Fiance's Family

claudias91

I'm not sure if anyone else here is dealing with a problem like this, but I hope so so I can get some advice!
My wedding is not for quite some time still, but I feel that it is never too soon to plan out a budget and to see what we can afford, or if others can even chip in. My family has always been extremely helpful when it came to money, and they are always so generous with it. My family refuses to allow me or my fiance to pay for our engagement party, my bridal gown and other things, though I feel that if I can afford it, why not? The real help is when the wedding comes around. My mom, aunts, uncles and even cousins have told me that they will help with whatever they can and that I should not worry about it. My fiance's family on the other hand has offered absolutely nothing, and to me it just does not seem right. We are having parties for the families to get together and meet, and there has been no offer to help pay for anything.
To me it seems extremely unfair that it is only my family helping out, and I don't think that's right at all. It's beginning to cause stupid fights between my fiance and I as well because I keep confronting him as to how much it angers me.

Is anyone else dealing with a problem like this? And if so, how is it being handled? I've tried telling him he needs to talk to his family and figure it out but it seems like it just goes around in circles.

ZiggyZos

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-family-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a905ff96-b15d-47a8-bcf7-55ca9e68f989Post:d13f984a-f4c6-4230-82fa-54d5d7696f22">Fiance's Family</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure if anyone else here is dealing with a problem like this, but I hope so so I can get some advice! My wedding is not for quite some time still, but I feel that it is never too soon to plan out a budget and to see what we can afford, or if others can even chip in. My family has always been extremely helpful when it came to money, and they are always so generous with it. My family refuses to allow me or my fiance to pay for our engagement party, my bridal gown and other things, though I feel that if I can afford it, why not? The real help is when the wedding comes around. My mom, aunts, uncles and even cousins have told me that they will help with whatever they can and that I should not worry about it. My fiance's family on the other hand has offered absolutely nothing, and to me it just does not seem right. We are having parties for the families to get together and meet, and there has been no offer to help pay for anything. To me it seems extremely unfair that it is only my family helping out, and I don't think that's right at all. It's beginning to cause stupid fights between my fiance and I as well because I keep confronting him as to how much it angers me. Is anyone else dealing with a problem like this? And if so, how is it being handled? I've tried telling him he needs to talk to his family and figure it out but it seems like it just goes around in circles.
Posted by claudias91[/QUOTE]

The only people obligated to come up with money for wedding related events are the bride and groom. There is nothing for you to be (justifiably) angry about.

What are you confronting your FI with? His family has done nothing wrong. He certainly does not need to talk to his family about contributing; if they are capable and willing, they will offer on their own accord.

kmbirkel

I wouldn't call myself an expert in the least, but it sounds to me like what your family has offered is very uncommon, especially with family members other than your parents also offering to chip in. Do you know if your FI's family could afford it even if they wanted to? They might not be able to, or have no idea anything is expected of them, which frankly, it shouldn't be. If they offer, great, but they are honestly under no obligation to.

You don't want to be the bride that everyone remembers later as a bridezilla... please stop thinking you're entitled to have your entire wedding paid for just because your own family is exceptionally generous.

Edit to make my text NOT centered. LOL.

GoodLuckBear14

The responsibility of paying for your wedding falls to nobody except you and your FI.  His parents don't have to figure anything out.  You do.

And I wouldn't count on any money until it is sitting in your bank account or someone else's signature is on the contract they are footing. 

itzMS

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-family-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a905ff96-b15d-47a8-bcf7-55ca9e68f989Post:d13f984a-f4c6-4230-82fa-54d5d7696f22">Fiance's Family</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure if anyone else here is dealing with a problem like this, but I hope so so I can get some advice! My wedding is not for quite some time still, but I feel that it is never too soon to plan out a budget and to see what we can afford, or if others can even chip in. My family has always been extremely helpful when it came to money, and they are always so generous with it. My family refuses to allow me or my fiance to pay for our engagement party, my bridal gown and other things, though I feel that if I can afford it, why not? The real help is when the wedding comes around. My mom, aunts, uncles and even cousins have told me that they will help with whatever they can and that I should not worry about it. My fiance's family on the other hand has offered absolutely nothing, and to me it just does not seem right. We are having parties for the families to get together and meet, and there has been no offer to help pay for anything. To me it seems extremely unfair that it is only my family helping out, and I don't think that's right at all. It's beginning to cause stupid fights between my fiance and I as well because I keep confronting him as to how much it angers me. Is anyone else dealing with a problem like this? And if so, how is it being handled? I've tried telling him he needs to talk to his family and figure it out but it seems like it just goes around in circles.
Posted by claudias91[/QUOTE]

Oh my goodness. Your wedding is in October 2015?!?!?!?!

