Wedding Etiquette Forum

Am I overreacting?

Give it to me straight, ladies.

Yesterday, I get a call from my BM asking me if she can invite one of the GM's FIs to my bachelorette party on Friday. The b-party has been planned for 6 months and is just 6 girls, all of whom I've known for almost a decade. I really like the GM's FI, but I don't know her very well, and I'd also then have to invite all of the other GM's FIs, of which there are three. So I told her that I felt badly, but that I'd like to keep the guest list as-is. I found out later that this BM had already asked my MOH the same question and gotten the same answer, but oh well.

So tonight, FI invites the GM's FI nd two other girls to come to his bachelor party (which is the same night as mine). Now his bach party is a co-ed party, but none of the BMs or I are going. I'm just feeling really frustrated, because I feel like it makes me look like a jerk that I wouldn't let them come to my b-party, but now they're coming to FI's. I also feel like it's strange that there's now a co-ed event the weekend of the wedding, but the bride won't be there. I know FI meant well, but I'm annoyed that he's basically not having a bachelor party anymore because of this stuff. It's not like we can take the invitation back, but I feel like this is going to make me look like a major b.itch.

I got three hours of sleep last night, and the last two weeks have been a ride on the crazy train, so it's quite possible that I'm just upset over nothing. WDYT?

Re: Am I overreacting?

  • Awww :(
    I think its ok you said to leave the guest list as is. Are Fi's groomsmens FI's (you follow? :P) local or out of town?
  • They're all OOT, so I feel even worse for not inviting them to my b-party. It just sucks, because originally FI's party was going to be over the summer, and his BM totally dropped the ball. They didn't even have anything planned until this afternoon. If I'd have known this earlier, we would've planned a different, larger b-party to include those girls. But it's too late. So, now I feel like it might come off as "Oh, Poli doesn't want you at your party. But Mr. Poli will let you come, I suppose." It's just awkward.
  • I don't see the big deal in inviting her.  Would it ruin your party to have one extra woman there?  I guess in the b-party's I've been to, the more the merrier. 
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  • edited September 2010
    I can see it as annoying..  but now-a-days.. bach parties are what the person wants to make it.  The old formula of bars and tits of Bach party is out the window (same with penis decorations and shots for girls).

    My sis had moms, aunts, grandmas, and friends at an all day pool party, at home wine tasting.. then all the girls went to the bar to dance their hearts out.  Her FI (DH as of Saturday!!!) went to a cabin on the lake with dads, brothers, BILs, friends, uncles to spend the weekend drinking, tubing, water skiing, beer ponging, etc.  Neither of those parties were typical by my definition.

    As long as FI has the party HE wants to have then it is okay in my book (assuming he doesn't cross any lines of inappropriate behavior or cheating, of course)

    Focus on the fact that your party is still exactly how you envisioned it and have a blast!!!!

    But- overall- yea.. I would be annoyed that these clingy girls can't leave their BFs alone for one night to have a bach party without feeling the need to be included in one form or another.  Unless they are OOT GFs and only in town that weekend- it is excessive.

    EDIT- I type slow.. since they are OOT - I hope they don't hold back the party for your FI and allow him and his friends to have a great night.  I think if they are game then the more the merrier!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-overreacting-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1b8131e-16bb-4536-add7-709c9fdab0d3Post:7a2572f9-d288-472d-8562-738b3239f5f0">Re: Am I overreacting?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't see the big deal in inviting her.  Would it ruin your party to have one extra woman there?  I guess in the b-party's I've been to, the more the merrier. 
    Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

    It wouldn't ruin it, no, but my MOH really went all out on this. She got us dinner reservations at this restaurant that you can't get into unless you call a month ahead (I didn't know places ike this existed outside of NYC, but hey). She's also made personalized favors, bought enough booze and food for everyone, and gotten enough air mattresses. She sounded pretty frustrated about the possibility of adding one person.

