Not using gifts before wedding?

flojo973

Hi Ladies, 

I went to a party recently that an engaged couple threw.  They're not getting married until April but the girl has already had her bridal shower.  She partially threw this party so that she could use her new gifts from the bridal shower (dishes, crockpot, serveware, etc.).  I always thought you weren't supposed to use the gifts you receive at your shower until after the wedding "just in case" something happened and they had to be returned.  I'm curious as to the etiquette on this because my wedding is in April also and I'd love to start using my KitchenAid that we received the other day!

AddieCake

No, you shouldn't use gifts before the wedding.

emilykathleen511

You can use them, as long as you're willing to replace all the items if the wedding didn't happen for some reason.

ETA: I wouldn't recommend it. Just wait until after the wedding.

CLI242009

Yeah no, not suppose to use the gifts. I mean the gifts like the toasting flutes, the guestbook and sometimes the bride will get her garter at her shower, than yeah go and use those.

The gifts though that are meant for you guys for your new home and for the couple, shouldn't be opened till after the wedding. Like stated above the whole "just in case" and also I believe it's a superstition, if you care for that. You know don't see the bride in her dress, don't start picking out names or color for the room till after the 1st trimester of a pregnancy, that kind of thing.

I'm that way so yeah I won't be opening my gifts lol

lyndausvi

We received some pots and pans for our wedding 9 months out.   2 months after we received them the couple came over to our house and was "upset" we weren't using them yet.  I explained that you should not use stuff until the wedding.  They said that is silly and ridiculous.  If they expected us to wait they would have just sent them closer to the wedding.

After that we just used everything.  Honestly, we did not have the room in our small apartment to store all the stuff anyway.    We were prepared to pay back any gift received if we didn't get married.

I get the tradition, at the same time I really don't care if people use them before the wedding.    When I send a gift I don't expect it back for any reason.      

Wheels987

You're technically not supposed to use things beforehand and here's why...

I know a girl who called off her wedding 2 months before the date. After her bridal shower. She didn't send anything back. I didn't really expect to get my gift back, but I also did not attend the shower she had 2 years later when she married a different guy.

emeejeeayen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-using-gifts-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9bb59bc7-d07d-454c-9148-1db7e942029fPost:de4bd062-9379-4c86-817d-5b9c18979249">Re: Not using gifts before wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]You're technically not supposed to use things beforehand and here's why... I know a girl who called off her wedding 2 months before the date. After her bridal shower. She didn't send anything back. I didn't really expect to get my gift back, but I also did not attend the shower she had 2 years later when she married a different guy.
Posted by Wheels987[/QUOTE]

<div>I get what you're saying, but you're sort of implying that people who divorce should also give their wedding gifts back, especially if they expect to remarry and have any pre-wedding events. </div>

AJuliaNJ

I didn't even know this was a rule so thanks! To be honest, if there was just one thing I wanted to use, I would just use it. I'm not going to go out and buy a new blender if mine breaks and I have one sitting in my house. I would just be prepared to buy a new one if there was a situation where the wedding didn't happen as planned. 

AJuliaNJ

Etiquette and all, I think it is crappy that society expects a bride and groom to send back the gifts if they don't end up getting married. Why should we expect someone who is already under such emotional and financial burdens to worry about sending back the toaster we gave them? Also, what if it ended terribly (as most breakups do), and the person who stays in the house doesn't return them, but the person who moved out wants to? It's not like you can get your ex to do something they don't want to do. Gifts shouldn't be conditional. I can't think of any other instance where you'd have to return gifts. Ladies, please don't hold it against someone if they don't return your gifts. Your friend or family member needs your support not your judgment during this difficult time. 

I don't think I'd even be able to get out of bed in the morning for weeks or months if our wedding was called off. I don't know how I'd send the gifts back. Each gift I packaged up to be returned would feel like a stab in the heart. I really feel like this task would be unsurmountable. 