Please, please, just enjoy your engagement and come back to The Knot in about a year.

FI's family is probably not taking this seriously because your wedding isn't for TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

Out of curiousity, how old are you? Your mindset of expecting your families to throw money your direction since you're engaged doesn't come across as very mature</div>.

misshart00

It is only your and your FI's responsibility to pay for your wedding. Do not ask anyone to contribute and don't hold a grudge against them because they can't. Also, you shouldn't be throwing parties in your own honor, like an engagement party. Someone else throws those as a gift to you after they offer. Relax and plan the wedding you and FI can afford.

ohmrs2014

First thing, and I'm sure many other people will say the same thing, NO ONE is required to offer to pay or contribute to your wedding.  Its great that your family is offering financial help, not many people get that.  But while your family is offering help, that doesn't mean that FIs family needs to do the same.

If I were in your shoes I would do one of two things.  Accept your familys help and offers nad pay for whatever else isn't covered and stop expecting FIs family to help out, and please stop asking FI to ask his family about money contributions.  Secondly, turn down all offers of money and pay for everything yourself.  If your old enough to have a wedding, then you are old enough to pay for it on your own.  The second option will def help with the fights that you and FI are having.  

[Deleted User]

You need to back down. No one is required to pay a single cent towards your wedding except for you and your fiance. Be happy that your family is so generous and helpful with money and offering you so much - many people pay for their full weddings without the help of either side of the family. Stop picking fights with your fiance over this. It's really quite mean to him - you're basically implying that either his family doesn't care as much because they aren't forking over cash or that he's not doing his part by not asking for money (which, as previously mentioned by others, would be a very rude thing to do). Let it go and count your blessings, which seem to be many given how many people want to help you out.

gnc0988

you know nobody owes you and your fiance anything right? if you want money for your wedding...go work for it.

Weezy56

You are dead wrong on this one. Just because you're family is financially able to spend money on you and your fiance, does not mean that his family (or anyone else for that matter), is obligated to. They do not need to make decisions on how to spend THEIR money based on what YOUR family is doing. You are being incredibly selfish. The only people who are required to pay for anything are you and your fiance, so count your blessings and hush. If I was your fiance, you "confronting" me about my family not paying would make me call the whole wedding off with the drop of a hat.

And just to add, I was also blessed to have my parents foot 100% of the bill for our wedding. We assumed we were paying for it ourselves until they approached us with their offer. His family did not contribute at all. It never even occured to me or my parents to be upset about it.

[Deleted User]

You are very blessed to have family that is willing to help out. When you are more into the planning process make sure to include the families. Don't just assume how much money anyone is going to give you. My parents didn't offer any money for the wedding until it came time to pay for my dress that I had picked out based on what fit my budget, then they surprised me by paying for my dress, slip & veil. When it got time to start picking out rehersal halls we were talking to FMIL about who would be coming in from out of town the night before wedding so we could invite them to dinner. It was at that time they offered to pay for rehersal dinner.

Plan for your wedding as if you have to pay for the whole thing yourself, especially if people haven't told you specifically how much they are going to help you out. There is a lot of time between now & your wedding, things could happen where they can't afford to give you the money they originally told you they would. If you plan based on what you can afford when you get the gifts of money you can either put it away or splurge on something you wanted but couldn't afford.

One other thing, when people say they are willing to help out, doesn't mean necessarily financially, it may mean in the planning process, help you make favors, put your invitations together. etc. If they told you specifically they would help you out with money, awesome. But right now, it's basically, don't count your chickens until the egg (or money is in your bank account) are hatched.

Enjoy being engaged and have fun dreaming up your wedding. Unless you're planning on booking a location that books up 1-2 years in advance, you have planty of time and can wait until after Christmas to start planning. But by all means, go hit some bridal shows & get ideas & vendor names that you can research reviews on, enjoy being engaged, it goes by so quickly.

kmbirkel

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-family-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a905ff96-b15d-47a8-bcf7-55ca9e68f989Post:81f1773f-a46a-4d03-bc3b-3deacbc05079">Re: Fiance's Family</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, PP's have it covered. Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

BTW, what are PPs/what does that stand for? It's not in the abbreviations list! Thanks!

Edit: For the love of God, why are my posts suddenly defaulting to having the text being center-aligned?! GAH!</div>

AddieCake

I don't blame your fiance for getting angry at you for confronting him about it. You're out of line. 

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-family-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a905ff96-b15d-47a8-bcf7-55ca9e68f989Post:d8367f80-8729-49da-bd4d-0dcce5631e76">Re: Fiance's Family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance's Family : BTW, what are PPs/what does that stand for? It's not in the abbreviations list! Thanks! Edit: For the love of God, why are my posts suddenly defaulting to having the text being center-aligned?! GAH!
Posted by kmbirkel[/QUOTE]

<div>Previous posters. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

KatWAG

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-family-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a905ff96-b15d-47a8-bcf7-55ca9e68f989Post:d8367f80-8729-49da-bd4d-0dcce5631e76">Re: Fiance's Family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance's Family : BTW, what are PPs/what does that stand for? It's not in the abbreviations list! Thanks! Edit: For the love of God, why are my posts suddenly defaulting to having the text being center-aligned?! GAH!
Posted by kmbirkel[/QUOTE]

previous post or previous poster.</div>

kmbirkel

Thanks, Addie and Kat!

lyndausvi

I was in a situation that my parents paid for most of the wedding related things  and my MIL offered no help.   

What did I do about the situation?  Nothing.  There was nothing to do.  She is not obligated to help.   DH and I covered what my parents didn't. It's our wedding why wouldn' we?  

I can tell you want I didn't do was confront my DH on the subject.   Nor did I hold it against her with giving her less invites than my side and such.    Can I ask  why in the world would you think it's even okay for him to question his parents?   

button6004

Everyone else has been right on.  You are wrong.  Stop confronting your FI about it.  No one owes you a penny.

renegade gaucho

Other people are not obligated to pay for the decisions you and your fiance make.  If anyone else freely offers to contribute, financially or otherwise, that's great, but under no circumstances is it required.  Be grateful that you have a very generous family- plenty of couples have to pay for their own weddings with no assistance from anyone else.  Oh, and please apologize to your fiance for being demanding and speaking disrespectfully about his family.

egeurts

I agree with PP who said that when people say they are willing to help out, they usually mean with decorations, parties, or hosting, not necessarily finances. Unless they explicitly say so, I wouldn't assume they mean money.

Even if they do mean money, you have to take into consideration that whoever pays for your wedding gets a say in what happens. So the only people responsible for your wedding are you and your FI. So while your wedding is still a long ways away, if you want to keep dreaming about your dream venue and your dream dress and whatnot, if you keep getting contributions from parents, grandparents, etc... you have to keep in mind that if they give you money, they get a say in the guest list and other aspects. This is a major issue for a lot of brides. If you want your wedding to go your way, you pay for it.

Also, just to repeat what everyone else has said, don't count the money until you have it in your hands. And if you're relying on other people to provide it, since your wedding is so far way, keep in mind that circumstances change for a lot of families and to have backup plans in case things change.

nycrose2013

I'm going to put myself out there and risk getting flamed, and say that I get that it can feel a little...weird...to have your parents offer so much and have his parents offer nothing. Especially if you had a real basis to believe they might have offered to help, or if it was common in your circle for both sets of parents to help. HOWEVER, and this a giant however, no, there is nothing you can or should do about it, and yes, it is a selfish feeling to have. Personally, I think everyone is entitled to their feelings, so long as you don't impose them on anyone else, or expect anyone to solve them by giving in to what you want. So don't let this feeling hurt your relationship with FI or with his parents, because it is a long life, and it is their money to do with what they please. Just forget about it and be grateful for your family's generosity without resenting Fi's family.

Jen4948

As annoying as it may be to have your family offering so much and your FI's offering nothing, unfortunately, you're not entitled to expect them or anyone else to offer to pay for anything.  The only people whose responsibility that is are you and your FI.

I sympathize, but there's no polite way to ask them to provide funding.  I agree with PPs that you should plan your wedding as though it will not be provided to you.

Peledreamsofrain

The only time you can be upset about someone not offering money for your wedding is if that person makes demands regarding it.  Say either side of the families ends up not contributing, but then hands you a guest list that's 500 people long, and throws a fit at you when you say you can't afford that many people.