    I'd also need to invite the other three FIs if I invited her, and I really don't know them at all. I'm probably just being selfish, but I've been looking forward to this night with just my best friends for a while. I feel like it's turned into a damned if I do, damned if I don't sort of thing.
  • I would be annoyed, but at this point your FI has invited them, and I think if he changes his mind with the b-parties and wedding so close together, it might make things awkward on your wedding day.  I do not think you are wrong or a bad person for wanting to keep your bacheloerette party with the 6 people you already had planning to go. 

    I know it's hard, but I think you should do your best to not stress out about it.  You're getting married in four days!  When you think back on this time, these girls will not be high on your list of memorable things about your wedding, so just do the best you can to relax and enjoy yourself.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-overreacting-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1b8131e-16bb-4536-add7-709c9fdab0d3Post:ecb9e236-57b2-4cd5-aba8-34f34cf5e848">Re: Am I overreacting?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would be annoyed, but at this point your FI has invited them, and I think if he changes his mind with the b-parties and wedding so close together, it might make things awkward on your wedding day.  I do not think you are wrong or a bad person for wanting to keep your bacheloerette party with the 6 people you already had planning to go.  I know it's hard, but I think you should do your best to not stress out about it.  You're getting married in four days!  When you think back on this time, these girls will not be high on your list of memorable things about your wedding, so just do the best you can to relax and enjoy yourself.
    Posted by arbolita[/QUOTE]

    Very wise. My biggest worry is that FI won't get the party he wanted anymore, and also that I'm going to come across as selfish or a *gasp* bridezilla for not letting them come to my party. I know there isn't anything I can do about it, so I should just try to forget about it. It's just.... Ugh.
  • I see. Well honestly, I wouldn't feel too bad. I mean, it sounds like its kind of a private little party. As a FI of a groomsman I would not be offended in the least if I was not invited.
  • That's good to know, Roxy. I would feel the same way, but I didn't want to assume that others wouldn't be bothered by it.

    I just used a double negative. I must be tired :P

    I really appreciate everyone's responses.
  • edited September 2010
    I agree with Arb.  Your bachelorette party was planned exactly how you wanted it.  Don't feel bad about not wanting to change plans.  Just because someone wants to do something doesn't mean they should automatically get to.  It doesn't mean you should feel rude about not wanting to include her either.   Sometimes I want a pony but that doesn't mean I get one. 

    I can see how FI tacking them on can be aggravating.  I'm a huge planner and I would just be annoyed at the last minute shake up more than anything.  But its done.  If they're fine being co-ed, then I say just leave it.  It would cause too much of an issue than its worth to go back on it now.    That kind of sucks your FI won't get his male bonding time, but Im sure they'll still have fun.  You'll still have fun at your party.  Everyone wins.   

    edit: I wanted to add too, that I think its weird this girl wanted to come in the first place if she isn't actually your friend.   I could see if it was some 20 girl blowout, but wanting to come to a very close knit, small party when you aren't even really personal friends with the bride?   Thats just odd.  i would never put someone in that awkward position.  Hi, total lack of social graces. 

    I can't WAIT to see your wedding pictures btw!

    image

    "Whatever East. You're just mad I RSVP'd "lame" to your pre-wedding sleepover."
  • I don't think it's wrong of you to want only your closest friends to be at your bachelorette party. The BM asked, you said no. No big deal. Don't beat yourself up over it. As for your FI, that's his choice. I think it's weird he'd want girls at his Bachelor party, but whatever. You're not a bad person for wanting your party as it was planned and with whom (who?). I also don't think it's bad that it's an even the weekend of the wedding and you won't be there. I don't think a lot of people have their b-parties that weekend anymore, and it would have been the same scenario any other weekend.
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  • You've always seemed to me to be a really nice and level-headed person so I think you're probably just feeling the wedding stress and overthinking this.  If your FI chose to invite them that's up to him and I don't think it will reflect on you, so I wouldn't worry about it.  Yours and his mental images of what your bachelorette and bachelor parties will be like respectively are allowed to be different.  Just have fun at your bachelorette party!
  • You are DEFINITELY not overreacting, and totally not bridezilla at all. I would never be expected to be invited to one of FI's friends' FI's bachelorette parties. Even from OOT, that's just weird. I also wouldn't tag along to the bachelor party, double weird. Especially since there are 3 girlfriends, why wouldn't they do something together? Or enjoy the time alone? Really bizarre. Bachelorette parties are for the close friends of the bride! Especially the one your MOH planned! (Sounds super sweet, btw).
  • edited September 2010
    I don't think you're over reacting. It seems weird to me that your Fi is having a co-ed party but it's not a combined party for the two of you. That said, I asked my MOH to invite all of the girls our age to my hens party, so I'm not sure that I totally get the norms involved!
  • This is totally that girls fault for asking to go anyway.  Think about the stuff we say when someone invites themselves to the wedding?  That's what her response should have been.  Not to mention, this whole shindig has nothing to do with you, it's the planner's responsibility, and shame on this person for asking you AFTER she'd been told no by the planner.  Ridiculous.  Ah, the shenannigans people get up to for weddings.  It's annoying. 

