was i wrong to say no??

36798099

just received a phone call. the daughter of a couple we thought of as friends is getting married tomorrow, our kids are all friends also. none of us were invited to the wedding or most of the parties involved. i was asked if i would do the flowers for one of the bridal showers, for free, and declined. my daughters received a last minute invite to the bachelorette party, one declined one decided to go. the purpose of the phone call was to ask if i would do the hair and makeup of the bride and bridal party as the person they had hired just backed out. no offer of paying for my time, ect. the brides mother sells mary-kay, i told her i was sure her mother could handle it and wished them the best but that i had plans. honestly i am fuming. i mean really?? hi, please get up at 5am, drive an hour to a ceremony you aren't invited to attend do the hair/makeup for 7 girls....oh and you aren't invited to eat either but could you then do 'touch-ups' after for pictures...didn't even have the basic courtesy to offer to pay for gas to get there...

Sharpschruter22

I would be livid and would have said no also. That's utterly ridiculous. You are perfectly within your right to fume. I will fume with you.

36798099

honestly i'm sitting here feeling a bit guilty and asked the hubster if i should call back and offer to do the bride at least. i don't want to but i've seen the mothers work and a zoo monkey could do a better job. i know they had to figure 'oh miss 'x' is nice, she will do it if we ask'. going to go to bed and try to fend off the guilts... as both my girls pointed out it isn't my fault.

TheVirginians

Good job. Just say no.

Sharpschruter22

Don't you dare feel guilty. They have some gall to call you up and ask in the first place. Think happy thoughts and forget about it.

Peledreamsofrain

I'm with your girls on this one, stand your ground.  Nobody has any place being so incredibly rude to you.  Rewarding them with free service isn't doing anyone any favors, especially not you.

And frankly, the bride probably knows her mother is terrible at makeup and will hire a professional. 

hoffse

The other thing?  She could always just do it herself.  I'm pretty sure she likely wears makeup nearly every single day if her mom sells Mary Kay, so it's not like she's never picked up a makeup brush before.  Yes it's fun being primped for the wedding, but really?  If things fall through she should just apply her own damn foundation instead of asking somebody to drive an hours each direction to do it for her for free.  I don't know about other ladies on here but 90% of the time I get made up by somebody else I think it looks strange because it's not how I would have done it. 

lyndausvi

I'm going to go against the grain here.  I don't think it was completely rude for the mom to ask you do to the hair.  

The other hairdresser backup out of the last minute.  I would have been completely utterly stressed if that happend to me.  I would have called everyone and anyone I could in order to get the hair done.  When I'm in a bind I lean on my friends and family.  They lean on me when they are in a bind.  

As far as not being invited to events.  Fact is you can't invited everyone to a wedding.  I know its hurts,  but all couples have to make hard choices when it comes to the guest list.   It sucks, but 90% of us have/had to make cuts to our friends or family.     Please don't take offense and be bitter over not being invited.  

All that said, you are 100% in the right decline.  Just because they asked, doesn't mean you have to say yes.  

 And I agree they should have offered to pay, I know I would have.

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_was-i-wrong-to-say-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ceed478-d850-48fe-acb4-ca805bdf602aPost:c8d4fec3-231b-4bce-a9ce-30f6f382ef50">Re: was i wrong to say no??</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to go against the grain here.  I don't think it was completely rude for the mom to ask you do to the hair.   The other hairdresser backup out of the last minute.  I would have been completely utterly stressed if that happend to me.  I would have called everyone and anyone I could in order to get the hair done. <strong> When I'm in a bind I lean on my friends and family.</strong>  They lean on me when they are in a bind.   As far as not being invited to events. <strong> Fact is you can't invited everyone to a wedding. </strong> I know its hurts,  but all couples have to make hard choices when it comes to the guest list.   It sucks, but 90% of us have/had to make cuts to our friends or family.     Please don't take offense and be bitter over not being invited.   All that said, you are 100% in the right decline.  Just because they asked, doesn't mean you have to say yes.    And I agree they should have offered to pay, I know I would have.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>So basically the message the Bride's family is sending OP is that they AREN'T close enough to be invited to the wedding, but they ARE close enough to ask a really really huge favor in a time of need.</div><div>
</div><div>No thank you.  

