Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bridesmaid Drop-out

My bridesmaids are all my childhood friends. While they are extremely talented wonderful women, making money has never been a priority in life. This is fine. Our wedding is very budget friendly. I let the bridesmaids choose their own dresses (basic color) scheme and shoes. I purchased the jewelry. It's in our hometown where two of them live. My sister is my maid of honor and she threw an amazing bridal shower/bach. party, which none of the other three attended (it was in Arizona). This was also fine, since I had a lot of family instead. I'd be lieing if I didn't say I was a little dissappointed, but I still understood. Now my one bridesmaid is not sure she can come to the wedding at all due to cost to fly there. Two months before the wedding she is telling me "please don't replace me, I'm just not sure".

I know it is very, very unlikely she will attend.  However, I had no intention of replacing her. I am wondering what to do about the Ceremony program. I already have an extra name down on my bridesmaid side to honor my best friend who passed away two years ago. I think it'll be weird to list 5 bridesmaids and only have 3. I'd rather if people weren't questioning where the missing bridal attendent is. Should I keep the "undetermined" bridesmaid on there or would it be ok to take her off? The programs take some time to assemble, so I want to print them as soon as possible.
«1

Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out

  • Leave her on.  Honestly, most guests are not going to fuss about inconsistencies between what's on the wedding program and who is standing at the altar as a bridesmaid.
  • I would leave her in the program. I wouldn't think it would be hard at all to explain that "due to a conflict she wasn't able to travel."
    Lizzie
  • I would keep her on. If she does end up showing up and isn't listed it would be confusing, too. It's easier to explain that your BM couldn't make it, rather than leave her out and her end up feeling slighted.
    image
  • I would probably leave her on.  Also, can you talk to her about her financial status?  Maybe offer to pay for half of her flight, if you are in a position to do so?   If her being there is super important, maybe you can find a way to get her there.  Even do a bid on priceline for airline tickets.
  • I'd leave her in the program. It's far less confusing than to pull her name out and then have her there.  One of my friends had a bridesmaid drop out the week before the wedding because her board exams were rescheduled to the day of the wedding.  She couldn't miss the exams and ended up missing the wedding. No one questioned it. 

    I'd move your friend to a memorium section like Eagles suggested.  My cousin lost her best friend two months before the wedding, and was going to list her as an honorary bridesmaid, but instead created a memorium section in the program with a beautiful poem about love and friendship. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-drop-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a073760c-a4f2-4d0c-8961-a755f18dbe8bPost:01149c7d-ad6c-4b1b-9378-486cca92b6d6">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out</a>:
    [QUOTE]Leave her on.  I have to be honest, if I were a guest at your wedding I would be wondering why your best friend is listed as a BM when she has passed away. <strong> It's more appropriate to add her under a memoriam section. 
    </strong>Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this. Leave your bridesmaid in there, and take your deceased friend out (and put her in the memory section). Although its a very sweet gesture to remember your friend that passed, I also think that might confuse your guests even more (unless they know the circumstances).
  • Leave in the friend that might not make it. Any way you could cover part of her air fair? Move your friend that passed to a memorial section like PP recommended. Usually, deceased friends can be listed as attendants but only if they were asked before they passed. Then it's appropriate to put a little cross next to their name. I'm sorry for your loss.
    September 2012 Siggy Challenge: Wedding Preview!
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker

    122image 110image 12image
  • I don't think it would matter much having her on the program. At a friends wedding, my best friend was supposed to do a reading but her relationship ended with her boyfriend, brother of the groom, two weeks prior and opted out of attending. No one said a word, except for myself and our close friends because we missed having her there.
  • Can't you wait a little while to print your programmes? If your wedding is still two months away, I would hesitate to print them and see where she's at in a few weeks. You never know: you might end up making last-minute changes to readings or song choices... 



  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-drop-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a073760c-a4f2-4d0c-8961-a755f18dbe8bPost:ed0e6631-a100-48c2-b087-63e0842e130d">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out</a>:
    [QUOTE]Leave her on.  Honestly, most guests are not going to fuss about inconsistencies between what's on the wedding program and who is standing at the altar as a bridesmaid.
    Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]



    I agree.

