Wedding Etiquette Forum

inviting SOs?

My fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, and doing so with a tight budget. Our list of "must have" guests includes immediate family (no farther removed than cousins) and the friends we simply can't imagine not being there. We're not inviting significant others unless they're married. Even with these stipulations, our guest list is at 100. We even contemplated not allowing children to keep costs down, even though that would be difficult and probably offensive to a good half of our guests...and frankly I like all the kids and would like to have them there.
The problem is that, even knowing all of this, my sister is throwing a tantrum about not being able to invite her boyfriend. Her boyfriend she's only known for six months and who I've never even met. Sure that could change in the five+ months between now and our wedding, but unlikely since I don't live near her. My mother says that if they're still together at the time of the wedding, that will have been a year and should indicate that they're serious enough for him to be included.
My sister is serious with every guy she dates. She's been engaged twice, though never married, simply because she decides on date 2 that she's in love and on date 3 that she's going to marry the guy. So I take her seriousness about this guy with a grain of salt. Secondly, from what she has told me about him, I don't like him and want him no where near my sister. And she knows this. He claims to be a fairly high ranking member of the hell's angels. Which in my eyes makes him either a liar or dangerous and no good. She knows how I feel as it leads to an argument every time he comes up. And yet she is hellbent on convincing me to invite him to my wedding. 
The only thing holding me back from reading her the riot act is the fact that I do want her to be happy and have fun at the wedding. I'm the youngest in the family and yet the first to be married, which I know can be difficult for the older siblings. Add to that, our father died a year ago of cancer and anything that will keep all of us from dwelling on his absence can't be a bad thing right? Even if for her it is the presence of someone I'd rather not be there. 
But at the same time, it's supposed to be my day, not to mention exponentially more difficult for me to handle dad's absence on that day than my sister, so shouldn't I be able to have everything the way I want it? 
I'm driving myself crazy with this, and she brings it up every time I talk to her. Am I being a selfish bitch to not want to invite him?

Re: inviting SOs?

  • First of all, only inviting the SOs of married people is rude. Anyone who is married, engaged, living together, or dating seriously should be able to bring their SO. If someone invited me to a wedding without FI, I would decline.

    Second, this is your SISTER. Jeez. If God forbid you turn out to be wrong and she does actually stay with this guy, there goes your relationship with your FBIL. Also, siblings and wedding party members should be allowed to bring dates no matter what.
    imageimage
    Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
    Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
  • I agree with Sarah -- people in serious relationships should be invited together.  And your sister should automatically get a date, especially if she's a wedding party member.
    image

    Books read in 2012: 21/50

    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

  • She is your sister, probably in the wedding party - all wedding party member's get dates. If not, I would absolutely make room for my own sister to have a date. Even if you are not close, I know that allowing her to bring a date would absolutely protect against many more head aches down the line.

    Plus, short of her dating an abusive guy, it is really not your place to judge her adult realtionship.

    It sounds like you are digging your heels in the dirt over something that is really not going to make or break you weddin due to personal issues you have with your sister that you have yet to resolve.
  • I get that it sucks to have to invite people you don't wanna pay for. But really, just keep the peace with your sister and invite the Hell's Angel. Unless he brings the rest of the Hell's Angels with him, it's really poor form on your part to not let your sister have a date because you don't like the guy. It'll save you some time and frustration to just let her have this one.
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • I HATE my brother's girlfriend. I have met her and known her for the four years they've been dating. She's cheated on him twice (that he knows about) and actually caused scenes at family events (yelling at me and my older sister..) 

    As much as I hate, she is important to my brother and I had to tell him that he could bring her if he wanted to. She came and didn't say a word to me the whole day, so everything was fine. 

