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How about one more guest question for you!!??

I know they're driving you guys crazy... so there's a short and long version for you.  Thanks!

Short story
: I'm inviting everyone who graduated from college (basically everyone) plus one.  One of my friends is dating a creeper (see long story).  All my friends hate him... should someone (not me) "nicely" say to her, "Hey, you're not planning on bringing N. to the wedding are you?" My MOH thinks she should.

Long Story: Friend K. is dating a former drug dealer who is married with 3 kids.  He claims that he and his wife are "separated" but so-called not wife keeps calling my friend calling her a home wrecker, etc.  Friend "broke up" with him and now he's back over all the time.  She shares a house with two other friends and they are planning on moving out because they hate him so much.  The night we all found out that he was lying the whole time about his wife, I flipped out on him and told him exactly what I thought about him (one beer too many, but it was the truth).  So everyone hates him, he knows it and I told him that I in particular don't like him. 

Should someone remind her gently that he's not welcome near us, let alone to my wedding where all of them will need to sit together?
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Re: How about one more guest question for you!!??

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    Welll.... (trying to think of a way you can weasel out of this)... If he and his wife are still married, then technically your friend isn't his spouse, so you'd have to invite her, her creeper bf, and his wife. Right? Since you're not supposed to invite somebody without their spouse?

    If they're split, though, you need to invite the d-bag. He probably won't even come.
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    No. If you invite her with an and guest, it leaves it up to her who her guest will be.

    But do you mean everyone who graduated from college WITH YOU gets a date? Not just college graduates, right?
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    edited February 2010
    No. I think it is up to her. Clearly she enjoys his company to some extent, and that is why she is with him. Since he is HER date, she should get to bring him. She's an adult and allowed to make choices, even if her friends disagree with them.

    If someone said that to me my response would be, "Of couse I'm bringing him. You're bringing YOUR boyfriend, aren't you?"

    Edit: I read hte long version. Perhaps she'll realize he isn't welcome and not bring him on her own, but it is completely up to her.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-guest-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a349c73a-df6f-447a-a22f-006f53d64109Post:1e4a7dc6-2e2e-45d2-be3c-9fb3a03e6fe4">Re: How about one more guest question for you!!??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Welll.... (trying to think of a way you can weasel out of this)... If he and his wife are still married, then technically your friend isn't his spouse, so <strong>you'd have to invite her, her creeper bf, and his wife.</strong> Right? Since you're not supposed to invite somebody without their spouse? If they're split, though, you need to invite the d-bag. He probably won't even come.
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

    I vote for this solution.
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    As much as you hate him, if you are not dictating anyone else's date, I can't see you can get away with dictating her's. 

     That said, let's hope she knows how much you hate him and would not even bother bringing him.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    I know it's not really the answer, but if we're living by the hard and fast rule that we can NEVER invite somebody without inviting their spouse, just tell your friend that etiquette dictates that you'd have to invite the wife as well if the husband/creeper is going to come. That should take care of that!
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    CFishe: Anyone who graduated from college gets invited plus one in general.. basically it leaves my younger cousins without dates (there's only 5 of them); everyone else is invited plus one regardless if they have a "steady" partner.

    Polichik: Haha I wish it was that easy!  Technically, she hasn't told me flat out that she's dating him... so if I wasn't inviting everyone else plus one, I'd just not invite her plus one.  That's why I'm hoping she doesn't even bring him... she's afraid to even tell me she's dating him!

    I agree that it's up to her (unfortunately)... honestly, she's making the stupid life decision, so it's not my problem.  But would it be awful for one of my other friends to say to her "Look, it's not cool if you bring him."
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    Sorry, maybe I'm just hung up on this, but what if someone is 24 and DIDNT graduate college. Would they get an and one too?
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    CFische: Yes, they would.  We were just trying to draw a line somewhere... but yes, anyone who is above college age gets a guest. 
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    How are you confirming the guest's level of education? Do you require a bachelor degree? What if someone just has an associates? Do you put their +1 on the B list?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-guest-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a349c73a-df6f-447a-a22f-006f53d64109Post:17ec44a2-76a5-412d-b011-c62739c138a6">Re: How about one more guest question for you!!??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know it's not really the answer, but if we're living by the hard and fast rule that we can NEVER invite somebody without inviting their spouse, just tell your friend that etiquette dictates that you'd have to invite the wife as well if the husband/creeper is going to come. That should take care of that!
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

    Well... HE isn't invited, the friend is invited to bring a guest. I can think of very real circumstances when someone would bring a guest who was a friend who was married to someone else with no hanky-panky going on. So I'm not sure if that would even fly, technically.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-guest-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a349c73a-df6f-447a-a22f-006f53d64109Post:17ec44a2-76a5-412d-b011-c62739c138a6">Re: How about one more guest question for you!!??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know it's not really the answer, but if we're living by the hard and fast rule that we can NEVER invite somebody without inviting their spouse, just tell your friend that etiquette dictates that you'd have to invite the wife as well if the husband/creeper is going to come. That should take care of that!
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]


    The difference  is she is not inviting him.  She is inviting her friend with a date (assuming his name is not on the invite and it says 'and guest'.

