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Vent: Bridal party member trying to schedule bach party around her, not the bride

So, BM's and my mom are in the process of planning my shower.  Date is not set yet, but Memorial Day weekend is most likely going to be the date because it would mean a BM from out of state could fly up and stay for more than 24 hours.  This date had been previously discussed with everyone but was not officially set in stone.  The bach party and shower would occur in the same weekend so out of state BM could attend both.

A bridal party member signed up for an athletic event (out of state) the Saturday of Memorial day weekend, knowing that the weekend was a likely contender for the shower/bach party.  Let me make it clear that I am not upset about this.  I understand and accept that people have lives and may plan things that conflict with prewedding parties or even the wedding itself.  The shower would be held on Sunday so this person can probably come to that if they aren't too exhausted from the day before and traveling, but it won't be the end of the world if they decide not to come. 

The issue is that now this person is complaining that they will miss the bach party because they can't go out Friday (night before their event), and won't want to go out saturday because they will be on the road home/too tired.  She is trying to get the BM's to plan something for Monday instead.  I don't think this is right/fair.  By choosing to sign up for an event that would possible conflict with the shower/bach weekend, this person also chooses to potentially miss out on the events of the weekend.  Not to mention my out of state BM will have to be at work and school Tuesday, so her flight home will most likely be Monday late morning/early afternoon, and it's not fair for her to miss the bach party because another BM wants events scheduled around her.  Plus, a monday bach party?  The plan was to go to a vineyard and then bar hop around town (vineyards close at 8pm).  Can't really do that on a monday morning, haha!

I'm not really looking for advice, because I'm staying out of all this planning, I just hear things from my mom (it's my sister that is participating in the athletic event) and it's annoying me that my sister is trying to make a party that should be about me, revolve around her and her schedule.  And yes maybe that sounds selfish, but I am keeping that thought to myself and not saying anything to anyone doing the planning.

Re: Vent: Bridal party member trying to schedule bach party around her, not the bride

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    I completely understand your feelings and you don't have to give in to her. 

    Just an observation, but appears the parties are being scheduled around the OOT BM not really your schedule.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    LDubHawksFanLDubHawksFan member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2013
    Since your mom has told you about some of the plans, you can voice your opinion.  Just say that it would be best to have the activities on Saturday, not Monday.  Sorry Sis, but I understand that you can't make it.

    Also, I had one of my showers & bachelorette party in one weekend because my family and all my BMs still lived in my home state, and I had to fly back for it.  We did my shower that afternoon, then went to the big city that night for the b party.  It was fun, made it so only one day was about me (we threw a baby shower the other day for one of my BMs), and I could spend the extra day home visiting my family.  You don't say whether that OOT BM knows other people in the area, but she might appreciate being able to do other things while she is in town.  Seriously consider having the shower and b party on the same day.  It's kind of demanding for people to have to write off two of the days of a long weekend for your parties.  Even for the best of my friends, I wouldn't necessarily spend nearly my whole weekend doing wedding-centric things.  There is no reason why you couldn't have a brunch shower and then go out after....even with your vineyard plans since they stay open so late.  Then people will still have all day Sunday and Monday to do other things if they want....or you could do it on Sunday and sis could actually go. 

    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-bridal-party-member-trying-to-schedule-bach-party-around-her-not-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a74c8ecc-0653-4e03-a124-197e683eaac3Post:09e3c428-4f37-450f-9ed6-d7a23bfa72a6">Re: Vent: Bridal party member trying to schedule bach party around her, not the bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]I completely understand your feelings and you don't have to give in to her.  Just an observation, <strong>but appears the parties are being scheduled around the OOT BM not really your schedule.</strong>
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    Yes and no.  I mean, the weekends being discussed are all fine with me, it's not like I'm rearranging my own schedule to accommodate other people's schedules..  For some reason it is very important to my mom that my out of state BM be able to attend all the prewedding parties (and out of state BM has stated she wants to be there as well) so the planners were making sure to try and choose a date that worked for the out of state BM. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-bridal-party-member-trying-to-schedule-bach-party-around-her-not-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a74c8ecc-0653-4e03-a124-197e683eaac3Post:cdf9a9e5-be15-45a8-a343-ae65dcd2df72">Re: Vent: Bridal party member trying to schedule bach party around her, not the bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]Since your mom has told you about some of the plans, you can voice your opinion.  Just say that it would be best to have the activities on Saturday, not Monday.  Sorry Sis, but I understand that you can't make it. Also, I had one of my showers & bachelorette party in one weekend because my family and all my BMs still lived in my home state, and I had to fly back for it.  We did my shower that afternoon, then went to the big city that night for the b party.  It was fun, made it so only one day was about me (we threw a baby shower the other day for one of my BMs), and I could spend the extra day home visiting my family.  You don't say whether that OOT BM knows other people in the area, but she might appreciate being able to do other things while she is in town.  Seriously consider having the shower and b party on the same day.  <strong>It's kind of demanding for people to have to write off two of the days of a long weekend for your parties.  Even for the best of my friends, I wouldn't necessarily spend nearly my whole weekend doing wedding-centric things.  </strong>There is no reason why you couldn't have a brunch shower and then go out after....even with your vineyard plans since they stay open so late.  Then people will still have all day Sunday and Monday to do other things if they want....or you could do it on Sunday and sis could actually go. 
    Posted by lwoehlk[/QUOTE]