    My wedding was also family and VERY close friends only. We only had fifty people and it was very low budget. I think you should invite the boyfriend. Just do it. 
  • Side note -  what is this, friggen "wall of text Monday"?????
  • salt78salt78 member
    5000 Comments
    edited January 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-sos-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9e82eb10-ec1c-4435-be72-b56eeaf814bdPost:e4873a82-21f1-4ca4-abca-c95ee2cda6bf">inviting SOs?</a>:
    [QUOTE]But at the same time, it's supposed to be my day, not to mention exponentially more difficult for me to handle dad's absence on that day than my sister, so shouldn't I be able to have everything the way I want it?
    Posted by TaylorGujarati[/QUOTE]

    Sorry about the loss of your dad, but yeah you do sound like a selfishbitch.
    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-sos-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9e82eb10-ec1c-4435-be72-b56eeaf814bdPost:e4873a82-21f1-4ca4-abca-c95ee2cda6bf">inviting SOs?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, and doing so with a tight budget. Our list of "must have" guests includes immediate family (no farther removed than cousins) and the friends we simply can't imagine not being there. We're not inviting significant others unless they're married.

    <strong>I would re-think this.  What about couples that are engaged?  Wouldn't you be annoyed if your FI got invited to a wedding without you?  Or couples that have been together for 10 years but have chosen not to marry?  Or gay couples that CAN'T marry?</strong>

    Even with these stipulations, our guest list is at 100. We even contemplated not allowing children to keep costs down, even though that would be difficult and probably offensive to a good half of our guests...and frankly I like all the kids and would like to have them there.  The problem is that, even knowing all of this, my sister is throwing a tantrum about not being able to invite her boyfriend.

    <strong>Well, let her.  She's the one who looks immature.

    </strong>Her boyfriend she's only known for six months and who I've never even met. Sure that could change in the five+ months between now and our wedding, but unlikely since I don't live near her.

    <strong>The important part is that he's HER boyfriend, not yours.  Dates don't have to be pre-screened by you.</strong>

    My mother says that if they're still together at the time of the wedding, that will have been a year and should indicate that they're serious enough for him to be included.

    <strong>She's probably right.</strong>

    My sister is serious with every guy she dates. She's been engaged twice, though never married, simply because she decides on date 2 that she's in love and on date 3 that she's going to marry the guy. So I take her seriousness about this guy with a grain of salt.

    <strong>Way to be judge-y.  I get that she may be a serial monogamist, but 6 months is a pretty serious deal, and at some point she'll probably settle  down with one of these dudes.

    </strong> Secondly, from what she has told me about him, I don't like him and want him no where near my sister. And she knows this. He claims to be a fairly high ranking member of the hell's angels. Which in my eyes makes him either a liar or dangerous and no good.

    <strong>Again, she's an adult.  Your wedding is not the place to pass judgment about her choice in mates.

    </strong>She knows how I feel as it leads to an argument every time he comes up. And yet she is hellbent on convincing me to invite him to my wedding.

    <strong>If your line is no, just refuse to discuss it with her anymore.

    </strong>  The only thing holding me back from reading her the riot act is the fact that I do want her to be happy and have fun at the wedding.

    <strong>She obviously won't be unless you invite this dude.  It's one freaking person.

    </strong> I'm the youngest in the family and yet the first to be married, which I know can be difficult for the older siblings.

    <strong>This is completely irrelevant.  Yes, of course everyone who's unmarried is unhappy and bitter!

    </strong>Add to that, our father died a year ago of cancer and anything that will keep all of us from dwelling on his absence can't be a bad thing right?

    <strong>This makes no sense and is completely unrelated to everything you just talked about. 

    </strong>Even if for her it is the presence of someone I'd rather not be there.

    <strong>You are totally judging this dude without meeting him.  Lame.

    </strong>  But at the same time, it's supposed to be my day, not to mention exponentially more difficult for me to handle dad's absence on that day than my sister, so shouldn't I be able to have everything the way I want it? 

    <strong>Oh holy fuuckballs, no.  It's not your day, it's about you, and your FI, and the guests who love you and come to celebrate you.  The "I'm the bride" card does not mean you get to disregard everyone else's feelings.

