Declining a gift? (long)

waterflower

So my wedding was one week ago today (whoo one week anniversary!), and my MIL's gift to me - not the both of us, just to me - has been making me feel increasingly guilty the more I look at it.

My DH is 100% Chinese, so during the wedding, wedid the Chinese tea ceremony for his mom and my dad (only remaining parents), and it's apparently customary to give gifts at this time.  His mom gave me a very beautiful diamond bracelet and I wore it for the remaider of the reception.  Now, I had a feeling she was going to get me some jewelery, and after attempts by both myself and DH to thwart this, and we thought we did, she went ahead and got me something anyway.  I don't really wear jewelery aside from my rings with any real frequency, so this was something I didn't feel would get worn.

When we got home the next day, I was going through all of the receipts I had scattered around from my own wedding purchases, and needless to say, I found hers.  The bracelet was $3,300.00. 

I have it on pretty good authority (DH's) that this was not something she could readily afford, and found out this past Monday when we were depositing our wedding money that she needed to BORROW money from him to be able to afford it.  She paid him back, but... the fact that she felt the need to get me something this costly doesn't sit well with me.

I am the poster child for 'this is why we can't have nice things.'  I am very nervous and uncomfortable wearing something like this and it's one of those things that can really only go with an overly-fancy outfit, anyway, so it will probably just sit in my jewelery box 99% of the time, anyway.

MIL doesn't speak English very well, so when I said something to her along the lines of "are you sure?  it's too much!" she just smiled and kept saying "no problem!"  It's difficult for me to convey exactly WHY it's too much for me, and DH is obviously no help, since he knew what she was doing to begin with!

Should I just drop the whole thing and accept the gift, or should I try to give it back?  I don't want to come across as ungrateful but I'd feel really bad if it just stayed locked away.


tl;dr: MIL got me a costly bracelet that was out of her price range, I am uncomfortable even owning, and will probably never wear.

joleri23

I would just accept the gift. I know it's not really your style and you feel bad, but look at it this way: your MIL is just trying to show you how happy she is to have you in her life, and she was probably so proud to give you such a lovely gift. Keep it as an heirloom and wear it on special occasions.

Avion22

I think in this case you risk seriously offending her if you return the gift.  You should keep it.   She ovbiously wants you to have it, and it made her happy to give it to you.  Wear it when you know you'll see her -- and just maybe it will grow on you and you'll come to see it as a symbol of her accepting you into her family:-)   

Peledreamsofrain

Definitely don't decline the gift. It would be rude in US culture, and if I remember my tea ceremony etiquette correctly, deeply insulting in hers. From what I remember, it is a point of pride to give the nicest possible gift that you can possibly get your hands on, as a sign of esteem and respect for the recipient. She really loves you, make sure you and your husband take her out to a very nice restaurant, and wear the bracelet .

SKPM

Ditto PP. To refuse it just implies that you don't think she can afford it which would likely insult her. Nothing says that you have to wear it frequently, but it was clearly important to her that she give it to you. Graciously accept it and wear it when you want to. And thank her properly, of course.

AdeleDazeem

I find it odd that you had the receipt for the thing, but okay.

I would NOT go to her and explain why you think you know more about her finances than she does.  I just wouldn't - would you like it if someone did that to you?  She bought you a beautiful gift.  Accept it.  Wear it on special occasions and cherish it. 

itzMS

I would absolutely keep it.

Step-MIL gifted me a pearl and diamond earring/necklace set. It's not my style, but I still wore it and will wear it from time-to-time when I'm visiting with her. Plus, it will be nice to keep in the family if I have a daughter or granddaughter someday.

waterflower

Thanks for the responses!  I guess my mentality is more along the lines of "I'd never wear it and that'd be insulting, too!"  But I guess it's understandable and the lesser of the two evils.  I just remember getting some questionable gifts when DH and I were still dating and getting guilted with the "Why don't I ever see you wear that? :< "

I'd just feel terrible if something happened to it.  Maybe it's time to see about getting it insured or something, and wearing it when we go to fancy places lol.  Which is maaaybe once a year lol

AdeleDazeem

Insuring it is not a bad idea.  That way if something did happen to it, it could be replaced without even a word :-)

waterflower

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_declining-a-gift-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0570350-7cff-4052-9eb7-8dd5d561ee82Post:936710df-cee7-4a87-9bcd-6c60ee785e28">Re: Declining a gift? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I find it odd that you had the receipt for the thing, but okay. I would NOT go to her and explain why you think you know more about her finances than she does.  I just wouldn't - would you like it if someone did that to you?  She bought you a beautiful gift.  Accept it.  Wear it on special occasions and cherish it. 
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

I only came across it because DH had tossed it on a table with all of my other receipts, and since most of them were from Macy's, I just figured it was another of mine.  Though discussing her finances with her wasn't something I was jumping at the chance to do, she's pretty transparent with everything like that since she has both DH and I pay bills for her with her money, deposit and withdraw it for her, and manage her retirement stuff.  I'd never come out and say "you can't afford it and I know it."  It was just something that since I knew, it made me feel a bit guilty.

s-aries8990

Don't feel guilty, she must have got you such a beautiful piece because she likes you.

