just need to vent (kinda long...)

packlite

So, I wanted to blog about this but realized that people I know read my blog, so decided to post here and just dump a lot of things I have been feeling lately into one place.  No, its not E related (well some of it may be), but this is the board I usually lurk because I am always so worried about trying to do the right thing with this wedding   And to that point, I am realizing I miserably failed at some things, but I am kind of just having to get over it.  I will never be an etiquette queen, but I did really make an effort.

Here's my vent - we are getting closer to our wedding day and I am freaking out a bit and OVER IT! I am not over wanting to be married, but I am SO OVER planning - and I feel a bit guilty about that.   I started this whole engagement/marriage journey, so into it and every little detail.  I was so eager to be part of every decision made and really obsessed over some things that looking back really were not that serious.  I feel like the brides I see on television are so happy and glowing and love planning and I am...well, not so thrilled about table linens and flowers anymore

I am at the point where I really just want our planner to go off and finish things up.  I don't care as much about what's left - what songs are played, what liquor we serve, what table name cards look like, etc.  I kinf of just want the planning to be DONE!  Did anyone else get to this point?  I hope its not just me!! I am trying to stay motivated and excited about this last stretch b/c my motivation (or lack thereof) rubs off on my FI, and we both need to be involved this last month. 

I also am freaking out over our guest list - its done and invites are out.  However, I am so worried that I didn't invite everyone I should have.  Not because I want them there on that day, but because we are already dealing with hurt feelings, people feeling left out, people not talking to us, etc over not getting a stupid invite!!! I am sorry, but if you are my friend (or family) and we have not talked one on one in YEARS, and you don't really even know that my FI exists, I did not feel obligated to invite you.  And I know, I just need to stand my ground, and stick with the decision we made, and me confident that we did the right thing.  The people-pleaser in me just wonders if we should have invited everyone I guess.  I did not stick to the invite circles of family friends or invite none at all rule for various reasons. 

We also have a family issue that stresses me out daily.  I have a family member who was very inappropriate with me (yeah, we will call it that) when I was a little kid.  I did not invite him or his family to my wedding.  I know that his family and parents will wonder why, be hurt, and ask my family why he isn't there.  This I could care less about, but my BIGGEST FEAR is that he will show up anyway (simply b/c our family really doesn't follow etiquette guidelines historically).  I really don't know what I would do if I had to face him on that day

Don't get me wrong though - I know this isn't a case of cold feet.  I am THRILLED to marry the man of my dreams and start our "ever after".  But THAT is exactly what I keep trying to focus on - the importance of this day and not all of these little details that I hope will be a non-issue on the day of.

Planning a wedding is WORK, and I will tell anyone who asks me going forward that.  Even with a planner, its a lot on your plate and so many decisions to be made.  The magical day just doesn't appear, like it seems to on all those reality shows, so much goes into it - but I am just really trying to focus on the meaning of the day and the days after when I get stressed like this.  I am blessed to have found some one, blessed that we can give ourselves the day of our dreams, and blessed that I have friends and family to share with this day with us.  (I try to end everything with something positive BTW, I am weird like that). 


There.  I feel better already.  I hope someone (anyone?) can relate to this so I don't feel too crazy

mica178

I feel the exact same way.  My FI actually said I was a little bridezilla-like this weekend.  (He wanted to add more people to the guest list even though invitations have already gone out, and I just flipped out on him.)  Planning was fun 3 months ago when it was just big ideas.  Now that it's the little detail stuff, (and now that I've been planning and thinking about this darned wedding for month after month after month), I'm totally over it.

2dBride

Honestly, if you were over the idea of wanting to marry your FI, I'd worry.  If you're just over wanting to think about every little detail, that's normal.  The brides you see on television are either actors, or people who just love all those little details--but in either event, are not realistic role models for the average person.

It sounds like you've got a wedding planner.  It may be time to say, "Sorry, but I really don't care about this.  Pick whatever is usual, and let's move on."  You want your wedding to be a fun time in which you get to enjoy being married--not a source of continual frustration.

