Should Anyone Else Have a Say in the Date of Your Wedding?

junegirl1973

I have always wanted an Autumn wedding. I've dreamed of having photos with the fall foilage in the backgroud.  I love Autum colors (I want my dresses to be Cranberry), and the seasonal food of fall has always appealed to me...butternut squash soup anyone?!  Mmmmm

So, when my sister told me just the other day that my nephew has obligations with his Marching band on every Saturday in September and October (2013), it took all of my inner strength to not go postal on her!  She then had the audacity to tell me that her friend suggested that I get married in August or December.

Should I give consideration to this possible conflict, or just stick with my original date and figure that they will find a way to work around it?

Help!

angelstar975

My opinion is that your nephew can miss one thing with his marching band for your wedding. Get married when you want to get married.

Katelyn89

No other people should not have a say, but you need to decide if they date is as important as your family members missing your wedding. Is he not able to miss one Saturday?

erollis

Plan on getting married in the fall because that is what you and your Fi want. It sounds like you have already checked to see if that time frame was ok with your vip's and only had the one issue. Marching band is important to your nephew but he can certainly miss one meet or game for your wedding. 

Simply Fated

Definitely do not let her dictate the date of your wedding. ESPECIALLY since she just crossed out an entire season.
My bf's sister is active in her school's dance team, so I totally understand how busy they get during the fall season, but that's a decision she'll have to make if we ever cross that bridge.

Would your sister need to travel far to attend your wedding? Because if not, her nephew can still do what ever he needs to do and she can still attend your wedding. Even if she has to travel, is there no one that can stay with him?

I dunno, I'm just throwing out suggestions because I don't think you should change your season for her. August and December might be bad for other people.

specialk84

Your nephew can either miss a day of marching band, or he can skip the wedding. That's how my nephew got out of BIL's wedding last August. Lucky.

aragx6

As long as you're OK with them not coming then you can have it whenever you want. You just have to be OK with that though -- don't get pissed later when she says they can't go. She gave you fair warning.

Maggie0829

The only people who should have a say in your wedding date are the people who are paying for it.

[Deleted User]

There will always be a conflict for someone.  Set your date, hope (not demand) they can make it, and leave it at that.  On their side, a high school commitment may be non-negotiable in missing it.  Yes even for a wedding.  So rather presumptuous on their part to suggest you accomodate their time restraints, but perhaps they were giving you a tacky heads up that they will not be able to attend.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-anyone-else-have-a-say-in-the-date-of-your-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a583879d-a335-4a3b-bf9e-bbaf7a0ae6eaPost:60da01a1-aabd-4a6d-a92e-638823dec7c6">Re: Should Anyone Else Have a Say in the Date of Your Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]My opinion is that your nephew can miss one thing with his marching band for your wedding. Get married when you want to get married.
Posted by angelstar975[/QUOTE]

This right here.

I think it comes down to the date you want, within reason.  I mean, if your Aunt Lucinda has a trip planned to Turkey and Africa and you're planning the wedding during that time hoping she'll cancel, then you're a jerk.  If you expect a kid to miss a marching band practice/event, that seems fair.

Loopyseven

The decision is ultimately yours.  If you still have it in September or October, and your sister AND nephew don't come you cannot be upset about it since you made the choice knowing the restriction.  So if you're okay with that, have the fall wedding.  If not having your sister there is a deal breaker I would find another time to have it.  And ditto, a high schooler probably has friends he can stay with for a weekend, and aren't most HS football games on Friday nights?  So what's he got to do on a Saturday?  If it's a competition thing, it's probably during the day.  If he's local - skip the ceremony and come for the reception

MattsPenguin

Is this a high school marching band?  I'm curious as to what conflicts are on EVERY single Saturday.  I did marching band in high school, and yes I was very busy with competitions on Saturdays, but it wasn't every single one.  If it's college, then he would have to miss a college football game.  That might be a hardship for someone like me (that's why I got married in May), but in all honesty, I would miss a game for a close family member's wedding.  My priorities aren't that skewed.

Anyway, like PP said, you can take into consideration others' conflicts, but in the end is up to you to decide what is more important:  a date/season or family members' abilities to attend.

jemmini6

Yes and no.  You can absolutely choose whatever date you wish.  However, if someone you deem a "VIP" has known conflicts, then normally you plan around them.  Their lives don't stop because you are getting married, so it's unfair to ask them to change their exiting plans before you even set your date.

