Wedding Etiquette Forum
Options

International BM

I'm going to get reamed out for this one. I just know it. Regardless, I need to vent to someone that isn't my fiance, because I'm annoyed with him right now.

I have a BM that is from and lives in Germany (we'll call her GBM). She was my exchange student in high school. She came to visit me this year right after my FI and I got engaged, and she asked me several times if she could be a BM, because BMs don't exist in German tradition, apparently, and this was her one opportunity to partake in this tradition. I consulted you all and I was advised to just let her be a BM. So I said yes, she could be a bridesmaid, and she said "Oh, I was just joking, I'll have to give it some thought." I was a little shocked that she would ask me so many times if she was joking about it, but anyway, she emailed me to say yes, she would be a BM. I got GBM's budget for a dress (she said she would spend whatever, and later, I let her know the maximum the other girls gave me and she said okay, great).

I went dress shopping with my other four BMs and they all found a favorite dress. It was easy and I was really happy with their choice. I sent this choice to GBM and she said she did not like the back (the straps cross in the back and it requires a strapless bra). She sent me back a link to a J.Crew bridesmaid dress that was strapless and cost more. I sent the link around to my other BMs and they said they preferred the original dress.

When I told GBM about the consensus, she was upset. I told her she was welcome to buy any dress she wants in the BM color, navy blue, but she said she did not want to stand out from the other BMs by being the only one to wear this dress (and the other four all want to wear this original one). Yesterday, she said she would wear it if she could buy the floor-length version and hem the dress so that it came to just below the knee (the original comes to just about the knee). I said, no problem, whatever makes her happy. She asked what the shipping costs are - and international shipping not being cheap, now she's upset about what international shipping will cost her.

I know the right thing to do is just foot the international shipping costs, but I'm just really annoyed that she asked me to be a bridesmaid, I let her be one out of courtesy, and now I wish I hadn't. She's a friend, but I'm annoyed that a friend would put me in the position of guilting me into BM-ing her (even though it's because of the culture gap, I'm sure) and just make this a difficult ordeal. I really don't feel like doing her any favors. But because you all will encourage me to be a nice bride and because I'm a pushover in general, I will end up paying for her international shipping.

Flame away. I just needed to get this off my chest.

Re: International BM

  • Options
    I would find this really frustrating. I'm pretty go with the flow so it frustrates me when someone has issue after issue. I would just pay the shipping. I'd feel like the sooner I got this out of the way, the sooner I could go back to a peaceful existence.
  • Options
    I'll probably get flamed with you but everyone always says if a BM doesn't get the dress, she has taken herself out of the wedding party. I would just stick to your guns and say this is the dress we're going with for the bridal party.
  • Options
    itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Ship her the dress, with a nice note saying how excited you are that she'll be their on your wedding day blah blah blah

    and call it a day.

    Even if (worst case scenario) she completely ditches you or even shows up in a different dress, you still get to marry FI.
  • Options
    Just tell her that you can't foot the international shipping. It's not your responsibility and since she was so adamant about being a BM, it's on her.


    **Just an option**

    Is she coming state-side early? Can you help her find a next-day tailor for this hem? If she's coming out a few days early, can you hold on to the dress and help her go to a tailor here?
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Options
    Also, the BM store we're ordering from doesn't ship internationally, so the shipping quote we got is directly from the designer. Now GBM wants me to order the dress from the BM store for her (once she sends me her measurements), pay for it, pay to ship it internationally for her (which will cost $3 less than having it shipped from the designer) and then she'll wire money to me. I don't feel like dealing with this. There's no way it's worth saving $3.