    </strong>I'm driving myself crazy with this, and she brings it up every time I talk to her. Am I being a selfish bitch to not want to invite him?

    <strong>Look, if you have a policy, tell her--say, "Nobody that's been in relationships less than a year.  We can't afford it.  I'm sorry."  AND THEN DROP IT.  If she pesters you about it, change the subject.  Don't bring all this "it's my day" BS into it.  Take the high road.</strong>

    Posted by TaylorGujarati[/QUOTE]
    image
    two years!
    after two losses, now happily expecting baby #1 09.16.12
    Pregnancy Ticker
    Brie Fit Blog | BFP Chart
  • So the jist is you're mad because you have to invite one extra person you don't like? And he's your sister's BF? And he might not even be around when you get married?

    Just invite the shmuck already.

    THINK OF THE BIG PICTURE, WOMAN... Will this matter in the grand scheme of things? Why do people get SO bogged down in the little shiit?
  • ... what Brie said.

    image
  • Brie, you are the voice of sanity for long-winded beebees today.
    imageimage
    Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
    Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
  • Brie wins the helpful award of the day today!
  • I'm feeling unusually thorough today.  It'll pass.
    image
    two years!
    after two losses, now happily expecting baby #1 09.16.12
    Pregnancy Ticker
    Brie Fit Blog | BFP Chart
  • Ok I do appreciate the honesty. For the record, we're not inviting half couples. It just happens to work out that my sister is the only one not married or engaged who wants to bring a date. Our other single relatives and friends couldn't care less. 
    And I am thinking of the big picture, believe it or not. How many of you have taken a date to an important event who you later wished wasn't in all the pictures? My sister does that frequently. She still complains that her former fiance is in all the family photos from my college graduation, which I invited him to because he was important to her. My mother and other sister don't like him either, though they have at least met him, and have voiced concern about inviting him. They find him offensive. One part of my family is super conservative and relgious, I also have a very liberal gay uncle...this guy has freely made comments that offends both ends of the spectrum. So do I make my sister happy and just cross my fingers that it goes well? 
  • WTF is with everyone being all, "WE'RE PAYING FOR THE WEDDING OURSELVES, GIMME A GOLD STAR!!!"

    Don't MOST people pay for their own weddings these days?  Give me a break. Maybe I'll just start handing out cookies so people can feel better about themselves.  Or something.
  • Of course you make your sister happy. She is your sister. She should be able to bring a date no matter what, as we all have already said.

    And as for the pictures thing, just don't have the guy be in every picture. Take some family pictures without him. And if you haven't even met him, you really don't know what he's going to be like.
    imageimage
    Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
    Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-sos-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9e82eb10-ec1c-4435-be72-b56eeaf814bdPost:dea5f426-b822-4187-bd3f-746fc82405ce">Re: inviting SOs?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok I do appreciate the honesty. For the record, we're not inviting half couples. It just happens to work out that my sister is the only one not married or engaged who wants to bring a date. Our other single relatives and friends couldn't care less. 

    <strong>This is a huge assumption.  Of course nobody's going to tell you to your face that they are mad they can't bring a date.

    </strong>And I am thinking of the big picture, believe it or not. How many of you have taken a date to an important event who you later wished wasn't in all the pictures?

    <strong>...never?  I have regrettable exes, but I look at the pictures and think, "hey, we had fun together, even though ohmygosh what was I thinking!"  This really isn't for you to determine.

    </strong>My sister does that frequently. She still complains that her former fiance is in all the family photos from my college graduation, which I invited him to because he was important to her.

    <strong>Here's the thing.  That's her problem, not yours to solve for her.  Also, one of these guys one day will probably stick.  What if she does wind up marrying this guy and he becomes your BIL?  Won't you feel dumb saying "hey, I didn't invite you to our wedding because I thought she'd regret having you in the pictures"?

