Wedding Etiquette Forum

Sticky Situation with my mother SO

Growing up, I never got along with my mom's SO. So when my mom took a traveling job, and I was left to raise my younger sister (I was 20, and trying to finish college, she was 13 and acting out constantly), things became more strained. Over 5 years, he never offered a penny to help (much less any time or discipline or anything else), kicked us out of his house twice, and labeled me a "miserable failure" of a daughter when I had to drop out of college to pick up a second job to finish raising my sister. I haven't spoken to the man in years, and my mother is not married to him, but they are a couple. I absolutely do not want to see his face on our big day (and neither does my fiance), especially right up front where the immediate family sits (acknowledging him with the family that HAS supported me just chaps my...you know what).
Can I invite my mother with the explicit understanding that he is not to be there?
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Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO

  • No, you can't.  I'd like to understand why you feel your moms boyfriend was responsible for raising and supporting you, and why don't you feel like your mom was the problem?  Just curious.  


  • chelseamb11chelseamb11 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2012
    While he sounds like a massive douchecanoe, he still didn't try to kill you or cause you bodily harm, so he still needs to be invited unfortunately.

    ETA I also agree with Stack's question.  Why are you not questioning your mom in all of this?
  • Whatever. this is your day. If dont feel like looking at his face then let her know he is not invited. Now whether that means she wont come as well is something you will be taking a chance on. INow you have to make a serious choice: Is it worth not having your mother at your one big day just because of a piece of %$#*& that she's going to be with regardless anyway???
  • Have you told your mom how you feel? What does she say?
    Wedding date July 7, 2012
  • I didn't feel like he should raise me. I moved back home from a college I had a full ride to to raise my younger sister. No one else was interested. It's his daughter, technically my half sister. He refused to assist raising his own child. I do have issues with my mother. I'd like for her to be at my wedding though.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:61a49eeb-600a-401b-9eb6-b7f8cfe8a6a6">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]I didn't feel like he should raise me. I moved back home from a college I had a full ride to to raise my younger sister. No one else was interested. It's his daughter, technically my half sister. He refused to assist raising his own child. I do have issues with my mother. I'd like for her to be at my wedding though.
    Posted by algray05[/QUOTE]

    <div>ooohhhh, ok, yes this makes more sense!  I would talk to your mom.  I highly doubt she'd be ok with her SO and father of your sister not being invited to the wedding.  Sorry.  </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:15489d6e-7613-4eae-88ba-7929ed35d0c5">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]Whatever. this is your day. If dont feel like looking at his face then let her know he is not invited. Now whether that means she wont come as well is something you will be taking a chance on. INow you have to make a serious choice: Is it worth not having your mother at your one big day just because of a piece of %$#*& that she's going to be with regardless anyway???
    Posted by niobesmum[/QUOTE]

    Well, there's some craptastic advice right there.

    How would you feel if someone told you that you were invited to her wedding, but not your FI, because she "didn't feel like looking as his face"?
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  • You should invite him, even though he may not win man of the year he is still your mom's SO and should be invited.
    image
  • hey...I just call as i see it. there will be plenty of reasons for you dislike, hate, cant stand or flat out have murderous feeling for people in life. Dont mess your wedding by not having your mom there because you dont want her questionable choice of a man there. you will be looking at your fiance anyway....
  • If you're enough of a big girl to get married - you're enough of a big girl to suck it up and have your mom's boyfriend at your wedding. Even if he's a piece of shiit - you should be the bigger person and be a grown up about the situation. 

    I'm sure it's not fun to hear, but it's the right thing to do.
  • Stackeye210Stackeye210 member
    5000 Comments
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:7edac4a1-d040-4436-b02e-7f1cc2927267">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]hey...I just call as i see it. there will be plenty of reasons for you dislike, hate, cant stand or flat out have murderous feeling for people in life. Dont mess your wedding by not having your mom there because you dont want her questionable choice of a man there. you will be looking at your fiance anyway....
    Posted by niobesmum[/QUOTE]

    <div>Way to totally contradict what you JUST said in the post above.</div><div>
    </div><div>Your ticker is the most obnoxious one yet, you win the internet twice today for posting FAILS.  Be proud of yourself.  </div>
  • actually its a great peice of advice...you probably just didnt read it right. in essence she should get over the fact of how she feels about the SO and INVITE THEM BOTH because her MOM is going to be with HIM anyway and she cant change it!!!