    I'm just going to tell her that if she doesn't want to pay the fees that come along with asking to be a matching bridesmaid and living in another country, she can buy whatever dress she wants in navy blue. 
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_international-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2ea7b99-d125-4759-8691-794c160459dbPost:07c30076-0cce-4e8a-8cfb-cc7a77f52fcb">Re: International BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, the BM store we're ordering from doesn't ship internationally, so the shipping quote we got is directly from the designer. Now GBM wants me to order the dress from the BM store for her (once she sends me her measurements), pay for it, pay to ship it internationally for her (which will cost $3 less than having it shipped from the designer) and then she'll wire money to me. I don't feel like dealing with this. There's no way it's worth saving $3.<strong> I'm just going to tell her that if she doesn't want to pay</strong> the fees that come along with asking to be a matching bridesmaid and living in another country, she can buy whatever dress she wants in navy blue. 
    Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

    Instead of "doesn't want to" maybe you can say "can't" ? telling her if she doesn't want to may sound a little bit bratty, kwim? But that could just be my personal interpretation of that phrasing.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Options
    I don't know why you think your going to be flamed zoberg.  I feel you have been very accomodating, and I personally do not feel you have done anything to be flamed.  I admire you for being patient with the BM, and you have every reason to be fustrated.  I agree to find a next day tailor, and have her dress altered before the wedding when she comes stateside. 
  • Options
    Syd and Anti,

    I just offered the option of getting her own dress (and I phrased it as "if you'd rather wear your own navy blue dress") or holding onto it for her if she wants to fly here a little early. I have a feeling she's not going to be okay with either option, since she was pretty... outspoken about not liking the back, so I'm sure she'll come back saying that she wants to try it on before she comes over here. But then, at least, she can't say that I didn't give her SEVERAL options!

    I've decided that paying for her shipping may not be the best option for me here. I've given her several different solutions. I just got a puppy, and me paying for her shipping would be like giving my puppy a treat after she pees in the house. This chick hasn't been a good friend to me since the moment she asked me to be a bridesmaid "jokingly" and the ball's in her court now.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_international-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2ea7b99-d125-4759-8691-794c160459dbPost:1de7bbd1-9452-4bfe-ab58-235728d73cf6">Re: International BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]Syd and Anti, I just offered the option of getting her own dress (and I phrased it as "if you'd rather wear your own navy blue dress") or holding onto it for her if she wants to fly here a little early. I have a feeling she's not going to be okay with either option, since she was pretty... outspoken about not liking the back, so I'm sure she'll come back saying that she wants to try it on before she comes over here. But then, at least, she can't say that I didn't give her SEVERAL options!<strong> I've decided that paying for her shipping may not be the best option for me here. I've given her several different solutions. I just got a puppy, and me paying for her shipping would be like giving my puppy a treat after she pees in the house.</strong> This chick hasn't been a good friend to me since the moment she asked me to be a bridesmaid "jokingly" and the ball's in her court now.
    Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

    Exactly. You've given her all the options you can, and now the ball is in her court. Just tell her that this is how it is.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Options

    I agree with PP's...you have been more than accomodating and now the ball is in her court. Be assertive and stick to what you say, and she can make her choice. If it's soooooomg important for her to be a bridesmaid once in her life, she'll handle her business.

