Rehearsal Dinner Dilemma

obxbride17

We are planning a destination wedding at a beach in our home state (therefore, ALL wedding guests would be "out of town" guests). My FI's father is paying for the rehearsal dinner and the place where we are having it can only accommodate up to 50 people. My FI and I both come from large extended families so I thought we would only invite wedding party, their significant others, and immediate family (parents, sibllings, grandparents) to the dinner. Well....my FI's father wants to invite ALL of their extended family from NY to the rehearsal dinner (aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, etc). They are Italian and I understand that this is the expected tradition/etiquette. However, I don't know what to do because my mother is 1 of 7 children and my dad is 1 of 3 children...I'm not going to do the math, but that is a LOT of aunts, uncles, and cousins on my side. I obviously can't invite them all, but I also can't invite some and not others. Since his dad is paying for the dinner, I understand that he should be able to invite anyone he wants, but I don't think it's fair that my FI's entire extended family is invited, but I basically only get to invite my immediate family. I'm just afraid that my family is going to feel slighted when they realize what is going on.

Am I being overly sensitive or do you guys think this is ok? Any suggestions on how to handle the issue?

Thanks! 

balasj

I can understand your frustration and I would agree that invitations on both sides should be more even.  I would consult FI about it first and see if he can address the issue with his parents.  What about selecting a different location that can accommodate a few more people - is that possible?  I'm sure it may not be your first choice but you all may have to decide if the place you have decided on with an intimate group of guests is more or less important than just having everyone come.

rknox88

I think you and FI should talk to your future FIL and explain that it would cause a sticky situation to invite aunts and uncles on FIs side but not yours. Explain you understand it is tradition but that the venue won't accommodate guests besides wedding party and immediate family.  If you FFIL causes a fuss resort to paying for the RD yourself.  It think it would be extremely rude for some aunts and uncles on one side to be invited but not on the other side.

You could always look into finding a new RD venue that would accommodate everyone too.

Also, i was under the impression that DW are usually pretty small and intimate-if you invite all your extended family won't you pretty much be inviting just about everyone that will be at the wedding?

stephdonjon

Wow... Well, you're definitely not at fault for thinking this is unfair. Iniviting every 2nd cousin and just leaving out a significant portion of your family? But it is tricky because FIL is paying for everything and this is, like you said, sort of what's expected by a lot of traditional Italian families.

Like pp said, I think the only thing you can do is talk with your FIL. Make sure your FI is there to help smooth things over and back you up. Let him know you don't feel right about excluding so many of your familiy members like that, and ask if there's a way to either even out the invite list, or switch to a larger restaurant to accomodate everyone.

Personally I've always been in favor in smaller RDs, with just the immediate families, officiant, and wedding party. But I know some people like including OOT guests.

mel3119

Tough one!  Rehearsal dinners are usually smaller and more intimate (also a time to relax before the big day) with just the immediate family, and bridal party.  Some suggest that if there is a small number of people from out of town, it's a nice gesture to invite them, but not necessary.  In this case, it's huge and it also has the possibility of starting your "family gatherings" out on the wrong foot by inviting some and not all.  I attended a wedding where that happened over 10 years ago, and it's still not forgotten!  Another suggestion could also be a "day after" breakfast...