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_just-need-vent-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a2ef1b6f-525c-4f08-90a6-35d917892d7ePost:59038f2a-23a1-401e-bb64-4ed4b4f15d8b">just need to vent (kinda long...)</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I wanted to blog about this but realized that people I know read my blog, so decided to post here and just dump a lot of things I have been feeling lately into one place.  No, its not E related (well some of it may be), but this is the board I usually lurk because I am always so worried about trying to do the right thing with this wedding :)  And to that point, I am realizing I miserably failed at some things, but I am kind of just having to get over it.  I will never be an etiquette queen, but I did really make an effort. Here's my vent - we are getting closer to our wedding day and I am freaking out a bit and OVER IT! I am not over wanting to be married, but I am SO OVER planning - and I feel a bit guilty about that.   I started this whole engagement/marriage journey, so into it and every little detail.  I was so eager to be part of every decision made and really obsessed over some things that looking back really were not that serious.  I feel like the brides I see on television are so happy and glowing and love planning and I am...well, not so thrilled about table linens and flowers anymore :( I am at the point where I really just want our planner to go off and finish things up.  I don't care as much about what's left - what songs are played, what liquor we serve, what table name cards look like, etc.  I kinf of just want the planning to be DONE!  Did anyone else get to this point?  I hope its not just me!! I am trying to stay motivated and excited about this last stretch b/c my motivation (or lack thereof) rubs off on my FI, and we both need to be involved this last month.  I also am freaking out over our guest list - its done and invites are out.  However, I am so worried that I didn't invite everyone I should have.  Not because I want them there on that day, but because we are already dealing with hurt feelings, people feeling left out, people not talking to us, etc over not getting a stupid invite!!! I am sorry, but if you are my friend (or family) and we have not talked one on one in YEARS, and you don't really even know that my FI exists, I did not feel obligated to invite you.  And I know, I just need to stand my ground, and stick with the decision we made, and me confident that we did the right thing.  The people-pleaser in me just wonders if we should have invited everyone I guess.  I did not stick to the invite circles of family friends or invite none at all rule for various reasons.  We also have a family issue that stresses me out daily.  I have a family member who was very inappropriate with me (yeah, we will call it that) when I was a little kid.  I did not invite him or his family to my wedding.  I know that his family and parents will wonder why, be hurt, and ask my family why he isn't there.  This I could care less about, but my BIGGEST FEAR is that he will show up anyway (simply b/c our family really doesn't follow etiquette guidelines historically).  I really don't know what I would do if I had to face him on that day :( Don't get me wrong though - I know this isn't a case of cold feet.  I am THRILLED to marry the man of my dreams and start our "ever after".  But THAT is exactly what I keep trying to focus on - the importance of this day and not all of these little details that I hope will be a non-issue on the day of. Planning a wedding is WORK, and I will tell anyone who asks me going forward that.  Even with a planner, its a lot on your plate and so many decisions to be made.  The magical day just doesn't appear, like it seems to on all those reality shows, so much goes into it - but I am just really trying to focus on the meaning of the day and the days after when I get stressed like this.  I am blessed to have found some one, blessed that we can give ourselves the day of our dreams, and blessed that I have friends and family to share with this day with us.  (I try to end everything with something positive BTW, I am weird like that).  There.  I feel better already.  I hope someone (anyone?) can relate to this so I don't feel too crazy :)
<p>Posted by packlite[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>I think it's natural that when you take on a huge project of work which essentially relates to about half a day of throwing a party that you'll get over thinking about it at some point (hell, it's easy enough to get over doing my PhD, and that has much bigger long-term outcomes than do the issues of seating charts and song choices!). I daresay that anyone who has spent serious time planning their wedding will inevitably hit this point. It's ok. You'll persevere and get it done and then look back and think, wow, that worked out awesomely, why did I stress over those insignificant things?!</p><p> </p><p>As for the situation with your family member... try not to worry. Hopefully his lack of invite (and guilty conscious) will be cause enough for him not to be interested in attending. Are any of your family aware of what the issue was which motivated you not to invite him? Obviously it's an already stressful time to be sharing such information, but I do think that anyone who did know would be 110% supportive of your decision not to invite him. </p><p>I'm sorry you had to go through that as a child; I'm glad you've stood your ground in not inviting him along.</p>

packlite

thanks so much ladies, i think i just really needed a sanity check and a moment to "dump" everything in one place.  i did let our planner know that we trust her judgement on smaller decisions that really won't have an impact on our day (for example, my day won't be ruined based on the type of napkins she chooses )

re: family member, my mom and FI both know about this -actually they are the ONLY people that know.  mom is not as good dealing with it b/c he is her family member, but she understands why he isnt invited.  FI of course isn't very fond of him and has suggested that maybe he could notify our planner if he sees him there on that day before ceremony.

one thing for certain is that i have learned (over lots of time and therapy!) to protect my feelings first and not to worry about how he feels or what people think of him when he is "shunned" by me - i don't owe him anything.  i can finally say that

anyway, i really appreciate everoyne's advice and reassurance!  i am all set for a great day - just needed some complete strangers eyes to lean on for a sec I guess.

aMrsin09

Issue #2, tell your planner he is to be esorted out immediately if he shows up.

issue #1...This is common.  I think the 2 month mark is about when the freak out/apathy hits most brides.  2 weeks before the wedding, I was DONE.  If H had called it of I wouldn't have cared. 

You will start to get excited again as it gets closer.  Two days before the wedding I started to get happy again.

kayakrunhike

Yeah, I think almost everyone who gets married hits this point.  I hit it hard about a month before the wedding, partially because we were engaged for two years.  We didn't do any major planning until a year out, but it was an awful lot of thinking about wedding stuff, and a lot of time to do it.  So, it's normal.  My stress levels plummeted once we had all the RSVPs in and had the total counts to the DOC.  It was even better once all of our closest friends started showing up for the RD the night before!

Hold your ground on the family member, and have a couple of people who know what he looks like keep an eye out for him.  It is awful that you had to go through that, and kudos to you for being firm, even though no one else really knows. I hope you had a beautiful wedding!

rbtrumpet

Yes!  I was SOOOOO done planning my wedding - at about a month, maybe 5 weeks out - I just hit it.  I couldn't do any more.  I took almost a week off.  FI and I went on dates, I cleaned my apartment, and did NOTHING wedding related - I was afraid that I was going to get too far behind, but I just didn't care any more.

Surprisingly, after about 2 weeks of hating my wedding (not marriage, just that one day), I finally started to get back into it again - I had taken my break, and was refreshed.  I realized this was the one day I had looked forward to since I was like 4, and it was the only (hopefully) chance I'd ever get to do this.  Now, I am super excited about my wedding again!

So yes, it is natural to be "over" your wedding - and it's OK to take a break!

annmariemudge

You are not alone, FI and I had a heart to heart about just eloping and calling it a day.  He talked me off that ledge and then took over the planning for a bit.   As for the other issue, just do what PP said and have him escorted out right away. 

marisah83

I think a lot of people get tired of the planning too.  Either take a break for a couple of weeks, or let your wedding planner take care of the final details.  I think once you focus on anything for long enough, it is bound to drive you crazy!

I hope that family member doesn't show up, but give your wedding planner a head's up so she can take care of him if he comes.