THEN you could be angry.

Your fiance is right to be upset with you.  What you are doing is the equivalant of a kid at the grocery store throwing a screaming tantrum over his mom not buying him candy at the checkout line.  He has no place to expect the candy, or to throw a tantrum when he doesn't get it. 

Jessa1404

I agree with nycrose on this one.  I understand why you're upset.  Sure, no one has to give you any money for your wedding, but it's definitely a nice gesture, and it does seem a little one-sided.  Are your FI's parents financially able to help?  Since you and your FI are already discussing it (and I don't think you're going to just stop feeling the way you do out of nowhere), could he delicately broach the topic with his parents?  I don't think he should ask for money, btu maybe bring up in another wedding conversation, if he can do it smoothly.  He could say you and he are starting to put your wedding budget together, your family said they would help with xyz, so you're both planning on covering abc.  Then, just see if they jump in.    Maybe they are planning to help, but didn't say anything yet because the wedding is so far away.  

Weezy56

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-family-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a905ff96-b15d-47a8-bcf7-55ca9e68f989Post:175f2811-87d6-4ed5-8e32-e2051ac51021">Re: Fiance's Family</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with nycrose on this one.  I understand why you're upset.  Sure, no one has to give you any money for your wedding, but it's definitely a nice gesture, and it does seem a little one-sided.  Are your FI's parents financially able to help?  Since you and your FI are already discussing it (and I don't think you're going to just stop feeling the way you do out of nowhere), could he delicately broach the topic with his parents?  I don't think he should ask for money, btu maybe bring up in another wedding conversation, if he can do it smoothly.  He could say you and he are starting to put your wedding budget together, your family said they would help with xyz, so you're both planning on covering abc.  Then, just see if they jump in.    Maybe they are planning to help, but didn't say anything yet because the wedding is so far away.  
Posted by Jessa1404[/QUOTE]

See, here's the thing. Even if the Fi's parents are able to help pay doesn't mean they are obligated to help pay. He should absolutely not broach the topic with his parents. There's not much difference between subtly asking for money and openly asking for it.

nda8414

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-family-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a905ff96-b15d-47a8-bcf7-55ca9e68f989Post:d13f984a-f4c6-4230-82fa-54d5d7696f22">Fiance's Family</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure if anyone else here is dealing with a problem like this, but I hope so so I can get some advice! My wedding is not for quite some time still, but I feel that it is never too soon to plan out a budget and to see what we can afford, or if others can even chip in. My family has always been extremely helpful when it came to money, and they are always so generous with it. My family refuses to allow me or my fiance to pay for our engagement party, my bridal gown and other things, though I feel that if I can afford it, why not? The real help is when the wedding comes around. <strong>My</strong> mom, <strong>aunts, uncles and even cousins have</strong> <strong>told me that they will help with whatever they can and that I should not worry about it.</strong> My fiance's family on the other hand has offered absolutely nothing, and to me it just does not seem right. We are having parties for the families to get together and meet, and there has been no offer to help pay for anything. To me it seems extremely unfair that it is only my family helping out, and I don't think that's right at all. It's beginning to cause stupid fights between my fiance and I as well because I keep confronting him as to how much it angers me. Is anyone else dealing with a problem like this? And if so, how is it being handled? I've tried telling him he needs to talk to his family and figure it out but it seems like it just goes around in circles.
Posted by claudias91[/QUOTE]

Okay, seriously? Your aunts, uncles, and cousins have offered to help, yet you're fighting with your FI about his family (which he has NO control over) not offering to help pay for your wedding? How about being grateful that anyone wants to help.  I haven't taken a poll, but my guess is, you're in the 1% of knotties that has aunts, uncles and cousins offering to help pay for the wedding

Jessa1404

Well, of course they aren't obligated to do anything, and if the in-laws prefer not to contribute anything, I would say just be gracious and let it go.  However, maybe they are planning to chip in, and I don't see a point in the OP and her FI fighting about something that may be a non-issue with some simple communication. I'm just trying to help the OP.  She asked for advice, not to be told continuously she is out of line and rude.  I don't see anything wrong with the FI communicating with his parents to see where they stand on the subject.  