    JUST GO HAVE FUN!!  I'm sure Mr. Poli didn't know how to react to it, but what's done is done, and let it be.  If he wanted a certain kind of party, he should have remembered that when he was asked, and frankly, again, LAME of those girls to even want to be invited. 

    YAY MARRIED!! EEK!  I'm super excited to see your pictures. :D
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-overreacting-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1b8131e-16bb-4536-add7-709c9fdab0d3Post:bec3a0ad-3ce3-4f6f-99e6-041523bea954">Re: Am I overreacting?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong> YAY MARRIED!! EEK!  I'm super excited to see your pictures. :D</strong>
    <p>Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>This from me too! x</p>
  • I would be pretty irritated by that to if I'm being honest.    Maybe you and your girls could meet up with your FI and his party later in the night and combine the parties?
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  • I think your party sounds really fun and sweet!  I wouldn't worry about it.  If your FI is disappointed that he didn't get the party he wanted, what's to say he cannot have a guys night/party in the future after wedding stress dials down?  I agree he probably didn't know what to do in the situation and so just decided to let them come.  

    Enjoy your wedding!  It will be fantastic and then be over, and these silly little wedding drama situations will be things of the past :).
  • I don't think you're overreacting.. your bachelorette party is your bachelorette party just like your wedding is your wedding. That would kind of be like someone inviting another person to your wedding that you didn't authorize...
  • Thanks so much, everyone. I've definitely calmed down about it, and your responses helped SO much. I think the thing that got to me the most is that FI is always thinking of other people, and I really think he's going to look back on this with disappointment. We just moved to San Francisco, and all of his friends live in Chicago, so this is literally his last chance to hang out with them until a year from now. I guess it's on him, since it was his choice, but I just hate to see something like this happen.

    You ladies are the best! I just went to my final fitting, and the dress fits like a glove :) Get ready for AW central soon!
  • I can't wait. Literally. I'm very excited for your wedding. I hope you have a fabulous bachelorette and a beautiful wedding day!
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  • I think it's fine to not want them at your bach party, esp when MOH made plans for a certain number of people.

    I think you're over reacting about FI's bach party. let him invite whoever he wants. Who cares? Also, he may know his GMs' FIs better since the GMs are his friends/family to begin with.

    My bach was an intimate party like yours, with just close friends. DH's was bigger, with both male and female friends. It was fine. We both had a lot of fun at our separate parties. Neither of us invited the same ppl to both our parties.

  • I wouldn't have changed my guest list either. Mine is just my BMs, no additional girls. And they're taking me to dinner and Cirque du Soleil in DC. So no one would really be able to join us for the CdS part anyway.
    9.17.2010
    planning

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  • not at all. it was planned foir 6 months and its your party. u shouldnt have to change for anyone but thats not would piss me off. them having a coed party is wayyy not cool especially since u arent going. who are these girls to but in on you FIs one and only Bachelor party with Bachelor being the key word. thats just rude. i get it he was trying to be nice and all but thats crazy and who are these girls to go. i would feel so uncomfortable and out of place if i was them, there are a couple of they so they could have just went out themselves OOT or not if they really wanted to go out. i think thats crazy and dont blame u for being annoyed at all.

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