Should your nephew be able to skip ONE Saturday for his aunt's wedding?  Probably, but if he can't (or even chooses not to), you absolutely cannot be upset about it.  Again, you knew he had plans, and you are planning your wedding during that time anyways.  It's fine to do so, but the risk you take is that they can't or won't change their plans for you.

Another option would be to compromise and have a Friday or Sunday wedding in the fall.  It's the season you want, but on a day that he can come.  Of course, on off days like that, you run the risk of other guests not being able to make it.

Basically, you will never please everyone with your date, so you choose what ultimately works best for you.  Only you can decide what your priorities are for your wedding/guest list, so once you determine that, you can go from there.

lyndausvi

The only people who have a say are you, your FI and any person(s) paying.

That said it's up to you to decide who your must haves are.  If having your nephew (and maybe your sister) there is important to you, then you might want to compromise.  If he is truly booked for every weekend in Sept and Oct can't you still get married in Nov?  Maybe pick a weekend that is not his homecoming or other 'big event?"

IDK, I do not know how good your nephew is at marching band to say he can just miss a day.  It's not always that simple.    Is he the drum major?   Is he good enough for a scholarship of some sort?    If the 'season' is only 8 weeks long, missing one week can be a big deal.

Summer2011Bride

I do think you should pick the date you want, but you know ahead of time a couple of your guests have conflicts, so you'll have to be OK with them missing.

Regarding skipping the marching band thing, I don't know his particular situation, but at the school where I teach, marching band is a class. I know the band director well, and I know that she gives them the schedule for the whole year far in advance (like they already have it for next school year) and if they miss some of the performances (dont know how many or if it's just one) they do get their grade reduced. I can see both sides. Yes, a wedding is a one-time affair that's a big deal for someone in his family. On the other hand, we're all about teaching young people responsibility. He knew ahead of time he had these dates and this committment and told you (or his mom did) ahead of time that he couldn't make it, so I do commend him for keeping his responsibility to the band.

Ultimately, if you're OK with them possibly missing or just nephew missing or what not, have your date in the fall. If they are VIP guests to you and absolutely have to be there, then you'll need to work with their schedule.

Winnertag1

You and your FI should be the only ones with say. 

I am dealing with a very similar issue. I had originally planned my wedding for April 20th 2013, my parents went on about how my sister would be in the middle of exams & how half my cousins in england would be in exams & so will my cousin in michigan etc etc. After weeks of them complaining i finally agreed to change the date to May 4th 2013, I didnt understand how if I had given more than a years notice how they couldnt give their prof a heads up that 'oh hey my sister is getting married would you be able to work something out for me". But whatever. NOW they are going on about how, now how the other half of my cousins in England wont be able to come & how my cousins in michigan still wont be able to come. They tried to throw it in my face that it was only 2 weeks after I finished exams & so I would be too busy with exams for the wedding when they had ulterior motives. Finally they admitted that other people wouldnt be able to come. I completely snapped, once you give in they just keep reaching for more. And on top of it all, I looked up my cousin's university exam schedule in Michigan & their last exam is the 3rd of May, the day before my wedding. So if it was that important of them to make it they would have atleast a day to get from michigan to toronto (4 hour drive) and thats if they have their exam on the last possible day on the last possible time slot. To my FI it was very important that his best man be able to attend & any day after May 4th was in May & June wouldnt work and at this point May 4th is questionable as well. 

This post ended up being a rant of all sorts, but stick with your date - dont give into other people. Once you give in they just reach for more. My parents actually told me that I was being SELFISH for not taking any of their dates into consideration and how i was not being flexible at all. 

[Deleted User]

Wedding trumps high school band. It is absurd for your sister to try to eliminate 2 consecutive months because of high school band. You shouldn't have to move to a Friday or a Sunday either. That's just ridiculous.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I was pretty adament about getting married in October. Others just pick whatever works for them.

You can consider Friday night, Saturday night (if that works better for your nephew) or Sunday, as well.

tpender13

I agree with everyone else that you should pick what works for you, and people will either alter their schedules to attend or they won't. You can't cater to everyone.