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-using-gifts-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9bb59bc7-d07d-454c-9148-1db7e942029fPost:b2c4f466-ed8c-47ce-996c-046ed52d74a4">Re: Not using gifts before wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Etiquette and all, I think it is crappy that society expects a bride and groom to send back the gifts if they don't end up getting married. Why should we expect someone who is already under such emotional and financial burdens to worry about sending back the toaster we gave them? Also, what if it ended terribly (as most breakups do), and the person who stays in the house doesn't return them, but the person who moved out wants to? It's not like you can get your ex to do something they don't want to do. Gifts shouldn't be conditional. I can't think of any other instance where you'd have to return gifts. Ladies, please don't hold it against someone if they don't return your gifts. Your friend or family member needs your support not your judgment during this difficult time. 
Posted by AndreaJulia[/QUOTE]

Breaking up isn't the only situation where a wedding wouldn't happen. Sometimes the couple unexpectedly elopes, or they decide to postpone the wedding for some reason, or hey, the venue could burn down! You never know. And yes, you should return the gifts in these instances, especially if you have already invited someone to a wedding and then later have to cancel. Even in the case of a break-up, you should return the gifts, because the gifts were meant to be a wedding present. I personally wouldn't hold it against someone if they didn't return my gift, but the gift was still given because of the upcoming nuptials.

AJuliaNJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-using-gifts-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9bb59bc7-d07d-454c-9148-1db7e942029fPost:876765e6-381a-46b8-8f24-b3c7035d2d1c">Re: Not using gifts before wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not using gifts before wedding? : Breaking up isn't the only situation where a wedding wouldn't happen. Sometimes the couple unexpectedly elopes, or they decide to postpone the wedding for some reason, or hey, the venue could burn down! You never know. And yes, you should return the gifts in these instances, especially if you have already invited someone to a wedding and then later have to cancel. Even in the case of a break-up, you should return the gifts, because the gifts were meant to be a wedding present. I personally wouldn't hold it against someone if they didn't return my gift, but the gift was still given because of the upcoming nuptials.
Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]

<div>I honestly would not expect my gift back in any of these situations, but I do respect with what you're saying and understand that it is what etiquette dictates (and that we are on an etiquette board). I am not arguing about what is and isn't right; I guess I'm just saying, "but it's not faiiiir!" :-)</div><div>
</div><div>Since a bridal shower, from what I've seen, happens within a couple months of the wedding, and at that point so many deposits have been paid, I can't imagine many instances where a decision to cancel a wedding that late in the game would be a happy one.

If I was in this situation, I'd try my best to do what was right and return the gifts, and would hope that my family and friends would be understanding. I don't think I could maintain a relationship with someone if I heard they were trashing me behind my back about not sending a shower gift back.
</div>

Wheels987

Ok ok... I should have probably given more details.

Break up was due to the bride cheating on her fiance. If it was due to honorable circumstances, I don't think I'd bat an eye at it, but I was not too thrilled to travel for the shower (6 hours, my choice), buy a gift, help host the shower, and then have the wedding called off a month later with no mention of the time & money invested in pre-wedding activities.

If she had ever mentioned giving back my gift, I would have refused, but just the point that it was never even addressed was a little annoying.

lyndausvi

One saturday I got a call from my aunt saying my cousin was getting married the following weekend.   Simple JOP ceremony at her house.   They had only known each other a short time.   NBD.  The next weekend I went to my aunt's house.  Had a great time, nice food, open bar, simple and sweat.      

Fortunately for me I forgot to bring the card at my house and had not gotten around to mailing it yet.  They got separated 2 weeks later.    My parents were pissed though.  They were living in Japan and by the time their check arrived they had already split.  She went ahead and cashed the check.  My cousin was the husband and we are not sure he even got any of the money.

Random story. 

Wheels987

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-using-gifts-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9bb59bc7-d07d-454c-9148-1db7e942029fPost:da27c7ea-235e-4813-9fba-a67f353ddd31">Re: Not using gifts before wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]One saturday I got a call from my aunt saying my cousin was getting married the following weekend.   Simple JOP ceremony at her house.   They had only known each other a short time.   NBD.  The next weekend I went to my aunt's house.  Had a great time, nice food, open bar, simple and sweat.       Fortunately for me I forgot to bring the card at my house and had not gotten around to mailing it yet.  They got separated 2 weeks later.    My parents were pissed though.  They were living in Japan and by the time their check arrived they had already split.  She went ahead and cashed the check.  My cousin was the husband and we are not sure he even got any of the money. Random story. 
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

Woah. Sounds like a version of the Kardashian/Humphries wedding.

flojo973

Thanks. I'll be waiting to use my stuff, I just thought it was weird that she was basically calling attention to the fact that she was using her shower gifts before the wedding!

bridalmarch

We didn't/haven't used anything, but honestly our main reason for that is we're moving two weeks after the wedding and it just didn't make sense to get out everything now. It'll be so muc easier to just trash the crap stuff we have now and move the new stuff in boxes. Otherwise, we might have busted out the awesome blender we got...it's national margarita day, you know. 