    Thats life! the best thing she can do is focus on how great her life with her husband is going to be.
  • So say that and leave out all the dumb a$$, "it's your day" nonsense.  
  • whats wrong with my ticker???? i see nothing wrong with it??? until I marry my favorite Guy??? whats wrong with that? Tell me so i can see what you see....seriously
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:6183198f-756b-4dc8-b75e-51a61bd362f8">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]whats wrong with my ticker???? i see nothing wrong with it??? until I marry my favorite Guy??? whats wrong with that? Tell me so i can see what you see....seriously
    Posted by niobesmum[/QUOTE]

    <div>I can't reason with someone that thinks 3 question marks are necessary after each sentence.  It's not worth my time.  </div>
  • Unfortunately, yes, you do need to invite him.  He and your mom are clearly a couple, and you cannot split up social units.  It would be incredibly rude not to invite him, and I can't imagine that your mom would be okay with him not being invited since it sounds like they have been dating for years.
  • Your ticker moves every second. It's kind of obnoxious - but I feel that way about every moving signature - not just yours. 
  • oh...so its not her day??? my bad...I thought it was her and her fiance's wedding...my mistake......She only planned and paid for it...my mistake...
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:ec557472-8de9-4c58-a490-7a1613c5366b">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]Unfortunately, yes, you do need to invite him.  He and your mom are clearly a couple, and you cannot split up social units.  It would be incredibly rude not to invite him, and I can't imagine that your mom would be okay with him not being invited since it sounds like they have been dating for years.
    Posted by rebarobert2012[/QUOTE]
    You're sane  - keep it up <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
  • Well guys, at least she spelled marry right.  Score one for the newb.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:12b30da8-faae-4d27-8869-b7860113cbec">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]oh...so its not her day??? my bad...I thought it was her and her fiance's wedding...my mistake......She only planned and paid for it...my mistake...
    Posted by niobesmum[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>OH and now the ellipses.  Awesome.  </div>
  • LDYGTR13LDYGTR13 member
    2500 Comments
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:12b30da8-faae-4d27-8869-b7860113cbec">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>oh...so its not her day???</strong> my bad...I thought it was her and her fiance's wedding...my mistake......She only planned and paid for it...my mistake...
    Posted by niobesmum[/QUOTE]
    When people say "It's your day! do what you want!" they're forgetting that there are often one hundred some odd guests who are ALSO important on "THE SPECIAL DAY!" Part of being a good hostess - which is what the people who are hosting, which, you say, in this case, is the couple - is keeping everyone comfortable, which includes inviting significant others. <div>
    </div><div>If someone LOVED Rattle Snakes and wanted to release a bag of rattlesnakes at their wedding, would you still say "GO FOR IT! IT"S YOUR DAY!"?</div>
  • Getting married and paying for your own wedding doesn't give you carte blanche to be a massive douche to family and friends.
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  • oh sorry....didnt know it was distracting...i can take it down. not a big deal. Couldnt find the ones I think are cute that dont move at all.

    And you dont have to reason with me. All you had to do is say what you thought was wrong with it. Im not offended by that. and the questions marks....was just shock...didnt know anyone took offense to it.

    Taking it down now.
  • you girls....are all...bitches...its....her...day.........right????
  • It's your ticker, your signature, do what you want, right?  That's the motto, right?

    Just sayin.
  • That ticker is obnoxious. It reminds me of one of those blinged out pictures only not funny. OP, you have to invite him. H hates his stepmom but invited her anyway. He acted like an adult which is what you should. Him being there won't ruin your wedding. I promise.
    image
  • When ending a sentence, you really only need one of these --> .

    You really don't need three.
    imagemy to-read shelf:
    Steph's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (to-read shelf)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:f24b48b1-b811-458b-a280-a9f115f10748">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]Have you told your mom how you feel? What does she say?
    Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

    She is one of those women that always chooses a man over her kids. Its a personal flaw she has had for as long as I can remember. She refuses to see him in a bad light. She wants me to allow him at the hospital when my future kids are born (ain't happening), and has gone so far as to say that if she can't babysit my future kids at the house where I was kicked out of twice (where he currently lives), she doesn't want to be part of their life. We are currently teetering on a very very thin line, and I am hoping she can see that she can be a part of my life and my kids lives without forcing me to bend to her will.
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