That being said, if the conflict is only Sept and Oct, would you be able to do it the first weekend in November without people b!tching about it? I ask because I got married the first weekend in November, and I feel like there were still fall colors around. Not certain since I didn't really care about having leaves in my pictures, but I would imagine that Minneapolis and Chicago would be fairly similar in their fall color timelines.

cbvcru67

I would talk to your sister again and find out a little more about your nephew's schedule.  Presumably, he's at least 12-13, if not older  (guessing my from my own experience with various high school and travel marching bands).  It may be possible for him to go to his concert/contest in the morning with a friend and then be dropped off to meet the family for the reception later.  Or, if he is that age, he may prefer to stay home all together if you and his mother don't care.

That may not be a popular suggestion, but it really depends on what is typical in your family.  Growing up, my siblings were very competitive athletes in the travel/premier leagues of their choice.  Because of their commitment to sports, they missed a lot of family events.  It never really bothered my parents if something was planned that didnt work for us and family members went along with their own vacation/holiday/party/whatever plans and we much happier because of it.  I know it's important to check with all your VIPs before setting a date, but I think your sister is ridiculous if she is saying an entire season is off-limits due to her child's preferred obligations. 

[Deleted User]

I agree with PP that your nephew should be able to miss one marching band event. However, he may choose not to and your sister has that option as well. If you want to be extra polite though you can at least ask him when homecoming / important competitions are so are that he isn't missing something he will regret. I definately skipped my cousin's bridal shower in high school for homecoming.

cbvcru67

Also, DileniN, I am genuinely curious - if you knew you had plenty of cousins in university both in the States and in England, did you really expect they would all be free the same weekend in May when it's finals time?  It doesn't bother me one way or the other that you chose to get married in May and I understand you seem to be trying to work with the Best Man's schedule, but I am a little surprised that you are surprised by the conflict.  Did one of your relatives give you incorrect information regarding their schedules?

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-anyone-else-have-a-say-in-the-date-of-your-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a583879d-a335-4a3b-bf9e-bbaf7a0ae6eaPost:d48c9dc1-9f7b-40d0-9442-53f9099f38f5">Re: Should Anyone Else Have a Say in the Date of Your Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wedding trumps high school band. It is absurd for your sister to try to eliminate 2 consecutive months because of high school band. You shouldn't have to move to a Friday or a Sunday either. That's just ridiculous.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

THIS^

My sister's BIL skipped his brother's wedding because he played high school football and he had heard scouts from Princeton would be at the game.

NOT

Winnertag1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-anyone-else-have-a-say-in-the-date-of-your-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a583879d-a335-4a3b-bf9e-bbaf7a0ae6eaPost:52c9839b-56a4-43f5-aaa0-039697cad15b">Re: Should Anyone Else Have a Say in the Date of Your Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, DileniN, I am genuinely curious - if you knew you had plenty of cousins in university both in the States and in England, did you really expect they would all be free the same weekend in May when it's finals time?  It doesn't bother me one way or the other that you chose to get married in May and I understand you seem to be trying to work with the Best Man's schedule, but I am a little surprised that you are surprised by the conflict.  Did one of your relatives give you incorrect information regarding their schedules?
Posted by cbvcru67[/QUOTE]
I wasnt surprised with the date conflicts, when i first picked the date I wasnt in speaking terms with my family so I didnt really consider them in the date. So I am not surprised by the conflict, I'm frustrated that my parents are constantly telling me I'm being selfish but not adhering to everyone's availability, and after I changed the date to a weekend where most of my cousins will be able to come (all of my cousins in michigan & most in england, maybe 1 its a good chance she will be able to come) and after i didnt want to change the date they are still harping on me for being selfish. Fi & I are trying to find a date that works for one of our guests & all of my parent's VIP's, and after we thought we found a compromise they still expect more.<div>
</div><div>All the date changes are after I had put down multiple deposits & lost them/had to change the venue. </div>

fergie1566

I picked my date because it would be easier on a family member and i totally regret it.

amorg334

Listen I remember from high school that things like weddings meant you could miss one night of band for an entire season and if I remember correctly band practices start at the begining of august so either way your sister will be unhappy.  Go and have the date you want a high school band will always be there and your sister needs to accept this fact.  You will never make everyone happy.

willywally5

Get married when you want. 

Your sister is out of line. If her son absolutely CAN NOT miss band due to some dire consequences, then he could go with another band kid and/or his/her family. Like a PP suggested, he could meet up with his own family later at the reception or dance.

