Help! Church Family Not Invited!

ashhernandez

Good morning! We are less than 200 days away from the wedding and still having issues with our guest list.  We pretty much have it down as to who is invited and who isn't.  Our guest list is sitting at about 200 people and there is NO room to add anyone else to it!  We have had to make cuts in our family and close circles of friends (unfortunately), and we have also had to make HUGE cuts with our church family. 

My fiance and I attend a small church (~150 members), so it's like we are our own little family.  Unfortunately because of our budget and large families, we just don't have any more room to invite people from church.  In the past few weeks, I have heard a few people say, "We can't wait for your wedding!"--But, they aren't invited. =\

I have declined a couple's shower that our Pastor's wife was offering to host because I know it wouldn't be appropriate to accept it knowing that most people are not involved. So how do I tactfully handle it when people are exclaiming their excitement over our pending nuptials, but they're not invited?!

My grandmother suggested a Newlywed Shower to be held after the wedding so they can see pictures and be apart of it in some way.  Is this acceptable?

Bahhh! I wish we could invite everyone we wanted to!!!

Thanks ladies!

pegasuskat

It is not bad etiquette to have a church shower if they aren't all invited, that and work showers are both ok.  If the wedding is at your church you will have a bigger problem, because if your church is like mine they consider events public and would come to the ceremony anyway.

LesPaul

I'm assuming your ceremony will he held in your home church.  Is it the type of congregation where people attend the ceremony but not the reception?  My old church was like that - I attended a few weddings as a member of the congregation but no reception or shower.

RupertPenny

Please do NOT have a "newlyweds shower." That is a terribe idea. 

midgetthemighty

We're only 32 days out and we still experience issues with the same thing you are. Just be prepared that it's not going to go away and you're going to hurt some people's feelings in the process. Try brushing inquires off with "Due to the size of our families, we were not able to invite everyone we wanted. How's Johnny?" or right now you can get away with "We haven't finalized the guest list yet."

FWIW - Church showers are considered outside of the "you must be invited to the wedding to be a guest" rule.

You can't really stop anyone from showing up to the ceremony but that doesn't mean you need to invite them all to the reception. This next part probably goes against etiquette, but we're actually making a small announcement blurb in our church bulletin indicating that our wedding is by invitation only and we wish we could have invited everyone but it's just not possible with the size of our familes and the size of the church.

ashhernandez

Our wedding is about 45 minutes away from our church. We are having the ceremony and reception at an event facility, not the church. The most recent weddings in our congregation have been "open invitation" to the congregation. Our wedding is the first in a long time that is doing invitation-only.

kfras

I would assume the same as PPs, members of your church may attend the ceremony and not the reception. Who knows, maybe when they are saying "I can't wait until your wedding day!" They are referring to the ceremony itself. I still am unsure of how to field wedding related questions or comments from aquaintances who are not invited Sorry, no help there. I never know what to say! I usually end up nodding and smiling... like yeah I can't wait either lol.

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-church-family-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9c4c1d49-86fc-4585-b24e-6ba27427e787Post:7df17a86-17fd-4cd0-a86f-7590bd9696f4">Re: Help! Church Family Not Invited!</a>:
[QUOTE]Our wedding is about 45 minutes away from our church. We are having the ceremony and reception at an event facility, not the church. The most recent weddings in our congregation have been "open invitation" to the congregation. Our wedding is the first in a long time that is doing invitation-only.
Posted by ashhernandez[/QUOTE]

Lucky you! Don't tell <strong><u>anyone</u></strong> who asks where it is and you won't have to worry about them showing up. Hopefully the people you did invite from the church will respect you enough not to blab it to the entire congregation.

Starqueg

Can you do something the weekend before your wedding at your church?  A blessing on your upcoming union or something to that effect that the entire congregation can attend.  

There's a Jewish tradition that a couple, on the Saturday (usually) before their wedding gets called up to the bima (sort of like the altar at a church) and is basically blessed by the Rabbi.  The congregation sings to them and it's a public celebration.  At our synagogue, we're also sponsoring a buffet meal afterwareds (there's one every week).  

It's a way to have the whole congregation involved and present, without having to invite them all to the wedding.

Lambbop

We have a simliar situation. We just started letting people know right away that we have big families and a small venue and it seemed like people (especially the people we would have liked to invite from our church) were very understanding. I don't know if that's rude or not, but it was just being honest.

We also have people letting us know they are excited and we just have to smile and say "thank you, we are excited too."

But I agree with PPs--it is a little rude to have a shower with people who are not invited to the wedding. You will see these people again and at that point if they want to look at pictures, ask about the day, or send you a card or a gift they will do it anyway, regardless of a formal shower.

MJandDL

I agree with PPs that church bridal showers are an exception. I've been to many for ladies in my church when I wasn't invited to the wedding. It is super awkward though when people you know aren't invited start asking questions about the wedding! I still haven't figured that one out yet.

brenda2011Wed139476

In my church, ALL members of the congregation are welcome to come, since it is a service.  However, they don't come to the reception if they don't receive an invite.  Maybe these people just want to see you married, and don't care so much about the reception.