    </strong>My mother and other sister don't like him either, though they have at least met him, and have voiced concern about inviting him. They find him offensive. One part of my family is super conservative and relgious, I also have a very liberal gay uncle...this guy has freely made comments that offends both ends of the spectrum.

    <strong>He's allowed to have opinions, even if they're offensive.  IMO, the only reason you shouldn't include him is SEVERE budget constraints and/or violence.  We took someone off our guest list because they were convicted of sexual assault.  I am occasionally offended by some things FI's family says, but they are important to someone I love so they're still invited.

    </strong>So do I make my sister happy and just cross my fingers that it goes well?

    <strong>You will be so excited on your wedding day, you probably won't notice he's there.  It's really not worth the trouble of not inviting him.</strong>
    Posted by TaylorGujarati[/QUOTE]
    image
    two years!
    after two losses, now happily expecting baby #1 09.16.12
    Pregnancy Ticker
    Brie Fit Blog | BFP Chart
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-sos-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9e82eb10-ec1c-4435-be72-b56eeaf814bdPost:dea5f426-b822-4187-bd3f-746fc82405ce">Re: inviting SOs?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok I do appreciate the honesty. For the record, we're not inviting half couples. It just happens to work out that my sister is the only one not married or engaged who wants to bring a date. Our other single relatives and friends couldn't care less.  And I am thinking of the big picture, believe it or not. How many of you have taken a date to an important event who you later wished wasn't in all the pictures? My sister does that frequently. She still complains that her former fiance is in all the family photos from my college graduation, which I invited him to because he was important to her. My mother and other sister don't like him either, though they have at least met him, and have voiced concern about inviting him. They find him offensive. One part of my family is super conservative and relgious, I also have a very liberal gay uncle...this guy has freely made comments that offends both ends of the spectrum. So do I make my sister happy and just cross my fingers that it goes well? 
    Posted by TaylorGujarati[/QUOTE]

    I don't particularly love my sisters choices in men, but rather than set up serious drama, I'd just be the bigger person here.  He doesn't (and shouldn't be) in any of the formal photos.  Like you said, it's freaking five months.  They could break up before then, so why the F do you care?

    Here, I just found this for you:


    <a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '3cbf3578-d3f9-4c42-8ecd-870095eb6faf', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/12/14/3cbf3578-d3f9-4c42-8ecd-870095eb6faf.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>
  • Someone needs to check the gate at the drama llama farm.

    You need to invite anyone in a long-term relationship. You'd also do well to avoid any further drama. Seriously, it's ONE extra person. Odds are, you won't even notice him on your wedding day. You'll be too busy. You will notice her being obnoxious because you invited her sans SO.
  • Just take family pictures without him.  What's the big deal?
  • Why not just do photos with and without him?  Then you can be sure he's either included or not.

    But I do think you're doing a huge disservice to your planning if you're not budgeting for anyone in a relationship to be invited with his/her partner.
  • Personally I feel all adults (18+) should be invited with the option of a date. To me, that's just polite. That doesn't mean all will bring a date, but to me, part of being a good hostess is making sure everyone will be comfortable. People don't like going to parties alone, esp parties with a theme of love and coupledom.

    This was never an issue for us, maybe because we planned for that to be part of the guest list from the beginning. I just would've felt bad making some adults attend stag. To me, it's a lot more rude than a cash bar. (I was single for most of my 20s, And I'm an introvert. It's hard for me to go places alone. I think my experience is part of why I feel this way.)
  • I think you need to make an exception for your sister.  I can't see any reason he needs to be in the formal photos so this is a pretty thin excuse.

    I think generally when considering inviting SO's it should be married, engaged, living together, or long term SO's.  If someone is "single" i.e. no significant other then technically you don't have to include a date but if they don't know anyone at the Wedding it is polite to include "& guest" on their invite, if they know everyone there they should be fine to come on their own.

    I certainly wouldn't go to war with your sister over it.  In the general scheme of things the additional $$ probably don't amount to that much.


This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards