Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length

Milsey32

I'm a nanny. I nanny for two families that are both wealthy, which is good for me since I can make a decent amount (but I'm definitely eager to end my jobs in June!) ... aaaaaaand I just wanted to rant that it bugs me that some parents would rather work and work and work, make a million bucks, and never see their kids. Now, I understand that some families have to work constantly just to pay the bills and put food on the table but not these families. 

The *Berg Family (name changed for privacy) recently replaced their "old" 40+ inch tv with a 65" 3D flatscreen, which I'm not judging them, but is that really necessary?!  And the reason I complain is because I'm the one that takes the kids to soccer practice, and watches their swim lesson, and Tuesday and yesterday REALLY upset me.

Tuesday... I took off *Matthew's training wheels because he couldn't ride his bike because they wouldn't spin all the way so he would be pedaling and not going anywhere. Plus, he's about to be SEVEN and I guess, I just always thought that happened when you were 4 or 5... When one of the parents came home we told them the "exciting news" and they didn't really respond/care. WHAT THE HECK, that's a big step for a kid! 

Yesterday... The family is catholic (but honestly, they don't really practice) and I take the kids to Catechism (religious education) every Wednesday evening. Usually I drop them off and leave but there was a sign saying that children were to meet their teachers in the church and parents MUST attend so I called the Mom and she asked if I could stay with them. *Melanie is making her first communion on Saturday, so it was an important meeting and whatnot. 

It just really breaks my heart that these parents are not involved in their kids' lives! I don't mind doing this and that for the family, because it's my job... I just wish they spent more time with them. 

I calculated it out... they spend less 3 hours a day with their kids on school days (probably less than 2, but it depends on how early the kids wake up in the morning)

Okay, that's my rant about poor parenting. ]: 

mkrupar

I think when you work as a nanny you have to understand that there's a reason people have hired you. It may not be the best of reasons, but for them they had a reason.

If you're not happy and feel the need to judge their parenting styles, then by all means end the jobs in June. It won't stop them from hiring another nanny though.

I also wouldn't judge them on what they spend their money on. Seeing as how you think a bigger TV is an unnecessary expense, and other people may think a nanny is an unnecessary expense. Effectively judging and putting you out of a job.

I'm sorry you're frustrated. I think it's good to vent. Just keep in perspective that people can do what they please with their money.

Beads921

I really can't say I judge them for their lifestyle. Every day they make a conscious decision about how they want to live, just like you and I do. They've chosen what I assume are high powered and high profile careers, and now they have lots of money and wish to spend it. I'm sure they've worked hard for their money, and they deserve their new TV. 

I do think it's sad that they brush of their children's accomplishments, and that they can't make more time for them. However, it's really not your life and therefore not your place to judge. At least they've hired a nanny and have their children involved in extra-curriculars. They could just ship the kids to some daycare for 15 hours a day, where they wouldn't get the same experiences or 1:1 attention. 

baystateapple

Unfortunately, when you sign up to be a nanny, this is the risk you take.  My H's cousin is a full-time nanny and she has become quite attached to "her" children, although it doesn't sound like you're in the same boat.

The good news is that the kids DO have a good friend and a listener in you, and I'm sure as they grow older they will appreciate that more and more.  If you find yourself being put into a position of "parenting" that makes you feel like you shouldn't be involved, put your foot down and say that you are sorry, but you can't attend the meeting/lesson/etc., and leave it at that.  But you really can't butt your nose in about their parenting decisions or their lifestyle choices.

*hugs*

Mrs.B6302007

I was a nanny and it was hard to spend literally 12 hours a day taking care of someone else's kids and NOT think, why are they choosing this lifestyle over their kids?  Bottom line though, it wasn't my life and at least those kids were well-cared for and shown affection during the 12 hours I had them.

Meg1979

Well, admittedly, it is sad that they don't seem that invested in their children, but you are a nanny.  I don't understand that kind of privilege and I always assumed what you are talking about was status quo.  That's why they hire a nanny.

