Wedding Etiquette Forum

Need Some Advice ... An AE here

This is an AE to protect my friend.


A friend of mine is 4 months pregnant. She went to her OB/GYN yesterday and found that her baby has a terminal defect. She and her husband are now faced with carrying her child until June, where it will be born dead, or aborting. My heart breaks for them.

I would like to know what level of support is appropriate. We have a close group of friends. Should we all send a single card/flowers? Should we bring meals? Invite them to our homes? I want them to know that we love and support them, but I don't want to intrude on their grief. 

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
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Re: Need Some Advice ... An AE here

  • I would send a generic card saying that you are thinking of them and offering to be there to talk/listen/bring a casserole etc. I think I would do something individually not with the group of friends. They can all do what they feel is appropriate.

    This is so sad for your friend though. I can't imagine going through something like that. 
  • I would ask her.

    As in say, "X, you know I am here for you. And you are welcome over whenever you need to talk. Let me know if you need anything. I mean anything- to talk at 4 am, dinner, to do whatever you need me to do. But I also understand if you need to process this on your own too."

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • chelseamb11chelseamb11 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited January 2012
    Ugh how hard! I agree with just letting her know you're there, maybe offering to bring some food over, etc.  That decision cannot be easy at all.
    I didn't realize that there were defects that they can detect that early and know the fetus wouldn't survive :( how sad!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advice-ae-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a89a69e5-e6fd-427b-a0da-f8a01ad3e3b9Post:cc81a9bf-741f-43f2-a557-de9d2920ccb2">Re: Need Some Advice ... An AE here</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would ask her. As in say, "X, you know I am here for you. And you are welcome over whenever you need to talk. Let me know if you need anything. I mean anything- to talk at 4 am, dinner, to do whatever you need me to do. But I also understand if you need to process this on your own too."
    Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]
    I agree with this.

    I don't know the proper protocol for this, but I think it's a good idea to ask them.
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  • This happened to my friend too. She chose to carry on with the pregnancy and is still happy with her decision one year later, if that helps.

    She will know no one can really help her, but just knowing that you are there for her whenever she needs you is help enough.

    I am very sorry to hear this.
  • I agree with Red. I'm more of a private person when I grieve or deal with a serious issue. I like it best when people just let me know they are there for me. Sometimes I'll take them up on what they offer but sometimes I just need time alone.
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  • That's very thoughtful of you. I would bring meals that are easy to reheat along with a card. I don't think I would do a group thing just because I wouldn't want someone else reading what I write to her. You can also invite her over, but I doubt they'll really want to leave their home for a while.

    That's so sad though and hope they find peace in it all.
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  • I would handle things individually, rather than a group. Dealing with one person when you're emotionally devastated can be hard enough, but facing a room of sympathetic eyes sounds torturous.


  • I concur with each of you supporting them individually.  Send them a card, maybe some cheerful flowers.  Don't be invasive, but let her know that you are thinking of her and able to support her in anyway.

    If you think of her every so often, ask if she wants to go out to dinner or have you bring something.  Maybe communicate by text, so that she doesn't have to answer right away.
  • Oh. and I agree to just do something by yourself. When my friend was still PG and after the baby, I invited them over for dinners, wii game nights, and just to out to the movies and stuff. I think just knowing their friends are there for whatever helped. She didn't always want to think or talk about the baby, you know? I think she didn't like everyone treating her differently. I think they would appreciate flowers and cards later on, but I also think they would appreciate feeling like they are not facing this hard decision alone.

    You can PM me if you want to talk more about it. <3
  • OH and again (full of information) my friend joined an online support group and that has helped her tremendously.
  • Thank you all for your kind words. I'm thinking that I'll send her a card tomorrow, and then maybe text or call later in the week. She just went to the OB yesterday. How long would you recommend before I start asking her over for dinner/games... that sort of thing?

    I want her to have a way to get her mind off the situation, but I don't want to seem insensitive by inviting her out too early.

    Again, thank you all for your advice.
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  • edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advice-ae-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a89a69e5-e6fd-427b-a0da-f8a01ad3e3b9Post:cc81a9bf-741f-43f2-a557-de9d2920ccb2">Re: Need Some Advice ... An AE here</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would ask her. As in say, "X, you know I am here for you. And you are welcome over whenever you need to talk. Let me know if you need anything. I mean anything- to talk at 4 am, dinner, to do whatever you need me to do. But I also understand if you need to process this on your own too."
    Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

    <div>I am so sorry for you friend.  I was thinking something along the lines of this.  I might send it in a card, because that way you are giving them space and they can respond on their own terms.  I might be too sensitive to talk to anyone about it for awhile, so this would give them an out, but still be reaching out.</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: And I might not go out of my way to ask them out right away, but if there was a group thing that was pretty standard (weekly night out, trivia) I would extend an invitation to her as casually as possible.  </div>
  • Agree with PPs to do individual card rather than group.

    I would let her know that you are there for her for whatever she needs and then I would proably not bring it up much.  I would bring her some food that freezes well (lasanga, casserole, etc.).  I would probably call her more often just to chat so she doesn't feel isolated.
  • How horrible for her. I would approach her on an individual basis. It may be overwhelming for her to be approached by a group of people and its possible that she may not have told everyone in the group yet.
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