Wedding Etiquette Forum

Dealing with FMIL and guest list...a bit long

Ok so here is the nitty gritty of my problem. FMIL is originally from England where the majority of her family still lives. I was very political and broke our guest lists into thirds for my parents, us and her (FI’s dad has passed away). Now I’m getting ready to start mailings and CAN NOT get her to send me the addresses that I’ve asked for multiple times. I started asking in February so I’m not expecting a weekend turn around here. I’ve emailed, called and had FI email and call (I’m west coast, she is east). FI and I are both very busy (he is at officer training for the Marines, I’m working full time and in grad school) and I am trying to get all the envelopes done during my next school break so they are ready to go. FMIL is not working, and calls her mother in England daily.

 

Since I only know about 10 of the 90 people she wants on our guest list, I have literally no contact information for them. I am pretty much stuck going through FMIL to get addresses. To top it off, she is certain that the majority will not even attend, she just wants them invited as to not to hurt feelings. BTW she is not contributing anything to the wedding, if that makes a difference, not even the outrageous postage to send invites across the pond.

 

SO, would I be totally out of line if I gave FMIL an ultimatum. Like “if I don’t have addresses by xx date they will not be invited”? Every time I ask her about them the answer is always, this weekend or tonight. But still no list….

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Re: Dealing with FMIL and guest list...a bit long

  • Sorry this posted twice, internet is crap here :)
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  • Maybe not an ultimatum... but definitely a deadline.
    Something like... "We need the addresses by X date or else these people can not be invited." It's all in the wording, so it doesnt' come across as sounding like an ultimatum, just a deadline that you're tied to, as well.
    And your fiance should be telling her this. It doesn't matter if he's busy, he needs to step up and deal with this himself, since it's his side of the family.
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  • Double post.
    Double post.
    Do you have FMIL's mother's phone number?
    Is your wedding in February 2011?  Maybe she doesn't get why you think the issue is so urgent, since it's 7 months away!

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  • I have talked to her on the phone multiple times. She belives that the invitations to England should be out now, I was planning on more like November. I would like to get them done during my school break and just sit on them so I can switch focus from wedding to school. Everytime we talk she understands the reasons why I want them, she just doesn't follow through. FYI have 3 weeks of no school between now and the wedding so I'm trying to wear a lot of hats here. My fiance has been talking to her just as much as I have, he has had no luck either.
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  • COkristiCOkristi member
    1000 Comments
    edited July 2010
    I'm guessing you are needing addresses 7 months in advance for save the dates, not invitations? I agree with Simply Fated, you are totally fine giving FMIL a deadline. She sounds like a PITA, good luck.

    ETA: Just saw your last post, if she thinks invites need to go out this early she is being ridiculous not giving you the addresses to make it happen. You're very responsible trying to get a head start on things during your school break.
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  • I am in a simular situation as you are. My wedding isn't untill May 2011. and I am doing my last semester of school in Sept-Dec. and I want to at least have all the addresses and stuff for our wedding before school starts as it will be tough planning the wedding and school. I gave my FMIL the deadline of about a week before school started after asking for them multiply times. The day after I politly explained that I needed to concentrate on school as of September and told her I needed them before Sept she gave my the addresses within a few days. (she still has to give me about 15 more but it has helped alot.)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealing-fmil-guest-lista-bit-long-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a295cba4-0daa-4998-9c6f-6f8b499e7960Post:7d61d150-2b37-4eb3-a75a-33d7161d4f6c">Re: Dealing with FMIL and guest list...a bit long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have talked to her on the phone multiple times. <strong>She belives that the invitations to England should be out now, I was planning on more like November.</strong> I would like to get them done during my school break and just sit on them so I can switch focus from wedding to school. Everytime we talk she understands the reasons why I want them, she just doesn't follow through. FYI have 3 weeks of no school between now and the wedding so I'm trying to wear a lot of hats here. My fiance has been talking to her just as much as I have, he has had no luck either.
    Posted by DanBry12[/QUOTE]
    Well, you can't do either, so I would definitely make sure she has a deadline and that's that.
    Give her until the end of two weeks from today, that still gives you one week before school starts to at least have them in your hands.

    BTW, she might have a point about the invitations to England. Now is way too early to send them, but if they need time to make travel arrangements, they should at least know by now they are invited.
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  • I do think it is way to early to send out invitations. And it makes no sense to me to send invitations to people in England that she thinks won't attend.

    I agree that you should set a dateline. There is no excuse for her not providing you with the addresses.
  • Thanks ladies!! Glad to know I'm not being a crazy nag.
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  • I would absolutely tell her that you need the addresses by a certain date and that without them, you won't be able to send the invitations and they therefore won't be invited. If she thinks they should be sent now (she's wrong), then it's pretty ridiculous she hasn't given you the information. If she doesn't comply with your date, then you know it's obviously not that important to her to have them invited.
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  • not trying to be mean, but if she doesn't care (since u've been asking her for months and she didn't do her only part of the work on thie whole planning, i assume she doesn't care about how important for you?) why would you care?

    give her another email or phone calls with the date you'd like her to send you the address, if she doesn't give them to you still, fine, that's her guests and her choice. when she finally gives them to you, you can probably just write up the envelopes when you have time, and when ur done, send them out. since most people won't be coming, i don't think it matters when they get the invites since it's not really your fault if they get it a lot later than your other guests.

    also, if the wedding is Feb 2010, no need to send out now. i have lots of out-of-countriers, and we send out 3 months in advance. that's plenty of time for them to plan for their travel and visa if needed...
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