WWED?

MoonlightSilver

H and I got married in June. SIL (H's sister) got married in August. In the chaos of our wedding, she sent us a bridal shower gift but we didn't get around to sending her one. H & I decided we'd give her something extra at her wedding. 

The morning of SIL's wedding, I learn from FIL that she actually got married a year ago at the court house in secret. I was very shocked- my H, her brother, had no idea either. In the chaos of THAT weekend, we also never got around to getting her the shower gift. 

At this point, I don't want to bother getting it. I feel hurt by what she did. However, I think maybe we should still get a gift because a) no one knows about the courthouse marriage, so H & I will look like the rude ones and b) H has told SIL a few times (including after her wedding/PPD) that we still plan on getting her a shower gift. Also, I don't want to deny her a gift out of spite, and I'm too close to the situation to tell if I'm doing that or not. 

WWED? Get her a gift, or don't get one and hope no one asks why? 

[Deleted User]

Since you told her you were giving the gift, I would. And since she is your SIL even if she did decive everyone, I would give her a gift to keep the peace.

DramaGeek

Maybe just a small gift, since you told her you would?  Of course, I'm the passive aggressive bi.tch who would write something in the card like "sorry this is so late.  If you'd told us you got married over a year ago we would have sent the gift earlier."

littleluckypenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwed-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a52d1156-3356-4783-81fd-fffa486dc636Post:b1b9d5f4-20f6-429f-ac41-cba64bbefef9">Re: WWED?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe just a small gift, since you told her you would?  <strong>Of course, I'm the passive aggressive bi.tch who would write something in the card like "sorry this is so late.  If you'd told us you got married over a year ago we would have sent the gift earlier."
</strong>Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

<strong><3</strong>

acaponi87

I'd give her a gift and then I'd march  around my apartment giving her the finger for awhile to get out my anger.

I think the 2 weddings thing is the wedding-etiquette miscue that pisses me off the most.

littleluckypenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwed-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a52d1156-3356-4783-81fd-fffa486dc636Post:b1b9d5f4-20f6-429f-ac41-cba64bbefef9">Re: WWED?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe just a small gift, since you told her you would?  Of course, I'm the passive aggressive bi.tch who would write something in the card like <strong>"sorry this is so late.  If you'd told us you got married over a year ago we would have sent the gift earlier."
</strong>Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

<strong><3</strong>

littleluckypenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwed-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a52d1156-3356-4783-81fd-fffa486dc636Post:b1b9d5f4-20f6-429f-ac41-cba64bbefef9">Re: WWED?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe just a small gift, since you told her you would?  Of course, I'm the passive aggressive bi.tch who would write something in the card like <strong>"sorry this is so late.  If you'd told us you got married over a year ago we would have sent the gift earlier."
</strong>Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

<strong><3</strong>

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwed-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a52d1156-3356-4783-81fd-fffa486dc636Post:b1b9d5f4-20f6-429f-ac41-cba64bbefef9">Re: WWED?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe just a small gift, since you told her you would?  Of course, I'm the passive aggressive bi.tch who would write something in the card like "sorry this is so late.  If you'd told us you got married over a year ago we would have sent the gift earlier."
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]
I'd go one step further. I'd send the gift along with a "First Anniversary" card.

Okay, I wouldn't really do that, but MAN I'd be tempted...

DramaGeek

OMG Wrigley, even better!

OP, I feel ya.  I went to a family wedding recently because I felt obligated.  I found out after I got there that they were already married.  I still haven't done anything about a gift because I can't decide if it's better to do nothing or to do a donation in their name :-P

achiduck

Oh man, Wrigly you're awesome.

Since you've already told her you're getting her a gift I'd do it but I'd probably stick with something smaller. Had you not said anything and just intended to then I think it'd be fine to skip it.

MoonlightSilver

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwed-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a52d1156-3356-4783-81fd-fffa486dc636Post:484a993e-742e-4278-b4dc-3dc9bb984392">Re: WWED?</a>:
[QUOTE]OMG Wrigley, even better! OP, I feel ya.  I went to a family wedding recently because I felt obligated.  I found out after I got there that they were already married.  I still haven't done anything about a gift because I can't decide if it's better to do nothing or to do a donation in their name :-P
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

<div>I had considered the donation thing. But that really did seem spiteful in my situation, and I don't want to hurt our relationship. </div>

cofkel

I honestly would just give her the gift. I would be pissed about it, but you don't want to end up looking like the jerk when clearly they are the ones in the wrong. I had a good friend do exactly the same thing and not tell anyone.

ginadog

WWED?  Probably send a gift and wish her happiness in her new marriage.

DramaGeek

In Response to Re:WWED?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWED?:OMG Wrigley, even better! OP, I feel ya. nbsp;I went to a family wedding recently because I felt obligated. nbsp;I found out after I got there that they were already married. nbsp;I still haven't done anything about a gift because I can't decide if it's better to do nothing or to do a donation in their name :PPosted by DramaGeekI had considered the donation thing. But that really did seem spiteful in my situation, and I don't want to hurt our relationship.nbsp; Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I don't have to worry about that. My relative is someone I see once every few years. That's why, in your case, I'd do something small.

