"It's our wedding" vs. making it enjoyable

eelyak321

I guess I've got some specific questions. Preface: I've seen some posts get really heated and insulting on this board in particular, so I just want to say that I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm just a young bride so I need some guidance! Guest list is appx. 200. It's not a super formal wedding, we're a spunky couple, but I don't want it to be tacky either.

1. No alcohol- I'll be under 21 and we don't drink, my father is a recovering addict, the presence of drunk people agitates me and I don't want to be thinking about it that day, and I'm of the opinion that if you are really not going to come or come and complain about it the whole time (out loud or otherwise) then maybe I don't want you there after all. Don't plan on putting it on the invites or anything, just word of mouth. Rude, roll-your-eyes tacky, or an okay individual preference?

2. FI likes topsy turvy cakes. Not the super cartoony ones, more like regular wedding cake decorations but in the topsy turvy shape. I have no preference here but my family all hates it. Rude, roll-your-eyes tacky, or an okay individual preference?

3. We are pretty devoted Christians so our music playlist has been altered dramatically. The classics will still be used but we're going to use a lot of Christian bands. There is definitely enough dance-able music, slow and fast, just that people may not know all of the songs. Rude, roll-your-eyes tacky, or an okay individual preference?

4. We don't live together, but he lives on his own, so there's not a whole lot of basic registry stuff that we'd need. The only things would be bigger: bed, washer/dryer, things like that. Cash would of course be lovely, but I'm just very confused on the rules as far as expectations of gifts. Like, why is it okay to register for anything ever if it's rude to EXPECT gifts from anyone? I don't assume we could put those bigger items on a registry or do no registry at all and ask for cash by word of mouth? idk, just need the beginners' course there I guess.

Thanks in advance for all the help!

DramaGeek

1-3 are simply a matter of preference.  I will say, I would try to stick mostly to well known songs simply because that's what people are more likely to dance to.  If they don't know the song, they're less likely to dance.  We played mostly oldies and our dance floor was filled the whole night.

4 - you can do a smaller registery or no registery at all.  However, I would highly recommend you register for some things.  You can always get upgrades of things your fi already has, or something that you can keep in storage until it's needed.  For instance, extra glasses or dish towels.

If you prefer cash, the only way to spread the word is when someone asks you, a family member or WP member where you're registered.  You/they can answer "we/they are registered at ___________ but we/they are also saving up for new furniture."  Or, "We/they aren't registered, but we/they are saving up for new furniture."

A registery is considered ok because it's simply a guide for those who've already chosen to give a gift. The "expectation" thing comes in when you include registery info with invitations.

And yes, you can put the bigger items on a registery.  It might get the hint across that cash is better.  However, I would also include other gifts from lower price ranges if you do that.  Some people (like myself) prefer to give a boxed gift.  Also, if someone offers to host a shower and you have no registery, you really need to turn it down.

SmallenForever

1. No alcohol is fine. 2. The cake doesn't matter. Do what you want. 3. You can play whatever you want. 4. Don't register for crazy expensive things. If you want cash, make a small registry with reasonably priced items and people will get the hint. You can also spread the word that you want cash for those things by word of mouth. Registering is not rude because its merely a guide for people to get things you want or need. If you put registry info in the invites, that makes it seem like you're expecting gifts. But having a registry isn't rude.

zizibet

!. No alcohol is fine. if people get that bitchy, whatever.Admittedly, i'm from an area where dry weddings are fairly common and can still be all-out dancefests.
2. There is nothing rude about a topsy-turvy cake. If that's your style, go for it. I've seen tons of beautiful ones.
3. The music is totally your choice-if you want to encorage dancing I'd have more fast songs than slow, but having Christian bands is fine.
4. Registering is not itself rude. What would be rude is to register, than put it on the invitations. If you want cash, the best thging to do is to have a small registry, and if/when people ask, say that you're saving up for a washer/dryer, etc. People get the hint. Consider upgrading some things like existing bedlinens and cookware.

KellyBrian2013

Personally, I wouldn't spread any word about it being a dry wedding at all. That is just inviting people to pack their own (in a flask, in their car, whatever).

Otherwise PPs have it covered.

[Deleted User]

1) Totally fine. I wouldn't let people know unless they ask though. If they know you and know you're under 21 and your aversion to heavy drinking, they probably won't expect a booze fest.

2) Non-traditional cakes are fine. If it's what your FI wants, go for it.

3) Again, fine. One recommendation though - if you are getting a professional DJ, be really up front with them about music preference and then open to what they say. The one we found was really good about definitely listening to our preferences/restrictions while still saying he'd do what it takes to get people dancing. I think it'd really help you to find someone who will accomdate your wishes but also make sure everyone's enjoying the scene, if you're worried about the type of music you like, rather than someone who's either all about just playing what's top 40 or all about just doing anything you want (which, in my opinion, sort of negates the point of having a professional do it).

4) As many said, just have a smaller registry. We have a lot of necessary items, as we've lived together for three years (no need for the traditional pots/pans/microwave/foodprocessor), so we're just doing something smaller than many places recommend. In terms of what to register for, does he have formal diningware? That's a huge part of our registry. We're still apartment bound for now, so we won't be using it at the moment, but we thought it was a good time to look into fine china, fine silverware, etc. for our future home and dinner parties. Does your FI have that sort of stuff?

arco13

I think PP have all covered 4 really well, but one question I have on the cake-who's paying for it? If you and FI are paying for it, then by all means, do what you 2 want there. However, if your family is paying for it, they do get some say in what they're paying for. Just some thoughts on that matter

cwaggoner07

a lot of stores have completion discounts, meaning whatever you don't get on your registry you get a 10-15% discount off of it after your event.

So you could register for a washer and dryer, there's a chance someone will buy it for you, but if not, you can get it discounted.

kmmssg

Everything has been covered well.  I do want to add that I listen to the same music you listen to and if your crowd isn't familiar with it and enjoys it, you might want to add more mainstream stuff.  People aren't nearly as likely to get up and dance to song after song they have never heard.  Have a good mix of music that everyone will enjoy and you will have a fun, dancing, on their feet kind of party.

Jen4948

1, 2, and 3 are all fine-they're matters of taste rather than etiquette.

I do think in regard to 3 that you might want to have some regular (not raunchy, just regular) non-Christian music in there if any of your guests are not Christian.

4.  It's okay to register.  Registering is creating a wish list and then, upon being asked, indicating where the asker can find the wish list.  It doesn't obligate anyone to either create a registry or to buy gifts listed on it-it just helps communicate what you would like as a gift in a non-rude way.  Of course, the etiquette rules about registries do allow for a lot of abuse (such as not including this information in invitations or giving it out before being specifically asked), but that's why they're there.

mcda04

1.       There’s nothing wrong with dry weddings. If you’ll be underage, even more of a reason to have one.

2.       If you and your FI love the cake, go for it, unless his family is paying for it.

3.       My sister had Christian music at her wedding and nobody really danced but her church didn’t allow us to, we still mingled and talked, I had a good time. oh and it was dry of course.

4.       Register for ANYTHING you need, if people don’t buy it, you at least get a discount from the store to purchase it yourselves. For the cash, there’s really no nice way of asking for it.

wrigleyville

1) Dry weddings are completely appropriate. Don't mention it unless someone asks if you're serving alcohol, though. I wouldn't spread it via word of mouth, and it shouldn't go on the invitation. If they show up and complain, then they look rude, not you. Don't worry about it.

2) Topsy-turvy cakes are fine if that's what you both like. It's not like it's offensive or rude. It's just cake. As long as there's plenty of cake for everyone, rock on with the topsy-turvy cake.

3) The music sounds like a good compromise. Again, if people complain, that's their problem, not yours. I might suggest trying to mix in a few different styles of non-offensive music so everyone is happy, but if your guest list loves Christian music, then go with it. I'm just thinking about the weddings I've been to where it was all country music, but again, that was the couple's preference, so I didn't judge. I just didn't dance much. I still had fun, though.

4) Registering is fine. It doesn't say, "Give me gifts." Registries are lists of things you would like, created to help those who plan to buy gifts. That's why you don't include it with the invitations, but it's there for shower invitations or if people ask where you're registered. Most people will bring cash to the wedding; gifts are more of a shower thing or shipped in advance of the wedding. You can always register for just a few items, and if people ask, just say something like, "Oh, we don't really need anyting for the house. We're saving up to buy one first." They'll get the hint.

arendiva

1 and 2 are fine (though I wouldn't announce to people beforehand that there is no alcohol)

3 I would really reconsider. i mean it's fine to throw in some christian rock but if your guests aren't familiar with that genre they aren't going to dance. I went to a wedding a few years ago. The bride and groom liked country (country music is really fringe and unpopular in new england) they played nothing but country and the dance floor was empty (except for a couple children) the whole reception. You've got to play to your audience. If your friends and family love christian rock as much as you do than great. Roll with that. But if you know that it's just you and FI and that everyone else is unfamiliar with it than I would stick to some oldies.

4 I agree with PP's that having a registry is fine as long as you don't include it on your invites. You can't ask for money.

TaraKeeley

I think everything you've said is fine. Have a small registry, and try to put some cheaper items on there in addition to the bed and washer/dryer. Most people will realize you want cash, I think.