     
  • I absolutely know what you're going through.  I had 2 bridesmaids drop out.  1 did it very soon after I had asked her once she found out what the cost of everything was going to be and realized she couldn't afford it.  No problem.  The other one just dropped out last month (wedding is in 9 days) because her husband is being deployed a week after the wedding.  I did not have my programs done at the time and therefore took both girls off of the list.  So it wasn't that big of a deal for me.  As for leaving your bridesmaid on, if the programs are already printed, then I wouldn't stress about it.  If they aren't printed then you can do whatever you feel is best.  Bottom line is, you won't remember this as being a problem in a few years when you look back on your wedding.  Try not to beat yourself up about it.  Smile
  • I absolutely know what you're going through.  I had 2 bridesmaids drop out.  1 did it very soon after I had asked her once she found out what the cost of everything was going to be and realized she couldn't afford it.  No problem.  The other one just dropped out last month (wedding is in 9 days) because her husband is being deployed a week after the wedding.  I did not have my programs done at the time and therefore took both girls off of the list.  So it wasn't that big of a deal for me.  As for leaving your bridesmaid on, if the programs are already printed, then I wouldn't stress about it.  If they aren't printed then you can do whatever you feel is best.  Bottom line is, you won't remember this as being a problem in a few years when you look back on your wedding.  Try not to beat yourself up about it.  Smile
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-drop-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a073760c-a4f2-4d0c-8961-a755f18dbe8bPost:cb757bee-44bd-4861-90b0-04c05674e9dd">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out</a>:
    [QUOTE]  Bottom line is, you won't remember this as being a problem in a few years when you look back on your wedding.  Try not to beat yourself up about it. 
    Posted by m_reagle[/QUOTE]

    I disagree with this. If she does make it, and she's not on the program, that would be really really disrespectful and could cause a rift in the friendship. Better to list her and her not be there, than the other way around.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • I agree with alot of people to just leave her in it and hope she will make it. I do see were it could be frustraing. We just picked our day and a good 90% of our guest will have to fly in for the wedding so we planned it over a year from now to account for plane fairs. In my opion if you gave her ample time to get everything to gether she should be there. I understand about plan tickets being expensive but if you get them months in advance the prince is a lot lower. I would be freaking out in your sitution I hope you get it settled
  • I agree. Keep her on. The program is such a minor detail and none of your guests are going to care.
  • We aren't having a wedding "program." But I think that if she's saying please don't replace me, then she's probably trying to figure out means to make it there.
  • Leave her in. It will look like you expected her not to show. Then if she shows and her name is missing you may look like the bad guy by not having faith that she would be there.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I would definitely leave her on the program:-)
  • I have a question beyond the program. Have you thought about what happens if she doesnt show up and you have told your caterer how many people will be there? or the seating arrangements at your head table? How far in advance is your rsvp date? are you getting her a thank you gift? I would talk to her and say that these things are things you will have to consider. You need enough notice to give the proper numbers for seating and for food. Maybe ask her to let you know by the rsvp date. I would also see if you could help some way with the flight. i know its hard to afford with everything else you have to pay for. i wouldn't be in the financial situation to do so unless she could pay me back after the wedding. but I have found lots of people respect you when you explain to them why you need more notice. I have two maid of honors my sister and my best friend. My best friend had though about dropping out. We had a sit down and I told her it was up to her but I'd rather know sooner than later and i explained why. She took time to think about it and agreed to stay. She said she never really thought she would drop out but it forced her to make the decision and she feels good about it.
  • I had a maid of honor that dropped out the middle of may, which left me enough time to find someone else. My first bridesmaid moved up to that position and i found another bridesmaid. Now here we are approximately 3 weeks out from the wedding and the new maid of honor hasn't been very helpful. On top of that it seems she has been available when it's been convenient for her. Other times it is hard to get ahold of her via phone. She lives a few blocks over and was supposed to come over a couple times this week, but has failed to make an appearance. I am about to go over to her place and say look if you are not going to be part of the wedding, please let me know. Although my future mother in law and grandma in law wouldn't be very happy considering them have put together the dresses for the wedding and would need to do more changes if I had to pick someone else considering the dresses are made to fit each person. I know she is going through alot of personal issues right now, but instead of dealing with them, she is making excuses for staying at home and constantly saying she is sick and depressed. The last thing I want is the day of the wedding her call and say..ohhh I can't come because I am not feeling well. I don't know whether i should hope it all works out just keep her informed of upcoming dates of things to attend or be upset and say look if you aren't committed to helping out with the wedding, when you asked to be in it, then I need to find someone else? Any suggestions?
  • How far in advance was this planned?
    If she agreed months and months ahead of time, then there are few good reasons as to why she didn't get it figured out by now. I would keep her on the program, however.
  • I would explain to the bridesmaid that because you'll be printing out your programs soon, she'll need to give you an answer on whether she can come to the wedding or not ASAP. And then give her a deadline, if she's still undecided, I would just add her. It would be best to have her name on there, and she not show up, than the other way around. 
  • I agree with most people that one extra name on the program isn't going to cause that much commotion with the guests. However, in response to danilettuce, even if you confirm with the caterer and on seating arrangements, one extra person shouldn't cause that much of a problem. I do agree with the thank you present but you can always get one and mail it to her at a later date if you are that concerned. I think stressing over catering and seating arrangements is a little ridiculous.
  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2012
    Leave her on.
    I had a fiend trying to break into films in LA.  The wedding day conflicted with a tryout she had,
    Should she have given up the opportunity of a lifetime to b a bridesmaid?
    Think about it.
  • It may be too late for any advice, and anyway you got a lot of great advice from previous posts.  I just wanted to make you feel better by sharing what happened to me:

    We had a small wedding: one maid of honor and one best man.  The best man, we completely paid for his outfit, we completely paid for his hotel rooms (it was out of town for him), we completely paid for his dinner, and because it happened to be his birthday weekend, we were planning on buying a cake for him for the rehearsal dinner and paying for his alcohol AND the rehearsal dinner.  All he had to do was drive there (4 hour drive), pay his own gas, and we would even let him sleep at our house the night before so it wasn't a long drive.

