwilson87[/QUOTE]

Yes, it is wrong.  If you have an actual wedding reception, I don't think inviting people to a "casual cookout reception" later makes it okay to invite them to the shower.  That's sort of says "buy me an expensive wedding present, but you aren't good enough for my actual reception, but you can come to the cheap reception". 

As others said, a work shower is the one exception.  But if you mom is planning a shower she should only invite those invited to the actual wedding.

cherbein

This one's pretty simple... An invite to a pre-wedding party implies that these people would be invited to the wedding.  Either keep the bridal shower small, or think about how to do a larger more casual reception like the one PP suggested.  It'll save you a lot of pre-wedding drama and trust me that you won't need any extra drama as the date gets closer! (last statement may be the crazy less than a month out stress talking...)

wlwilson87

By "mom and coworkers" I mean just that. My mom works with me. I work at a large preschool with around 30 teachers. Im not super close to all of them and because I have decided to have a very small wedding I have decided to only invite 2 of them. I have known these 2 women for years and if I were having a larger bridal party they would both be bridesmaids. That being said, the school wants to throw me a shower just like they have for several of the other girls I work with. My mom is kind of taking over because she knows me very well and is still considered a coworker. I'm very conservative  and my mother wants to make sure that it is done in good taste as to make sure I'm confortable.

I agree with what everyone has said and feel bad having a shower thrown for me if the guests aren't invited to the wedding. Do I allow them to do so?

wlwilson87

Well I'm assuming they know they aren't invited. I've done everything short of saying, "hey you aren't invited to my wedding." I've made it known that its a very small wedding with mainly family.

The reason my mom is helping is because like I mentioned before I'm a bit on the conservative side. The other staff  showers have been more like bachelorette parties, penis cakes, penis straws, lots of alcohol, etc. I dislike these types of things and don't want them at any of my showers. This is why I kindly stated to my coworkers, "Thats so sweet but there is no need to throw me a shower." Do I flat out tell them not to throw me one?