I don't mean to be too harsh here, BTW.  I just don't get that lifestyle.

courtney1188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-etiquette-vent-sorry-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0badee-96c9-4376-9ba5-ad1120fd1f13Post:a698a7c1-3871-4b91-b7fd-01b3c09be003">Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, admittedly, it is sad that they don't seem that invested in their children, but you are a nanny.  I don't understand that kind of privilege and I always assumed what you are talking about was status quo.  That's why they hire a nanny. I don't mean to be too harsh here, BTW.  I just don't get that lifestyle.
Posted by Meg1979[/QUOTE]

This.

And as someone who sells 3D TVs, you would be surprised by the very large number of people who buy them. Even 65" ones. It doesn't take a lot of time though, if anything most 3D movies are ones they would watch WITH the kids. So I kind of fail to see what that has to do with anything.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-etiquette-vent-sorry-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0badee-96c9-4376-9ba5-ad1120fd1f13Post:a698a7c1-3871-4b91-b7fd-01b3c09be003">Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, admittedly, it is sad that they don't seem that invested in their children, but you are a nanny. <strong> I don't understand that kind of privilege and I always assumed what you are talking about was status quo.  That's why they hire a nanny.</strong> I don't mean to be too harsh here, BTW.  I just don't get that lifestyle.
Posted by Meg1979[/QUOTE]

Do you mean that you assumed all parents who have nannies neglect their children? Because if so, you're wrong.

My parents were late 30s and late 40s when I was born. They had careers they enjoyed and didn't want to stop working, so they hired nannies for me (one at a time, but several over a few years). My dad worked close to our house, so he would come home to have lunch with me, and evenings and weekends my parents were parents first and foremost. Obviously not everyone is the same, but it's wrong to assume that everyone who has the money to hire in-home childcare and chooses to do so must also not want to spend much time with their kids. In that sense, it's no different than paying for daycare - someone to watch your child while you work.

slwager

just to stir the pot...

i was raised by nannies.

my parents divorced when i was six.  both are lawyers and work long hours (still).

i am close to both of them.  and dearly love the two other women that helped raise me and my sister.

we were taught the value of money and cut off as soon as we graduated.

having household help isn't necessarily a negative thing

Meg1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-etiquette-vent-sorry-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0badee-96c9-4376-9ba5-ad1120fd1f13Post:e68cf8de-6a85-4e5d-adf5-72fec070f536">Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length : Do you mean that you assumed all parents who have nannies neglect their children? Because if so, you're wrong. My parents were late 30s and late 40s when I was born. They had careers they enjoyed and didn't want to stop working, so they hired nannies for me (one at a time, but several over a few years). My dad worked close to our house, so he would come home to have lunch with me, and evenings and weekends my parents were parents first and foremost. Obviously not everyone is the same, but it's wrong to assume that everyone who has the money to hire in-home childcare and chooses to do so must also not want to spend much time with their kids. In that sense, it's no different than paying for daycare - someone to watch your child while you work.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

No, not necessarily.  I know there are people out there, such as yourself, who grew up with nannies and had excellent relationships with their parents.  Like I said, it's mostly ignorance on my part.  I didn't grow up that way so I just don't get it.  I know a lot of kids, mostly from high school, who had better relationships with their nannies than their parents.  This is why I don't try to judge too harshly about any kind of parenting style.  Some styles work for some, some for others.  I just gathered from what limited experience I have that nannies do a lot for the families they work for and that some parents just aren't as involved. 

emilyinchile

Meg, I agree that some (probably many) nannies do a lot for the families they work for. And I agree that some parents just aren't as involved. But I think there are nannies who do a lot for families where the parents are very involved, and there are uninvolved parents who have all sorts of childcare situations.

I don't really know what's to get. I didn't grow up going to daycare or being taken care of by a relative, but I get both of those options. I think some people think there's this mystique surrounding nannying, and it's really not some magical thing.

thesequel

It is sad that people don't spend enough time with their kids, but that is why they hire nannies, so that there is something there to spend time with their kids.

How people spend their money is their issue.  I am sure that people don't agree with how C and I spend our money....but that is our concern, not theirs.

Mrs.B6302007

I think that having a nanny USED to be something that only the priviliged families could afford and/or did.  They were "set apart" so to speak because their children had private, in-home care while the option for most families was only daycare or grandma.  However over the years, nannies are becoming more and more common as an alternative to day care.  I also think the term "nanny" has different meanings to different people/regions.