</div>

jessicabessica

I somewhat agree with Lynda on this one.  While they should have offered to pay for your services (both the hair and the flowers for the shower), I don't think they are unreasonable requests, and I don't think it's unreasonable for you to say no.  They can't invite everyone to the wedding, so sorry you feel left out, but unless they invited the entire town except for you, don't take it personally.  Also, it's rude to invite people to showers and other pre-wedding parties if they're not invited to the wedding, so it would have been worse to invite you to those parties but not the wedding.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_was-i-wrong-to-say-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ceed478-d850-48fe-acb4-ca805bdf602aPost:10321687-0d34-475e-8542-2d931e642547">Re: was i wrong to say no??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: was i wrong to say no?? : So basically the message the Bride's family is sending OP is that they AREN'T close enough to be invited to the wedding, but they ARE close enough to ask a really really huge favor in a time of need. No thank you.  
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>Maybe I'm just more chill in things like this. I'm sure finding a professional hairdresser on a nights notice is next to impossible.  The next logical step is to ask people you know who have the skills to help you out. </div><div>
</div><div> I also don't think the closeness of the relationship matters.  I've asked not-very-close friends for help for something, not-very close friends have asked me for help.   Sometimes we can help, other times we can't.    If I have the time and skills to be useful I tend to help.</div><div>
</div><div> DH and I are the ones who lend our truck to friends of friends to help move.  So maybe we are the weird ones?</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>**** AGAIN I don't think the OP was wrong in declining the invite.  I just personally would not decline  solely because I was not invited to a party.  I feel like that is the main reason why the OP declined.  </div>

Avion22

lyndausvi, it would have been one thing if they called and asked last minute but offered to pay for professional services.  They did not.  They were asking for a favor.   That's different.

Ali092011

I'm on both sides of the fence. I know if I were in that position, I would have declined. It sounds like a lot of work to do for free. However, I don't think I would be "livid," and I wouldn't have declined solely because I wasn't invited to the wedding.

Jen4948

Not at all!!! I would have said no too to being asked to provide free services for a "friend" whose wedding I wasn't invited to.

lauralaur

Hair and makeup for 7 girls plus touch ups later on for pictures is one hell of a long day, I would have said no too. I would be hurt that I was not invited to the wedding, but the big thing I think here is that they have asked for such a long day with no offer to pay and have requested free services of you once before as well. Were I the bride in this situation I could do my own makeup and so could my bridesmaids, but I would be freaking out about the hair, but never would I think it OK to call one single person and ask such a huge amount from them much less without offering compensation. At the very least they could ask another person as well and feel out who can do their own hair and makeup to cut down on the number of people receiving these services and then skip the touch ups later on so it would be less of a burden to whoever does end up helping them out.

JenGin74

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_was-i-wrong-to-say-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ceed478-d850-48fe-acb4-ca805bdf602aPost:de295537-dd52-47d9-8bfe-27b76f3cf058">was i wrong to say no??</a>:
[QUOTE]just received a phone call. the daughter of a couple we thought of as friends is getting married tomorrow, our kids are all friends also.<strong> none of us were invited to the wedding <font color="#FF0000">or most of the parties</font> involved.</strong> i was asked if i would do the flowers for one of the bridal showers, for free, and declined. <strong>my daughters received a last minute invite to the bachelorette party</strong>, one declined one decided to go. the purpose of the phone call was to ask if i would do the hair and makeup of the bride and bridal party as the person they had hired just backed out. no offer of paying for my time, ect. the brides mother sells mary-kay, i told her i was sure her mother could handle it and wished them the best but that i had plans. honestly i am fuming. i mean really?? hi, please get up at 5am, drive an hour to a ceremony you aren't invited to attend do the hair/makeup for 7 girls....oh and you aren't invited to eat either but could you then do 'touch-ups' after for pictures...didn't even have the basic courtesy to offer to pay for gas to get there...
Posted by lisareinbold[/QUOTE]

So you were invited to some parties and your daughter was a last minute add-on for the bachelorette, but they had no intention of inviting anyone from your family to the wedding? Am I reading that correctly?