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_international-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2ea7b99-d125-4759-8691-794c160459dbPost:47051416-9736-4a68-babb-3f3aa5ec336e">International BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm going to get reamed out for this one. I just know it. Regardless, I need to vent to someone that isn't my fiance, because I'm annoyed with him right now. I have a BM that is from and lives in Germany (we'll call her GBM). She was my exchange student in high school. She came to visit me this year right after my FI and I got engaged, and she asked me several times if she could be a BM, because BMs don't exist in German tradition, apparently, and this was her one opportunity to partake in this tradition. I consulted you all and I was advised to just let her be a BM. So I said yes, she could be a bridesmaid, and she said "Oh, I was just joking, I'll have to give it some thought." I was a little shocked that she would ask me so many times if she was joking about it, but anyway, she emailed me to say yes, she would be a BM. I got GBM's budget for a dress (she said she would spend whatever, and later, I let her know the maximum the other girls gave me and she said okay, great). I went dress shopping with my other four BMs and they all found a favorite dress. It was easy and I was really happy with their choice. I sent this choice to GBM and she said she did not like the back (the straps cross in the back and it requires a strapless bra). She sent me back a link to a J.Crew bridesmaid dress that was strapless and cost more. I sent the link around to my other BMs and they said they preferred the original dress. When I told GBM about the consensus, she was upset. I told her she was welcome to buy any dress she wants in the BM color, navy blue, but she said she did not want to stand out from the other BMs by being the only one to wear this dress (and the other four all want to wear this original one). Yesterday, she said she would wear it if she could buy the floor-length version and hem the dress so that it came to just below the knee (the original comes to just about the knee). I said, no problem, whatever makes her happy. She asked what the shipping costs are - and international shipping not being cheap, now she's upset about what international shipping will cost her. I know the right thing to do is just foot the international shipping costs, but I'm just really annoyed that she asked me to be a bridesmaid, I let her be one out of courtesy, and now I wish I hadn't. She's a friend, but I'm annoyed that a friend would put me in the position of guilting me into BM-ing her (even though it's because of the culture gap, I'm sure) and just make this a difficult ordeal. I really don't feel like doing her any favors. But because you all will encourage me to be a nice bride and because I'm a pushover in general, I will end up paying for her international shipping. Flame away. I just needed to get this off my chest.
    Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

    <div>I too am having a BM from Germany. And I understand that it is not common over there at all. But my friend and I have known each other for 8 years, we don't see each other often and I would love it if she could come and be by my side. </div><div>
    </div><div>She's still up in the air about coming to the wedding because she's in grad school and her final exams are the week of the wedding, which would cut time really short for catching a flight over (if she would be able to fly over at all). So she has to wait to see if she can get approval from her summer professor to take finals earlier.</div><div>
    </div><div>Anyways what I suggested was paying for her dress if she can come because of the cost of flying, etc. She refuses. So we plan on her buying a BM dress in the same color, plum, in Germany before she comes over. To me they don't all have to wear the same dress, as long as it's the same color. </div><div>
    </div><div>It seems like you are the flexible one but she may be overly picky. Perhaps you should have a conversation with her again about her choosing a similar dress from Germany due to the cost issue. Because if she's having an issue about the cost of shipping, what is she giong to do about the hemming, and flying over? </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_international-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2ea7b99-d125-4759-8691-794c160459dbPost:07c30076-0cce-4e8a-8cfb-cc7a77f52fcb">Re: International BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, the BM store we're ordering from doesn't ship internationally, so the shipping quote we got is directly from the designer. Now GBM wants me to order the dress from the BM store for her (once she sends me her measurements), pay for it, pay to ship it internationally for her (which will cost $3 less than having it shipped from the designer) and then she'll wire money to me. I don't feel like dealing with this. There's no way it's worth saving $3. I'm just going to tell her that if she doesn't want to pay the fees that come along with asking to be a matching bridesmaid and living in another country, she can buy whatever dress she wants in navy blue. 
    Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]
    Just tell her you really wish you could offer her something else but your hands are tied and your budget won't let you front her the money.  But if she wants to wire you the money for the dress and shipping now then you can have it sent to her.  Then tell her you'll understand no matter what decision she makes and after that stop trying to please her or fix something outside of your control.  She doesn't have access to your bank statement so don't confirm her assumption that you can foot the bill for any and everything.  Sorry, but I would never trust someone who wants me to pay up front and promises to wire it to me later.  If they don't have the money now then they can't afford to be in it so they sure as he*& don't need an expensive J. Crew dress!  Just say no.
  • Options
    Btw, I have a BM from England.  I was able to pinpoint a bridal salon over there about an hour away from her where she could order it.  It still costs more than in the US because of various import fees and taxes.  But she ordered it right away and sent me swatches for the other girls to use stateside!  If your BM wants to be in it she'll figure it out.  If your dress designer has any international locations perhaps it will be cheaper for her to order through them if they're closer.  But either way it's her issue not yours since she's dismissed your other attempts to help.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards