How causal is too casual-backyard reception?

thefuturemrmrsbunch

I am planning a very small and inimate backyard wedding.  I am contemplating asking guests to bring a side dish to the reception.  I am just wondering what others think.  Thanks 

salt78

NO. Do NOT have a potluck wedding. Please.

laurenclaire1386

A reception is a thank you to your guests for coming to your wedding. Asking them to feed themselves, ie bring a dish, is rude, IMO.

[Deleted User]

I think it's a really bad idea. You can have catered BBQ or something, but please don't ask guests to bring food to your reception.

betrothed123

Having been to a number of potlucks, that actually went over well (they were expected in the circle), I'd say don't do it.  You shouldn't ask your guests to work for your wedding.  If you can't afford to feed everyone, invite less people.  If it's not about the money, get some BBQ catered.

georgia_bride09

I would find it weird to have to bring a dish to a wedding.

Casual =/= potluck

You and your FI should still provide all the food even if it is a casual reception. Key word: reception.

Mrs.B6302007

Casual BBQ reception?  Fine

Casual potluck reception?  Not fine.  Guests should not have to supply their own TY party.

SwedishChick2011

It's pretty rude to ask your guests to prepare something for the reception, especially if you're expecting gifts as well.  Even if you aren't expecting gifts, it's still rude. 

Brie2010

Aside from the fact that it's rude, it's also a logistical nightmare.  Who's going to keep stuff hot that needs to be hot, and cold stuff cold?  How are you going to arrange it so you don't wind up with 40 pans of brownies and nothing else? 

opalsky007

Everyone here is right--the point of a reception is to thank your guests for coming.

If you're tight on cash, invite fewer people, or offer less expensive foods. If you can't afford a full meal for the number of guests you want to invite, you could do finger foods or desserts pretty inexpensively. Just don't schedule the reception around a traditional meal time, and say "dessert reception" or whatever on the invitation.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_causal-casual-backyard-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a920b6ef-7e15-40f8-9d18-49e003e75b99Post:21332ae7-1ab4-410e-9178-92c809dce908">Re: How causal is too casual-backyard reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would find it weird to have to bring a dish to a wedding. Casual =/= potluck You and your FI should still provide all the food even if it is a casual reception. Key word: reception.
Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

I agree with this completely.

I'm all for casual backyard weddings, but I still think you should provide all the food and drink since it's your wedding.

ExpatPumpkin

I agree with everyone else's answer...  

And there's also this to think about:  If someone makes a dish, she feels responsible for it.  Keeping it hot/cold/covered/uncovered, etc.  Unless you'll have professional caterers there to absolutely take over the food, people won't really be able to enjoy themselves because they'll constantly be checking on their dish...  

Guests are supposed to be there to enjoy themselves, not help look after the buffet.  I wouldn't do this.  Good luck

skiingstark

Pot lucks weddings are rude.

Great ways to save on money so you can feed you guest are:

1) Less guests.
2) Look into cheaper catering like, Boston Market or barque place.
3) Have a cake and punch reception.Make sure guest know about it ahead of time and do not hold the reception during dinner time (think early or late reception)
4) Hold a brunch reception. Breakfast/lunch food is normally cheaper than dinner food.

mwhitson14

Like betrothed, potluck receptions aren't a big deal in my area, but still don't do it. You can still get good food catered cheap, and your guests don't have to worry about bringing a dish. Or like pp said, cake and punch is totally fine. Half the weddings I've been to have been Sunday afternoon cake and punch deals. It's what our wedding would have been if our church allowed Sunday weddings.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'm with Brie and Expat. Who do I ask about the ingredients in a dish? How are they going to be kept warm or cold? When will guests bring the food? Before or after the ceremony? Who will wash the dishes and look after the table? Will guests get their cookware back?

All that is beside the point that you shouldn't ask guests to provide the reception. You wouldn't charge them for food or drink, so why ask them to bring their own meal?

MyNameIsNot

We had a party a few years ago.  I got it catered at the grocery store for about $5/pp.  I could have catered the sides and gotten someone to grill out chicken and burgers for even less. 

Casual receptions are great.  Asking your guests to provide the food isn't. 

squirrly

Beyond all of the excellent points above:

What if you end up with 17 macaroni & cheese dishes, and not one single salad? 

What if each side really only feeds 6 people?  What about the people at the end of the line?

Do you REALLY know how clean everyone's kitchen is?  I know of people who won't eat at potlucks because of this.

Serving implements at a potluck are a horrible mess.  As is getting everyone's dish back to them at the end.