Those people have some huge (rude) balls. I would have declined to do the hair and makeup as well.

HandBanana

It always rubs me the wrong way if someone asks for something for free. Especially a service or something as expensive as flowers.

Loopyseven

I think they should have offered to pay you up front, but I don't think they were rude to ask in general.  You are well within your rights to decline.  I would have declined based on not being offered any compensation for my time, not because I wasn't invited to the wedding though.

zantster

I think you handled it perfectly by declining but staying classy even though you may have felt a bit hurt.  From time to time I have misjudged the level of closeness between myself and other "friends."  There's nothing wrong with reassessing how obligated you should feel once someone shows you where you fit with them in terms of priority.  You didn't tell them off.  You just accepted that they placed you a lot farther down their totem pole than previously assumed and adjusted where they fit with you.  And that was made super obvious when they never attempted to make sure you weren't inconvenienced. 

36798099

yes, we (my older daughters and i ) were invited to the local bridal shower but not the one in his hometown. my elder daughter even went with the bride and the MOH to look at dresses. the entire thing was just odd. i do understand about not being able to invite everyone to the wedding you would like to, we are in the same position for DD2's wedding. i have to admit if it was just the bride i would have done it if they came to my house, but the travel and the number of girls...add to the fact it would be just me and i'm not sure i could have had them all done in time as i have no idea what kind of style she wanted for herself or the other girls.*** interesting note to add to this. it would appear the reason for the original stylist to back out was the brides mother, who is famous about town for her 'bargain' hunting kept nit-picking and bargaining with the price that the lady gave her back the deposit and told her to go away. they ended up at a hair salon a town over where, after getting their hair done the brides mother got into a screaming battle with the owner over 'her outrageous prices'....

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_was-i-wrong-to-say-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ceed478-d850-48fe-acb4-ca805bdf602aPost:175e9925-ad6a-4407-b2ad-df79e8bf7c4a">Re: was i wrong to say no??</a>:
[QUOTE]yes, we (my older daughters and i ) were invited to the local bridal shower but not the one in his hometown. my elder daughter even went with the bride and the MOH to look at dresses. the entire thing was just odd. i do understand about not being able to invite everyone to the wedding you would like to, we are in the same position for DD2's wedding. i have to admit if it was just the bride i would have done it if they came to my house, but the travel and the number of girls...add to the fact it would be just me and i'm not sure i could have had them all done in time as i have no idea what kind of style she wanted for herself or the other girls.*** interesting note to add to this. it would appear the reason for the original stylist to back out was the brides mother, who is famous about town for her 'bargain' hunting kept nit-picking and bargaining with the price that the lady gave her back the deposit and told her to go away. they ended up at a hair salon a town over where, after getting their hair done the brides mother got into a screaming battle with the owner over 'her outrageous prices'....
Posted by lisareinbold[/QUOTE]

No way!!  OMG Well if what you've heard about what eventually happened is true then you should defnitely feel vindicated for declining and it just goes to show that what goes around comes around.  It's nice that you would've still done the bride so long as you don't think you would've owed them that either.  Something makes me think that they don't appreciate people who are really nice but instead see people like you as opportunities for them to take advantage and that's just sad.  You and your daughters got invited to events that benefited the bride but never got invited to anything that benefited you.  You were absolutely right to politely avoid getting involved in the end.

emenz47

She wasn't wrong by any means in my book. She handled it way more graciously than I ever would have been able to.