Advice on behalf of the FI

hwoychowski

So my fiance just got the lowdown on the details for his Bachelor Party. He found out that quite a few people were invited that are not invited to the wedding and he feels really awkward about it. He gave the list of people to invite to the Best Man but then I guess the BM thought there were not enough people so started inviting others too. Some he knows and some hardly acquantences. When he got the email, he felt so awkward he wanted to cancel the while thing. (The itinerary is totally not his deal either). So other then disinviting some from the bachelor party - worse ettiquette, how should he handle it? And I do not see inviting all these people plus their plus ones to the wedding an option. Not only is the wedding 3 weeks out but we have capacity issues. Thanks!

arendiva

I feel for your fiance but I agree that disinviting them would be even more rude. He should just go through with the bachelor party. The etiquette faux pas is on the shoulders of the host NOT your fiance. Any who were invited to the bachelor party surely know that the host invited them and being that the wedding is 3 weeks out they probably know they aren't invited to the wedding. If they aren't offended than they'll go to the party anyway. If they are offended they won't. Either way it's not your fiance's fault.

maggieandrey

If the wedding is only three weeks away, wouldn't the people going already know they aren't invited to the wedding? Since he's not hosting, yes it may be an etiquette faux pas, but not your or his fault. I wouldn't worry about it too much If somebody actually says something explain - you didn't do the inviting to the bachelor party, and sorry difficult cuts had to be made, etc.

Maggie0829

This is not your FI fault at all.  His BM chose to go off the list and invite more people without consulting your FI first.  Because of this you certainly do not have to add these individuals to your wedding guest list.  And like PP have said, if it is 3 weeks to the wedding I am sure your invites have already gone out so these people know that they aren't invited to the wedding so they probably don't care and just want to go out and have fun at your FI bach party.

Meegles4

These people probably know they're not invited. I'd proceed with the plans, but I think FI should at least talk to his BM. The BM was kind of rude to not at least run it by your FI to see if he could add more people (regardless of whether they were invited or not).

FWIW, there were 2 or 3 people at FI's b-party that weren't invited to the wedding. But his BM knew the situation and when those people asked if they could come (trip to Vegas), the BM explained that they were trying to limit it to wedding guests, but that they were welcome to join in on the trip if they really wanted.

hwoychowski

My FI didn't really want a Bachelor Party to start with, but when his Best Man brought it up I kinda pushed my FI into doing it saying "Go you'll have fun!" My FI hates large crowds, loud venues and downtown areas and thinks strip clubs are sad. (Wow - I am making him sounds like fun! LOL!) So when the BM asked about what to do and with whom, my FI who loves boxing, said to go watch the fight at a local bar somewhere and hang out there with a couple close friends. Anyway, his Best Man put together a trip with a big group of people to Downtown to go to clubs and stripclubs and the transportation would be on what we call in MPLS the 'Light rail' . So not his style. I am sad that he is not going to have a fun night with his friends...

StephBeanWed61502

Honestly, if my friends were that far off the mark in their planning, I would probably just decline the bparty altogether. If your FI is going to spend the whole night feeling uncomfortable, I think he's within his rights to tell the BM "thanks but no thanks."

hwoychowski

Yea, he freaked when the email went out. I told him I would talk to his friend since I think I am the only female ever to "force" a Bachelor Party on her FI! He is going to tone it down, but there is nothing that can be done now about the invite list. So he either goes with the toned down version with some close friends and some he either doesn't really know and some he doesn't like OR cancelling the whole thing. I am hoping it works out for the best. But I will emphasize based on comments here that the faux pas lies on the BM not him.

hwoychowski

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-on-behalf-of-the-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a89c8d2-972c-46a4-aa0b-068885536a75Post:215b7111-3583-4991-be2b-cbf3e351c285">Re: Advice on behalf of the FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice on behalf of the FI : I feel like a lot of times single guys like to use their engaged friends' upcoming wedding as a justification for what would otherwise be over-the-top or sleazy outing. That sounds like what happened here. I'm sorry for your FI. If I were him, I'd probably decline. 
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

OMG - SOOOO the case - LOL!

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-on-behalf-of-the-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a89c8d2-972c-46a4-aa0b-068885536a75Post:d62b77b4-0b9f-42cd-ab58-b6188edda38c">Re: Advice on behalf of the FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Yea, he freaked when the email went out. I told him I would talk to his friend since I think I am the <strong>only female ever to "force" a Bachelor Party on her FI!</strong> He is going to tone it down, but there is nothing that can be done now about the invite list. So he either goes with the toned down version with some close friends and some he either doesn't really know and some he doesn't like OR cancelling the whole thing. I am hoping it works out for the best. But I will emphasize based on comments here that the faux pas lies on the BM not him.
Posted by hwoychowski[/QUOTE]

How and why did you feel it necessary to force one on him.  Did he not want one?  Was no one stepping up to host it?  They aren't a mandatory thing to have.

And I think it is weird that you have to talk to your FI friend instead of your FI speaking for himself.