    I agree.  But for some reason my BM's (with maybe the exception of my sister) seem to be more excited about my wedding and wedding related things than I am!  They had to drag me out to go BM dress shopping because they wanted to do it as a group activity, and they have been talking wanted to do the events on 2 days out of the weekend so the wedding talk and related events can last longer!  I guess I should be grateful for that, it's nice that my friends want to spend so much time with me and celebrating the upcoming marriage!  I think the only issue I could foresee with making it all in one day is that since the plans are pretty low key a lot of the girls invited to the shower will also be invited to the bach party, and people may not want to have such a long day.  But whatever is decided upon in the end I will gratefully except and be happy with. 
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    If I were the OOT BM and I was flying in for the whole weekend to attend both events only to find out that I can't attend one if them, I'd be pissed. I absolutely think you get a say in the dates and I'd voice your opinion. "Mom, Monday night is out, sorry." Be busy with something else if you have to. If your sister has to miss the Bach party, then tell her it's NBD and you guys can go out another night. "Sisters only" night out.
    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-bridal-party-member-trying-to-schedule-bach-party-around-her-not-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a74c8ecc-0653-4e03-a124-197e683eaac3Post:2287b2b4-15b6-4327-9fb7-0c2b77ce3f64">Re:Vent: Bridal party member trying to schedule bach party around her, not the bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]If I were the OOT BM and I was flying in for the whole weekend to attend both events only to find out that I can't attend one if them, I'd be pissed.<strong> I absolutely think you get a say in the dates and I'd voice your opinion. "Mom, Monday night is out, sorry." Be busy with something else if you have to.</strong> If your sister has to miss the Bach party, then tell her it's NBD and you guys can go out another night. "Sisters only" night out.
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    I'm glad you said this.  I was thinking of trying to make sure I was busy on Monday so having a bparty then would not even be an option.  I just didn't know if that would be OK or not.  And I def would not do a monday evening, I'm going to have to work on Tuesday! 
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    I don't really understand why you are planning everything around the out of state bridesmaid and not considering the other bridesmaid's schedule at all?  You can't really put a hold on Memorial Day weekend.  If I were the athletic bridesmaid I'd be hurt at coming second to out of state bridesmaid- especially since it is your sister.  Do you even want her at the bach party?  In my experience those are set by a consensus of bridesmaids on a day that works for all of them- obviously, Memorial Day ain't it for your bunch.
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    SB1512SB1512 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-bridal-party-member-trying-to-schedule-bach-party-around-her-not-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a74c8ecc-0653-4e03-a124-197e683eaac3Post:2ec4cc0f-36c0-4bed-93cd-e6c01affbcbf">Re: Vent: Bridal party member trying to schedule bach party around her, not the bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't really understand why you are planning everything around the out of state bridesmaid and not considering the other bridesmaid's schedule at all?  You can't really put a hold on Memorial Day weekend.  If I were the athletic bridesmaid I'd be hurt at coming second to out of state bridesmaid- especially since it is your sister.  Do you even want her at the bach party?  In my experience those are set by a consensus of bridesmaids on a day that works for all of them- obviously, Memorial Day ain't it for your bunch.
    Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]



    When an email was initiated a few months ago between my mom and BMs, memoral day worked for everyone. I however, was waiting to find out if I would be presenting at a conference that weekend and told everyone I would have an answer by Christmas. My presentation is the following Friday so the plan was to forge ahead with memorial day. My sister registered for the marathon last week
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    So you told everyone you'd have an answer by Christmas, and then when you didn't your sister made other plans? It sounds to me like sister-drama is inflencing this decision.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-bridal-party-member-trying-to-schedule-bach-party-around-her-not-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a74c8ecc-0653-4e03-a124-197e683eaac3Post:48d7ad6a-2bb3-4bdc-b420-e517315fcb53">Re: Vent: Bridal party member trying to schedule bach party around her, not the bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]So you told everyone you'd have an answer by Christmas, and then when you didn't your sister made other plans? It sounds to me like sister-drama is inflencing this decision.
    Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]



    Reading fail? I said I would have an answer by Xmas and when I found out my presentation would be the Friday after memorial day, using memorialweekend became the plan. My sister registered for the race last week, and January is clearly after Christmas.
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    Could sister be jealous? Sounds like she is trying to steal a little bit of your Mom's attention to you. Mom has probably been spending a lot of time with you about your wedding. It could be possible that sister is not such great friends with yout BMs. My recommendation is to do what PP suggested: just have a separate sisters night out. Enjoy being with your friends and let sister go her own way for the evening.
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    I'm not a fan of wedding stuff on long holidays because that's a time when other things in people's lives occur, but that's just my $0.02.  I also think your sister gets priority in general, though I get that the scheduling is her fail and not yours.  So I guess that's my $0.04.  Not sure what else you can do about it at this point other than sticking with the plan.  It might be something to know for the future though - not everybody is cool with giving up a holiday weekend for parties honoring another person.