Keep it, insure it, wear it only when you feel comfortable, and keep it for future generations.

wrigleyville

I would accept it graciously and not say another word along the lines of, "Are you sure?"

I understand your feelings - I don't own any diamonds - but I would make sure to send her a very nice thank you card and then try to wear it any time you go to a wedding as a family. You could even pair it with a sparkly red sweater for Christmas (or other appropriate holidays if you don't do Christmas).

My mother gave me a ring she's had since she was in high school. It's NMS, but it means a lot to her, so I wear it whenever we visit. I forgot to put it on before a recent trip, and she looked so crushed that I had to make up some story about having it cleaned because I got something down in the prongs. I felt bad for lying, but the moral is: try to wear it, as it will mean a lot to her.

waterflower

She lives with us, so she'd know how often I didn't wear it haha.  DH just told me that she doesn't expect me to wear it often, though, which is a relief.  I have a tendency to feel guilty when gifts meant to be worn go... un-worn.

Kate61487

definitely hold on to it; if nothing else you can give it to your daughter or dauhter-in-law some day. 

And diamonds go with everything - get it insured so you're not nervous about it, but then try wearing it some and see if you get more comfortable.  I'm picturing a diamond tennis bracelet, which  - while it definitely would go with an evening gown - would also go with a cocktail dress or a dressier work outfit.  Perhaps it's more intricate than that and really does scream super-fancy-dress-up.  but really nice jewelry can become every day jewelry if you get used to it.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_declining-a-gift-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0570350-7cff-4052-9eb7-8dd5d561ee82Post:ae044000-dc78-454f-82c6-790f3c5f28b1">Re: Declining a gift? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]She lives with us, so she'd know how often I didn't wear it haha.  DH just told me that she doesn't expect me to wear it often, though, which is a relief.  I have a tendency to feel guilty when gifts meant to be worn go... un-worn.
Posted by waterflower[/QUOTE]

Maybe make a point of wearing it any time you go out to a nice dinner, even if it's not super your style. That way, if she comments that you don't constantly wear it, you can say something like "oh, I love it being my special occasion jewelry. Every time I put it on for a nice dinner, I think of you."

artbyallie

I was going to say wear it when you go to visit, but she lives with you. (Um, yikes! Hope that will be changing in the very near future, because that's always a recipe for disaster, or at least resentment) I'd make an effort to wear it at least a couple times a year. For example, wear it to any wedding you go to. Or on a holiday or two. Nice jewelry doesn't necessarily have to be worn exclusively with eveningwear.

loca4pook

I would accept the gift. She must REALLY think it was necessary to buy if she was willing to borrow money...Also, culturally speaking, refusing a fgift is sometimes a huge sign of disrespect. You don't want to get on her bad side.

Keep it, you might wear it and it might be a nice heirloom some day...Let yourself be spoiled

AdeleDazeem

In Response to Re:Declining a gift? long:[QUOTE]She lives with us, so she'd know how often I didn't wear it haha.Posted by waterflower[/QUOTE]

Ooooh! I was thinking she just dropped receipts off at your house. Haha.

beardo1111

Definitely don't try to give it back and definitely get it insured. I'm sure she doesn't expect you to wear a diamong bracelet every day - think of it as an heirloom that you'll have forever and can pass on to your kids (if you're having them) one day.

erinlin25

Jewelry like that is not expected to be worn everyday anyway, so I'm sure she wouldn;t be offended if she didn't see you wear it all the time. My grandmother gave me a beautiful necklace for my 25th birthday, that I wear maybe once a year at special occassions.  I'm like you in gifts like that make me a little uncomfortable, for I would never want someone spending money like that on me... buts it sounds like culturaly this was what she wanted and shows deeply how much she cares for you.

aurianna

Echo what previous posters have said.

DEFINITELY get it insured.

And maybe I'm weird... but I wear most of my diamonds every day (e-ring, right-hand ring, earrings, pendant).
If I had a diamond bracelet I'd probably wear it everyday too assuming it was relatively simple.
Now I'm a code monkey that just goes to the office every day so I guess it depends on what your day-to-day is like.
But diamonds go with everything. They're meant to sparkle and look pretty and be worn. Maybe you'll get used to wearing it.

Also, I don't know if this goes into it at all, but I have a co-worker from China who told me traditionally it's the groom's family that pays for the wedding. This could also be part of that sort of wedding/dowry thing? *speculates*

hoffse

You should keep it and pull it out for special occasions.  My dad gave my mom a bracelet like this for their 25th anniversary and at first she was stunned and convinced she would never wear it.  She actually wears it a lot, and it comes out almost every holiday and anniversary and other special events.

To be honest I have a few pieces of jewelry that I build outfits around, which is sort of the inverse of what most people do.  Once in awhile I'm like, "I want to wear my grandmother's heirloom gold necklace" (and this thing has large GOLD beads all the way around, some of which are filigree - it's very very fancy) and so I find a nice top that will show it off and go from there.  This is a piece I would treat similarly.  FWIW, diamond bracelets look fantastic with a LBD, particularly if you have a pair of earrings to match.  No necklace with that outfit though - it's more dramatic that way