ETA:  reading fail on my part.  I didn't notice in your first post that your FI didn't want a bach party but you forced one on him.  Why did you do this?  It should be up to your FI what he wants.  Why force him into something that will most likely make him uncomfortable.  Like I said above, they aren't mandatory so why even push the issue if he didn't want one in the first place?

hwoychowski

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-on-behalf-of-the-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a89c8d2-972c-46a4-aa0b-068885536a75Post:09943661-387e-4755-8ce1-9d2a2af25973">Re: Advice on behalf of the FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice on behalf of the FI : How and why did you feel it necessary to force one on him.  Did he not want one?  <strong>Was no one stepping up to host it?</strong>  They aren't a mandatory thing to have. <strong>And I think it is weird that you have to talk to your FI friend instead of your FI speaking for himself.</strong> ETA:  reading fail on my part.  I didn't notice in your first post that your FI didn't want a bach party but you forced one on him.  Why did you do this?  It should be up to your FI what he wants.  Why force him into something that will most likely make him uncomfortable.  Like I said above, they aren't mandatory so why even push the issue if he didn't want one in the first place?
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

His best man wanted to do it for him. When my FI told me about it he had reservations about the typical 'Crazy Party'. I told him that he should feel good that his friends want to have fun with him and it didn't have to be that way and to let his friend know that....well, I guess I was wrong on that one. And as for talking to his friend that was at my FI's request as he is out of town and hardly has the time right now and wanted it taken care of right away before any permanent plans were made. (It is a mutual friend).

sarabellam

Honestly? The guys invited to the bachelor party who aren't invited to the wedding couldn't give a rat's ass about the etiquette of it. They will probably just see it as a chance to hang out with the guys and get drunk and go see some titties.

calliopeia2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-on-behalf-of-the-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a89c8d2-972c-46a4-aa0b-068885536a75Post:62a1ae93-9a47-4802-9dbd-60708a7a83f0">Re: Advice on behalf of the FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly? The guys invited to the bachelor party who aren't invited to the wedding couldn't give a rat's ass about the etiquette of it. They will probably just see it as a chance to hang out with the guys and get drunk and go see some titties.
Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]

Yes, because all men are slavering animals who care about nothing but booze and breasts and aren't capable of understanding basic social norms enough to tell that they've been snubbed.

RebeccaB88

Add me in with the group who doesn't get why you forced something on your FI that he said he really didn't want.  I mean...really?  This could have all been prevented if you hadn't made him do it in the first place.  (The BM is an ass for completely disregarding the groom's request as well.)

fargo4

I wouldn't worry about the guys being offended about not being invited to the wedding. I was really concerned about that with my FI party but my dad and his and pretty much every other male I talked to about it said that they didn't care and the rules were not so strict with guys. So I guess it just depends where you're from and your social circle. Your FI should DEFINITELY talk to the BM and just go downtown to watch the fight instead of going to clubs. It's his party it should be what HE wants.
Good Luck!

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-on-behalf-of-the-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a89c8d2-972c-46a4-aa0b-068885536a75Post:4b147854-73ac-4d62-ac3a-e52b48c9843c">Re: Advice on behalf of the FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice on behalf of the FI : Yes, because all men are slavering animals who care about nothing but booze and breasts and aren't capable of understanding basic social norms enough to tell that they've been snubbed.
Posted by calliopeia2013[/QUOTE]

I don't think that's what she meant at all. I think she was just agreeing with the PP who said that by this point, those guys know they aren't invited to the wedding, and if they're still going to the b-party, they obviously aren't offended.

I also really didn't get the vibe that the OP "forced" her FI to have a b-party. I think she cleared up his misconception that a b-party HAS to include loud music and strip clubs and advised him to tell his BM that if he were to have a b-party, he'd want it to be more low-key. I don't see how that's forcing.

ETA: I know the OP herself used the word "force" but she was clearly joking.

hwoychowski

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-on-behalf-of-the-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a89c8d2-972c-46a4-aa0b-068885536a75Post:7736d18f-efaf-41ee-9935-c5c1b08b187c">Re: Advice on behalf of the FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice on behalf of the FI : I don't think that's what she meant at all. I think she was just agreeing with the PP who said that by this point, those guys know they aren't invited to the wedding, and if they're still going to the b-party, they obviously aren't offended. I also really didn't get the vibe that the OP "forced" her FI to have a b-party. I think she cleared up his misconception that a b-party HAS to include loud music and strip clubs and advised him to tell his BM that if he were to have a b-party, he'd want it to be more low-key. I don't see how that's forcing. ETA: I<strong> know the OP herself used the word "force" but she was clearly joking.
</strong>Posted by Ali092011[/QUOTE]

Thank you for getting that this was my (failed) attempt at light humor. I did not tie him down and force strippers on him and shove shots down his throat. I more persuaded him to be open minded about what a bachelor party needs to be and to give it a try if his friends are wanting to do something for him.

And FWIW, FI spoke with BM, the BM had the best of intentions but totally missed the mark. They talked things through and completely revamped the itinerary. The guests list cant be modified, but it is what it is...as PP's said the faux pas lies on the BM not him.