Fiance's children VS other people's children

Knottie_22383402

We are in a bit of a tricky spot when it comes to the "child free" - ness of our wedding. 

My Fiance has 2 children from a previous marriage and OF COURSE they are going to be included - we have decided we want them at the ceremony and present at the reception for the dinner but then afterwards they will leave with someone (not sure who yet but likely a friend or family member will do this) so we can enjoy a more "adult" time.  I don't want to have to worry about them getting cranky from being up too late, and also want him to be able to RELAX and ENJOY and not have to be "daddy" for the rest of the night. 

However, we don't want any other children there -and are concerned friends / family may question why "his" children are allowed and not others.. is this doable?

If he didn't have children of his own we wouldn't have ANY children there at all we both feel we want a formal event that really isn't that suitable for children.  HIS children MUST be included as they are part of our newly created "family"  (they don't live with us but .. we both feel strongly they need to be on board with our whole wedding / marriage) .. other children aren't part of our "family" in the same way.. so we don't feel a need to include them ..

Advice? 

misssunshine17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-children-vs-other-peoples-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a748b7c1-08b6-4dcc-92d5-69e453893dbcPost:8d9658b2-3572-4679-b447-d8c57878b96e">Re: Fiance's children VS other people's children</a>:
[QUOTE]If anyone gets their panties in a twist of the fact that the GROOM'S children were invited to the wedding but not their special snowflakes, they're seriously out of line. 
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

This.

AddieCake

I would never question why the groom's kids got to be there and no other kids did.

Knottie_22383402

Thanks Ladies this is what - I - thought too but I've already had one cousin say that they don't "agree" and that their daughter should also be invited ... which makes me not even want to invite this cousin lol .. sad to say I'm scared they might just show up with their daughter and THEN what do you do?

misssunshine17

Some parents are crazy. In that situation, I think you'd have to find a chair and grin & bare it. They'll look crazy and you'll look like the calm, awesome bride.

Knottie_22383402

Haha you ladies are awesome ..

Thanks glad we seem to be on the same page - Do you feel though that its reasonable to have the kids (HIS KIDS) leave after the dinner though.. my mother has expressed concerns that it might look like "we are trying to get rid" of them .. but we just want them to enjoy the time they are there and not ruin the night by grumpy children and also avoid them feeling hurt that they are not the centre of their father's attention... They will be 7 and 9 at the time of the wedding so not YOUNG but not like teenagers either...

STARMOON44

How old are these kids?  Unless they're little tots who will fall asleep at 8pm, I don't think you should have someone remove them after dinner.  They might get a kick out of staying and it never sits right with me to invite anyone, even kids, to only part of the event.  I know as a little kid I would have been crushed to miss out.

NYCMercedes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-children-vs-other-peoples-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a748b7c1-08b6-4dcc-92d5-69e453893dbcPost:3be3ab86-25d9-4fa7-a0a2-d5f9c0392a89">Re: Fiance's children VS other people's children</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks Ladies this is what - I - thought too but I've already had one cousin say that they don't "agree" and that their daughter should also be invited ... which makes me not even want to invite this cousin lol .. sad to say I'm scared they might just show up with their daughter and THEN what do you do?
Posted by mstallae[/QUOTE]

Just address the invitation to the adults. If she puts a third person on the reply card, tell her the invitation was for those to whom it was addressed. If she says they won't come without their golden one, tell her they'll be missed and that you'll see them another time. I would stand firm. His kids are HIS kids. They deserve special treatment at their dad's wedding.

Your wedding isn't for a year and a half. If it comes into any conversation, I'd just smile, not answer, and change the subject. No use addressing it now with the crazies.

MsYeck

8 and 9? Then I would let them stay until about 9 or 10, not too late or too early

Knottie_22383402

7 and 9 but yeah same difference .. and we figure dinner would be over around 8 / 830 and by the time dancing starts it will be around 930 .. they would be leaving somewhere between dinner ending and dancing starting basically.. possibly have them stay and watch the first dance and then go?

Simply Fated

In Response to Re:Fiance's children VS other people's children:[QUOTE]Haha you ladies are awesome .. Thanks glad we seem to be on the same page Do you feel though that its reasonable to have the kids HIS KIDS leave after the dinner though.. my mother has expressed concerns that it might look like "we are trying to get rid" of them .. but we just want them to enjoy the time they are there and not ruin the night by grumpy children and also avoid them feeling hurt that they are not the centre of their father's attention... They will be 7 and 9 at the time of the wedding so not YOUNG but not like teenagers either... Posted by mstallae[/QUOTE]
I just feel bad for the person who has to shuttle them out of there. I mean, if it's a friend or family member, won't they be a guest at the wedding?

