Pre-wedding "reception"?

ab2826

A friend of my fiance's family wants to host a barbeque cookout in our honor. But he wants to do it 3 weeks before our wedding... my future mother in law wants this cookout to be a place we can invite all our friends and family that we want- including those that we aren't able to invite to the wedding due to budget constraints...
Is this proper to have before the wedding? I'm not sure how I would word the invitations without having the people invited expect and invitation to the wedding a few weeks later as well. I have heard of people doing a post-wedding reception/party after they return from their honeymoon but not a pre-wedding one...

(no gifts will be expected to the BBQ and we may even put on the invites "no gifts please")
any thoughts?

JessAndTrav

I would wait until after the wedding. It's rude otherwise, IMO.

If I were on that list I'd think something along the lines of, "I wonder who here was good enough for an invitation. Those bitches."

FutureMrsTR

You really can't invite anyone to the pre-wedding party who's not invited to the "real" wedding/reception without being rude.

And you shouldn't mention gifts on any of your wedding invitations because it implies someone was planning on bringing a gift in the first place.

kikibaby

I concur with Jess- wait until after the wedding.

danieliza1127

No it wouldn't be proper before the wedding, but it would be fine after the wedding.

You shouldn't invite anyone to any pre-wedding parties that are wedding related if you aren't also inviting them to the wedding.  Imagine how awkward it would be for these people and for you to talk about the wedding and them either know they aren't invited, or be waiting for an invitation.

Celles

Honestly, I think it's a little rude of your FMIL to turn a friend's generous offer to host into an excuse to overload the guest list with C-listers.  I realize that a cookout is low budget compared to a wedding, but even the cost of hamburgers and hot dogs will eventually add up. 

Ditto PPs.  Either use the same guest list, or wait until after the wedding (although be aware that there still might be a sentiment of "I wasn't good enough for the real wedding, but I'm good enough to bring a gift to this?" if you do).

ETA: I know you said you aren't expecting gifts at the cookout, but many people will feel obligated to bring them anyway. 

brookelynpaisley

Technically this is a pre-wedding party, and anyone invited to that type of party needs to be invited to the wedding. Same goes for engagement parties, showers and bachelorette parties. It would be more appropriate to have something after the wedding.

EDIT: and no, don't mention gifts at all. It's rude to presume you'll be getting gifts, even if you're saying you don't want them. People will do what they want to do, so if you receive gifts, accept them graciously. And send thank you notes.

scoetto

Is FMIL's friend even invited to the wedding?

ab2826

I agree about the "no gifts please" being some what rude- that was also my FMIL's idea...
also, to answer scoetto- yes the host of the BBQ will be invited to the wedding.

I feel like having it before the wedding is going to be awkward as well, i wasn't sure if it was just me... I just don't know how to tell my FMIL this...
thanks for affirming my thoughts.

scoetto

I don't see a problem with having the bbq before hand, just without the "extra" people.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedding-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9faca8a2-fb9b-4eb5-bd8e-44e62757b957Post:3aae9133-5fb0-4fa2-94c9-6b9b752e67ec">Re: Pre-wedding "reception"?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree about the "no gifts please" being some what rude- that was also my FMIL's idea... also, to answer scoetto- yes the host of the BBQ will be invited to the wedding. I feel like having it before the wedding is going to be awkward as well, i wasn't sure if it was just me... I just don't know how to tell my FMIL this... thanks for affirming my thoughts.
Posted by ab2826[/QUOTE]

Have your FI (her son) talk to her about it and explain that you both feel that it would be rude and awkward to invite people who aren't invited to the wedding, and that you would love to have the party, but have it after the wedding and then invite those that couldn't be included at the actual wedding.