    Pretty sweet deal, right?  More than fair?  So what does he do... 4 days before the wedding he calls and says he's not coming because "money is too tight."  At this point everything is beyond the non-refundable part, so we lost on everything and had to scramble for a literal last-minute best man stand-in.  The groom's mom ended up doing it, which was great, but it was just so frustrating, and needless to say really ruined our friendship with him.

    I hope everything worked/works out for you.  I understand when money is tight, and think it's awesome when the Bride/Groom can help their party as much as possible, but when someone makes a committment, unless something really big comes up they need to stick to it, too.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-drop-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a073760c-a4f2-4d0c-8961-a755f18dbe8bPost:cb757bee-44bd-4861-90b0-04c05674e9dd">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out</a>:
    [QUOTE]I absolutely know what you're going through.  I had 2 bridesmaids drop out.  1 did it very soon after I had asked her once she found out what the cost of everything was going to be and realized she couldn't afford it.  No problem.  The other one just dropped out last month (wedding is in 9 days) because her husband is being deployed a week after the wedding.  I did not have my programs done at the time and therefore took both girls off of the list.  So it wasn't that big of a deal for me.  As for leaving your bridesmaid on, if the programs are already printed, then I wouldn't stress about it.  If they aren't printed then you can do whatever you feel is best.  Bottom line is, you won't remember this as being a problem in a few years when you look back on your wedding.  Try not to beat yourself up about it. 
    Posted by m_reagle[/QUOTE]i agree<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cool.gif" border="0" alt="Cool" title="Cool" />

    <div id="ynano_hooks_page" style="display:none;"></div><div id="ynano_hooks_page" style="display:none;"></div>
  • Am I the only one who thinks you should take her off?? First I think she needs to give you a definite answer. Sorry to her that she isn't sure. But you know what, you've got a wedding to plan and you really shouldnt have to deal with flaky bridesmaids. She needs to let u know ASAP if she will be there, otherwise why list someone as a bridesmaid when they're not even there??
  • Seriously Programs are such a waste of paper, energy and money. I'm not having a program, Ive gone to weddings where they programs end up on floor, in the trash and no one really cares about them. Just my two cents, I dont know why some brides bother with these ridicoulus small detials that no one cares about.
  • I feel like money is such a lame excuse, if your friend gives you ample notice that she wants you be a bridesmaid in your wedding and you agree to it you should understand the responsbility that comes along with it and start saving if you know you wont have money readily available for wedding-related expenses like the dress. To me that just says "You're not important enough to me to put away a few bucks each week so I can afford to be in the wedding". If she really wants to be in, shed find a way!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-drop-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a073760c-a4f2-4d0c-8961-a755f18dbe8bPost:df7f60cf-a104-49ea-8c9d-cf9177c442c7">Bridesmaid Drop-out</a>:Leave her in, I had a bridesmaid decide not to come the mornign of...yea.  No one noticed.
    [QUOTE]My bridesmaids are all my childhood friends. While they are extremely talented wonderful women, making money has never been a priority in life. This is fine. Our wedding is very budget friendly. I let the bridesmaids choose their own dresses (basic color) scheme and shoes. I purchased the jewelry. It's in our hometown where two of them live. My sister is my maid of honor and she threw an amazing bridal shower/bach. party, which none of the other three attended (it was in Arizona). This was also fine, since I had a lot of family instead. I'd be lieing if I didn't say I was a little dissappointed, but I still understood. Now my one bridesmaid is not sure she can come to the wedding at all due to cost to fly there. Two months before the wedding she is telling me "please don't replace me, I'm just not sure". I know it is very, very unlikely she will attend.  However, I had no intention of replacing her. I am wondering what to do about the Ceremony program. I already have an extra name down on my bridesmaid side to honor my best friend who passed away two years ago. I think it'll be weird to list 5 bridesmaids and only have 3. I'd rather if people weren't questioning where the missing bridal attendent is. Should I keep the "undetermined" bridesmaid on there or would it be ok to take her off? The programs take some time to assemble, so I want to print them as soon as possible.
    Posted by Gilfly[/QUOTE]
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards