DIL is a planning pirate!!

sweettartt80

My FI and I have been engaged since April and are planning an April wedding.  Second marriage for both of us and he has two grown kids.  The oldest just got engaged and is planning a short engagement with an early October date.  DIL asked me to be maid of honor so I can help her with planning.  Sat down this week and looked at her plans and not only is she using the same venue (family church, no biggie), same flower girl and ring bearer, cake designer, and seamstress, but she unknowingly hijacked my wedding colors!  So, do I speak up or go with my plan B?  We are spending a lot more money on ours than she is and I would hate for our reception to outshine hers with them being so similar, but I kida had my heart set!  HELP!

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dil-planning-pirate-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5bf6978-f78a-4eba-924a-cb2e525b17f4Post:36c49311-c877-4776-82fb-b56e180b26c7">DIL is a planning pirate!!</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I have been engaged since April and are planning an April wedding.  Second marriage for both of us and he has two grown kids.  The oldest just got engaged and is planning a short engagement with an early October date.  DIL asked me to be maid of honor so I can help her with planning.  Sat down this week and looked at her plans and not only is she using the same venue (family church, no biggie), same flower girl and ring bearer, cake designer, and seamstress, but she unknowingly hijacked my wedding colors!  So, do I speak up or go with my plan B?  We are spending a lot more money on ours than she is and I would hate for our reception to outshine hers with them being so similar, but I kida had my heart set!  HELP!
Posted by sweettartt80[/QUOTE]
<p> </p><p>If you don't want to have the same colours then I would say to go with your plan B. The colours which you've both independently chosen are no more 'yours' than they are hers. </p><p> </p><p>Are your reception venues the same? Expense does not a great wedding make, and I wouldn't be concerned about 'outshining' based on expense alone. Even if you had exactly the same venues with the same colours and attendants, I'm quite certain that each wedding would be unique due to the differing tastes of the couple planning. </p>

MommyMarta08

I feel like you had your time to shine---you are older now and it's your second wedding. Let her have her day; isn't your wedding going to be a lot smaller? I'd assume so since it's your second. Why are you spending more money on your SECOND wedding than you are on your DIL's wedding. Shouldn't your Fiance be contributing more to his daughter's wedding than his own? 

sweettartt80

I really want to respond to you guys without sounding defensive and I re-read my post and I know it sounds a little selfish.  I don't mean it to be.  I want their day to be beautiful and wonderful and unique.  I just didn't know if it would be proper etiquette to bring up the fact that she chose the same colors and style and all that.  ( BTW she is marrying FI's son) On a separate note, why would our wedding be smaller just because it's not the first one for each of us?  We both had small weddings the first time and now, BECAUSE we are older, we have more family and friends than we did last time.

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dil-planning-pirate-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5bf6978-f78a-4eba-924a-cb2e525b17f4Post:21d95d04-24f0-43cf-b44a-891184685da2">Re: DIL is a planning pirate!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I really want to respond to you guys without sounding defensive and I re-read my post and I know it sounds a little selfish.  I don't mean it to be.  I want their day to be beautiful and wonderful and unique. <strong> I just didn't know if it would be proper etiquette to bring up the fact that she chose the same colors and style and all that. </strong> ( BTW she is marrying FI's son) On a separate note, why would our wedding be smaller just because it's not the first one for each of us?  We both had small weddings the first time and now, BECAUSE we are older, we have more family and friends than we did last time.
<p>Posted by sweettartt80[/QUOTE]</p><p>It's not, because her choices are <em>her</em> choices- just as yours are your own. You don't own rights to a particular set of colours, styles or attendants. Given that your wedding falls after hers, you can make a choice to do something differently if the overlap of choices worries you. </p>

sweettartt80

I have no problem going to my plan B.  It's simply a shift of colors and centerpieces.  I seem to have forgotten to mention that she wants me to PLAN her wedding, so what I'm afraid of is that the finished product is not going to be a refelction of her choices.  She just gave me some lists she made and a budget and told me to run with it.  I only shared because I thought it was a little funny that she picked the exact same things I did and am concerned that once all the weddings are done, she will look back and compare them and since FI and I have had more time to plan and a bigger budget, she will feel like she got the short end.  She doesn't want to be involved with the planning at all when it comes down to final choices, she bought her gown and shoes and chose the venue and colors and is leaving everything else up to me.

polichik

Dude, if she wants a wedding, she has to plan it. Did you volunteer to plan the wedding? Do you even want to? I would never DREAM of asking my FMIL to plan my wedding if she was busy planning hers. I think she needs to do her thing and let you do yours. It's not your responsibility to simultaneously plan two weddings. Then, if things end up being similar, it's not a big deal.

