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Strippers and porn, oh my

I know we did one of these threads a few months (years?) ago, but since we have a lot of new people I thought it would be interesting again.

What is your take on strippers, porn, etc when it comes to your bf/fi/dh?

Personally I have a lot of self esteme issues when it comes to these things. I know it's stupid but I can't help it. Dh found this out one night when I came home and found a web site he forgot to close and freaked out on him. Part of my baggage I guess.

Re: Strippers and porn, oh my

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    For me, I was glad that he didn't have strippers at this bachelor party, though I wasn't concerned about him having any. If he's going to a bachelor party, I always tell him, if there are strippers, fine, whatever, there's nothing I can do. Just don't shove our money into her thong or bra.

    As far as porn goes, I know that he looks at it, and I'd rather that he didn't, but I'm not his mom, you know. I have no idea if he's looked at any or not since we got married, but if he has, it's not affecting our sex life negatively or anything, so wouldn't make a fuss.

    Now, if he was spending money on porn sites and was choosing to watch naked chicks on the computer than to have sex with me, I'd feel differently, and the same logic goes for strippers.
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    polichikpolichik member
    First Comment
    edited February 2010
    I'm training to become a sex therapist, and the porn that's produced today has actually been shown to reduce the brain's capacity for empathy. The vast majority of porn (I'm talking about porn, not erotica, which shows two consenting adults in a realistic, emotional fashion) focus on the objectification of women, showing simulated rape, simulated child-sex, and a variety of other fantasies.  Even though having fantasies is usually harmless, excessive viewing of actual human beings acting out the fantasies can have disastrous consequences.

    Most men can and do view porn without adverse consequences. But, fantasy or not, I can't endorse something that shows women as objects receiving sex (or "being fucked") as opposed to active, consenting participants to sex.  It's disrespectful and opens up a very scary door to guys thinking that "no means yes." One of my friend's 8-year-old brothers was found forcing his female cousin to perform fellatio on him during a holiday gathering. When asked WTF happened, he said he was just acting out the movie he saw on his brother's computer.

    Porn has consequences. It doesn't turn good men into horrible people, but I think it's ridiculous when people take a cavalier, "It's harmless" attitude. Sometimes it's harmless, but not always.

    So, to answer the question (and hop off my soapbox), I'm against anything that objectifies and commodifies the female body. Fortunately, FI is in the same camp. If he wasn't, I could deal with it, but we'd need to understand and respect the other's opinion.

    ETA: This is very long! I've been out late and have had a heck of a week, so please forgive me if verb tenses are imperfect :)
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    In my previous marriage my ex would start looking at porn the moment I stepped out of the house, he would send our children to bed at 6PM(without dinner)while I went to work and watch it. When I would come home he would be violent and abusive and say things to me about not being able to do what he saw other girls doing in a movie and how he thinks about doing this and that to my other friends or some girl he saw that he thought would be good in bed. and just tons of stuff involving other naked women and degrading me verbally, emotionally and physically.

    Now, i realize that is extreme...I believe he is a sex addict, after all and he suffers from bipolar disorder and does not have the ability to emphasize with others.(Like Poli was saying) -strangely many years later he and I are kinda "friends"- for the kids of course...so I know he still has these problems.

     I find myself greatful to be in a situation now where my hubby has no desire to watch porn or go to strip clubs. I felt myself let out a sigh of relief when his friends were visiting for the wedding and trying to get him to go to a strip club and he said no...and not only no but after asking him several times he wen't on his own soapbox about not objectifying women and a woman who wants to rub her boobs in your face to get your dollar bill is gross and then said "If I really wanted that I'd ask Kimberly to do it for me, but I never would because I love her and would never want to degrade her." They looked at me though..I think they thought it was because of me...but I never said he couldn't go...I was just happy he didn't want to...and didn't tell him that until we were alone much later that night. I am sure  my joy over it had something to do with my ex.

    Also, I did have a friend that was a stripper who worked at one of the classy/upscale places where all the girls are super mega beautiful and she filled me in on a LOT of crazy exploits, the use of code words when they expected police were there, AND the exra special treatment of B parties...so that made it worse LOL

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_strippers-porn-oh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0955709-bc45-491c-961a-5c0c428612a8Post:8d280dee-f502-4685-a8e8-e324534f403c">Re: Strippers and porn, oh my</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm training to become a sex therapist, and the porn that's produced today has actually been shown to reduce the brain's capacity for empathy. <strong>The vast majority of porn</strong> (I'm talking about porn, not erotica, which shows two consenting adults in a realistic, emotional fashion) focus on the objectification of women, <strong>showing simulated rape, simulated child-sex</strong>, and a variety of other fantasies.  .

    Eh- I have to respectfully disagree.  When porn becomes an obsession then it becomes a problem.  But I think lots of guys watch porn, and dont want to rape women or have sex with children.  Im sure my guy browses it once in awhile, it doesnt bother me, and I dont think he wants to bang kids.

