Weird question

sap82478

Thanks everyone for your opinions, I have decided to leave this up to my FH  Thanks again, I should of thought it through b4 posting

I am new to the message board, I come on once in a while, but this may be something new or old, I am not sure. This is the situation at hand, My FH asked his Brother to be the best man, normal right, well his wife is having issues, (second marriage for him). She first explained in  utter detail she will not be attending since 1 were having it on a friday and her kids are in school, 2 since we are having an "adult only" reception that is just not right kids should be there, and 3rdly, since they live 2 1/2 hours away, the BM (her  husband) will not be able to attend the rehersal. He agreed with all of the above OK.... so we didn't say anything yet, due to the fact OUR wedding is in 2012 HELLO, the new problem is this We decided to choose someone else to be the BM if necessary, however, and he would  just be a GM. .. then another episode happend with him and his wife, the invited my FMI to live with them from another state, then kicked her out because she isn't the maid, she smokes.. and on and on, no prob, now she lives with us... the huge question is IS IT RUDE OR WRONG to NOT invite them to the wedding at all.. Even though he is my FH brother.... I am VERY angry with them, and they are inconsiederate of others, I just hope this is the right thing to do, I am scared we will regreat the decision later if we don't invite them
Posted by sap82478

jena.n.ross

I think it's WAY too early to make a decision about this.  You won't be mailing invitations for another (at least) 13 months.  Seriously, don't start stressing about your guest list already.  You're going to drive yourself (and your friends, family, and FH) crazy.  
I understand that you're angry, and it sounds justifiably reasonable, but a decision like this is going to be with you for the rest of your lives.  Don't make it yet. 

Simply Fated

What responsibilities? All he has to do is show up, really. The rehearsal is not mandatory.
You still have over a year until your weeding. A lot can change from now until then.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weird-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a6c3cd7-8619-49ea-add1-69af4b461951Post:fa59df51-c67c-42da-9ca4-06e966889a1b">Re: Weird question</a>:
[QUOTE]What responsibilities? All he has to do is show up, really. The rehearsal is not mandatory. You still have over a year until your weeding. A lot can change from now until then.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

Ditto this.  There are no responsibilities for the BM except get the attire, hold the rings, and sign the marriage license. 

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weird-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a6c3cd7-8619-49ea-add1-69af4b461951Post:3202183d-81f8-4895-be49-b5a2b37e9408">Re: Weird question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Weird question : He was asked to take the tuxes back, return the rental car, escort his mom home, the bacholor party with his gm, sign in for the room, and a few other things, if he's not here, its kinda impossible, but I was just curious what outsiders thought  of the issue, I am leaving the final decision up to my FH.
Posted by sap82478[/QUOTE]

<p>Seriously, for being a year and a half out from your wedding you are already asking a lot.  You shouldn't even be thinking about the attire yet, let alone who is going to return it. 

Are you leaving the day after for the honeymoon?  Returning the rental car usually has to be done by the person who rented it.  You can have each GM return their own tux, and have one of them take your FI's with them.  The bachelor party is not a requirement, the GM's throw it because they want to, not because they are prodded by you or your FI.  Escort his mom home?  Is she not capable of getting there herself? 

You are already trying to micromanage his entire day and weekend, no wonder why he is acting weird about being the BM.</p>

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weird-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a6c3cd7-8619-49ea-add1-69af4b461951Post:49797492-ed9e-411c-820b-4a3e82cf9b22">Weird question</a>:
[QUOTE]I am new to the message board, I come on once in a while, but this may be something new or old, I am not sure. This is the situation at hand, My FH asked his Brother to be the best man, normal right, well his wife is having issues, (second marriage for him). She first explained in  utter detail she will not be attending since 1 were having it on a friday and her kids are in school, 2 since we are having an "adult only" reception that is just not right kids should be there, and 3rdly, since they live 2 1/2 hours away, the BM (her  husband) will not be able to attend the rehersal. He agreed with all of the above OK.... so we didn't say anything yet, due to the fact OUR wedding is in 2012 HELLO, the new problem is this We decided to choose someone else to be the BM if necessary, however, and he would  just be a GM. .. then another episode happend with him and his wife, the invited my FMI to live with them from another state, then kicked her out because she isn't the maid, she smokes.. and on and on, no prob, now she lives with us... the huge question is IS IT RUDE OR WRONG to NOT invite them to the wedding at all.. Even though he is my FH brother.... I am VERY angry with them, and they are inconsiederate of others, I just hope this is the right thing to do, I am scared we will regreat the decision later if we don't invite them
Posted by sap82478[/QUOTE]

JIC.