Knottie_22386269

Let them stay. It will make them feel important and you might get some cute memories on camera. When I was little I went to a wedding, stayed out late, and danced with my brother. And it's always fun to a child to stay up past there bedtime and stay at an adult party.

Knottie_22382102

I think the couples kids and flower girl and ring bearer don't count.

nextrightthing

I don't think they should have to leave after dinner.  Honestly, that's going to make them feel bad, no matter how you cut it.

I agree with PP that it is okay to invite only your FI's kids.

 However, just to give you some perspective, people might be judging because they wonder why you aren't making more of an effort to help his kids feel included.  One of the ways that shows is that you are very clear about wanting a kid-free wedding and his kids are the only exception.  I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, but as a mom, I'm striving to have my son feel welcome at the wedding because it will set the tone for our little family after the wedding.  For us, this means we are inviting his future cousins and some of my friends' children who are also his little friends.   This doesn't mean we are making it about him or saying vows to him lol, but we want him to feel like he is "part of." 

That's just me. Of course, anyone who actually brings this up to you is really rude. I'm just kind of playing the devil's advocate here.

Edited to add: the second part is just my opinion, not etiquette.  As PPs made clear, you are certainly not violating etiquette by inviting only your FI's kids. 

NOLAbridealmost

I'd let them stay. If they get tired or cranky the guest watching them (their mom?) can choose to leave early. I remember being taken home from wedding receptions early as a kid, but never by request of the bride and groom....my parents simply knew when enough was enough.

s-aries8990

Where is your venue in relation to where they will be going?. I'd say let them stay for at least SOME of the dancing. It's a BIG moment in their lives too, and they should be considered - they're at a tender age where what YOU as their new SM does will make a big difference.

My dad got married to his wife (note- I don't call her my step mother) when I was 10 and they had an afternoon tea-sandwich/JOP do. All I remember is them being pissed because he had to pick us up for the wedding and drive us there, we weren't recognized during the "reception" (No "Thanks for everyone being here! I love my family and I love my kids") and then everyone left after like 20 minutes, even her own kids who were older teens. My brother and I stared at eachother while they danced in the livingroom to Phantom of the Opera. How you regard them will make an impact on how they feel about you!

This is a special occasion, ask someone to keep an eye on them for most of the night, but let them stay up late! Let them stay until 10/10:30 at least or whenever they start to get really cranky. My cousin and her husband aren't spring chickens (40 & 47?) and when they have parties at home, their kids still go strong around the 11pm mark before they're shuttled upstairs to bed. They'll remember if you kick them out or you let them have fun and dance with them!

kmmssg

Yeah, I don't think they should have to leave either.  They are old enough to behave and to be honest, the dancing is the fun part of the reception and they would most likely really enjoy that.  It is also an awesome time to make sure you each dance with them and cement a special memory.

If they were toddlers I would agree that them going home would be a good idea.  I'm a stepmom too and I think they are way too old to be banished after dinner and before dancing.

Also,  please, please, please DO NOT ask someone to leave your reception early to take them home.  These are your guests and they should not have to end their night early to do a favor for you.

When we got married we had 4 girls between 9 and 15.  SIL and BIL took them home at the end of the night. Our toddler stayed with us.  The following day his parents hosted the annual "family day" for all 7 kids and their families since everyone was in the area.

Let the kids stay.  They will have a blast.

Kate61487

I would also say let the kids stay.  It's good to have a plan in case they WANT to leave, but by pushing them out the door at a certain time while the party is clearly still going on I think it will hurt their feelings.  Our niece and nephew are about that age and they have no problem staying up til midnight on NYE.  I'm pretty sure they were at our wedding reception (FG/RB at ages 6 and 7) until the very end. 

I also ditto that you shouldn't make a guest leave early to take care of your kids.  Either get mom on board or hire a sitter.

ladytori

The only children invite to our wedding were my nieces. At the end of our reception (which ended at 11:00pm), one of my nieces was sleeping and the other one was still dancing.

Let the kids stay at the reception until they are tired. It's a big event for them too.

ErinElizabethR

In Response to Re:Fiance's children VS other people's children:7 and 9 but yeah same difference .. and we figure dinner would be over around 8 / 830 and by the time dancing starts it will be around 930 .. they would be leaving somewhere between dinner ending and dancing starting basically.. possibly have them stay and watch the first dance and then go? Posted by mstallae my fianc's daughter will be 9 at our wedding and we're letting her stay for the whole party which will end at 10 pm. 10 or 11 pm too late for a 8 to 10 year old to be out on a special occasion.

Knottie_22383402

We actually figure the party won't end til at least midnight .. we plan to PARTY! lol ..

kmmssg

Then let the kids party too!