    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    Your sister had plenty of warning and confirmation when you were available for the parties and a date had been talked about, yet they still registered for their event knowing full well that there were plans already in the works that involved someone having to make a flight home.  I would say that you'll have to forge ahead without counting on her being able to attend.  I would assume your OOT BM is already considering her flights and possibly have booked something.  It seems like you have a reasonable crew of BM and one that is just trying to be difficult.  I would follow the advice of PP and try to do both in single day for convenience sake and also to do a sister's day if your sister cannot attend.  It was her choice to participate knowing the dates, decisions come with consequence.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-bridal-party-member-trying-to-schedule-bach-party-around-her-not-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a74c8ecc-0653-4e03-a124-197e683eaac3Post:c11b3d5b-08b0-4d31-b4a9-1868e5913658">Re: Vent: Bridal party member trying to schedule bach party around her, not the bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent: Bridal party member trying to schedule bach party around her, not the bride : Reading fail? I said I would have an answer by Xmas and when I found out my presentation would be the Friday after memorial day, using memorialweekend became the plan. My sister registered for the race last week, and January is clearly after Christmas.
    Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

    <div>I was confused because in your first post you said the date had not yet been set.  If you actually told your sister at Christmas- hey, this is definitely the date- then her picking a marathon that date was obnoxious.</div><div>
    </div><div>But I still think it comes down to whether you care if she's at the bach or not.  </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-bridal-party-member-trying-to-schedule-bach-party-around-her-not-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a74c8ecc-0653-4e03-a124-197e683eaac3Post:e13f9efe-6189-4a8d-be61-6838ca282ea8">Re: Vent: Bridal party member trying to schedule bach party around her, not the bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not a fan of wedding stuff on long holidays because that's a time when other things in people's lives occur, but that's just my $0.02.  I also think your sister gets priority in general, though I get that the scheduling is her fail and not yours.  So I guess that's my $0.04.  Not sure what else you can do about it at this point other than sticking with the plan.  It might be something to know for the future though - not everybody is cool with giving up a holiday weekend for parties honoring another person.
    Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]



    I was very against a memorial day weekend shower and Bach party for this same reason. But, my mom was very insistent in picking a date that my OOT BM would be able to attend which is that weekend became a focus. My sister, I love her dearly but she tends to do what she wants, when she wants without regards for others. For example we had a family dinner planned for my dads birthday and she showed up an hour late because she was at the gym. It honestly doesn't bother me that she scheduled so etching else. Will I miss her being there? Of course! But, as I said in my OP I know my wedding and wedding related stuff may notbe on everyone's radar. But it does other me that she is now trying to get things changed so she can do her thing and the parties. She needs to accept that her decision comes with missing out on stuff that was already in the works.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-bridal-party-member-trying-to-schedule-bach-party-around-her-not-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a74c8ecc-0653-4e03-a124-197e683eaac3Post:48201fef-334a-4396-89f2-daef2b00d61b">Re: Vent: Bridal party member trying to schedule bach party around her, not the bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent: Bridal party member trying to schedule bach party around her, not the bride : I was confused because in your first post you said the date had not yet been set.  If you actually told your sister at Christmas- hey, this is definitely the date- then her picking a marathon that date was obnoxious. But I still think it comes down to whether you care if she's at the bach or not.  
    Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]



    A date has not been set because my mom is scrambling to see if another weekend works now that sister has limited availability on memorial day. However if there is not another good weekend the memorial day weekend plan will stand.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-bridal-party-member-trying-to-schedule-bach-party-around-her-not-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a74c8ecc-0653-4e03-a124-197e683eaac3Post:71f62dd2-1e9b-45c2-b243-86c76940b847">Re: Vent: Bridal party member trying to schedule bach party around her, not the bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just to clarify - did an email CONFIRMING the Memorial Day weekend plans go out before your sister signed up for the event?
    Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

    I do not know for sure.  I am trying to stay out of planning as much as possible other than knowing a date and the size of the guest list so I can give my mom a list of people to invite.  After I found out I would not be giving a presentation out of state Memorial Day weekend but before my sister signed up for her event I was told to keep Memorial Day weekend open.  I do not know if that meant my mom had booked a place for that specific date, or if that just meant that date was first choice for everyone involved (because at one point it did work for everyone) and she was planning to book something for that date.
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