MaureenandCarmine

I feel the need to give a dissenting opinion. My wedding is going to be a fairly casual cookout at a local park after the ceremony. The idea of potluck has actually been suggested to us by many family members and friends on both sides. We have opted out because we are expecting 150 people and it's just too impractical to organize all of that. However, I don't think that anyone would be offended if it was suggested to them. If your wedding is smaller than mine (we both just have huge families)  and people aren't traveling from out of town it may be less impractical. It might also be a nice way for friends and family members to contribute and feel involved. I have to respectfully disagree with the concept that a reception is just a way to thank guests for coming. It can also be a family style get together that is less to impress people and more to let people relax and bond. A potluck might be too involved and it might take a lot of work and organization. However if it is right for you and your family then I wouldn't worry about the single great aunt who wispers the word tacky under her breath. You can't please everybody.

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_causal-casual-backyard-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a920b6ef-7e15-40f8-9d18-49e003e75b99Post:fb0f607e-91ef-4702-89cf-8100be07bde2">Re: How causal is too casual-backyard reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to respectfully disagree with the concept that a reception is just a way to thank guests for coming. It can also be a family style get together that is less to impress people and more to let people relax and bond.
Posted by MaureenandCarmine[/QUOTE]

<h2 class="me">re⋅cep⋅tion</h2> <span class="pronset"><span style="display:inline;" class="show_spellpr"><span style="display:inline;" class="pron_toggle"><a title="Click to show IPA" class="pronlink"></a> </span> </span> </span> <div class="Lsentnce"><div class="Lis"><a id="us" style="color:#333333;text-decoration:underline;" href="http://ask.reference.com/web?q=Use+reception+in+a+Sentence&qsrc=2892&o=101993" class="AU">Use <strong style="color:#333333;">reception</strong> in a Sentence</a></div></div> <div id="webres"><div class="Lis"><a id="wl" style="color:#333333;text-decoration:underline;" href="http://ask.reference.com/web?q=reception&o=100049" class="AU">See web results for <strong>reception</strong></a></div></div> <div id="imgres"><div class="Lis"><a id="il" style="color:#333333;text-decoration:underline;" href="http://ask.reference.com/pictures?q=reception&o=100049" class="AU">See images of <strong>reception</strong></a></div></div> <span class="pg">–noun </span> <table border="0" class="luna-Ent"> <tbody><tr> <td class="dnindex" width="35">1.</td> <td>the act of receiving or the state of being received.</td> </tr> </tbody> </table> <table border="0" class="luna-Ent"> <tbody><tr> <td class="dnindex" width="35">2.</td> <td>a manner of being received: <span class="ital-inline">The book met with a favorable reception. </span></td> </tr> </tbody> </table> <table border="0" class="luna-Ent"> <tbody><tr> <td class="dnindex" width="35">3.</td> <td><strong>a function or occasion when persons are formally received: <span class="ital-inline">a wedding reception. </span></strong></td> </tr> </tbody> </table> <table border="0" class="luna-Ent"> <tbody><tr><td class="dnindex" width="35">4.</td> <td>the quality or fidelity attained in receiving radio or television broadcasts under given circumstances.</td></tr></tbody> </table>
The definition of a reception is to receive(entertain) your guests, so actually, a reception is "JUST" a thank you to your guests.  You can do this, and still allow your guests to just have a good time and relax and bond, without asking your guests to work your party.

Mrs.B6302007

I have to respectfully disagree with the concept that a reception is just a way to thank guests for coming. It can also be a family style get together that is less to impress people and more to let people relax and bond.
Posted by MaureenandCarmine

It's a reception, not a family reunion.  Yes, it can be casual and feel like a reunion but if it follows a wedding ceremony, it is still a reception.  Also, OP is considering asking her guests to do this; it would be different if her guests offered but they're most likely not going to do that.

Sinope

Feeding your guests a full meal is nice.  It is not mandatory.  Why?  Because nothing is mandatory; this is your wedding and your reception, however you want to define it.  If people are horrified at the thought of bringing a dish to your wedding, then a) they can come without a dish, or b) they can not come.  Once again: it's your wedding.  If you need/want to save money that way, do it.  Just be aware that some of your more traditional guests may have the response of the people on this message board.

A practical tip: I would do a little more planning than just telling people "bring a dish."  Pick a friend who's good at logistics, and ask them to organize it -- have people e-mail them, or say what they're bringing on their invitation response.  One couple I saw even listed the "menu" on their wedding website!  That way, you avoid the problem of 30 salads, and you can know in advance if you'll need to buy a little food to make up the difference

AntjeOct2010

Funny real life story.

