My future mother in law says she's going wear an off-white / ivory dress???!!!

jodiemariecooksley

Ok, so for months I've been asking off and on if my FMIL has found a dress for our August 18th wedding and I even offered to go shopping with her several times to help her find a dress. She had said many times before she hadn't found anything and she turned down my offer to go shopping. This past weekend I asked her again as we only have about a month and half to go till the big day. I told her mymom is wearing a sapphire blue dress and asked her what color she is wearing. She said at first, she was wearing red shoes and looking for red jewelry. To go with what though? An offwhite sheath dress, she said. At the time I was kind of like, ok and didn't really say anything because alot of people were around, we were at our nieces birthday party so it wasn't a good time to have this discussion. I'm of the opinion and I don't think I'm alone here that the bride is the only one in white - even ivory which in my case I'm wearing an ivory dress and she should not be wearing an ivory dress. Isn't it a major wedding no no to wear white / ivory to a wedding no matter who you are if you aren't the bride? Should I let it go and let her wear whatever she wants or how do I broach this subject and suggest to her I want her to wear something else. This is going to be my family and obviously my fiance doesn't understand the whole fashion faux pas thing. I haven't mentioned it to him yet, he has no clue.

Suggestions??

Girlie1030

She is in the wrong, but I'd let it go if I were you. 

Summer2011Bride

I would definitely side-eye an MOG wearing ivory, but I don't think there's much you can do at this point. I understand why you didn't want to make a big thing of it at your niece's b-day, but I feel like, since you told her earlier you were fine with it, you can't really come back now once she's bought it and say, "Never mind. I actually don't want you to wear it."

It sucks, I agree, but you will still stand out as the bride, so I would probably let her wear it and get the side-eyes from people.

jodiemariecooksley

Yeah, that's what I'm just trying to do, I think my future sister in law even gave me a look when she said she was wearing ivory but we both ignored it. I guess it just bugs me. I guess I'm thinking that other people will notice it and say something like "I can't beleive she's wearing white" etc.

Winnertag1

She is definitely out of line but I wouldnt say anything to her as it was cause unneccesary drama. Everyone will be side-eyeing her for doing that. I dont understand how naive someone will have to be to wear a white/sheer dress to a wedding - you're son's wedding as well, it looks very petty.

jodiemariecooksley

Good advice. I didn't want to even begin to have that conversation.

lyndausvi

I would let it go.  She is the one who will look ridiculous.  

Red shoes with an off-white dress?  I'm guessing she likes attention?  

I would still mention it to your FI.  I would approach it like "you know your mom is wearing a white dress with red shoes and jewelry?".    Maybe he can tell her that is not appropriate without making you look like the bad guy?.

 

AJG456

how close is your FI to his mom? Is it possible that something about her dress may come up in conversation and he could say something like "Its ivory Mom?  Hmmm...i wonder if people might think thats a little strange, just since its a wedding at all. Maybe just something to think about." or something along those lines?  She's a grown up so you can't tell her what to wear, but maybe if her son plants the seed that white may not be an awesome idea she might reconsider?

pokepoke27

Yeah, I would definitely side eye someone wearing white or ivory to a wedding.

But maybe you should ask to see what she's wearing. H emailed me some pictures of MILs dress before the wedding because she wanted to make sure I liked it. While it was loading I asked H what it looked like and he said it was "white". This is what she wore:

I personally didn't find it offensive, although some people might say there is too much white. My point is that she may have just been being vague - there might be a lot of red in the dress (hence the shoes and jewelry). 

TBH, I wouldn't make a big deal about this. It does suck if she wears a completely ivory dress to the wedding, but she'll look like a fool and everyone's eyes will be on you. Just think of it this way - is it really worth potentially causing a problem over?

MyUserName1

I'm surprised your FSIL didn't say anything to her.  Are you friends with/close to FSIL?  If so, perhaps you could ask her "Hey, have by any chance said anything to your Mom about her choice of dress?  It doesn't bother me, but I'd hate for other people to think less of her because of her dress choice"

RebeccaB88

If your FSIL heard her say it, is there a chance that she will mention it's inappropriateness to FMIL, so you don't have to say anything at all?

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-future-mother-in-law-says-shes-going-wear-an-off-white-ivory-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0e46757-dddb-427e-933f-901ca00d1c09Post:5d81c513-f771-4c5c-89c0-ec877bf4c0c7">Re: My future mother in law says she's going wear an off-white / ivory dress???!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm surprised your FSIL didn't say anything to her.  Are you friends with/close to FSIL?  If so, perhaps you could ask her "Hey, have by any chance said anything to your Mom about her choice of dress?  It doesn't bother me, but I'd hate for other people to think less of her because of her dress choice"
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

Yeah if this is FI's sister we're talking about, this is what I would probably do.

runpipparun

I actually read a letter to a columnist who wrote an etiquette book about this from the MOB. Apparently MOG bought a WEDDING DRESS to wear to the wedding. Off-white, strappless, full-length, the whole nine-yards.

The author said to let it go and let people talk about MOG, since everybody, everybody knows that that is the bride's color, and clearly she is trying to stir-up trouble. If the son wants to address it, he can, but the bride should stay out of it. If she ends up wearing it, then people will merely congratulate you on being such a laid-back lady.

lahlah12bk

Totally agree about letting it go because she'll look clueless at best if she wears off-white.  If you truly care enough about her that you dont want people talking behind her back, I would say something, or let FSIL say something gently. 

That said, the way she said it (by mentioning the red shoes first) indicates to me that she knows this is a faux pas and is doing it anyway. Let 'em talk.

Kate61487

I'd probably prod FSIL or FI to see if they'll mention it.  Like PPs said it can really come from a place of "are you sure that's a good idea?  people will talk" standpoint because, believe me, they will.  But beyond that there's nothing you can do without looking bad, so just try to let it go.

And maybe plan for her to stand in the back row of most photos ;-)

lauraanne9

I agree to not say anything.  She is the one who is going to look insecure (wearing white to a wedding when not the bride makes you look like you are not ok with the attention the bride will get and not you).

That said...if she is the type to be upset later if she learns she made a major etiquette mistake, maybe speaking with her, or having someone else do it. would be a good idea.  And this IS something that will be commented on (We are still talking about the bright red, inappropriately short, cleavage bearing dress my friend's aunt wore to her wedding).  Maybe put it in the guise of "so you don't have this experience".  I know I would rather someone break etiquette to tell me I am embarrasing myself rather than let me do it.  But that is my personality.

blgrout

My MIL had picked out a cream colored dress for herself for our wedding, and I bit my tongue when she told me.  I was annoyed but decided it wasn't drama to say anything.  Well,  my BIL (who has no problem stirring drama), pointed it out to her (and it was amazing to me that he even knew about that being a faux pas, but that's another story).  She was really embarrassed by it, and had not even thought about how it would come across if she wore white/cream/ivory/whatever.  So maybe she just didn't realize that she is committing a no-no.

whitsy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-future-mother-in-law-says-shes-going-wear-an-off-white-ivory-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0e46757-dddb-427e-933f-901ca00d1c09Post:26972064-2da4-4dc6-b124-798dd9a3d601">Re: My future mother in law says she's going wear an off-white / ivory dress???!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]She's definitely out of line, IMO. I mean, it's pretty much the ONE color to stay away from. However, I'm not sure what you can really do without making it a bigger deal. I would just hold your head up, remember that everyone's eyes will be on you, and all of the side-eyes will be solely on her.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

<div>Definitely.</div><div>
</div><div>I can't even imagine how a conversation like that would go because my MIL would take it as trying to start a war with her. And I think it would look weird coming from your FI, because I would think most guys wouldn't even bat an eye at that.</div>

NOLAbridealmost

I guess I am crazy but I have always loved the cream/ivory/beige MOB/MOG look.  Diane Keaton just looked so damn classy in Father of the Bride wearing cream. I wouldn't bat an eye to see an MOB/MOG in that color as long as it was more of a suit/non-bridal gown style. 