quotequeen

Maybe you should decline the honor of being her unpaid wedding planner.

brilibby4

I feel like your story and tone is changing with each post.  I'm assuming she knows she has chosen the same colors as you, no?  If so than there is no point mentioning it to her as she obviously chose them and doesn't care about the similarities.  If she isn't aware I see no problem with you saying "haha that is too funny, we chose blue and green as our colors too FDIL".  October and April are pretty far apart from each other and I highly doubt anyone other than you and FDIL will compare the weddings or notice the similarities by the time your wedding comes along.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dil-planning-pirate-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5bf6978-f78a-4eba-924a-cb2e525b17f4Post:00a2212a-ac97-4222-aeaf-617c6018ded7">Re: DIL is a planning pirate!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like you had your time to shine---you are older now and it's your second wedding. Let her have her day; isn't your wedding going to be a lot smaller? I'd assume so since it's your second. <strong>Why are you spending more money on your SECOND wedding than you are on your DIL's wedding. Shouldn't your Fiance be contributing more to his daughter's wedding than his own? 
</strong>Posted by MommyMarta08[/QUOTE]

Seriously?  Who are you to say how much people give to their childrens weddings?  It is not a requirement to give money to your childrens weddings, and there is no set amount you have to give.  Also, there is no rule saying how much or how little you can spend, or how big or small your wedding  can be, whether its your first, second, or fifth. 

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dil-planning-pirate-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5bf6978-f78a-4eba-924a-cb2e525b17f4Post:00a2212a-ac97-4222-aeaf-617c6018ded7">Re: DIL is a planning pirate!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like you had your time to shine---you are older now and it's your second wedding. Let her have her day; isn't your wedding going to be a lot smaller? I'd assume so since it's your second. Why are you spending more money on your SECOND wedding than you are on your DIL's wedding. Shouldn't your Fiance be contributing more to his daughter's wedding than his own? 
Posted by MommyMarta08[/QUOTE]

You and Kristin numbers will get allong great.

MommyMarta08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dil-planning-pirate-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5bf6978-f78a-4eba-924a-cb2e525b17f4Post:c44b9cc5-871a-4115-b9d3-915a34d20c1e">Re: DIL is a planning pirate!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: DIL is a planning pirate!! : Seriously?  Who are you to say how much people give to their childrens weddings?  It is not a requirement to give money to your childrens weddings, and there is no set amount you have to give.  Also, there is no rule saying how much or how little you can spend, or how big or small your wedding  can be, whether its your first, second, or fifth. 
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I think it is INCREDIBLY selfish for a father to spend all this money on his second wedding instead of helping out his son and future daughter in law on theirs. What kind of parent wouldn't want their child to have the nicest wedding they can provide? They can probably provide a lot more if they weren't spending a lot of money on their own. I can't imagine having parents who put themselves before their child. Shouldn't the son's wedding be the bigger event? </div>

temerityjane

That's how I plan to raise children. So they grow up knowing that they're automatically entitled to everything I have, even if I need it for myself, or even if they need it for something frivolous and unnecessary, like a big wedding.

The world needs more kids growing up believing that they should have everything they ever wanted handed to them.

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dil-planning-pirate-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5bf6978-f78a-4eba-924a-cb2e525b17f4Post:4bd01175-cb5c-46cb-b95a-a8f2a075b901">Re: DIL is a planning pirate!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: DIL is a planning pirate!! : I think it is INCREDIBLY selfish for a father to spend all this money on his second wedding instead of helping out his son and future daughter in law on theirs. What kind of parent wouldn't want their child to have the nicest wedding they can provide? They can probably provide a lot more if they weren't spending a lot of money on their own. I can't imagine having parents who put themselves before their child. Shouldn't the son's wedding be the bigger event? 
Posted by MommyMarta08[/QUOTE]

Parents aren't obligated to pay for weddings, Deluded One.

kellyjellybelly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dil-planning-pirate-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5bf6978-f78a-4eba-924a-cb2e525b17f4Post:4bd01175-cb5c-46cb-b95a-a8f2a075b901">Re: DIL is a planning pirate!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: DIL is a planning pirate!! : I think it is INCREDIBLY selfish for a father to spend all this money on his second wedding instead of helping out his son and future daughter in law on theirs. What kind of parent wouldn't want their child to have the nicest wedding they can provide? They can probably provide a lot more if they weren't spending a lot of money on their own. I can't imagine having parents who put themselves before their child. Shouldn't the son's wedding be the bigger event? 
Posted by MommyMarta08[/QUOTE]
My parents didn't pay for my wedding.  Selfish assholes.  How dare they spend their hard earned money on themselves.  I can't believe they have a life beyond their children.  <div>And I love every minute of my wedding that H and I paid for ourselves.</div>

HisCB

thanks dnbeach12. i was thinking the same thing

when a child is mature enough to be wed, they should be mature enough to take on the costs of becoming wed, and the party to celebrate that event. and if they are mature they would WANT to pay their own way and not have everything handed to them.

i would hope that  more parents would encourage their child to stand on their own rather than pay their child's way.

and there was no mention that daddy wasnt paying for both weddings. you dont know the story as for money. i think after raising adult children daddy deserves to spend his money as he wants to, if he wants to buy a beachhouse or plan an elaborate wedding, thats HIS money. not his children's money.

its not like he is opting to spend money on his wedding over pay for life saving operation or something.