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weird-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a6c3cd7-8619-49ea-add1-69af4b461951Post:3202183d-81f8-4895-be49-b5a2b37e9408">Re: Weird question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Weird question : He was asked to take the tuxes back, return the rental car, escort his mom home, the bacholor party with his gm, sign in for the room, and a few other things, if he's not here, its kinda impossible, but I was just curious what outsiders thought  of the issue, I am leaving the final decision up to my FH.
Posted by sap82478[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeesh, you sound like a dream.  The best man/groomsman can offer to do these things, but none are required.  It's not impossible to manage a wedding without depending on others to do your scut.  It's your party, these details are your responsibility.</div>

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weird-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a6c3cd7-8619-49ea-add1-69af4b461951Post:3202183d-81f8-4895-be49-b5a2b37e9408">Re: Weird question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Weird question : He was asked to take the tuxes back, return the rental car, escort his mom home, the bacholor party with his gm, sign in for the room, and a few other things, if he's not here, its kinda impossible, but I was just curious what outsiders thought  of the issue, I am leaving the final decision up to my FH.
Posted by sap82478[/QUOTE]
Why does the BM have to do this? These are things that any one can do.
Is your husband incapable of returning the tuxes for his groomsmen?
Is no one else able to escort his mom home?
The bachlor party, like the rehearsal dinner, is not mandatory. Nothing but the actual wedding is.
Why does he need to be the one to sign in for the room?

It sounds like you made a list of tasks for this person to do and that's not right. Being a groomsmen, especially a best man, is an honour, not a job. It's fine if you ask nicely if he can do these things, but since they're not mandatory for him to do, it would be rude to take away his position in the bridal party because of it.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weird-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a6c3cd7-8619-49ea-add1-69af4b461951Post:86ee71a8-78dd-4bac-ada9-707465a8e52d">Re: Weird question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Weird question : I guess I should have stated this before, The entire wedding is planned, set in stone, paid (almost in full for) and the only things I have left are to have my dress made, the girls dresses made. Due to other circumstances, things had to be done in advance, so they were. Now, Actually, he had already spoken to the gm about the bach party, yes, his parents are divoced and unable to drive, we can certainly ask a gm to take the tux back, and he was the one who was renting the car, ( i didn't think about that when I posted it) as a gift to his mom, the attire is picked minus the acutal colors,( waiting til the new spring line comes in then) so yes, THis is hard since most everything is done, werid yes, but like I said I was just curious how to deal with a brothers wife who is mad, and a brother who has no say in what he does, we must ask his wife. Thanks for sharing
Posted by sap82478[/QUOTE]

Well, what is more important to your FI, having your brother beside him as the BM, or having jobs done?  I would assume its having his brother as his BM.  Unless I missed it, you didn't answer why you guys can't do any of these things yourself.  But some other solutions:
-Hire a driver to take his mom home
-Have someone not in the WP check you into the hotel room.  My aunt did it for us, and we arranged it so she could be the one to do it and put our bags in the room.
-Anyone can take the GM's attire back.  H left his with another GM since we lived OOT from the wedding
-As for getting measured or ordering the attire, if he doesn't live there he can get measure anywhere and call the measurements in, and pay by credit card
-If he is renting the car I'm sure he understands that he would return it

As for his wife, there really isn't anything you can do.  My H and I discuss big decisions together before making them, so if he was asked to devote our entire weekend to doing another couple's errands he would definitely check with me first. 

Its great that you have things planned and paid for already, but I think you need to slow down on everything else.  A year and a half is a VERY long time away.  My wedding was planned within 5 months, so you have plenty of time to get things done.  Expecting any WP members to be excited about it now or agree to doing anything other than being in the WP a year and a half from now is just impossible.  I wouldn't even be able to commit to doing all those errands for you 3 months from now, let alone that far away. 

Beachy730

OP there is no point in deleting your posts since I quoted everything you said.  Funny, I had a feeling you would DD, so I'm glad I did.

sap82478

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weird-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a6c3cd7-8619-49ea-add1-69af4b461951Post:86ee6e45-c110-40c4-b2d1-42c2d300bb66">Re: Weird question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Weird question : Well, what is more important to your FI, having your brother beside him as the BM, or having jobs done?  I would assume its having his brother as his BM.  Unless I missed it, you didn't answer why you guys can't do any of these things yourself.  But some other solutions: -Hire a driver to take his mom home -Have someone not in the WP check you into the hotel room.  My aunt did it for us, and we arranged it so she could be the one to do it and put our bags in the room. -Anyone can take the GM's attire back.  H left his with another GM since we lived OOT from the wedding -As for getting measured or ordering the attire, if he doesn't live there he can get measure anywhere and call the measurements in, and pay by credit card -If he is renting the car I'm sure he understands that he would return it As for his wife, there really isn't anything you can do.  My H and I discuss big decisions together before making them, so if he was asked to devote our entire weekend to doing another couple's errands he would definitely check with me first.  Its great that you have things planned and paid for already, but I think you need to slow down on everything else.  A year and a half is a VERY long time away.  My wedding was planned within 5 months, so you have plenty of time to get things done.  Expecting any WP members to be excited about it now or agree to doing anything other than being in the WP a year and a half from now is just impossible.  I wouldn't even be able to commit to doing all those errands for you 3 months from now, let alone that far away. 
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]