The other "stigma" with nannies can be that there are a lot of wealthy SAHM who have nannies (their business, not judging) but I think that can influence the way people view the option of having a nanny, KWIM?

jerseydevil

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-etiquette-vent-sorry-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0badee-96c9-4376-9ba5-ad1120fd1f13Post:f88787cd-3ec7-4073-8f0c-7a2e9ab99617">Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that having a nanny USED to be something that only the priviliged families could afford and/or did.  They were "set apart" so to speak because their children had private, in-home care while the option for most families was only daycare or grandma.  However over the years, nannies are becoming more and more common as an alternative to day care.  I also think the term "nanny" has different meanings to different people/regions. <strong>The other "stigma" with nannies can be that there are a lot of wealthy SAHM who have nannies</strong> (their business, not judging) but I think that can influence the way people view the option of having a nanny, KWIM?
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

That I cannot understand! I think that if both parents have high-level careers, it's one thing, but if one stays at home what are they doing? If they don't have a job that is work from home are they really doing whatever they want while the nanny takes care of the kid? I know people like that and don't get it.

Calypso1977

there are many people in this world who have kids for the wrong reasons.  because their parents expect them to, the spouse wants them, because they think it would be cool to reproduce tehmselves because they are such wonderful people, society pressures, work pressures (some companies like "family men"), or its in the life script.

this has nothing to do with their money.  i know plenty of middle class/poor people that have kids for all the wrong reasons too, who dont really want them.

so while i agree with you ont eh sadness of them not being invovled, i think that the money piece is irrelevant.  i think these folks woudl be disinterested in their kids regardless of whether they had money or not.

Milsey32

MilkDuds -- totally valid. I do have a problem with how people spend their money, and I will admit it. (Heck, I was having trouble thinking it was okay to go on a fun/relaxing honeymoon while I could donate that money or use it for a missions trip - which actually were more expensive than the honeymoon)

Baystateapple -- thanks for the hug... definitely needed. 

Mrs. B -- That's the other family I nanny... the parents stay at home while I'm there and it's sooo awkward but I could use the money for the wedding and whatnot

Calypso -- you win. It's not about the money at all, it's them not caring about the kids. I think I just mentioned the whole them being wealthy thing to indicate that they're well off and aren't working just to put food on the table, if that makes sense.

And the mentioning of the TV was probably unnecessary... but oh well. I'm glad this thread stirred up some responses. Oh, and whoever asked about what the kids think about -- they always ask about their parents and why they're not there.

Meg1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-etiquette-vent-sorry-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0badee-96c9-4376-9ba5-ad1120fd1f13Post:158e579a-e56b-40c3-b6cc-6e1316b832a1">Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length</a>:
[QUOTE] It's not about the money at all, it's them not caring about the kids. I think I just mentioned the whole them being wealthy thing to indicate that they're well off and aren't working just to put food on the table, if that makes sense.
Posted by Milsey32[/QUOTE]

This bothers me a little.  Certainly, some people are more well of than others.  And certainly, people can and should be interested in their children and be good parents.    And it definitely sounds like this family could do a better job with that.

But the idea that you or anyone can judge who "needs" to work to take care of their families, I have a problem with that.  People work for all sorts of reasons.  And its arguments like this that have been used to argue that women should stay home rather than work if their husband has a good job.  Some people stay home, some people work.  Some people work long hours and some work short hours.  How you provide for your family and what sort of outlet you need outside your family is a really complicated and personal decision.  But it really isn't anyone else's business whether or not they "need" to work, as long as the basic needs of their family are being met.

Milsey32

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-etiquette-vent-sorry-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0badee-96c9-4376-9ba5-ad1120fd1f13Post:6b7644d9-67ea-422f-8deb-75e84eabb561">Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length : This bothers me a little.  Certainly, some people are more well of than others.  And certainly, people can and should be interested in their children and be good parents.    And it definitely sounds like this family could do a better job with that. But the idea that you or anyone can judge who "needs" to work to take care of their families, I have a problem with that.  People work for all sorts of reasons.  And its arguments like this that have been used to argue that women should stay home rather than work if their husband has a good job.  Some people stay home, some people work.  Some people work long hours and some work short hours.  How you provide for your family and what sort of outlet you need outside your family is a really complicated and personal decision.  <strong>But it really isn't anyone else's business whether or not they "need" to work, as long as the basic needs of their family are being met.</strong>
Posted by Meg1036[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Touche. All we <em>need </em>is food, water, and love. [: 

