Wedding Etiquette Forum

No kid luck has went bad

Hi ladies!  I was so happy today that I normally stalk the etiquette board because I've had to use advice that is given on a weekly basis surrounding kids today. We only put adults on the invites like you ladies often say. I only had a couple calls about kids which I've used the line of "I'm sorry, but we only have room for you and so and so". One response was actually "GREAT"... not in a bad way but this person automatically started saying how she can find a sitter and even go out after the reception. She was ecstatic. I thought I was lucky up to this point. No kid drama... until today.  A friend called and said that next weekend 'may' be her weekend with her son because she only gets him every other weekend (the father has custody). I don't where she gets the 'may' at. She knows. Anyways, I said okay. She asked if he could come. I told her that we just had room for her guest. I've already had to tell other guests no and that it may stir up problems if her son is present while other children didn't come. She said "Well, that is my weekend. They will understand that". I doubt she will go around telling everyone "I'm sorry but its my weekend". I told her I had to stay firm or I would have to call all parents to allow them to bring kids which would skyrocket catering costs.
Now my question is.. and she would be the one to do this.. What if she brings him anyways? Obviously it would be rude to kick a child out. I know its her weekend with him and I feel sorry about it but she has known since January and I know the father to be easy going if she needs to switch around days. I have to stay firm price wise, and I'm not going to have family and other friends ticked off either. So -just in case- and I know I'm being premature about this.. but what would you do if you were in this situation?

Re: No kid luck has went bad

  • I would stay firm. 

     I guess I'm mean like that.  But adding one child can cause a domino effect that I was not willing to deal with.  

    Is this an  OOT wedding?  Just wondering because I'm friends with people who have to share custody.  Some have good relationships with their ex's so switching is not a problem.  Others will just get a babysitter just like they would if they had them full time.  Others would just decline the wedding in order to spend time with their kid instead.

    Whatever the case, they would not use it's their weekend has an excuse to bring an uninvited child to a wedding.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I agree, stand firm.  Tell her that the child cannot be accomodated, and ask her if that means she won't be able to make it.

    I would make sure the coordinator or venue director is aware of the situation.  If she did try to bring him anyway, they could take her aside and explain that children are not permitted.  She'd be pissed and mortified, but she deserves if she brings him after you clearly told her he wasn't invited.  But honestly, I don't think she'll do it if you are steadfast.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-kid-luck-has-went-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9de2abfd-e1de-41df-b880-fe2574b54c59Post:70562a90-04c8-4589-9914-71a5cfd63c7d">Re: No kid luck has went bad</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would stay firm.   I guess I'm mean like that.  But adding one child can cause a domino effect that I was not willing to deal with.   Is this an  OOT wedding?  Just wondering because I'm friends with people who have to share custody.  Some have good relationships with their ex's so switching is not a problem.  Others will just get a babysitter just like they would if they had them full time.  Others would just decline the wedding in order to spend time with their kid instead. Whatever the case, they would not use it's their weekend has an excuse to bring an uninvited child to a wedding.
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]


    Its not an OOT. The ceremony site is about 15 minutes from her which the reception is 5. I think she might just be being a pain because she was upset that she wasn't a bridesmaid. At the time bridemaids were chosen, I hadn't seen her in 4 years and hadn't talked in 4 years except for here and there on FB. We started talking again in January so I did the silly thing of telling her about the wedding thinking we were on the right track again just for the talking to hault again. So it was my mistake and I had to invite her since it would have been rude otherwise but she called saying how it was 'b-chy' of me not to include her as a bridesmaid. This could just be stemming from that.
  • If she asks again say that you're sorry but her son can't be accomodated, however you understand if she'd prefer to spend the time with her son and chooses not to attend the wedding.

    If she shows up with him, I'd just let it go.  one, you don't want to start/deal with that kind of drama on your wedding day and two, you'll end up looking like the bad guy.
  • I can't beleive that anyone would have the brass ones to bring someone they ave been told was not invited
  • I hate to bring this up, but does her invitation say "So-and-so and guest"? There isn't any reason why she might not count her son as her guest. If she's also bringing an adult guest, then she's adding one, but if she was invited with a guest, she's not all that out of line (except for the "Adults only, please" that might have been on the rsvp card or something....

    At any rate, it sounds to me as if it wouldn't take your other guests very long to figure out that they don't really want to be like her, even if she does bring her son to the events. If she brings him, I'd just let it go. Your focus should be on your new husband and getting as much joy out of the day as you can.
  • Call her ASAP. "Look, I know that because it's your weekend you want to spend as much time with Kid as possible.  If that means you have to decline we completely understand. We'll miss you, but obviously you've got to do what's best for your family."

    If she keeps pressing the issue you can be as blunt as even saying "Our venue won't be able to accommodate you both; I hope this is exceedingly clear.  I don't want you to show up with Kid and be disappointed."


  • There are ways to make it clear he is not invited including telling her.  Not accommodating the child when it comes to food, telling her that you are sorry, but the reception will be with place cards and as he is not invited, there will be no seat for him, etc.  These things, while uncomfortable conversations, can be done in private.  I am guessing that, the more ways you make her feel "uncomfortable" the more she will get the hint.

    My wedding was this past weekend.  My dad was looking forward to going to get the tuxes with just my now husband and the best man.  We made it clear it was just to be the 3 of them (per my dad's specific request and he was paying for the tuxes, including the best man's who could not afford his) but the BM's fiance KEPT inviting herself.  More than once.  We finally told her if she insisted on coming, she would have to sit in the car while they were at the fitting.  She thought that was rude (nevermind that she was not invited) and decided to stay home.

    Unfortunately, you kind of have to push back a little on the people who don't get the hint when you are polite (this same woman insulted my cake, asked us to change the flavors, and tried to get me to change the decor of the reception, so she was something else).
    Anniversary
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