Can I convene a meeting of the dead parents club?

achiduck

So the wedding is a month away and it's really starting to sink in that my mom isn't going to be there. I'm terrified that my wedding day is going to be a sobfest. 

Help!

tammylongneckerson

Your wedding day won't be a sob fest unless you let it be. How long has it been since she passed? That might open some insight into good advice.

TaraKeeley

My dad passed away when I was 9. I've gotten used to (note, NOT "gotten over") him not being around, but I hate that he never met my wonderful fiance. He'd love him. I hate that he won't see us get married and that his grandchildren will never meet him. I suspect that I'll be crying over this on our wedding day, but I'm just going to try my best to focus on the positive and remember my happy memories with him in a meaningful way. Try doing the same for your mom. Maybe you can wear a piece of her jewelry or do something in her honor.

samantha24p

My Dad passed when I was 15. What makes me most sad is getting married without my Grandmother. She passed last year but we were super close.

achiduck

Its been almost 14 years, so I'm fairly "used to" it a well. I'm normally ok, but I was watching an episode of SYTTD and the mom and grandma totally broke down and I just started bawling.

RebeccaB88

My daddy has been gone 10 years last July.  I think the most difficult part for me will be knowing that my younger sister had him here to walk her down the aisle, but I won't.  My mom has, all our lives, been really big on us being treated equally.  Same education, same financial gifts, equal wedding budgets/styles, equal levels of experiences, etc.  This is really the first time in our lives where one of us will have had something that it is 100% impossible for the other to have.  (Not to mention that she also had 2 grandparents, 2 special great aunts, an uncle, and several family friends in attendance that have all since passed on as well.)  My mom will have just as difficult a time with this - she's always been able to fix things to make it even out, and this time there's nothing she can do. 

I also wish my FI could have known my dad. They would be so good together.  Both championship level debaters, with my dad being the ultimate devils' advocate, and FI being the most stubborn ass in town, at times.  They would have been great for each other.

zubrod1

I miss my mom all the time and have definitely had some breakdowns since the wedding planning has started.  Everyone keeps telling me to have something set up to honor her but honestly that day if I walk into the ceremony and have a picture of my mom sitting there bawling will definitely be unstoppable.

kmmssg

My dad died when I was 3 and my mom died when I was 10 so they were both gone for both of my weddings and the births of my children.  There are no aunts or uncles left as I was an oops child born of children of the depression.  3 of my 4 grandparents were already gone when I was born.  The only cousins I have are the 2 I refer to as my sisters because their parents raised me. 2 of my 3 brothers died in 2006.  There just isn't anyone left and I am the matriarch of my family at (what I consider) a really young age.

All that being said, I have been a bride twice and a MOB 3 times so I feel like I can look at both sides of the coin a little bit.

I did a lot of grief counseling and strongly feel that by living every day of my life to its' fullest I honor their memories.  I do not go into morbid mode on the anniversaries of their deaths and pretty much refuse to acknowledge what the day is.  It serves no purpose other than to make me morbid and gloomy and my parents wouldn't want that.  After all these years these days usually go by and I don't figure it out til a few days later.  This is an intentional boundary I set and it has helped me immensely.

I missed them greatly on my wedding days but I did everything I could to show them I was going to be joyous, ecstatic, and really happy.  There were a couple of tears early in the day, but I got rid of them and made sure to be in charge of my day.  IT IS WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE WANTED!!

As a MOB, if I were gone, this is exactly how I would want my girls to handle themselves.  I would want them to be very much in control of their day and to not lose it on my absence.  It is one day in a lifetime and being the mama bear that I am, I would want them to get everything they could out of their wedding day.

As I said, I've come to honor my parents' memories by grabbing every event and memory and making it everything I could make it.  I will admit, when my first daughter was born, I was so upset I couldn't show her to my mom (getting a bit teared up right now and DD is 31).  Of all the days of my life since she died, that was the toughest.

OP and others - make sure you have joyous, wonderful wedding days.  I have no doubt it is what your parents would have wanted.  I know I would.

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-i-convene-a-meeting-of-the-dead-parents-club?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8f9e33e-747b-417b-bb71-0d5605f9d7afPost:a246a34c-eef6-4b4d-88aa-1230e8e3605f">Re: Can I convene a meeting of the dead parents club?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was so focused on marrying my FI amid lots of family drama from both sides, I just tried to block out my father's absence.  He died of pancreatic cancer ten years before my wedding.  I asked his brother to escort me down the aisle. You'll never really get over it.  I learned to distance myself because I became a professional organist, and I saw a hundred weddings with proud fathers walking their daughters.  My younger sister came to daughter's wedding.  She barely remembers our Dad.  When she saw my DH walking daughter down the aisle, she burst into tears and cried. I was so happy that my daughter made such a sensible choice in her FI, I didn't feel like crying at all!  Good girl!  She listened to her mother! I want grandchildren!  (Plan to name a child after your Mom.  It helps.)
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>ETA - what happened to my post?  Stupid knot.</div>

VJones1981

This is also a concern of mine. I couldn't be happier about marrying FI, but at the same time some of the wedding planning process has been really hard for me. My mom passed when I was 16 and I've never even seen a picture of my biological father. I was raised mostly by my mom's dad and his second wife. My grandfather was the only dad I ever knew, and he passed suddenly when I was only 12. What makes things especially hard is not feeling that anyone I know can relate to how I'm feeling.

achiduck

Thanks for the suggestions ladies. To honour her I'm having the stem of her veil wrapped around my bouquet and tying her wedding ring to it. I am also having a remembrance prayer during the ceremony during which her name will be read out first.

Calypso1977

my dad had been gone 10 years when i married.

i opted to not really have him mentioned that day, although everyone was thinking of him (including me).  i wore a pair of earrings he had given me and that's how i kept him close.

i actually got through the day just fine.  it wasnt until we walked through the door of the house that night that i finally lost it.

everyone reacts differently.... its tough to predict how you may or may not feel that day.  hang in there.

MrsGandthebeag

My dad had been dead for almost 4 years when I got married.  I put his pic in a locket that was tied to my bouquet and we made a toast to him at the reception.  I was honestly so escatic on that day to get married that I wasn't sad at all.  Of course he was on my mind, but I was much more sad leading up to the wedding than on the actual day.  I wish you all the best on your special day.

[Deleted User]

I read most of the posts and feel like mine might be the freshest, but that doesn't make it any harder or easier I think...

My mom just passed away on May 11, 2012. She was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer in April 2011... I'm still sort of in a "she's-only-on-vacation" type of mood because it still hasn't really sunk in... although, when I went shopping for my dress and looked at the venue and everything, the water works threaten to come on, but I hold it back thinking, "it's ok, she's still there, watching from above".

We're getting married June 2, 2013, so just being a little over a year just makes me worry that the water works will be on, I'm hoping not and I'm trying to prepare myself NOW so I can be stronger for that...doesn't make me miss her any less.

itzMS

Had to chime in on this. My dad passed of some awful cancer when I was 13. He has an identical twin brother (my uncle, obviously). I've had to avoid this uncle because he (again, obviously) looks identical to my dad and it stirs up sadness. My mom bawled at the mere sight of me standing with my uncle for a picture. It was tough. I ended up crying a lot, and I think any of us as members of the DPC will always have to deal with this. Just find all the joy you can in marrying your awesome FI!!

Girlie1030

Oh Achi.    My dad passed when I was 18 (so 18 years before my wedding) and I still struggled a little.  I chose to walk alone down the aisle and minutes before I was supposed to start walking was the worst.  Thank godiva for my MOH - she blew in my eyes (it's our "thing" when one of us starts crying) and singing about toe jam football to make me laugh. 

Sending big hugs and will gladly send out some Come Together lyrics your way in 3 weeks and 5 days. 

megandit

Hi there, I am so sorry for your loss. It's never easy to lose a loved one no matter the circumstances.

Both of my parents are deceased; my fiance's are both alive and well. I admit, I got very teary-eyed when I went to get my dress and the lady in the store yelled at me for not having my mom with me (insert awkward conversation here....)

We are getting married in three weeks and I've contemplated how I will honor their memory. I plan on acknowledging them during the reception, and if tears are shed, that's ok.  It's been 15 years for my dad and 6 years since I lost my mom, and the feelings ebb and flow.

Don't stress about it -- I'm sure you will find the words.....and know your mom will always be part of you.  Best of luck on your special day and your life

Wishing you all the best

kathythompson79

I know exactly what you mean - all through the planning, I would get teary-eyed. I lost my mom 6 years ago, and my dad just last year. Fi and I were married three weeks ago. Any time I thought about things they would have been involved with in the wedding, I cried. You just can't help whatever your emotions are at the time. At the rehearsal dinner, I toasted my parents, and completely lost it. But it was ok, pretty much everyone there knew that things were still pretty raw, especially with my dad. Most people didn't know that the food I chose for the RD was a tribute to my dad, and the dress I wore was for mom (except for close family and friends). I liked having these secret little things just for my parents. Wedding day morning, I was really stressed out and wasn't sure how things would pan out. I was really nervous when the photographer and videographer came in, and actually sent them away at one point. I had pulled out my parents' wedding rings and was talking about how I was thinking of attaching them to my bouquet, when I nearly lost it again. At this point, I decided not to do the rings. I already had a hair piece made with lace flowers from my mother's wedding veil, and all of the jewelry I was wearing was either my mom's or a gift from them both. It was enough to remember them by and to have a piece of them close to me on my special day. When my brother began to escort me down the aisle, I could see he was getting a little choked up, but I told myself I didn't want to cry. It was a beautiful, sunny day, and my husband to be was down there at the arbor, and I knew he would be grinning his face off. So that's what I concentrated on - that I was getting married to the man of my dreams!! And sure enough, there he was, with that big ol' smile! So that helped get me down the aisle, and after that, all I could do was look at him and know everything would be alright. So know that, yes, she will be there with you in your heart. And your family and friends will understand if you have to cry because you miss her. That's what waterproof mascara is for! . I wish you the best on your special day!