Ella and Pedro

Something to think about:

Statistics say that about 50% of marriages end in divorce.  While I think the behavior of the cousin and his fiance sounds...immature...at best (referring to the above post about the check being cashed after the two-week marriage), isn't it basically the same thing as them having been married two months...two years....two decades?  What I mean is, in any of these cases, a couple gets gifts and then the relationship is terminated.  When a person gives a gift do they honestly think it has an expiration date? If someone gives a couple a gift on their wedding day, it is a sort of leap of faith and acknowledgement of HOPE and LOVE on that date that they wish to extend into the FUTURE of the relationship.  As nobody has a reliable crystal ball, who is to know which couple will stay together and which will break up - if you really want to be totally mercenary about it - since (again) half the people who get married break up - maybe we should expect half the relatives or friends to get their gifts back, or maybe gift givers should only give gifts half the time, or maybe gift givers should only give half as  much as they would otherwise ....or whatever other rediculious premise you wish to speculate upon.

A gift is a gift.  There is nothing for it when things go wrong.  It is not given conditionally.  ETIQUETTE is what says that the recepient should return if the gift was given for something that did not happen but if it DID happen, then the gift was legitimately given and legitimately received.  And no, I do not think that woman should have cashed the check, but then again I don't know the details. Maybe she did because if she had not, she would have not have any money for an apartment and he (the cousin) threw her out - and maybe he was doing this because she complained when she found out he had a gambling addiction and two girlfriends on the side.  We don't know the details, do we? 

Having said all of this, if people gave my fiance and I things we have on our registry that we planned to use for our wedding (i.e. guest book picture frame and candles)...we would use them.  Of course, we're not fly-by-night barely met, might break up in two weeks sorts of folks.

rachelm13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-using-gifts-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9bb59bc7-d07d-454c-9148-1db7e942029fPost:0cfc03d5-649f-47e0-bfe0-931f0fedd435">Re: Not using gifts before wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't/haven't used anything, but honestly our main reason for that is we're moving two weeks after the wedding and it just didn't make sense to get out everything now. It'll be so muc easier to just trash the crap stuff we have now and move the new stuff in boxes. Otherwise, we might have busted out the awesome blender we got...it's national margarita day, you know. 
Posted by bridalmarch[/QUOTE]

<div>ditto!  we are moving in together (finally) a couple of weeks after we get back from the honeymoon.  we put all of the engagement gifts and the shower gifts we have gotten so far (shower is next week) into storage.  i really want to use my new pots and pans.  le sigh.</div>

lauraanne9

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-using-gifts-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9bb59bc7-d07d-454c-9148-1db7e942029fPost:fdf9f8a1-64e1-4114-aaf5-8804ad0d5031">Re: Not using gifts before wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not using gifts before wedding? : I get what you're saying, but you're sort of implying that people who divorce should also give their wedding gifts back, especially if they expect to remarry and have any pre-wedding events. 
Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]

<div>No.  Pretty much the minute you are married you can use the gifts.  If it is an amazingly short marriage, there is the tradition that you should possibly consider returning them, but the rule is that when you get married you can use the gifts.</div>

nycrose2013

i received my kitchenaid mixer and a le creuset french oven at our engagement party. I wasn't going to use them, but the giver of the mixer insisted, saying that since our wedding was over a year away the warrantee might expire before we even knew if the machine was operating properly. After that, I just used what I wanted to because if, god forbid, something were to happen, we would just deal with it then. I also figured that as engagement presents, they were celebrating the fact that we got engaged. Therefore, during the engagement I was free to use those gifts.

As for wedding and shower presents, they are intended to celebrate the impending marriage and to help set up a new home. If I was moving in with my FI before the wedding and had received, for example, flatware, I wouldn't leave it in a box and use old stuff until the day of the wedding. Seems like kind of a silly tradition. Of course, if some crazy bride has an inkling her wedding might not happen, then she shouldn't use them.

Also, how would anyone even know if you use the stuff early? I wouldn't let some busybody tell me how to use my towels in a normal situation, so I wouldn't let someone else's superstition dictate my use of wedding presents either.