Best man does not like me

tanyaanddrew

I am getting married this October and have been having a bit of a problem with two of my fiance, Drew's, friends.  Drew's best friend *Brandon* and Brandon's fiance *Haley* cannot stand me!  The feeling is definitely mutual for Haley. 

Very recently she wrote my fiance a letter imploring him to leave me.  In it, she said a lot of untrue, nasty things.  I found the letter, and confronted him about it.  He was sorry, and agreed that I had every right to be furious based on the things that she said.  It was the breaking point for me; I told him that I didn't want her at our wedding.  Our wedding is supposed to be a happy day for us, and I don't want to be focused on the one person there that's not happy for us, and is actively trying to break us up.  He said that was a reasonable request, and agreed.

Here's the problem; after all of this, Haley's fiancé, Brandon, now hates me too.  But, Brandon is Drew's best man.  I don't like the idea of this guy who actually hates me and says horrible things about me as the best man in our wedding.  He's going to give a speech, he's going to be in our wedding photos, he's going to be right there the whole time, and he HATES me! 

I don’t want to be selfish but I really don't want the one friend that hates me to be the one giving a speech, and in so many photos.  I don’t want to be at the alter and see him right behind Drew, with all that’s happened I know it will upset me (I’m really keeping out the nasty details for this e-mail, otherwise it'd be 8 pages long).

So, how do I handle this?  Is it okay to ask my fiance to pick a new best man, or should I just suck it up and deal with it?  

sarah0725

What does your FI say about all this? I think if one of my FI's friends HATED me, he would do something about it himself and not wait for me to do something.

AmoroAgain

Yeah, pretty much agree with Sarah on that one.  This is your FI's decision, not yours.

jasmineh7777

Your FI shouldn't be considering having this guy in the wedding if he treats you badly. I would be very pissed if FI hadn't resolved this already by letting the BM know that if he does not respect and support you as a couple then he need not attend.

aMrsin09

If h's best friend hated me with that much of a passion, he wouldn't even invite him  to the wedding.

Why does FI still want this person to stand with him if he doesn't support him in his choices?

Night_Sprite

You and your fiance need to talk about this.  A wedding guest you don't like can be managed.  Someone in your wedding party?  I think that warrants a discussion.

SarahPLiz

If your FI is not considerate of your feelings, then that is a problem you need to deal with before you get married.
Not eveyone in your life has to like you, but I agree that anyone that doesn't support your relationship should not be in the WP.

SO talk to your FI. It's on him to make this right.

SteveandKris

Your FI should have the person he's closest with standing up with him on his wedding day.  Unfortunately for you, etiquitte says that his FI "Haley" should be invited as well.  But I agree, this is *his* decision, not yours.

tlv204

I mean my first question is why do they hate you? But that's not very productive. Ditto PPs, discuss your worries with your FI, but certainly don't demand that he get a new best man or anything.  See what his reaction is.

laurenclaire1386

What PPs said. I can't imagine that my FI would take one of his friends, particularly not his best man, bashing me and our relationship constantly very well at all. If your FI still wants this dude as his best man, y'all need to have a real come to Jesus discussion.

tanyaanddrew

This has actually been a big source of conflict for us.  The only major conflict we've had the entire time we've been together.  FI agrees with me and agrees that what they are doing and what they have said is crappy.  But he won't confront them about it!  He says he wants to stay out of it, I told him that him staying out of it and not telling them to stop from the very beginning is how all this started.

But with these two friends, he never stands up to them.  Not just with me, with things for himself as well. 

I haven't bought up the fact that I don't want Brandon as the best man yet.  I'm trying to figure out if that's too much or not. 

squirrly

I third that.  You need to talk to your FI.  If his best friend really truly hates you, HE needs to work it out.

AmoroAgain

Your FI sounds like a wuss.  If he's not going to stand up for you, his future wife, then I probably would have serious reservations about marrying someone who doesn't not only respect me but who also doesn't respect himself enough to do what's right or wrong given this situation.

angned

My guess is Haley had some sort of feelings for Drew and since she never got him, she is taking it out on you.  IMO, it is inappropriate for attached people to maintain close relationships with the opposite sex.  Anyway--

I agree with PP's that you need to have a serious discussion about this.  And with her not liking you, is it likely a friendship will continue in the future between the guys?

mwhitson14

FI actually didn't ask someone to be his GM because of some things the dude said about me (sexual things, not hurtful things), and there's no way he would stand for one of his friends being that hateful.

I think your FI needs to ask him to step down (and they probably don't even need to be invited), but that needs to be your FI's decision. He knows how you feel about it, now it's just time to calm down and let him deal with it.

shellydiane820

Why does he hate you?

jasmineh7777

If my MOH was saying untrue things like "Your FI was born a woman, and he kicks puppies, and he thinks Journey sucks" then I would firmly let her know that bashing him is not acceptable. If she wasn't in support of the relationship, then she wouldn't be my MOH.
Talk to him, because he should have your back.

mwhitson14

Oops, just read your F/U. So, your FI is letting two people run their mouths about you, not saying a word, and still letting him be in the WP? Hmmm. . .

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_man-not-like?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ee42bbc-8f47-464c-bdbd-258551b90a9bPost:14ab7b09-3796-4907-a045-e936ef0a07a9">Re: Best man does not like me</a>:
[QUOTE] IMO, it is inappropriate for attached people to maintain close relationships with the opposite sex. 
Posted by angned[/QUOTE]

Just so you know, it's totally possible for some people (ahem, me) to be friends with people of the opposite sex and not jump their bones, or do anything else even related to that. How is it inappropriate to have close friends of the opposite sex?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_man-not-like?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ee42bbc-8f47-464c-bdbd-258551b90a9bPost:14ab7b09-3796-4907-a045-e936ef0a07a9">Re: Best man does not like me</a>:
[QUOTE]IMO, it is inappropriate for attached people to maintain close relationships with the opposite sex. 
Posted by angned[/QUOTE]

Are you serious?

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_man-not-like?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ee42bbc-8f47-464c-bdbd-258551b90a9bPost:b6fd9f89-2272-4a37-829a-3f94ba7ec1b1">Re: Best man does not like me</a>:
[QUOTE]This has actually been a big source of conflict for us.  The only major conflict we've had the entire time we've been together.  FI agrees with me and agrees that what they are doing and what they have said is crappy.  But he won't confront them about it!  He says he wants to stay out of it, I told him that him staying out of it and not telling them to stop from the very beginning is how all this started. Posted by tanyaanddrew[/QUOTE]

I don't know what to tell you to do, but I can tell you there's no way on earth I would marry a man who wouldn't stand up for me and hid that stuff from me that was in that letter.  This is not going to get better after the wedding and it isn't going to remain limited to these two people. 

angned

Casual- hang out in crowds, groups, with SO- is ok.

Close- daily calls, emails, advice person, private lunches- probably not ok. 

There are certain things friends of the opposite sex should no longer maintain once either are attached, out of respect for the SO's. 

[Deleted User]

Yeah. I really want to know why they hate you.

mwhitson14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_man-not-like?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ee42bbc-8f47-464c-bdbd-258551b90a9bPost:ed81136b-b7d4-4c1c-ba62-9f139192ea2c">Re: Best man does not like me</a>:
[QUOTE]Casual- hang out in crowds, groups, with SO- is ok. Close- daily calls, emails, advice person, private lunches- probably not ok.  There are certain things friends of the opposite sex should no longer maintain once either are attached, out of respect for the SO's. 
Posted by angned[/QUOTE]

And if your SO doesn't care?

shellydiane820

So I guess that means one of my best friends that's a married guy, we shouldn't be friends?

We've had lunch together.  He was also an usher at my wedding.  His wife was my MOH.  I hope she didn't see me undressing him with my eyes.

tlv204

angned- what if the opposite sex friend is gay? Or bisexual? I adamantly disagree with you. Most of my male friends are better friends than my female friends, and no that does not mean I disrespect my husband or want to have sex with them. I just value their friendship and think they are good people.

tanyaanddrew

Thanks for the advice. 

As I said, this has been our biggest conflict.  I agree, how can my FI allow his "friends" to be so mean and not say anything.  How can he want to be friends with people like that?  I don't need everyone to like me, but I appreciate them not saying bad things about me. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_man-not-like?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ee42bbc-8f47-464c-bdbd-258551b90a9bPost:ed81136b-b7d4-4c1c-ba62-9f139192ea2c">Re: Best man does not like me</a>:
[QUOTE]Casual- hang out in crowds, groups, with SO- is ok. Close- daily calls, emails, advice person, private lunches- probably not ok.  There are certain things friends of the opposite sex should no longer maintain once either are attached, out of respect for the SO's. 
Posted by angned[/QUOTE]

Um, I don't call my friends of the same-sex daily. But I hang out with them without FI on occassion. Same with my opposite-sex friends. Because I treat them the same.

What if my opposite-sex friends are gay? Does that make a difference since it means we don't want to jump each others bones? What about if they're really, really ugly?

aMrsin09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_man-not-like?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ee42bbc-8f47-464c-bdbd-258551b90a9bPost:ed81136b-b7d4-4c1c-ba62-9f139192ea2c">Re: Best man does not like me</a>:
[QUOTE]Casual- hang out in crowds, groups, with SO- is ok. Close- daily calls, emails, advice person, private lunches- probably not ok.  There are certain things friends of the opposite sex should no longer maintain once either are attached, out of respect for the SO's. 
Posted by angned[/QUOTE]

H would much rather my best male friend (who I've known for 19 years) complain to me about not finding a GF over a private lunch than be included in the conversation.  H would have a problem only if I hid the lunch from him.

Nebb

Spill it, what kind of mean things did they say and why do they hate you.

Ditto whoever said it, your FI sounds like a wuss. He needs to grow a pair and stand up for you if his own friends are putting you down. Do you want to be with someone who will just lie back and take that kind of crap, and not defend you?

tlv204

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_man-not-like?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ee42bbc-8f47-464c-bdbd-258551b90a9bPost:763aea6a-7c8d-425d-ab26-8d292af084ba">Re: Best man does not like me</a>:
[QUOTE] What if my opposite-sex friends are gay? Does that make a difference since it means we don't want to jump each others bones? What about if they're really, really ugly?
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

snort.