Wedding Etiquette Forum

How to get this through her head?

My Fi's dad is putting a lot of money in our wedding, so we had agreed that a part of the guest list was in his hands. He could invite who he wanted. Little did we expect to see a certain name on the guest list, we both really do NOT want on our day.

When we first met, my Fi was dating another woman. He left her for me and it wasn't pretty. Thing is, his stepmother's still friends with his ex and has decided to invite her. This is the woman who kept texting me that I was a filthy *****. Who kept showing up on his doorstep and end up slapping him. Who had started an entire slander campaign against us. It almost brought us down and gave me lots of evenings where I would just sit down and cry. Still I can understand her, if I were in her place.. However, understanding isn't the same thing as, we'd love to have her on the most special day of our life. We do not want this woman on our guest list. Chances are very small that she'll actually show up but it's just a matter of principle. 

Me and my Fi refuse to send her an invitation but his stepmother keeps on telling us that it's a matter of principle for her as well. She's her best friend who also went through a hard time back then and she doesn't want to let her friend think that she's picking sides. She hopes that this way the differences can be mended but I'm afraid she's being too naive. I don't think his ex will ever forgive us nor do I think that an invite to our wedding will be a great way to start... 

How do I let my future stepmother-in-law see this? We already sat down with her. His father won't help us, he'd give everything to that woman. And his mother and her... let's just say that's another thing to worry about...

Re: How to get this through her head?

  • If I was the ex, I wouldn't want to go to the wedding. Do you think the ex will show up?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-through-her-head?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9ab4397-c869-4cb3-b104-bf7998e04d42Post:ec2b46cf-ece1-46cf-9cf2-c8a9ddd76dca">Re: How to get this through her head?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to How to get this through her head? : If she actually did this, there is your out. Your FI needs to take a stand and say, <strong>"I'm sorry, but we won't be having someone who assaulted me as a guest at our wedding." If he dad/step-mom keep pressing, decline their offer of money and pay for the wedding on your own, with the guest list you want.
    </strong>Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    This, as has been said on other threads, on other days......

    LISTEN TO MILKDUDS, she is very, very wise!
  • No, I don't think so. It's just that I believe it's not very pleasant to have an invitation of the wedding of your ex with the woman he left you for. I think it's just an invitation for more trouble...
  • What MilkDuds says.  You'll have to put your foot down.  If you parents still won't give, you really only have 2 choices.

    1.  suck it up and invite her
    2.  pay for the wedding yourself so you have complete control of the guest list
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-through-her-head?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9ab4397-c869-4cb3-b104-bf7998e04d42Post:ec2b46cf-ece1-46cf-9cf2-c8a9ddd76dca">Re: How to get this through her head?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to How to get this through her head? : If she actually did this, there is your out. Your FI needs to take a stand and say, "I'm sorry, but we won't be having someone who assaulted me as a guest at our wedding." If he dad/step-mom keep pressing, decline their offer of money and pay for the wedding on your own, with the guest list you want.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    THIS!

    Your FI should be the one dealing with this though. I would not want someone like that at my wedding. If they refuse to remove her from the guest list then tell them you'd rather pay for the whole wedding yourself so you can decide your own guest list.

    Good luck
  • If it were just about the money, we were out of it straight away. It's just that we don't have the money for the wedding they think is "right". I think declining the money would be enough reason for an arguement... Right now, the word "elope" is popping up in my head.
  • I think it's a slap in the face (ha) to send an invitation to the woman who was left for someone else. "Hey, I dumped you for this chick, so come see us get married!" Why would anyone think it's okay to send her an invitation since it clearly ended badly?

    In any case, I agree with duds.
  • Honesty it almost seems like a slap in the face to the ex. I would put it that way to his dad. I think it's awkward to send an invitation to her and rude. It almost looks like rubbing it in her face.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would have FI tell the stepmom that you won't be inviting her because 1) he feels like it will be taken as a jab rather than an olive branch to his ex and 2) she's been violent to him in the past.  

    If FFIL makes the money conditional on this invite, walk away from the money.  
  • That's what I said! His stepmother just replied "Now you're thinking about her feelings??? Anyway, she's over it. Not everyone's holding onto things like a child like you are...". There's just no reasoning!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-through-her-head?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9ab4397-c869-4cb3-b104-bf7998e04d42Post:07d0e8ee-dca6-42cc-8421-32a54f5488fa">Re: How to get this through her head?</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, I don't think so. It's just that I believe it's not very pleasant to have an invitation of the wedding of your ex with the woman he left you for. I think it's just an invitation for more trouble...
    Posted by 9crimes[/QUOTE]
    I agree. Unless she's over it by now, I would think an invitation to the wedding of your ex and the woman he left you for would probably bring to the surface some residual feelings. It could definitely lead to trouble.
  • If my own father wanted me to invite someone that slapped me...I would be having a serious talk with him.

    Your FI needs to tell them that she physically attacked him, thus he never wants to see her again. If they can't understand that, you have huge issues. But yeah you will have to turn down the money unless they understand.

    Planning Bio
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  • If I were the ex I would be way to embaressed to go.