</div>

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-etiquette-vent-sorry-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0badee-96c9-4376-9ba5-ad1120fd1f13Post:e68cf8de-6a85-4e5d-adf5-72fec070f536">Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length : Do you mean that you assumed all parents who have nannies neglect their children? Because if so, you're wrong. My parents were late 30s and late 40s when I was born. They had careers they enjoyed and didn't want to stop working, so they hired nannies for me (one at a time, but several over a few years). My dad worked close to our house, so he would come home to have lunch with me, and evenings and weekends my parents were parents first and foremost. Obviously not everyone is the same, but it's wrong to assume that everyone who has the money to hire in-home childcare and chooses to do so must also not want to spend much time with their kids. In that sense, it's no different than paying for daycare - someone to watch your child while you work.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I grew up in a similar situation.  My brother and I had a nanny during the day, but my parents were there in the evenings and weekends.  We went to daycare for a little while, but we both preferred having a nanny at home.  We lived in the desert, and our nanny took us out to explore.  We learned about rocks, desert plants and animals, which would not have been possible at daycare.</div><div>
</div><div>Both my brother and I have a great relationship with our parents.

</div>

lisa89760

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-etiquette-vent-sorry-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0badee-96c9-4376-9ba5-ad1120fd1f13Post:6b7644d9-67ea-422f-8deb-75e84eabb561">Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length : This bothers me a little.  Certainly, some people are more well of than others.  And certainly, people can and should be interested in their children and be good parents.    And it definitely sounds like this family could do a better job with that. But the idea that you or anyone can judge who "needs" to work to take care of their families, I have a problem with that.  People work for all sorts of reasons.  And its arguments like this that have been used to argue that women should stay home rather than work if their husband has a good job.  Some people stay home, some people work.  Some people work long hours and some work short hours.  How you provide for your family and what sort of outlet you need outside your family is a really complicated and personal decision.  But it really isn't anyone else's business whether or not they "need" to work, as long as the basic needs of their family are being met.
Posted by Meg1036[/QUOTE]

I completely agree.  Anyone could argue that you could live in a smaller house and drive older cars.  It's hard to judge why people choose to work and what they spend their money on.  As much as I complain about work, I could never NOT work.  I know women that think I'm crazy but staying home would be tough for me to do.  I'm lucky that my FI is a teacher or we might have also had to get a nanny!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I think you're being too judgy. They may think 3 hours is enough, they may think the experiences they pay for (soccer, vacations) is enough, they may be working so they can afford a good education for their children. Just because their priorities aren't your priorities doesn't make them wrong.

ETA: they might have personal reasons for wanting the careers they do, and that's not a WRONG choice by any means. Not everyone wants to give up being a lawyer or whatever to stay at home with kids 24/7. That doesn't mean they're not good parents, or they shouldn't have kids or they don't love their kids.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-etiquette-vent-sorry-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0badee-96c9-4376-9ba5-ad1120fd1f13Post:81371cbe-043b-4ec7-b48c-8c75b0cb7752">Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length : That I cannot understand! I think that if both parents have high-level careers, it's one thing, but if one stays at home what are they doing? If they don't have a job that is work from home are they really doing whatever they want while the nanny takes care of the kid? I know people like that and don't get it.
Posted by jerseydevil[/QUOTE]

They may be doing a lot of volunteer work or a hobby or something else that's not pai work, but nonetheless requires them to put a lot of time into something. Or they might just be managing a huge house. Whatever, their choice.

There are also people who do a nanny share, where 2-3 families split the cost of a nanny, so you get more personalized care, but for the same cost or even less than that of a child care center.

