Baby Dilemma

Jle123

Hi All,

Before planning my wedding I always heard about people struggling with the no kids rule and wondered...how hard can it be, just say no. WELL, I am now finding out how stressful it can be. My fiance and I decided that we do not want any kids under the age of 10 at our wedding. We are getting married on NYE, festivities will start later than usual and I just don't think it's an appropriate setting for younger kids (that and i don't want a baby screaming during our ceremony). Everyone has been very understanding of the no kids rule, except for his best man. His best man has 2 kids...a 10 year old who is 1 of 4 kids invited to the wedding, and a toddler who will be 14 months at the time of our wedding. He and his wife asked if the kids would be invited and we informed them that the older one is more than welcome but we don't want babies to attend. Well, my fiance recieved a message that if his best man can't bring both of his kids then he won't attend the wedding.

I am mad, shocked, and hurt because of what I view as selfish behavior. My fiance and his best man are childhood fbest riends and I am in disbelief that he is even putting us in this situation.

We have family members who we are not allowing to bring children, and I just feel like once we let one come the flood gates will open up and we will go from 0 kids to 10 kids.

Am I being unreasonable? Do I just give in and allow the best man to bring his baby? My fiance is quite mad and hurt by the ultimatum that his best man has given him, but he also does not want children to attend.

Please help! Please let me know if I am being unreasonable or if I'm correct in sticking to my rule of no kids.

Thank you!!

[Deleted User]

While I agree due to the timing and date of your event, it is not appropriate for young children, you are splitting up the family of a member of your bridal party and this is generally frowned upon.  

You are well within your rights as hosts to exclude young children.  I think it would be nice to make the accommodation because he is your FI's BM.  

AdeleDazeem

You aren't being unreasonable.  If you want no kids, stick to your guns.  That might mean that your best man will not attend and only you two can decide if that's a big deal to you.

Unfortunately, there's nothing magical we can say that will either make the best man go "Oh!  Of course - no baby tonight!  That's fine!" or you to say "Oh!  Babies can come!  Sure!"  You are at an impasse and will have to decide who will concede.

If it were me, I'd ask him what the trouble was with leaving the baby at home.  It might be a fixable solution (like, they don't have adequate childcare in the area - you can help them find something they are comfortable with).  But, the problem might be more sticky.  I would probably allow the baby to come, but I don't know all the details.

lyndausvi

It's not fair to split up families.  You should have thought of how your random cut off effects some families.

That said, I don't know why a parent even wants a 10 year old and 14 month old out on NYE? Whatever.

Anyway, I would stick to my guns.  Have your FI explain that inviting his 14 month old means you have to invite another 10+ kids.  If he still says they will not come, tell them they will be missed.

SKPM

If your wedding is really on Dec. 31, 2013, and BM's kid will be 14 months old, then the child in dispute isn't even born yet, correct? I get that it will still be an issue, it just seems a little early to be arguing with the BM about a child that isn't out of the womb yet. That aside, you and your FI are well within your rights to make any no-kid rules you like, and your guests are within their rights to decide that their children are more important to them than your wedding. Do other WP members have young children that won't be invited? If not, or if not many, I would probably allow BM (and other WP members if applicable) to bring their kids. If these are your closest friends and family, and particularly if they are traveling and potentially spending more money on your wedding than other guests, I think it is a nice gesture and an acceptable line to draw (only WP kids).

monkeysip

I agree with Stage. It's not improper etiquette to not invite kids, but I do find splitting families and your cut off age problematic. If it were me, I'd honestly make an exception for the best man. But I'm not saying you HAVE to.

JaxInBlue

I think what is making this situation difficult for the best man is that is family is being split up.  In general, the best thing to do when implementing an age cut off it to choose one that will not split up families, or something like 16, 18, 21 - where there is a implied adulthood or grown-up-ness in the decision.

Also, because your wedding is not until 2013, this toddler is probably a very new baby right now.  This might make it more difficult for the best man and his wife to separate their excitement at this new family member from your decision; they are probably excited about sharing their new family and your decision not to include the younger child runs counter to that.  On top of that, it may be more difficult for them to think about securing a babysitter for a 14 month old than for an older child, especially on a holiday. 

You and your FI absolutely do not have to change your minds, but given the time you have, in my opinion, you could just give this more time.  Wedding party children, like immediate family and nieces/nephews are common exceptions to a standard "no children" rule, so if you decide to change your minds, it wouldn't necessarily mean inviting all kids.  You may also want to consider how far the BM and family need to travel, how much ability they have to secure a sitter, and if this will have a long term negative impact on your friendship (this is your FI's decision).  If you and your FI do decide to hold course, though, you can't be upset that they decline to participate - invitations, even to BP members, are not subpoenas.   

banana468

I'm not a fan of splitting families either and I don't really get how 10 is the appropriate cut off.   I'd rather you pick an older age where children may be able to stay up but that ship sailed.

Either way, you're OK to do what you did.   You're picking an age and sticking to it and that means that some people need sitters for their children.   Ask the BM if you can help him with childcare.   If it means that he won't be attending because his kids go with him everywhere he does then that's a battle you're picking.   You may not have a BM that day but IMO he's the one that looks like a tool for declining a NYE wedding.

loca4pook

FYI...People sometimes have a VERY  difficult time finding babysitters on NYE...You might run in to some issues due to that fact.

Honestly? I would cave cuz he is in the wedding party and he is your husband's best friend since childhood........I wouldn't risk having your hubby lose smoeone that important to him

Jle123

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the responses.

In terms of travel, it shouldn't be an issue as they are only travling 20 minutes to the wedding.I do see that splitting up a family could be problematic. I guess I just don't understand why they would want such a young child there. Which I'm sure is something I don't understand since I don't have kids.

Sorry, I should have explained the age cut off better...we decided on 10 because of the best man's older son...we would enjoy having him there because my fiance is obviously close to him. Other than him the other "kids" invited are 11, 12, and 14. None of my friends have kids and no one else in the bridal party has kids.

I had a typo..the baby will be 16 months old..he was born 2 months ago.

I guess we have to decide if sticking to our rule is more important than having them there.

Thanks for the advice!

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_baby-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a730ac8d-3f9e-4ed9-a6c2-dac67c46930ePost:fac20f34-0015-4813-b0f3-7495fa16cccb">Re: Baby Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]FYI...People sometimes have a VERY  difficult time finding babysitters on NYE...You might run in to some issues due to that fact. Honestly? I would cave cuz he is in the wedding party and he is your husband's best friend since childhood........I wouldn't risk having your hubby lose smoeone that important to him
Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]

So?

This guy knows that he'll need a sitter OVER A YEAR in advance.   That excuse is absolute BS.  

I also seriously doubt that any young child will be able to stay awake and composed until after midnight.  

getaclue44

Easy answer is to tell him no kids. That way the family isn't being split.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_baby-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a730ac8d-3f9e-4ed9-a6c2-dac67c46930ePost:11527be4-7c4c-4088-bea1-5b6a6108fdc8">Re:Baby Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Baby Dilemma: But you know a lot of 10 year olds who can? I agree the bride has the right to invite or not invite whoever she likes, but the whole making parenting decisions for about whether or not their children should be there always rubs me the wrong way. At 2, I would have been FINE at a wedding past midnight. At 12, my brother couldn't stay out past 9 without turning into Satan's spawn. If someone doesn't WANT kids there or certain kids, then fine. But acting like it's for the parents' own good is presumptuous and overstepping, IMO. Not inviting the baby doesn't guarantee the BM will stay for the whole reception.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Highly unlikely there as well.   However it's more likely that the 10 yo won't throw a temper tantrum when tired.   The toddler would.

ZeroOrchestra

In Response to Re:Baby Dilemma:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Baby Dilemma:In Response to Re:Baby Dilemma: But you know a lot of 10 year olds who can? I agree the bride has the right to invite or not invite whoever she likes, but the whole making parenting decisions for about whether or not their children should be there always rubs me the wrong way. At 2, I would have been FINE at a wedding past midnight. At 12, my brother couldn't stay out past 9 without turning into Satan's spawn. If someone doesn't WANT kids there or certain kids, then fine. But acting like it's for the parents' own good is presumptuous and overstepping, IMO. Not inviting the baby doesn't guarantee the BM will stay for the whole reception.Posted by StageManager14Highly unlikely there as well.nbsp;nbsp; However it's more likely that the 10 yo won't throw a temper tantrum when tired.nbsp;nbsp; The toddler would. Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Not necessarily. H's family has holiday parties and birthday parties throughout the year that go very late. Occasionally we will go and bring our 2 year old son who could probably stay up later than me if I let him. Normally, yes, he goes to bed at 830, but on special occasions he is good to go and we plan for it.

I agree with Stage that saying you don't want kids there because it's an inappropriate time is silly. Not wanting kids is fine, but don't feel the need to make excuses why.

As far as OP, you can stick to your guns of you like but splitting up families can be tough and the just be ok with the fact that the BM may leave early or not attend.