OP, i think you make a great point, that if you plan the kids' wedding, it wont be personalized to them. i would talk with her, and let her know that it would be great for you and her to bond over wedding plans, but you just arent going to do it all.

as for the colors being the same, lots of wedding have the same colors. thats no big deal. ditto PP who said no one but the 2 couple will even notice the similarities.

Noellesmama

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dil-planning-pirate-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5bf6978-f78a-4eba-924a-cb2e525b17f4Post:4bd01175-cb5c-46cb-b95a-a8f2a075b901">Re: DIL is a planning pirate!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: DIL is a planning pirate!! : I think it is INCREDIBLY selfish for a father to spend all this money on his second wedding instead of helping out his son and future daughter in law on theirs. What kind of parent wouldn't want their child to have the nicest wedding they can provide? They can probably provide a lot more if they weren't spending a lot of money on their own. I can't imagine having parents who put themselves before their child. Shouldn't the son's wedding be the bigger event? 
Posted by MommyMarta08[/QUOTE]

Really? How INCREDIBILY selfish of you to think this way!

My parents are contributing what they can for my upcoming wedding because they wanted to, not beacuse they are obligated to.

You'll go far here on TK.

LD1970

My parents offered to pay for my whole wedding.  I turned down the offer.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dil-planning-pirate-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5bf6978-f78a-4eba-924a-cb2e525b17f4Post:4bd01175-cb5c-46cb-b95a-a8f2a075b901">Re: DIL is a planning pirate!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: DIL is a planning pirate!! : I think it is INCREDIBLY selfish for a father to spend all this money on his second wedding instead of helping out his son and future daughter in law on theirs. What kind of parent wouldn't want their child to have the nicest wedding they can provide? They can probably provide a lot more if they weren't spending a lot of money on their own. I can't imagine having parents who put themselves before their child. Shouldn't the son's wedding be the bigger event? 
Posted by MommyMarta08[/QUOTE]

Wow, seriously? 

I bet you drive around in a car that says "Princess" on it somewhere.

And that you seriously refer to your wedding as your "Pretty Pretty Princess Day."

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dil-planning-pirate-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5bf6978-f78a-4eba-924a-cb2e525b17f4Post:1c306895-2931-43e0-aff6-c66233e3d370">Re: DIL is a planning pirate!!</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents offered to pay for my whole wedding.  I turned down the offer.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

Uh.  Okay.   A little random, but okay.

squirrly

I would decline to plan her wedding, first of all.  And, I'd certainly decline to do so without clearer input from the couple.  As for what you should do - you should do what suits you and your FI best.  If you have an alternative color scheme, I would likely switch, but even a little variation in shades can make a huge difference from one wedding to the next.  Different decor styles (using paper lanterns vs twinkle lights; big floral centerpieces vs candles; etc.) can make a HUGE difference from one wedding to the next. 

polichik

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dil-planning-pirate-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5bf6978-f78a-4eba-924a-cb2e525b17f4Post:1c306895-2931-43e0-aff6-c66233e3d370">Re: DIL is a planning pirate!!</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents offered to pay for my whole wedding.  I turned down the offer.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

Congratulations?

LD1970

Um... not so random and I wasn't looking for congratulations.  I'm in the midst of moving and just wrote a very quick & short response which basically said what everyone else has said - parents aren't obligated to pay, and people getting married should be prepared to pay for their own weddings.

In essence, "ditto what they said."

polichik

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dil-planning-pirate-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5bf6978-f78a-4eba-924a-cb2e525b17f4Post:0934249b-e7a9-4f8e-a577-2634cec0ed43">Re: DIL is a planning pirate!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Um... not so random and I wasn't looking for congratulations.  I'm in the midst of moving and just wrote a very quick & short response which basically said what everyone else has said - parents aren't obligated to pay, and people getting married should be prepared to pay for their own weddings. In essence, "ditto what they said."
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

Ah, I see. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Far too often, we see a whole bunch of "ZOMG I paid for my own wedding, am far superior to everyone else, and I want a medal!" I shouldn't have assumed that's what you were doing.