My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite

lyndausvi

Some people here need some reading comprehension skills.

Look this is a no win situations.   

Inviting her causes problems with you mom and siblings. 

Not inviting her puts you in a bad position at work.  Let's face it. 10 people in the office.  Everyone in the office is invited except 1.  And that one person is her boss to boot.  Oh the scandle.   If people in the office didn't know about the affair now, they will when she isn't invited.

Is there anyway dad can ask her to put up a front that she is invited but has other plans that weekend as why she will not be there?

MsYeck

Honestly if you like this woman I would just admitt to her that while you would love to invite her you cannot disrespect your mother by doing so.

winelover123

OP, have you already committed to inviting the entire office? I feel like it could be easier to not invite her if you didn't invite other people who you aren't close to (if you aren't close to some other people in the office). Then it wouldn't be percieved as leaving one particular person out.

ETA: If you are close to the entire office/are already committed, give your dad the responsibility of either asking her to make it like she has other plans that week or explaining that she won't be getting an invitation. I don't think I'd explain to her - boss or not - why she isn't getting an invitation (if that's the couse you choose). Dad deserves to have that awkward talk.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-dads-mistress-to-invite-or-to-not-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8bcacfb-b297-4319-80de-addf12dcb8f8Post:65e6b4f4-2f89-4ce8-aed2-9de52510a79c">Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite</a>:
[QUOTE]Some people here need some reading comprehension skills. Look this is a no win situations.    Inviting her causes problems with you mom and siblings.  Not inviting her puts you in a bad position at work.  Let's face it. 10 people in the office.  Everyone in the office is invited except 1.  And that one person is her boss to boot.  Oh the scandle.   If people in the office didn't know about the affair now, they will when she isn't invited.<strong> Is there anyway dad can ask her to put up a front that she is invited but has other plans that weekend as why she will not be there?
</strong>Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

Rock....YOU....Hard Place.

Like lynda said this really is a lose-lose situation.  I really think the best course of action is bolded part.  Your Father should be the one to talk with her about this.  She, as a grown woman, should realize and understand that an invite is just not happening.

If I were in this situation, my Mother's comfort level would take precedence over inviting the "other woman".

MsYeck

Let's face it if the office only has 10 people they probably already know about the affair. I work with 9 and I know everyone's business whether I want to or not.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-dads-mistress-to-invite-or-to-not-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8bcacfb-b297-4319-80de-addf12dcb8f8Post:b12037b2-7516-47d2-be70-3c8dbfde2829">Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite : Rock....YOU....Hard Place. Like lynda said this really is a lose-lose situation.  I really think the best course of action is bolded part.  Your Father should be the one to talk with her about this.  She, as a grown woman, should realize and understand that an invite is just not happening. If I were in this situation, my Mother's comfort level would take precedence over inviting the "other woman".
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

This.  Every single word. 

Calypso1977

my mom comes clean to me and my brother and sister that my dad cheated on her with my superior at my new company.

do you know for certain he cheated?  or is it that he took up with this woman after he left your mom for other reasons and she just assumes this woman was the reason why?

many times a marriage is over long before the divorce happens, so when the divorce happens, some are able to move on and begin dating very quickly.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-dads-mistress-to-invite-or-to-not-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8bcacfb-b297-4319-80de-addf12dcb8f8Post:39453656-dc34-4959-90e5-688a75525da8">Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite</a>:
[QUOTE]my mom comes clean to me and my brother and sister that my dad cheated on her with my superior at my new company. do you know for certain he cheated?  or is it that he took up with this woman after he left your mom for other reasons and she just assumes this woman was the reason why? many times a marriage is over long before the divorce happens, so when the divorce happens, some are able to move on and begin dating very quickly.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]


::facepalm::

QueerFemme

Here's my take on all of this. If you think your dad is still doing her, why don't you talk to your DAD?   Your father is the one who is making this all uncomfortable, not the mistress.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-dads-mistress-to-invite-or-to-not-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8bcacfb-b297-4319-80de-addf12dcb8f8Post:39453656-dc34-4959-90e5-688a75525da8">Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite</a>:
[QUOTE]my mom comes clean to me and my brother and sister that my dad cheated on her with my superior at my new company. do you know for certain he cheated?  or is it that he took up with this woman after he left your mom for other reasons and she just assumes this woman was the reason why? many times a marriage is over long before the divorce happens, so when the divorce happens, some are able to move on and begin dating very quickly.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

what?   dad and mom are still together.  reading fail?

chelseamb11

Okay..what I'm not getting is how anyone would even know that this woman wasn't invited.  She can't run around the office saying "Susie didn't invite me to her wedding but she invited all of you, wtf?" without making herself sound like an adultering whore.  If it was an affair that is truly in the past, who is to say that this woman won't be graceful about it and not even make drama out of it?  By the sounds of the OP, the only negative quality to this woman is that she knowingly slept with a married man.  Idk, especially if OP kinda even is okay with her at times, I get the impression that this lady is a good boss and professional.  I don't see someone like that pitching a hissy fit that she wasn't invited to the wedding of the daughter of a guy she had an affair with (regardless of her current connections).

If she is the type to get all crazy about it, I agree about having your dad just say something to her (like Lynda said).  I get tha tyou're in a bad situation with it, but I just can't grasp making a day like this (that is supposed to be happy and joyous) super uncomfortable for your mom and siblings on the chance that it might hurt your career later.

My dad pulled some major s**tty stunts right before our wedding and the day of.  Whenever he and my mom were alone, he was literally harrassing her.  My mom's memory of her only daughter's wedding will forever be tainted by drama my dad was causing. 

Don't invite drama to your wedding that is going to directly hurt your family members.

lyndausvi

chels - I don't think it's she would go around saying she was not invited.  Fact is you have 10 people in the office.  Everyone else is invited, they will be talking about the wedding to each other.  What are you wearing, want to car pool.  Whatever.  It just happens.  


   I think having a conversation with her now about the situation is the best course of action.  Whether it's you or your dad is up to you.


Does she know you know?

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-dads-mistress-to-invite-or-to-not-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8bcacfb-b297-4319-80de-addf12dcb8f8Post:d057d98d-1da4-4182-9054-a188f976d7ec">Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite</a>:
[QUOTE]chels - I don't think it's she would go around saying she was not invited.  Fact is you have 10 people in the office.  Everyone else is invited, they will be talking about the wedding to each other.  What are you wearing, want to car pool.  Whatever.  It just happens.      I think having a conversation with her now about the situation is the best course of action.  Whether it's you or your dad is up to you. Does she know you know?
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]


Yeah, but if she has any class or professionalism, she's not going to draw attention to the fact she wasn't invited.  I guess I"m under the impression she'd say she has other plans anyway (without being prompted to).  Maybe I'm just too optimistic though.

MsYeck

Her profile says october wedding so probably hadn't sent out invites or std yet

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-dads-mistress-to-invite-or-to-not-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8bcacfb-b297-4319-80de-addf12dcb8f8Post:71d8e34c-cc0a-49ad-8c3c-0c21ffc42f2a">Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite</a>:
[QUOTE]OP I may have missed this, but have invites or STDs gone out yet? A way around all of this is just don't invite everyone (or anyone) from your office. Tell people that you and your FI decided to keep it to a mostly family affair.  This way you don't have to invite the mistress without singling her out. 
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

I think that works at a large companies.  But the OP's father is owns the company.  They only have 10 employees.  A lot of small buisness owners think of their employees as family.  I'm not sure if that is the case here.    It might not be as easy to use that line like your average person can.

OliveOilsMom

OP - Do not send the STDs to your co-workers.  This will give you some more time to figure everything out.  Personally, I would not invite any co-workers to get around not-inviting this woman.  As PP have said, it will be hard to non-invite only 1 co-worker and your boss at that.  It would also be equally hard to invite this person and have your mom & siblings see her at your wedding.

It seems as if this woman thinks your mom does not know about the affiar.  You would think she would keep contact with your mother to the absolute minimum, not sending emails about groupons to her.  You would think she would keep her distance from the wife of her affair.

orangehills

OP- I'm sorry you are in this situation, that sucks. It's really unfortunate that your dad still has that lady working for him... Totally inappropriate, but I guess you can't fire for that huh. Anyway. I don't think not inviting her will make things horrible with her- she should know she was equally in the wrong along with your father, and is a fool if she thinks she should be invited to the wedding. Your mother's comfort far outweighs your boss's. I would also have your father talk to her- and get her to say that for whatever reason, she can't make it to the wedding, so that none of the other coworkers know the real reason. (Maybe at this point he should also mention that the whole family knows and it's inappropriate for her to be contacting your mother!) I don't see how this would make it bad for the future, like where she could fire you or would give you a bad recommendation. Maybe after your dad talks to her, just mention to her how you would like for her to be there but due to the circumstances you hope she understands, so you remain on decent terms.

TheBaysideBride

Not only should you not invite her, I question why you'd work in that environment at all.
But no, to answer the original question, do not invite her.

Kate61487

I was actually going to suggest the same thing Lynda did.  For one, if by chance the whole office doesn't already know about the affair I doubt the woman will want to draw attention to it and playing it off as though she were invited but can't attend is the path of least resistance (and as Chelsea said she may have done that anyway). 

But secondly: I'm not 100% clear if OP's boss knows OP knows.  Perhaps she thinks OP is happily oblivious.  Perhaps she doesn't even know the wife found out depending on how it all played out, how long the affair went on, etc.  So OP going up to her and saying "BTW you're not invited b/c you slept with my dad" might just make the whole work situation WAY more awkward.  If anyone talks to her about it it should be OP's dad.

Last but not least, OP please don't involve your mom in this conversation unnecessarily.  I saw you jokingly say maybe you would have your mom ask your dad to talk to her.  This is undoubtedly a very sensitive topic for her and it appears she and your dad are trying to make it work - you popping up and reminding her about the affair and your dad's continued interaction with this woman cannot help.  sometimes after a major event like that in a marriage it's all the injured party can do to put on a brave face and try to move past it and reminders from you could make it worse.