Peledreamsofrain

If his excuse is about a babysitter, then perhaps you can call his bluff and offer to pay for one for the night.

That way you are flexible, congenial, and understanding of the difficulties he may be facing.

tmwishful

Stick to your guns.  I have a 14 month old and I would never take her out for new years eve festivities.  Her bedtime is 7:30 so I don't know how your fiance's friend plans to work around that.  As for the older child, they're better off leaving both home with a sitter.  But you have to apply the rules to all or none.

MartinAston

First, I understand your anticipation, but since your wedding is so far off you might want to give this one time. I GUARANTEE the reason your BM is saying that is because the baby is 2 months old right now and in their minds they can't imagine leaving their child. I bet they will come around. They are having separation anxiety with their baby and when your wedding comes around they'll most likely want a night out, especially if it's on NYE. I don't think they are rationally thinking given the fact the baby is so new. What would they do all night with a toddler. THat toddler wouldn't make it all night so they'd have to leave early, which I'm sure would upset you too. My best friend pulled this bs on me too of not wanting to leave her baby. And her child is a year! But I stood my ground. I know this comment might upset some people but I don't think you can always pull the mom/dad card with an alternative. But at the end of the day he is in your WP so it's a gray area and they have a right to make a decision do their family. Just as much as you have the same right for your wedding. But things will change. I jumped the gun on planning with my wedding and lots were different. But I'm sure everything will work out for you.

Jle123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_baby-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a730ac8d-3f9e-4ed9-a6c2-dac67c46930ePost:ec086d03-cb3e-4f40-a82f-ea304e0ea351">Re:Baby Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]First, I understand your anticipation, but since your wedding is so far off you might want to give this one time. I GUARANTEE the reason your BM is saying that is because the baby is 2 months old right now and in their minds they can't imagine leaving their child. I bet they will come around. They are having separation anxiety with their baby and when your wedding comes around they'll most likely want a night out, especially if it's on NYE. I don't think they are rationally thinking given the fact the baby is so new. What would they do all night with a toddler. THat toddler wouldn't make it all night so they'd have to leave early, which I'm sure would upset you too. My best friend pulled this bs on me too of not wanting to leave her baby. And her child is a year! But I stood my ground. I know this comment might upset some people but I don't think you can always pull the mom/dad card with an alternative. But at the end of the day he is in your WP so it's a gray area and they have a right to make a decision do their family. Just as much as you have the same right for your wedding. But things will change. I jumped the gun on planning with my wedding and lots were different. But I'm sure everything will work out for you.
Posted by MartinAston[/QUOTE]


That's a really good point and not something that I had considered. However, it doesn't sound like it's the case. Come to find out they have declined 3 weddings this year because their oldest wasn't invited (the baby wasn't yet born). The fiance was supposed to be a bridesmaid in one of the weddings and they bailed when they found out that their kid wasn't invited. 2 other weddings were cousins. So it sounds like they are not going to change their position, if their kids aren't invited they aren't coming. It's sad to see how hurt my fiance is, but it's better to find out early in the planning stages than closer to the wedding. We have decided to stick to our decision and not to allow infants at the wedding. It's an unfortunate situation and one that I wish had a better outcome.

MartinAston

Good for you to stick to your guns. Obviously their kids are the most special kids in the world. I don't like kids myself so I'm inclined to side with you. I think it's even nice to let the other kids come given that it'll be a late party. Still don't get why they would want to bring a toddler to NYE, but oh well.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_baby-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a730ac8d-3f9e-4ed9-a6c2-dac67c46930ePost:086ff82b-d0cd-4763-8690-ab2934b8ec75">Re:Baby Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Baby Dilemma : That's a really good point and not something that I had considered. However, it doesn't sound like it's the case. Come to find out they have declined 3 weddings this year because their oldest wasn't invited (the baby wasn't yet born). The fiance was supposed to be a bridesmaid in one of the weddings and they bailed when they found out that their kid wasn't invited. 2 other weddings were cousins. <strong>So it sounds like they are not going to change their position, if their kids aren't invited they aren't coming</strong>. It's sad to see how hurt my fiance is, but it's better to find out early in the planning stages than closer to the wedding. We have decided to stick to our decision and not to allow infants at the wedding. It's an unfortunate situation and one that I wish had a better outcome.
Posted by Jle123[/QUOTE]

It sucks for you that they decided not to come, but it is their decision.  Some parents (justified or not) think that their kids should be included in everything that they do, and will not attend events to which their little ones aren't invited.  If this is par for the course on their front, don't take it personally.