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwed-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a52d1156-3356-4783-81fd-fffa486dc636Post:a1689218-c28d-468a-a4f5-6ec208c00ff4">WWED?</a>:
[QUOTE]H and I got married in June. SIL (H's sister) got married in August. In the chaos of our wedding, she sent us a bridal shower gift but we didn't get around to sending her one. H & I decided we'd give her something extra at her wedding.  The morning of SIL's wedding, I learn from FIL that she actually got married a year ago at the court house in secret. I was very shocked- my H, her brother, had no idea either. In the chaos of THAT weekend, we also never got around to getting her the shower gift.  At this point, I don't want to bother getting it. I feel hurt by what she did. However, I think maybe we should still get a gift because a) no one knows about the courthouse marriage, so H & I will look like the rude ones and b) H has told SIL a few times (including after her wedding/PPD) that we still plan on getting her a shower gift. Also, I don't want to deny her a gift out of spite, and I'm too close to the situation to tell if I'm doing that or not.  WWED? Get her a gift, or don't get one and hope no one asks why? 
Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

Get her a gift. Regardless of when, they still DID get married and you still did attend a wedding  event that probably cost her money, correct??

You have to have a lifelong relationship with this person, it would be a mistake to NOT get a gift just out of anger that they did something you didn't know about

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwed-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a52d1156-3356-4783-81fd-fffa486dc636Post:ad2d3114-3773-4b86-9d80-d4c2dd7fc6b4">Re: WWED?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWED? : I had considered the donation thing. But that really did seem spiteful in my situation, and I don't want to hurt our relationship. 
Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

That makes sense. You really are doing the right thing and being the bigger person.

I like your sig, by the way.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwed-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a52d1156-3356-4783-81fd-fffa486dc636Post:603c5862-06db-4b39-b0ef-cd51a57e40a6">Re: WWED?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to WWED? : Get her a gift. Regardless of when, they still DID get married and <strong>you still did attend a wedding  event that probably cost her money, correct??</strong> You have to have a lifelong relationship with this person, it would be a mistake to NOT get a gift just out of anger that they did something you didn't know about
Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]
OP attended a VR. Not a wedding. <div>
</div><div>It doesn't matter if it cost the SIL anything. Weddings aren't for gifts or profit.</div>

MoonlightSilver

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwed-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a52d1156-3356-4783-81fd-fffa486dc636Post:7c2e38a0-cb89-4d1c-b8d8-04ebbe927b7c">Re: WWED?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWED? : That makes sense. You really are doing the right thing and being the bigger person. I like your sig, by the way.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thank you, on both counts. 

</div>

DramaGeek

Moonlight, do you have more wedding pics?  I really love what I've seen so far!

MoonlightSilver

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwed-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a52d1156-3356-4783-81fd-fffa486dc636Post:75d2dc66-a616-4e1d-ace1-3efb211ff740">Re: WWED?</a>:
[QUOTE]Moonlight, do you have more wedding pics?  I really love what I've seen so far!
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

<div>Not yet. )= I'm really hoping my photog gets to our wedding soon. He's busy but worth the wait! </div>

wrigleyville

Did a beluga really pose like that, or is that a backdrop? I LOVE aquariums, so I'm kind of hoping you got married in front of the tank and the beluga posed for you.

Julie2013

For what it's worth, I'd also let it slide and just give the couple a wedding gift. I realize that you may not see it this way, but I look at a wedding gift as a nice way to congratulate somebody on their marriage. Whether the wedding was when I was there or a year earlier, I'd still like to congratulate them with a gift. Do I agree with them hiding the fact that they were already married? No. Would I let it stand in my way of trying to have a positive relationship with my new sister-in-law? No. Besides, someday when you and your SIL and both your husbands are senior citizens, you'll probably look back on your lives (births, deaths, graduations, moves, etc.) and realize weddings are important, but relationships and love are even more important. (Or maybe not, since I know some very spiteful elderly folks!).

Julie

MoonlightSilver

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwed-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a52d1156-3356-4783-81fd-fffa486dc636Post:91982916-3b22-4834-b2e2-abd19e6f112d">Re: WWED?</a>:
[QUOTE]Did a beluga really pose like that, or is that a backdrop? I LOVE aquariums, so I'm kind of hoping you got married in front of the tank and the beluga posed for you.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]

<div>It's a real, live beluga. He stays at the front of the tank because he's curious about all the people and music and dresses. There are a few more non-pro pics on my married bio. </div><div>
</div><div>My favorite part was when H read his vows, the beluga turned towards him to read the paper. Then he did the same thing when I read my vows, looking over my shoulder to read the paper. </div><div>
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<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/2/15/12619e1e-ba83-4f0b-bfa6-23ee6ac7bc69.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/2/15/12619e1e-ba83-4f0b-bfa6-23ee6ac7bc69.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>
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<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/14/9/6ec5433a-d699-4403-b999-6e7e66acbb30.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/14/9/6ec5433a-d699-4403-b999-6e7e66acbb30.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>
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</div><div>We got really, really lucky that he cooperated so much. =) </div><div>
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Julie2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwed-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a52d1156-3356-4783-81fd-fffa486dc636Post:a6d44012-0000-4517-801e-82f7a192dc3b">Re: WWED?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWED? : It's a real, live beluga. He stays at the front of the tank because he's curious about all the people and music and dresses. There are a few more non-pro pics on my married bio.  My favorite part was when H read his vows, the beluga turned towards him to read the paper. Then he did the same thing when I read my vows, looking over my shoulder to read the paper.  We got really, really lucky that he cooperated so much. =) 
Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

Those wedding photos are so adorable! I love wedding photos in general, but these really rank high in the cute department!

Julie