My grandmother, for months, insisted I have a potluck reception.  Every time I was on the phone with her she would bring it up and say it would end up being a perfectly nice wedding and that my aunt and uncle had done it years ago.  Mind you, they got married over 15 years ago and it was just family, some friends as well as church members.  So in a way it was expected.

My grandmother could not get it through her head that potluck reception are just plain tacky.  And if anyone where to even mention a reception was potluck, no one would show up.  It just isn't done.

Then again my grandmother thinks the whole wedding industry is ridiculous and over priced and she believes brides shouldn't have such high standards.  Good for her.

Either way, please don't have a potluck reception.  It just looks bad asking your guests to bring food.  

CM1224

I would think it's rude if anyone asked me to bring food to supply THEIR reception. Even if it was a family member.

mt729

While I personally am not going the pot-luck route, I am surprised (ok, not that surprised) you're getting such harsh feedback. You might enjoy Sara Cotner's blog 2000dollarwedding.com. The whole site is dedicated to keeping wedding's personal and true to the couple. Here is what she says on put-luck meals:

I was also able to find lots of forums that talk about how "tacky" a potluck wedding is. Matt and I tried to avoid this kind of judgment from others by only inviting our closest friends and family. Of course there are still critical people within that circle, but they loved us enough to respect that we wanted a wedding that expressed our values as a couple. Plus, several of them ended up enjoying those things that seemed "tacky" initially.

I don't understand why asking your friends and family to contribute a small piece of themselves to share with the community is considered "tacky" or "budget." To me, it's an amazing way to build community and connection among your friends and family. Further, it's the way weddings were done for hundreds of years before consumerism took over. It's also fun!

Hope that helps! -Megan

dsg728

you could always have select family members cook the food instead of having all the guests bring a dish.

armjam

I think that having all of the guests feed themselves isn't very reception-like but it also all depends on the people coming.  I know in my case, though I'm only doing finger foods, so many of my Aunts and women in my church are just begging to make something.  Like my wedding planner told me, don't deny them this blessing they want to give you if it is what they want to give.

I think a complete pot-luck might be asking too much though.

jackiebertram

This topic is a little hard to judge because all families are different. For example, my family knew we weren't going to have enough money to hire some elaborate caterer, so they offered to make all of the food. After thinking about it logistically, I just didn't want them to do so much work so I did a TON of research and found a caterer who was pretty inexpensive and we're only doing appetizers. BUT when we did our consult, we were too full to even finish the amount of food allocated to each person so we knew we were getting a good deal. Another option and something a friend did that worked really well was ordering party platters especially made for special events from a grocery store. It's cheap and really worked out nicely! And I actually have heard of potluck weddings working out but I would probably only have someone bring something if they had previously offered to and if you felt comfortable enough asking them.

lindseroo

My cousin had a potluck reception.  She had her wedding on her family farm in Montana.  Enough said.

What we are actually planning to do in order to save money is a "family" potluck.  We are going to have all of our aunts and other willing relatives prepare mass amounts of several side dishes, then present them in nice serving dishes as if they were prepared by a caterer.  We are going to pay for all of the food, but just have them prepare it.  We will save LOADS and no one will really know the difference.

Relatives won't mind contributing.  Others will find it pretty tacky.

Mrs.B6302007

Feeding your guests a full meal is nice.  It is not mandatory.  Why?  Because nothing is mandatory; this is your wedding and your reception, however you want to define it.

Wrong.  You don't have a party for your guests and not feed them.  And it's not the B&G's reception.  It's for the GUESTS.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_causal-casual-backyard-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a920b6ef-7e15-40f8-9d18-49e003e75b99Post:eec1dc96-bb85-4ca0-9848-568dc054b4a0">Re: How causal is too casual-backyard reception?</a>:
[QUOTE] I don't understand why asking your friends and family to contribute a small piece of themselves to share with the community is considered "tacky" or "budget." To me, it's an amazing way to build community and connection among your friends and family. Further, it's the way weddings were done for hundreds of years before consumerism took over. It's also fun! Hope that helps! -Megan
Posted by mt729[/QUOTE]

Because you're asking guests to feed themselves on top of the fact that most of them are going to bring a congratulatory gift.  The least a B&G can do is provide a meal for their guests for taking time out of their day to watch B&G exchange vows and bring B&G a gift.  Receptions are not about the B&G.

ricksang

If you are going to have a potluck, make all the food yourself. My first wedding was a potluck (that my mom and ex MIL did) and the food was awesome.