Regardless, I wouldn't say anything or have FI say anything if it was me. It's just one of those things that are just not worth mentioning. 

[Deleted User]

I wouldn't say anything, maybe ask to see it.

Hey, my FMIL and FGMIL are wearing black pants suits!  I assured her I am fine with it because I know she had a really hard time finding something and I want her to be comfortable. (but FSIL did ask if this was a wedding or a funeral lol)

My dress is champagne/ivory and my mom told me she got a champagne dress I almost fell over (she was there when I bought mine!)  But really, her's is much darker than mine and almost a dark tan color.

melb2013

In the days when brides only wore white (like actual white), it was considered rude to wear real white to a wedding.  These days, brides wear every shade of white, ivory, beige, champagne, or pink.  One really can't expect guests or mothers to avoid such a vast array of colors.  I realize I'm alone here, but I don't think anybody will get your MIL confused with the you, the bride.  Is she wearing it to get attention?  Probably.  Does it matter?  Not at all.  Everyone will still pay attention to the girl in the big white dress and veil.

ceceibson

My next oldest sister [she's 56] was in town last week and we went shopping together.  One of the things she was looking for was a dress for my wedding.  She pulled a white, crocheted lace dress off the rack to try on and I literally gave her the side-eye.

I told my daughters [13 and 16] about it later and they both said right away that she'll look like the idiot.

jodiemariecooksley

I don't think I'm going to say anything at all. I did say something to my fiance last night about it and I said I was worried that people would talk about her behind her back. It's really more of a case of I don't want her to be embarrassed maybe - I'm honestly not sure if she realizes this. Ettiquette is very important to me, and I'm kind of noticing that his family is not really in tune to it seeing as almost all of his cousins have added on their children to their reply cards even though I correctly addressed them to the couple only and did not say "family" on them. We already had 250 guests invited and now the number is going even higher since we have hardly had any no's come back. I've already had to bite my tongue on that one and just let it go and allow them to bring their kids - even though none of my cousins are going to bring their kids - we wanted to limit it to first cousins only and cousins children would be second cousins - I think it's annoying that people can't figure that out and it's annoying to me that his family is the only one's that seem to not understand how the way I worded the invitations meant the adults only!!! I'm already trying to let it go and coming up with the ways to accomodate the influx of children at the wedding we weren't orginally expecting. I just think it's rude, and so is wearing a white dress - even if unintentional, because you are clueless to this faux pas. I guess she's just going to look like an idiot. I don't think anybody could upstage me no matter how flashy of red shoes they wear though, I have an unbelievable Mori Lee by Madeline Gardner gown that is going to be fabulous!

katelin318

I agree with everyone else that she will not upstage you and it's probably best to let it go, despite the breach of etiquette.  The one thing I will add, however, is it may be possible that she thinks this is a good idea, or even perhaps expected.  One of the previous posters mentioned Diane Keaton's white suit in Father of the Bride, and I went to a wedding a few years ago - formal, super traditional southern wedding, where I'm sure every etiquette rule was followed like scripture - and the bride's mother wore an elaborate champagne gown with spaghetti straps, tons of beading and sparkle.  She was even part of the processional and walked down the aisle alone before the bridal party.  I was a little surprised, but when I asked my friends about it they said it was common in southern weddings (this MOB was also fairly young-ish, probably mid-forties).  I still don't know if there's a way for you to bring it up to her (or have someone else bring it up to her), but I thought it might help to think that maybe that is her reasoning?

VJones1981

I'm so sorry....everyone has given you great advice, but all I can think about is that movie, I think it was Monster In Law, where the mother shows up in a big white dress!

jap6955

I am getting married the same day and my fmil is also wearing white and my grandmother is wearing ivory. I honestly could careless. I decided to have some fun with it. I went to Michaels and bought $5 veils one for each of them. I can't wait to take pics with all of us in our veils lol. I would just let it go. No one is going to mistake her for the bride. Just enjoy!