(It is possible a nephew of marching band age really could care less about a wedding no matter whose it is and would be elated if he doesn't have to go.)

egm900

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-anyone-else-have-a-say-in-the-date-of-your-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a583879d-a335-4a3b-bf9e-bbaf7a0ae6eaPost:7ab3f725-9a0f-43f3-908b-89b4a9b89d6e">Re: Should Anyone Else Have a Say in the Date of Your Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Listen I remember from high school that things like weddings meant you could miss one night of band for an entire season and if I remember correctly band practices start at the begining of august so either way your sister will be unhappy.  Go and have the date you want a high school band will always be there and your sister needs to accept this fact.  You will never make everyone happy.
Posted by amorg334[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If competition starts in September, then there will definitely be required practices in August.  Ours were always in the evening/weekends to accommodate the kids whose parents worked and could not drive them to and from day time practice.  I think naming 2 months completely off limits is ridiculous, and handing out the schedule way in advance worked both ways in our band- we had a heads up, but were also able to give our director plenty of advance notice if there was an important event that we needed to miss for, like an aunt's wedding, and would be excused.

</div>

kmmssg

I'll just beat the dead horse here.  You pick the date you guys want that allows your non-negotiables (The people you wouldn't dream of being married without them being in attendance) and you go from there.  You can't please everyone.  You need to decide who is on the non-negotiable list (if any) and book your date.  You CAN'T work with everyone's schedule so you have to accommodate the best you can for your date.

Here's a little story from one of our girls:

8 years ago DH's youngest DD was 17 and secretly engaged to a 19 yo young man from church.  They had been dating 6  months and the 2 kids and their moms were sure it was a "God thing" that the kids be married the following Spring when stepdd was 18 1/2.  It was a very clandestine operation for awhile because DH and I think there are things an 18 yo young lady should consider.  Oh....like college, maybe?  She knew we wouldn't be thrilled with her decision.

When they came to announce their engagement/wedding the church and reception venue were already booked.  That was all great but I was already scheduled and had orders (7 months out) for my final NCO academy.  It was the only one where DH would be able to attend my graduation and we were rather excited about that.  Those orders are only cancelled if you die or an incredible unfortunate emergency falls your way.  You don't cancel for a wedding.  They had booked their wedding on my graduation weekend.  This put DH in the position of choosing her wedding or my graduation (and me not being able to attend for any reason).  He was so pissed about the secrecy of it all he was going to choose me but I wouldn't have let that happen.

Anyhoo - I guess she decided that we rated the non-negotiable list because she changed her date, but she was pissed.  This is why you decide who you absolutely have to have there and plan accordingly.  FTR - they have been separated for almost 2 years now and will divorce soon.

Choose the date you want but you absolutely must NOT be upset if someone has other life plans going on and they can't attend.  Your sister was being incredibly rude.  If the kid can attend your wedding, great!  If he can't, no big deal.

Hope your plans go as you wish!

junegirl1973

Wow, I love this community already, and I'm so glad I joined this site!  Boards like this are exactly what I need when I know that everyone else in my life, including my fiance are tired of talking about the wedding!

Thank you so much to everyone...if only I had the time to reply to you all individually!

There are so many excellent thoughts and opinions to consider here.

To answer a couple of questions, i was planning on having my sister as my matron of honor and have my nephew as a junior groomsman.  So, they are definitely VIP's.

Also, we are getting married 3 hours out of town, so most people will need to spend the night and come out on Friday.

Because of those two reasons, I can see why I should consider their schedule.   But then I think about how significant a day my wedding is, and does a Marching Band competition really compete with that?

And then I have my financee who doesn't want to bend when it comes to having it in September or October.  He has my back, but can be even more stubborn than I am.

Let's hope the rest of the planning is a lot less stressful than this has been so far!

Thanks again everyone!

willywally5

Well, that is a horse of a different color if nephew and sis are in the wedding party. I think you need to revisit the whole marching band thing. I mean, unless he is the drum major or it's for a grade or something, one would think he could surely miss ONE Saturday. It's not like he's part of a string quartet where his absence would surely be noticed, kwim? 

FWIW, my younger daughter is missing what was to be her first ever varsity dance team competition (10 girls on this elite team) for older daughter's wedding. Wedding date was set months before younger daughter even auditioned for the team. The team will deal with it; it's her only sister's wedding and it was never even a consideration that she'd miss it for dance competition.