Milsey32

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-etiquette-vent-sorry-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0badee-96c9-4376-9ba5-ad1120fd1f13Post:5651241c-cd04-450f-9731-afc31af33f03">Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length : I completely agree.  Anyone could argue that you could live in a smaller house and drive older cars.  It's hard to judge why people choose to work and what they spend their money on. <strong> As much as I complain about work, I could never NOT work.  </strong>I know women that think I'm crazy but staying home would be tough for me to do.  I'm lucky that my FI is a teacher or we might have also had to get a nanny!
Posted by lisa89760[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I totally agree with this... I mean, I cannot just sit around all day, I get bored too easily.</div><div>
</div><div>Oh and whoever posted about living in the desert and their nanny taught them about rocks/etc - that's awesome!! The family uses a housekeeping service that just provides a cleaning lady every other week but it's not the same person and yet they all have seemed to be the same European decent so I asked one the other, who barely spoke English, and she said Ukranian so I had the kids find Ukraine on the map and we did other geography type stuff after that, which was fun [: </div>

katieisawesome

I get about 3 hours a day with my daughter on weekdays...  I don't have a choice.  I know you say these people do have a choice (and sure, they could live without a big screen 3D plasma tv) but 3 hours a night is pretty common for any parent working anything resembling a 9 to 5 job with something of a commute.

It still sucks that it seems like they don't care which is the bigger issue imo - if they have 3 hours per day, they should be able to plan to attend important events in the evening.

adunn09

I was extremely luck to have a mom that stayed home with my sister and me until we were both in school.  That, in itself, was a privilege because she spent a huge amount of time with us and helped us set a really good foundation so that we were prepared when we started school.  While my experience was awesome, not everyone can do that.

I have a cousin who has two kids.  She and her husband are both doctors and they have a live-in nanny to take care of their kids when they can't be there.  Their hours can be really weird since they're basically always on call at the hospital, so they have to have someone who can be there if they get called in really late at night or on the weekends.

I don't begrudge them of that, even though they make a ton of money and can afford things that I could only dream about.  The world needs people who will do what they do, and how they manage that lifestyle is totally up to them.  They do, however, spend a lot of time with their kids and rarely miss a tee ball game or school event.

Calypso1977

3 hours a day is actually reasonable, now that i think about it.
if you get off work at 5, and the kids are in bed by 8, that's 3 hours (maybe even less if you have a commute home).

also, some jobs simply dont allow for part time.  Accounting for example.  Working part-time in accounting means working 50 hours a week instead of 70+.  Lawyers, especially trial lawyers could never be part-time at least at a big firm where a certain number billable hours are required (big difference between hours worked and billable hours.  BIG).

Bubbalub

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-etiquette-vent-sorry-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0badee-96c9-4376-9ba5-ad1120fd1f13Post:a1b0f871-535b-458a-ab4d-afe16728f7ff">Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parenting Etiquette -- Vent, sorry for the length : Touche. All we need is food, water, and love. [: 
Posted by Milsey32[/QUOTE]

Oh FFS, you are totally being judgey. Get over yourself.  And as for this:

<em>Yesterday... The family is catholic (but honestly, they don't really practice) and I take the kids to Catechism (religious education) every Wednesday evening. Usually I drop them off and leave but there was a sign saying that children were to meet their teachers in the church and parents MUST attend so I called the Mom and she asked if I could stay with them. *Melanie is making her first communion on Saturday, so it was an important meeting and whatnot. </em>

It is absolutely none of your business how another person/family practices their religion. Many lapsed Catholics still send their kids to CCD so that the children can LEARN about the religion. If they truly didn't care, they wouldn't bother sending their kids to the classes at all.

LuluP82

We were raised by nannies. My mom was a SAHM for most of my life and we still had a live-in nanny and a housekeeper. We're all well-adjusted individuals and have great relationships with our  parents AND with our old nanny (she now cares for our aging grandparents). My parents travelled a lot when we were kids, and my mom was very involved in volunteer work, like someone mentioned already. We saw our parents for dinner most nights, and that was basically it...sometimes they couldn't make it to stuff (like my kindegarten graduation). I survived. I don't intend to give up working, and you better believe I'll have a nanny when we have kids, unless we can't afford it. I like my job. I like to work. I think I'd go crazy if I had only the house and kids to take care of.

I also hate keeping house for the most part. So did my mom. She would've been miserable if she didnt' have her other activities to keep her busy, and was much happier when she did go back to work. Doesn't make her a bad person or my parents bad parents. They just had different priorities.