Weezy56

I understand you are trying to help, but you are missing the point. This is a non-issue in itself, whether they plan to pay or not. She needs to realize that she is in the wrong by constantly berrating her fiance about this and she needs to let go of this because it's the right thing to do. Fiance would be just as wrong to bring it up to his parents, even if it is subtly. She was told she was being out of line and rude because well, she is.

mcda04

Oh Gosh, this sounds to me like you're having "sponsors" (padrinos in Spanish). This is so tacky, please don't do this. If your family members have offered to help, it's really nice of them but I would honestly turn down their money. If your aunt decides to pay for the food for example, she can choose whatever SHE likes because she's paying. You lose control of the whole planning process because you're spending THEIR money and they have every right to ask you how it's being used.

As far as you FIGHTING with your FI about his family not paying for YOUR wedding; it's not your family's responsibility to pay for anything. Have the wedding you and your FI can afford.

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-family-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a905ff96-b15d-47a8-bcf7-55ca9e68f989Post:15d150d8-0675-4f07-9847-1de3714353b2">Re: Fiance's Family</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to put myself out there and risk getting flamed, and say that I get that it can feel a little...weird...to have your parents offer so much and have his parents offer nothing. <strong>Especially if you had a real basis to believe they might have offered to help</strong>, or if it was common in your circle for both sets of parents to help. HOWEVER, and this a giant however, no, there is nothing you can or should do about it, and yes, it is a selfish feeling to have. Personally, I think everyone is entitled to their feelings, so long as you don't impose them on anyone else, or expect anyone to solve them by giving in to what you want. So don't let this feeling hurt your relationship with FI or with his parents, because it is a long life, and it is their money to do with what they please. Just forget about it and be grateful for your family's generosity without resenting Fi's family.
Posted by nycrose2013[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ok I actually agree with every word of this.  I'll be honest - I was a little perturbed by a similar situation because his parents paid for FI's older brother's rehearsal dinner, ceremony, and reception (and let's not forget the major help they gave FI's older brother with his graduate degree, house downpayment, and car). </div><div>
</div><div>I didn't expect that much, but I was surprised by how lopsided ours is too, and I'll be the first to admit it bugs me - not because it's lopsided with respect to my parents, but because it's lopsided with respect to FI's brother.  I can tell it makes FI feel hurt and embarrassed that there's no real equality there - and that there's been no discussion or explanation for it (ie: money is tight now, we can't afford it anymore, etc.). It's just an unequal thing that exists.  When I see FI get visibly upset by it, it makes me angry at them on his behalf.</div><div>
</div><div>I will say this though - I did NOT pick fights with my FI over this.  OP, your FI probably feels ashamed that his family isn't matching yours.  He may even feel hurt by it, you never know.  There is nothing in the world he can do about it, and picking fights with him will only make it worse.  If you are picking fights with him over his parents' financial contribution, that makes YOU the bad guy here, not him and not them.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, I've discovered that the silver lining is all this is that when you aren't dependant on your inlaws, you get to call the shots.  The house that my FIL's helped pay for?  It's 2 miles away from theirs.  The car?  A make and model they wanted.  The wedding?  It was FMIL's "dream wedding" (she even referred to it as such), and it really didn't invovle much of the couples' ideas.  And that's totally fine because it's THEIR MONEY.  Read these boards and you will see time and again that money comes with strings, and you are obligated to take the contributor's wants/ideas into account when you accept their contribution.  But when it's your money, you get to be free from that sort of thing and don't have to worry about accommodating their wishes.  We live about 2+ hours away - and they hate that - but there's nothing in the world they can do about it, because they do not contribute to our daily lives financially.

</div>

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-family-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a905ff96-b15d-47a8-bcf7-55ca9e68f989Post:e2b6e119-e306-430a-9ac7-667fc9b32b45">Re: Fiance's Family</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, of course they aren't obligated to do anything, and if the in-laws prefer not to contribute anything, I would say just be gracious and let it go.  However, <strong>m aybe they are planning to chip in,</strong> and I don't see a point in the OP and her FI fighting about something that may be a non-issue with some simple communication.  I'm just trying to help the OP.  She asked for advice, not to be told continuously she is out of line and rude.  I don't see anything wrong with the FI communicating with his parents to see where they stand on the subject.  
Posted by Jessa1404[/QUOTE]

When adults are planning to offer a gift they, you know, offer it.  They don't require any prompting, subtle or otherwise.  OP needs to step back and realize that she's out of line for bringing this up at all, apologize to her fiance for being a PIA, and thank her fiance for having the sense to not ask his parents for any money thus keeping her from looking greedy to her FILs.