The reason I  deleted the post is because I should have started with the "beginning" which is where I went wrong, They offered "the "TO DO" list as I should have mentioned, not me, and they live in town, When we first asked, they didn't live in the this state, now they do, however a little ways a way. With I am more than happy doing what I need to do, however, there are a list of reasons why not to invite his brother, his doing not MINE, That's why I wanted to know if we should regardless of how they feel, and catering to his mom, well, that's a whole another ball game, YES most think that it is way too soon to plan, but like I said certain circumstances made it hard. SO we did what we had to do. My only concern really is "if he's an A$$, and treats my FH like crap, and so does his wife, WHY should we invite him. (especially since we were not invited to theirs) But I just wanted to clarify, I am not some young bride, And  I was curious what happens when brothers don't get along, but Thanks so much for understanding...

sap82478

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weird-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a6c3cd7-8619-49ea-add1-69af4b461951Post:3e923ec9-4f0e-47dc-bb24-8f347ab06145">Re: Weird question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Weird question : Yeesh, you sound like a dream.  The best man/groomsman can offer to do these things, but none are required.  It's not impossible to manage a wedding without depending on others to do your scut.  It's your party, these details are your responsibility.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

Yes these were offered, not requested.... that's all

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weird-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a6c3cd7-8619-49ea-add1-69af4b461951Post:b6ed1457-4e12-4af2-99e9-c184d91a7e2e">Re: Weird question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Weird question<span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span"> : He <strong>was asked</strong> to take the tuxes back, return the rental car, escort his mom home, the bacholor party with his gm, sign in for the room, and a few other things,<strong> if he's not here, its kinda impossible</strong>, but I was just curious what outsiders thought  of the issue, I am leaving the final decision up to my FH.
Posted by sap82478</span>
Posted by sap82478[/QUOTE]

<div>Stop back-pedaling.  Don't kick him out unless you want things to be worse.  And think about how you'd like to be treated if a sibling was getting married and your partner had scheduling conflicts before you decide that your FBIL isn't being helpful enough.</div>

sap82478

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weird-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a6c3cd7-8619-49ea-add1-69af4b461951Post:697a76d8-8eda-4423-aa3c-d7011fa381e6">Re: Weird question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Weird question : Stop back-pedaling.  Don't kick him out unless you want things to be worse.  And think about how you'd like to be treated if a sibling was getting married and your partner had scheduling conflicts before you decide that your FBIL isn't being helpful enough.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

Thanks for finding my wording errors, thats why i stopped posting, I talk backwards and well, IT gets me in A LOT OF TROUBLE, but in genereal he offered, then his wife got mad, but It will work out, I am not worried, I just wanted a reminder that I do have pleanty of time, and the Men in the wedding are being left to my FH, he wants to pick who he thinks is special to him, not someone who he feels "MUST" be a part.. Thanks again.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weird-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a6c3cd7-8619-49ea-add1-69af4b461951Post:b6ed1457-4e12-4af2-99e9-c184d91a7e2e">Re: Weird question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Weird question : Yes these were offered, not requested.... that's all
Posted by sap82478[/QUOTE]
So, then what's the issue?
Something came up and he can no longer do all these chores he said he could because his wife won't let him. Are you now going to punish him because of his wife's choices?

I think it's good that you are leaving this up to your FH, but I'm not sure what is up to decide.

ivyrose13

Maybe I'm missing something, but what sort of situation requires a wedding to be completely planned and paid for over a year in advance? If you had the money kicking around, why didn't you just get married now? I just find this entire situation kind of odd and drama queen-ish.

Regardless, why are you stressing about tiny details associated with a wedding that isn't going to happen for another year and a half? My wedding is 9 months away, and I haven't even begun thinking about who will check us into our room and who will return FI's tux. 

sap82478

Sorry everyone, Really, I can see that I have casued quite some questions and should have really not asked the questions I have asked in the matter that I did, so for that I am sorry, and I will be quite certain to be very careful of what I do post, Sorry if anyone thinks I am a drama queen, but there were certain critereas to the wedding being planned in advance.

Take care all, Have a good day

sap82478

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weird-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a6c3cd7-8619-49ea-add1-69af4b461951Post:48fa89d2-1333-460a-8db7-34f078da8e10">Re: Weird question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Weird question : Sap, There is noting wrong with asking the question, but after people tell you flat out what the proper etiquette is and give you options on how to solve the problem without breaking those rules and you continue to try to "explain" your reasoning... well, it gets people annoyed. I wasn't here for the discussion, but I'm sure you can find a way to get the "jobs" you need done without essentially cutting your FBIL out of your life.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

I understand, I should have explained why he was no longer the BM better, It has nothing to do with "Wedding" duties, it has to do with how one is treated. and I should have explained it better..... thanks for responding

L-Bride

First of all no wedding venue/catering company will ask to be paid almost in full 13 months prior to a wedding for many obvious reasons. Nice try though.

This is all very simple. Invite them. I'm also willing to bet this will all be blown over in a year from now.