need help

ali0284

I have a good friend who has asked me to be her MOH.  She just told me her wedding plans of having people come in 3 different "shifts".  So each shift only gets to stay for 3 hours.  The people on the 2nd and 3rd shift, won't even get to see the ceremony.  As if that is not bad enough, she is planning on doing a "potluck" wedding, and having everyone bring different food!!  I understand she can't afford a wedding, but to me, if you can't afford it, don't have it, or have a wedding with say about 40-50 people, which she could afford.  Being her friend, I feel it is up to me to tell her that she can't do that for a wedding.  Any suggestions??

Mrs.B6302007

I would certainly tell her. And probably consider not being a part of that.

You could always encourage her to sign up for a Knot account.  As soon as she posts her plans, she'll be set straight.  ;-)

Maggie0829

As a friend I would feel that it is ok to let another close friend know that what they are planning is rude to the guests.  You can let her know that you frequent TK and the etiquette boards and have read many circumstances like those that your friend is suggesting.  Also suggest she come on here and lurk.

However, you can tell her all the things you want but in the end she will do what she wants whether it is rude or not so just be prepared in case she doesn't listen to a word you have to say.

Meegles4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a577a5a3-a7ad-4312-afd7-b5ad9915a4c1Post:d69e49bb-cb00-416b-a043-a4e9a5213084">Re: need help</a>:
[QUOTE]As a friend I would feel that it is ok to let another close friend know that what they are planning is rude to the guests.  You can let her know that you frequent TK and the etiquette boards and have read many circumstances like those that your friend is suggesting.  Also suggest she come on here and lurk. However, you can tell her all the things you want but in the end she will do what she wants whether it is rude or not so just be prepared in case she doesn't listen to a word you have to say.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. She may still decide to do whatever she wants. I'd probably try to find out the reasoning behind her plans. If it's budget, try to help her cut the guest list or find venues that are affordable enough that everyone she wants can come. If it's family politics or this is a normal custom for her family to follow when it comes to weddings, help her see it from an outsider's perspective. I think just saying "this is against etiquette" isn't going to get you very far, but if you figure out why she's doing it, you might be able to help her find a way around it.

mkrupar

I don't fully understand this plan. Does each "shift" have to bring food? Wouldn't that result in 3 meals essentially? Or does shift one bring hors d'oeuvres, shift two bring the meal, and shift three bing the dessert? This plan sounds terrible and as her closest friend and MOH I would encourage you to tell her this and help her find ways to host the wedding she can afford properly.

Ali092011

I would think just explaining to her what a logistical nightmare this is would be enough to deter her. How is she planning on getting the first shift to leave right after the ceremony without giving them some kind of reception? People expect a reception, even if it's just a couple of cheese and fruit platters and tea/coffee. How is she going to ensure that the second shift leaves on time and the third doesn't arrive too early? She will end up having to actually ask people to leave, which sounds both rude and mortifying for all involved.

I agree with PPs about trying to help her find ways to save money without being rude to her guests.

pkontk

I think Ali hit the nail on the head.  I'd ask her how she plans to deal with the potential awkwardness of people arriving before their 'shift' or staying after their 'shift' or how the heck she is going to word the invitations.  Are her parents involved?  They must know how terrible this will look (regardless of whether or not they're contributing, the whole family will be judged hardcore.)

And the potluck thing... I can't even.

willywally5

Holy nuts. She is serious? Tacky, logistical nightmare and just plain awful is what  this shindig will be. 

Either talk to her or send her here. Quickly. Yegads.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a577a5a3-a7ad-4312-afd7-b5ad9915a4c1Post:ebfdb676-177c-4959-98f8-2fa5525a371b">Re: need help</a>:
[QUOTE]I think Ali hit the nail on the head.  I'd ask her how she plans to deal with the potential awkwardness of people arriving before their 'shift' or staying after their 'shift' or how the heck she is going to word the invitations.  Are her parents involved?  They must know how terrible this will look (regardless of whether or not they're contributing, the whole family will be judged hardcore.) And the potluck thing...<strong> I can't even.</strong>
Posted by pkontk[/QUOTE]

Yeah.  Holy hell she hasn't thought this out at ALL.  And I don't mean as a way to make it work. 

karulyne

like PPs said, pointing out what a logistical nightmare this is going to be, the potential hurt feelings of guests when they realize they're not going to see a wedding since those invites went to a different group, and that theyr'e just a 'shift' that will have to be kicked out for the next round of people....that should be enough to get her to reconsider without you directly having to say how rude her plans are. If she's at a loss redirect her a bit; there are plenty of ways to celebrate with all her guests, if she avoids mealtime then all she needs to do is provide some refreshments, a cake maybe. If she wants to have a meal but can't afford to feed everyone in her current 'shift' plan, then the guest list can be cut down, people will understand that if her finances are very limited that she can't have a big wedding.  

noahark1

And I thought I heard it all before.  I'd ask her who's going to clean up in between shifts... or are people expected to take a seat at already used table settings?  I can hear it now.  "Thank you for bringing a dish.  Just set it down right next to the half-eaten dish of pasta and don't mind the spills and drips. And sorry we don't have more wedding cake as that was enjoyed during the second shift but if I look hard enough I might be able to scrounge you up a piece"

I'm not against potluck receptions.  It's the "shifts" that are out there.