    I also think porn creates problems when insecurities are invlolved.  If I went crazy everytime he went to a strip joint for a bachelor party, or anytime he watched porn or looked at a nudie mag, then I would be creating a problem.  On the other hand, if doing these things was consuming his life, I would be right to have a problem with it.

    I think the majority of guys have a normal perspective on porn.  I think the ones with problems are a minority.  And the ones who like the rape stuff and kiddie porn are just sick, but an even smaller minority.
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    But I think lots of guys watch porn, and dont want to rape women or have sex with children.

    I totally agree with you. I don't think many men actually want to act out these fantasies, but the majority of porn shows the "no means yes" idea, with the woman initially resisting, the man taking her by force, and then her enjoying it later on. Hustler, the more "mild" porn producer, produces many films, the most popular of which is called "I'm Only Squirteen." Even though the "actress" is of age, she's dressed to seem like she's not.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_strippers-porn-oh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0955709-bc45-491c-961a-5c0c428612a8Post:3a94e063-83d0-45b0-a7a7-f5d5d2a36d56">Re: Strippers and porn, oh my</a>:
    [QUOTE]But I think lots of guys watch porn, and dont want to rape women or have sex with children. I totally agree with you. I don't think many men actually want to act out these fantasies, <strong>but the majority of porn shows the "no means yes" idea</strong>, with the woman initially resisting, the man taking her by force, and then her enjoying it later on. Hustler, the more "mild" porn producer, produces many films, the most popular of which is called "I'm Only Squirteen." Even though the "actress" is of age, she's dressed to seem like she's not.
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

    I have to disagree with this.  I've watched a good amount of porn, as has my H, and I can honestly say I've only seen a couple of videos that show any sort of "no means yes" idea. 

    Yes there is a good deal of it out there, but I don't think it's the majority of the porn.  You still have to search it out.  If you're searching it out then the idea is already in your head.  So agan, it's not the porn that's a problem.  It's the veiwer.
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    I'm not wild about either, but I trust FI so if it's something he wants to do, 1) he'd be truthful, and 2) he'd be respectful, so ultimately I don't care.  I don't see the point, but I don't care.
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    I think women who have issues with their men watching porn are actually just pushing their own insecurites about themselves onto their partners, and thats not fair.  It's porn.  Guys like it.  So do a boatload of women.  Whats the BFD?  As long as there isn't an dependancy issue or other out of the ordinary problem with it, it's harmless.    I liken its absurdity up there with women who get mad that their significant other masterbates because "they shouldnt want to do that by themselves when they have me." 

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    Betrothed, I'm not sure what sort of porn you watch and where it comes from (DVD versus internet, free site verses subscription), but a lot of the "amateur" porn does involve a certain degree of force. I'm not saying that all of it does, but it often depicts human beings as objects. It hasn't always been that way, but there have been a lot of changes over the last decade.

    http://www.healthysex.com/pdfs/%22Out-of-the-Shadows%22-Article-11-2009.pdf

    This is a fabulous article... If anyone has the time, it's well worth a read. It's written by a sex-positive therapist who used to give couples porn to view together, but who has changed her view over the years as the porn industry evolved (devolved, maybe).
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_strippers-porn-oh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0955709-bc45-491c-961a-5c0c428612a8Post:73d8a52b-cc1e-46f2-9d83-0fa7d5d09720">Re: Strippers and porn, oh my</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think women who have issues with their men watching porn are actually just pushing their own insecurites about themselves onto their partners, and thats not fair.  It's porn.  Guys like it.  So do a boatload of women.  Whats the BFD?  As long as there isn't an dependancy issue or other out of the ordinary problem with it, it's harmless.    I liken its absurdity up there with women who get mad that their significant other masterbates because "they shouldnt want to do that by themselves when they have me." 
    Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE]


    In my case I agree. All of my issues with porn stem from the ex before Dh chosing porn over me. Because of that it makes it very difficult for me to not go to a very dark place if I think of Dh watching porn.Mentally it's the same as if an ex cheated on you with a hot chick, and now you get insecure if your dh is hanging out with hot friends. Yes I trust him and know he loves me, but I also trusted and thought my ex loved me too. The one time I brought it up with my ex he said I was the problem. Well, maybe if you didn't spent 100% of your waking time playing WoW and looking at porn instead of working or spending time with me I wouldn't be a problem?

    Luckily Dh does not like strippers/stripclubs. Apparently when he was younger he went to one with his Marine buddies and found his 3 year long gf dancing on the stage for money...that killed that quickly.
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    The first time BF and I hung out was at a strip club, so I have no problem with them. He used to go a lot before we met, but doesn't anymore. As for the porn, we watch it together sometimes and I'm sure he watches it alone. It doesn't bother me, In fact I watch porn without him, which he knows and it's not a big deal.
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    I've gotten a little more lax about the idea of porn and even strip clubs, but I'm still glad that DH doesn't seem to be that into them.  Also, I totally agree with Polichik that anything that simulates forcing someone to have sex is not okay at all. 

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