AND SO IT BEGINS....

OpenHeart0117

I usually just lurk here but I have to get this off my chest today

We mailed our "Save the Date's" a couple of weeks ago for our October wedding. It is 100% Destination. We did the magnets & they turned out great. There is a link to our wedding website with all of the necessary info. A couple of friends that I see frequently did not get theirs for some unknown reason. I am not sure if the envelope was so small that they got lost or if its just that doggone USPS ! Anyway, I texted a couple of my other friends, to make sure that had received theirs, one replied back with "Yes I sure did, will definitely be there ! Are you excited ?". I texted back expl that I was excited & that I was just checking because a couple of friends didn't make it to their mailbox for some reason. I also text, "I can't wait to see you guys (meaning her & her hubby)". She texted back, "Yep I got it, Mom said she is coming with us too !" Now this friend moved to a city for her job a several years ago. Her mother sold her house and moved to the same city a couple of years after that but got her own house, she just wanted to be closer to her grandson. I do know her mother well and she is a nice person, but I don't have room for her & did not consider her as part of the guest count. Also, I had assumed that since her mother lives in the city she now lives in that she would have no trouble getting her mom to keep her child who is like 11 or 12 while they travel for the wedding. Long story short, we don't have room to invite the children of all of our friends and assumed that many would be happy to have a weekend getaway without their kids in fact, a large majority of our friends are looking forward to it for that very reason.  It's New Orelans and the French Courtyard can only hold so many people. Now I am wondering since she thought it was OK to just add her mother to the guest list, that she also thinks it's OK to bring her child ? I mean if she her husband and mother are out of town, who is keeping the child ?The website FAQ's state clearly that "only those listed on the invite can attend" to the Question " Can I bring a date/children" ? I alsoI made sure on the Save the Dates to write only the names of those that I intend to name on the invitation. I didn't respond to the text, because I was just stunned & did not know what to say, so I just let it hang in the air. Now I am going to have to pick up the phone  to call her & make sure she is clear on who is invited & why. I just hate to have to start this dance so early with people !!! 

I am so frustrated that people are not going to the website like I had hoped. The link is on the Save the Date, II don't know if they are waiting until it gets closer to check things out or what, but it clearly has these types of things spelled out. My worry is that people will make assumptions like these, without looking at the website or paying attention to who is listed on the save the date and book flights, reserve rooms, only to get the formal invitation & RSVP card which will only have those who are invited listed.  I can't believe that I am already stressing over this. I just forsee having to make a lot of uncomfortable calls from now until October.

Does anyone have any advice ? Is there something more that I could/can do ? 

Barbiiieee

Maybe she just meant her mother is going on the trip with her, not attending the actual wedding. PP made a good suggestion. I would just clarify. People might be checking out your wedding website, but they might not be scouring every page for information, they may just check out the major details.

kmmssg

Agree with Sparkly that you need to clarify this, and sooner rather than later.

Also want to address one thing in your post.  You assumed the grandparent could and would watch the child so the parents could come to the wedding.  I am ALL for child free weddings - even the ones that don't include my wonderfully-oh-so-perfectly-adorable-well mannered- never misbehaved 6 grandchildren. (you might consider the tiniest bit of sarcasm there...)

Seriously though, it is a pet peeve of mine when I see posted from time to time, "well they could leave the kids with the g'parents."  Many of us work, many of us are not free babysitters and have our own plans and lives and are not available for your wedding.  Sometimes, we are.  I say this because if you have used this line of thinking regarding your other guests, some may have childcare issues.

I am an ardent supporter of child-free weddings if that is what the couple wants, but you may be in for some disappointment if you are thinking everyone can get g'parents to babysit for destination weddings.

BTW - NO sounds fabulous for a DW.  Good luck!

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_and-so-it-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0d8ffc-9f92-4015-a5db-8ca16ffcb002Post:6847efb5-2c3e-49c5-b991-12ef7392bc74">Re:AND SO IT BEGINS....</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto everyone else. Also, I would take that question and answer off the website. It sounds condescending and will likely do more insulting than good.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Exactly what I was going to say.

I wouldn't assume she thought g-ma and kid were invited.  My first thought was actually just that g-ma was coming to NO, possibly to watch the kid.  But this should be clarified as politely as possible early so that they don't spend money on tickets on an assumption.

krose83013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_and-so-it-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0d8ffc-9f92-4015-a5db-8ca16ffcb002Post:0dadf25d-43b9-4b8c-b2cf-d75f0d38f283">Re: AND SO IT BEGINS....</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe she just meant her mother is going on the trip with her, not attending the actual wedding. PP made a good suggestion. I would just clarify. People might be checking out your wedding website, but they might not be scouring every page for information, they may just check out the major details.
Posted by Barbiiieee[/QUOTE]

<div>This is a huge possibility. I would call and clarify.</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_and-so-it-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d0d8ffc-9f92-4015-a5db-8ca16ffcb002Post:eed256ed-65cb-467e-a965-a6d552f88722">AND SO IT BEGINS....</a>:
[QUOTE]I usually just lurk here but I have to get this off my chest today We mailed our "Save the Date's" a couple of weeks ago for our October wedding. It is 100% Destination. We did the magnets & they turned out great. There is a link to our wedding website with all of the necessary info. A couple of friends that I see frequently did not get theirs for some unknown reason. I am not sure if the envelope was so small that they got lost or if its just that doggone USPS ! Anyway, I texted a couple of my other friends, to make sure that had received theirs, one replied back with "Yes I sure did, will definitely be there ! Are you excited ?". I texted back expl that I was excited & that I was just checking because a couple of friends didn't make it to their mailbox for some reason. I also text, "I can't wait to see you guys (meaning her & her hubby)". She texted back, "Yep I got it, Mom said she is coming with us too !"<strong> </strong>Now this friend moved to a city for her job a several years ago. Her mother sold her house and moved to the same city a couple of years after that but got her own house, she just wanted to be closer to her grandson. I do know her mother well and she is a nice person, but I don't have room for her & did not consider her as part of the guest count. Also, I had assumed that since her mother lives in the city she now lives in that she would have no trouble getting her mom to keep her child who is like 11 or 12 while they travel for the wedding. Long story short, we don't have room to invite the children of all of our friends and assumed that many would be happy to have a weekend getaway without their kids in fact, a large majority of our friends are looking forward to it for that very reason.  It's New Orelans and the French Courtyard can only hold so many people. Now I am wondering since she thought it was OK to just add her mother to the guest list, that she also thinks it's OK to bring her child ? I mean if she her husband and mother are out of town, who is keeping the child ?<strong>The website FAQ's state clearly that "only those listed on the invite can attend" to the Question " Can I bring a date/children" ?</strong> I alsoI made sure on the Save the Dates to write only the names of those that I intend to name on the invitation. I didn't respond to the text, because I was just stunned & did not know what to say, so I just let it hang in the air. Now I am going to have to pick up the phone  to call her & make sure she is clear on who is invited & why. I just hate to have to start this dance so early with people !!!  I am so frustrated that people are not going to the website like I had hoped. The link is on the Save the Date, II don't know if they are waiting until it gets closer to check things out or what, but it clearly has these types of things spelled out. My worry is that people will make assumptions like these, without looking at the website or paying attention to who is listed on the save the date and book flights, reserve rooms, only to get the formal invitation & RSVP card which will only have those who are invited listed.  I can't believe that I am already stressing over this. I just forsee having to make a lot of uncomfortable calls from now until October. Does anyone have any advice ? Is there something more that I could/can do ? 
Posted by OpenHeart0117[/QUOTE]

The bolded is incredibly rude.

OpenHeart0117

Not that it will matter to anyone here, but the full text of what is on the website. It reads as follows:

Can I bring a date/Are children welcome ?

Although we would love to accommodate everyone who wants to come and celebrate with us, due to venue space our seating is extremely limited. Only those listed on the invitation are invited. Please understand if you are not able to bring a date. 

While in certain circles, it may be obvious to most that those listed on the invitation are the only ones invited, but just based on what I read on these boards, this is constant issue. It is obvious that everyone either doesn't know that or they just don't care.  The fact that I am already going to have to pick up the phone is proof of that. I am not exactly sure in this instance without speaking with her directly, but I do know that a lot of people intend to bring their kids to an event whether they were invited or not. I have seen them get down right belligerent about it right here on these boards ! LOL For every parent who understands this request it's like there are 3 that want to be the exception or basically just want what they want regardless. Honestly, I will understand that guests who may not have childcare will have to decline, that is expected when you plan a destination wedding. I never excepted 100% attendance. The cost alone can be a deterrent for some families. I have groups of couple friends in both camps. I have married friends who take at least one child free trip per year and leave their children with siblings or parents with no thought of it, and I know couples who have never been anywhere without there kids for 10 plus years, so it can go either way. Some will be offended but I know for a fact that some will not. 

Either way, I appreciate the discourse here. I am not perfect, nor do I intend to be. I may offend some but I will have to take what comes with that. Honestly, I used to be a people pleaser, the fact that this troubles me somewhat is proof there are remnants of that, but honestly, I took off my Halo along time ago LOL. I will just have to build a bridge and get over it !