*edited typo*

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-dads-mistress-to-invite-or-to-not-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8bcacfb-b297-4319-80de-addf12dcb8f8Post:ddf45e21-e654-4e3a-b8fe-c1cad9af344c">Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite : I lean more towards the don't invite her camp, but I do agree with what I bolded from Stage's comment.  I invited a family friend who cheated on his wife as she was dying of breast cancer.  He's not one of my favorite people, but he is a close family friend I've known for 20+ years.  I don't see his infedelity to his wife as an affront to my marriage vows to my husband; he has no impact on it.   I personally would not invite <strong>her because she led the father to be unfaithful to her mother.</strong>  As someone who ahs been cheated on in the past, I would not want the sk@nk who was involved with my ex to be in the same room with me.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

I am 100% positive it was father's penis that made him be unfaithful.  No one "leads" someone to be unfaithful. Even if someone is severely flirting or hitting on you, you have no obligation to respond.  Dad made that choice all by himself.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-dads-mistress-to-invite-or-to-not-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8bcacfb-b297-4319-80de-addf12dcb8f8Post:ffd48e0e-ee82-45f8-bc39-3a5b8c35ed3a">Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite : Just a few points where I disagree: - This woman and OP's dad are not equally in the wrong. OP's dad has more of a responsibility to his wife and family than OP's boss does.  - You and a few other PPs seem to think that OP's dad talking to OP's boss and saying something along the lines of "Hey remember those times we banged? Yeah well my wife and all of my kids, one of whom works for you, all know about it. So you can't come to the wedding. Figure out some imaginary conflicting plans for that day" To me this sounds like a sexual harassment complaint just waiting to happen. Anyone else agree with me?
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

Nope.  This has nothing to do with her job so good luck making a sexual harassment claim out of it.  The dad doesn't have to go into all of that.  All he has to say is that his wife knows and he doesn't want them to hurt her any more than they already have and for that reason she is not getting an invitation and to use her best judgment if any co-workers ask if she is going.

cookie0803

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-dads-mistress-to-invite-or-to-not-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8bcacfb-b297-4319-80de-addf12dcb8f8Post:0d048d0a-45aa-481a-89d0-7a4be94bf9ea">Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite</a>:
[QUOTE]I question the OP's choice of title.  This woman is not her Dad's "mistress".  She is her Dad's past mistake.  It would be different if the affair was current, but it is in the past.  I say it is up to the OP's Mom to OK the guest list.  If it bothers mom, she should speak up.  If it doesn't, then no problem.  Dad will probably avoid the woman like the plague.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>From what I've read, it seems like OP believes they are still seeing each other, or seeing each other again. I could be wrong.</div>

arendiva

Don't invite the office. You are making this situation way more complex than it needs to be. You can completely avoid the entire issue by not inviting any coworkers (or by at least limiting it to a couple who you are especially close to).

Pookieson

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-dads-mistress-to-invite-or-to-not-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8bcacfb-b297-4319-80de-addf12dcb8f8Post:65e6b4f4-2f89-4ce8-aed2-9de52510a79c">Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite</a>:
[QUOTE]Some people here need some reading comprehension skills. Look this is a no win situations.    Inviting her causes problems with you mom and siblings.  Not inviting her puts you in a bad position at work.  Let's face it. 10 people in the office.  Everyone in the office is invited except 1.  And that one person is her boss to boot.  Oh the scandle.   If people in the office didn't know about the affair now, they will when she isn't invited. Is there anyway dad can ask her to put up a front that she is invited but has other plans that weekend as why she will not be there?
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]



This is the best idea.  Do this.  Seriously.  It will suck no matter what, but I think Dad should ask her to put up a front.

Amyzen83

According to the Knot, even if her parents were divorced, she doesn't have to feel obligated to invite the homewrecker to the wedding. And frankly even if it was against etiquette, and I were in the same situation, I still wouldn't invite her, because she'd be the reason there was issues between my parents. I know the dad's to blame also, but he's family and if he's been a good father to you, then blood runs thick. 

The other woman in my opinion would be disposable, I don't think you should care about her feelings because she clearly didn't consider yours when she chose to get into bed with your married father. I'm glad that you are the bigger person though and you say that it would be easy to like her if that didn't happen, but the way I see it, is that maybe she's trying too hard to be nice, either out of guilt for what she did or she's trying to manipulate you. It sounds like you are in a tough spot if she's your boss. Have you thought about having a serious conversation with your father about the subject, or is it something that's completely taboo to talk about?

If you want to invite her, then by all means invite her, but if she's continually hurting your mom and causing drama in your family, then screw the b----'s feelings and you can explain to her later why.

Amyzen83

I like what NYUgirl100 said!

Andama08

I would not invite this woman, especially out of respect for your mother. Whether this mistress and your dad are currently dating, she would not be receiving an invite. If she would like to celebrate with you another time that is fine, taking you out to dinner or w/e, but I would not allow this woman around my other family and close friends. You really don't have to explain because it's your wedding and you can do what you what and invite who you choose, but if confronted you might say based on the relationship you've had with my father etc. I don't feel this is an approriate event to participate in. I personally wouldn't want any of my family members, mainly my mom to feel uncomfortable on what should be a joyous occasion.