    It's like a loophole, anyone with an 'and guest' can bring whoever they want, if that is one half of a couple, so be it.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    Man... I was so proud of myself, too!
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    LPSTL: Yes, we require them to show their college transcript at the door.  If they don't have it, we have them "gently" escorted off the property by our beefy muscle-man bouncer named "BoneCrusher" (haha not trying to be snarky, I'm just kidding)

    We only chose our younger cousins to be invited as singles because otherwise, they wouldn't be invited at all due to numbers and I really wanted them to be there.  It worked out perfectly that everyone who is above college age can be invited plus one and we will still be below capacity! 
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    Couldn't you just say "eveyryone over 18"?
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    I think she means older than "college age"... so 23-24ish. Not that anyone has had to go to college or anything. 
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    We could, but then we couldn't invite those kids because we wouldn't fit them and their guests.  Ah, the trickery of invitation wording!  haha
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    Yes, eva, she cleared that up, but thanks for repeating her.
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    Quick thing though, besides the college age issue,

    Should someone say something to my friend or is that not okay?  I think I know that it's probably a "No, it's her choice" but I know my friends are going to want to strongly advise her against bringing him for everyone's peace of mind.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-guest-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a349c73a-df6f-447a-a22f-006f53d64109Post:87f5ab2c-69e0-4b73-887e-59ca6a8371c9">Re: How about one more guest question for you!!??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes, eva, she cleared that up, but thanks for repeating her.
    Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

    <div>I was actually responding to poli's question, not yours. I think OP sufficiently answered yours and poli asked about 18+. I was trying to clarify my own statement.</div>
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    Poli said:
    Couldn't you just say "eveyryone over 18"?

    You said:
    I think she means older than "college age"... so 23-24ish. Not that anyone has had to go to college or anything.

    So, nice try at backtracking, but clearly you were repeating what she had already said.
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    I was trying to be helpful by clarifying my OWN statement where I used "college age" as a descriptor (and understood it to be vague). I have to say, I'm confused as to why you seem to be upset about that.
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    I had a similar situation.  My aunt dates this complete douche on and off.  He and DH do not get along at all.  They used to be friends, but this dude has actually hit DH before, thus ending their friendship.  (My DH is so freaking mellow and laid back, that this is pretty shocking.)  Anyway, I couldn't really tell her she couldn't bring her boyfriend, but she knew how we felt about him.  I was just assuming she wouldn't bring him.  My sister got drunk one night and said "You're not bringing that douche to the wedding, are you?"  

    It was a klassy solution, but it did the job. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-guest-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a349c73a-df6f-447a-a22f-006f53d64109Post:ff020074-b28c-41f5-bac0-ced8dc075d7f">Re: How about one more guest question for you!!??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Quick thing though, besides the college age issue, Should someone say something to my friend or is that not okay?  I think I know that it's probably a "No, it's her choice" but I know my friends are going to want to strongly advise her against bringing him for everyone's peace of mind.
    Posted by DeirdreAnne[/QUOTE]

    Here's my take on it:

    You are all friends, right? So you invite her, her +1, and then say nothing. You have no control over what other people say to each other so if some of your other friends take it upon themselve to offer her relationship advice then it has nothing to do with you. I wouldn't flat-out ask your friends to speak to her, but I wouldn't tell them not to, either. I would stay neutral and let it unfold as it will.
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    Thanks, everyone!  I'm just going to hope for her good judgement and maybe have some people drop hints after a few glasses of wine if she situation calls for it.  We've been hinting since we found out about it by talking about other situations where other girls were in stupid relationships.  I'll just keep my fingers crosses that BoneCrusher the bouncer doesn't have to flex his muscles for this guys haha
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-guest-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a349c73a-df6f-447a-a22f-006f53d64109Post:35504288-c7df-4215-b274-85fac27a56cd">Re: How about one more guest question for you!!??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How about one more guest question for you!!?? : Here's my take on it: You are all friends, right? So you invite her, her +1, and then say nothing. You have no control over what other people say to each other so if some of your other friends take it upon themselve to offer her relationship advice then it has nothing to do with you. I wouldn't flat-out ask your friends to speak to her, but I wouldn't tell them not to, either. I would stay neutral and let it unfold as it will.
    Posted by Bubbalub[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's what I'm thinking.  If MOH takes in upon herself to say something about it, that's her business.  But I don't think it's a good idea for OP to have her say anything.  </div>
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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited February 2010
    I think that not inviting him because you all hate him and he's a jerk is NOT a good reason.

    I DO think that objecting to your friend bringing a date who is a married man is.

    Tons of guys say that they're seperated but quite often that means that she's at home and he's not.  Okay, I'm a bit jaded on that line.

    If  he's not legally seperated, she should not be dating him at all. Recipe for disaster and I don't think you're out of line to object. 

    That's a big "IF" as I don't know if you can find out the truth here.

    ETA * NOT
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    OOT has a point. Clearly this guy does not respect the institution of marriage if he is how you say he is.

    DeirdreAnne (I like you name) you seem cool. You should come back and chat with us more.

    When are your RSVPs due? When she RSVPs for 2 people, you'll find out if she's planning on bringing him. Or you can call and say, "Can you let me know the name of your guest? I need it for escort cards." If she tells you she's bringing him, have a response ready and/or know how to procede. Say, "Oh, really?" If you are snarky, "How does his wife feel about that?" Or at least be ready to warn all your mutual friends.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-guest-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a349c73a-df6f-447a-a22f-006f53d64109Post:54f93add-b8e8-4139-9b8f-39d4f4142aca">Re: How about one more guest question for you!!??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Say, "Oh, really?" If you are snarky, "How does his wife feel about that?" Or at least be ready to warn all your mutual friends.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    <div>Haha I like this.</div>
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    Thank you, Ms.MeryMac!  I'd love to come around and chat!  I've been a longtime lurker, but this week I didn't have school, so I had time to lurk even more and work up the courage to get more involved. 

    Our RSVPs aren't due until early June- I think that will be a good idea.  Maybe I can just say something like "Oh, I didn't realize that he truly left his wife and children this time." 
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