    If someone physically hit me I wouldn't let it go either.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-through-her-head?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9ab4397-c869-4cb3-b104-bf7998e04d42Post:c427c17e-3113-4651-8b0a-54493fb224ef">Re: How to get this through her head?</a>:
    [QUOTE]How old is your FI's stepmom?
    Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, I'm curious too.  I'm stuck on "my FI's ex is his stepmother's best friend".  There's an age difference *somewhere* and I'm curious where it is.
  • I agree with PP's...either invite her and suck it up (as much as that would suck if she actually DID show up) or walk away from the money. I know that you said money is an issue and you cannot afford the kind of wedding "they" want...but there are plenty of ways to do things in a less expensive way ( trust me , I know) and in the end it is not about what "they" want, its about what you and your FI want. If you do not want her there, your only option is to try to finance this thing yourself. ( and the wedding isn't for awhile, so I'm sure if you went that route, you would have plenty of time to figure out how to scale back). Good luck :)
  • My Fi's stepmum is only 3 years older than me and that makes her younger than my own Fi whose 9 years older than me... That's why his mother, with who I get along wonderfully doesn't even want to hear her name spoken out loud...
  • No she's not, in fact she doesn't work at all! She's what you might call a trophee wife. I've been seeing her stepson for two years now and even though I keep telling her I originate from Belgium and that that's a kingdom in Europe, she keeps on telling everyone I'm South-American.
  • I don't know, I guess I am the minority here, but if my boyfriend left me for another woman he would probably get a smack as well.

    I really don't think it is all that big of a deal to invite her, obviously it was hard for her so she reacted badly. I assume this was years (?) ago, and she is obviously over it if she is hanging around with stepmom all the time. Although it does suck to have someone there you don't like at your wedding, but if that is your only option to continue on with the wedding you are planning I jus say let it go. She either wont come, or if she does, you probably wont even notice her.

    Or of course the ideal solution would be to decline the money and scale down to a wedding you can afford.
  • edited December 2011
    <div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-through-her-head?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9ab4397-c869-4cb3-b104-bf7998e04d42Post:2378776c-b5f3-49dd-9192-f83d02cf2189">Re: How to get this through her head?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wait, Belgium is in Europe, not South America? You are blowing my mind. I think you should get her a map for Christmas. One with an arrow pointing to Belgium.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
    I like this idea! ;)  FSMIL sounds awful. And I agree with rachers on the ickiness.</div>
  • FFIL is a nice, sane man as long as you don't talk about FSMIL. He's besothed with her. "***** is a smart woman, she's probably right." 

    Vegas sounds nice... but I don't think I'll want to face her after that XD
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-through-her-head?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9ab4397-c869-4cb3-b104-bf7998e04d42Post:63a328a2-84bb-49cf-8eec-d6ada320c5d3">Re: How to get this through her head?</a>:
    [QUOTE]FFIL is a nice, sane man as long as you don't talk about FSMIL. He's besothed with her. "***** is a smart woman, she's probably right."  Vegas sounds nice... but I don't think I'll want to face her after that XD
    Posted by 9crimes[/QUOTE]

    Has your FI already told his dad "Sally came to my house and physically attacked me, so she will not be invited to the wedding. If you no longer feel comfortable paying, fine. But do you realize it feels like you are choosing someone that physical assaulted your son over your son?"

    Because if your FI has said something like the above to your FFIL then your FFIL is not sane nor nice.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • Your fiancé and his father needs to put his foot down, IMO.
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  • Yay, someone from Belgium! I live there, and I can assure you it's winter here, so I wish I was in South-America, but I'm not.

    This sounds icky and sticky. Leaving someone from somebody else is not my favorite action in the world, but if I were dating my stepmom's best friend, I'd sure want out. How does that even work, you double date with your parents? Ew. 

    I would never ever have someone of my own age tell me that my wedding is not up to her standards. Live with her wrath. Elope. To Belgium. :)
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  • Yay! Belgium! I'm missing it so much sometimes. How's the new government? 
    A wedding there would be lovely, don't give me any ideas or I start scheming and actually elope and marry in Bruges. I miss it more than everything, especially in the winter when it almost looks like a fairytale town.
    Well yes, not up to her standards, I guess it's more her frustration in failing to get engaged herself... ;)
  • Oh, we're just relieved to have one, I guess! But now that we're finally out of the government crisis, we have to be all worried about the euro. No fun.

    I'm getting married in Ghent, but Bruges would be sooo lovely! You'd have to be wearing an oldfashioned lace dress :) And the bonus is that she would get totally lost at the airport and not make it. But at least your FFIL hasn't married her yet, I guess that counts for something. 
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  • I think your FI needs to talk to his dad.  And if the step-mom is saying that it would be "picking sides" to not invite this woman to the wedding, well, yes it is.  It is picking sides to honor the request of the wedding couple to limit the guest list to only people who have not hit them.  It doesn't seem like a tough filter for most guest lists!  I would hope if she had to pick between her stepson and a friend, family might win!  If even just for a day.
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  • Honestly, if I were the exGF, I'd be offended to actually be invited to the wedding.  What the hell is his step-mom thinking?  That she'd enjoy attending the wedding of her exBF to the woman that he left her for?  I'd take that as a big slap in the face, actually, like the step-mom wants to rub it in her face that he's marrying someone else.

    Although, if the step-mom and exGF are friends, I'd assume SM isn't your biggest fan, so maybe she's hoping exGF will attend and make a scene, but that's pretty fvcked up and I don't know why your FFIL would go for that (regardless of his wife's friendship, etc, it's his son, and a wedding he's paying for, so I'm sure he wouldn't want a cat-fight there).

    So maybe you can try two different angles here, appeal to step-mom in that it's offensive to even send exGF an invite (but still be very firm that the main reason is that you absolutely don't want her there).

    And the different angle would be to approach FFIL, since he's paying, and say that in no way should a woman that assaulted his son be invited, it's disrespectful to you (and her) to invite her, and if she did come, she would likely cause a scene that would reflect poorly on FFIL, since he's hosting a large portion of the wedding.
    Anniversary
  • So his dad left his mom to be with a younger woman and your FI left his girlfriend to be with you. Am I reading that right?

    Behold your future...

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