Wedding Etiquette Forum

RSVP received w/ an uninvited person coming instead of a family member.

We sent out an invitation addressed to my fiance's Aunt, Uncle and their son & daughter.  We knew full & well that the son wouldn't be able to make it, due to being deployed in Japan, but to be nice, we still felt his name should go onto the invite.  Well, they took it upon themselves to RSVP their son's 19 year old EX-fiance, which is also their daughter's best friend, in his place.  We had a feeling this would happen, especially since we sent out the invites right before X-mas and they brought this girl over to X-mas dinner w/ our family....still not telling anyone.  And in the 5 hours she was there w/ us, she didn't speak one word to us.....yet they're inviting her to our wedding?!?

Well feel this is just rude, but how do we go about saying "no" in a nice way?  We know they consider her a part of their little family, but we don't consider her a part of our's.  We feel the only way to say it is something like: "We feel you may have misunderstood our invitation, but if your son is unable to attend, we'd like to invite another family member that we were unable to originally invite due to size/space limitations, and we hope you understand." 

Any advice????
-Erin

Re: RSVP received w/ an uninvited person coming instead of a family member.

  • I agree with edie. You're not obligated to have this person and it was rude of them to RSVP with her name in place of their son's.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-received-w-uninvited-person-coming-instead-of-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9e0a04d-823d-4c29-83bf-7ac7e3b89e6ePost:db31f92d-06f8-4c9d-a2a3-ca2b4f9f1951">RSVP received w/ an uninvited person coming instead of a family member.</a>:
    [QUOTE]We sent out an invitation addressed to my fiance's Aunt, Uncle and their son & daughter.  We knew full & well that the son wouldn't be able to make it, due to being deployed in Japan, but to be nice, we still felt his name should go onto the invite.  Well, they took it upon themselves to RSVP their son's 19 year old EX-fiance, which is also their daughter's best friend, in his place.  We had a feeling this would happen, especially since we sent out the invites right before X-mas and they brought this girl over to X-mas dinner w/ our family....still not telling anyone.  And in the 5 hours she was there w/ us, she didn't speak one word to us.....yet they're inviting her to our wedding?!? Well feel this is just rude, but how do we go about saying "no" in a nice way?  We know they consider her a part of their little family, but we don't consider her a part of our's.  We feel the only way to say it is something like: <strong>"We feel you may have misunderstood our invitation, but if your son is unable to attend, we'd like to invite another family member that we were unable to originally invite due to size/space limitations, and we hope you understand."</strong>  Any advice????
    Posted by EGHovermale[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>First of all, DO NOT tell your aunt and uncle that you are planning to invite someone else since their son can't make it. It's really rude to do that - it's called tiered invites, or B-listing - and it's even more rude to tell people that you're doing it. Please, just don't do it. </div><div>
    </div><div>It was rude of them to RSVP with an uninvited person's name, but this kind of thing is common. You'll just have to make a phone call and clear it up.</div><div>
    </div><div>You don't need to give them any reason on why they can't bring this extra person besides the fact that she is not invited. Just say "I'm sorry if the invitation was unclear, but the invitation was meant for only you and your family, not any family friends. We hope you understand." Keep it simple.</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
  • Haha thanks! :)
  • ditto cebrady and edie.  Just call them up and say she's not invited.  Don't imply b-listing.

    Unfortuantely it's a really awkward situation.  I had a friend RSVP for herself and a random chick I'd never met b/c her bf couldn't attend.  In the end I just let her bring her b/c I couldn't figure out how to explain to her that it was impolite to substitute a guest.  I'm curious how your cousin feels about his ex-fi being treated like "part of the family"  awkward...
  • Thanks everyone!  I was only going to go w/ the whol B-list thing b/c I didn't know how else to explain the situation to them.  I didn't want to imply that it was b/c of money constraints either b/c they're the type to pay for her to come so we wouldn't have to.  I just know they're going to push us and ask why it's unacceptable for her to come, even though I specifically addressed the invited to the four family members.  So we'll try to keep it simple w/ the "The invite was only for the four of you, and we hope the three of you can still make it." 

    I know the son feels weird about his ex fiance being so close w/ the family, but he just puts up w/ it.  And being as how he's in Japan, it's easier for him b/c he doesn't have to be around it. 

    -Erin
  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2012
    Good Luck.  If they push I suppose you could say that none of the other cousins are getting to bring friends, or none of your other guests were invited to include random family friends or something, but it really gets messy.  You're probably just best off to leave it at "I'm sorry you feel that way, but the invitation was only for the four of you" ...repeat.

    Better yet have your mom* do it ;-)

    edit*  just saw it's your FI's family - so have FI or FMIL do it
  • This won't change what happened, but it may help someone else.  I'm guessing that your cousin is 18 or older.  Had you followed etiquette and sent him his own invitation this wouldn't have happened.  He would have just responded "no".  There are very good reasons why adults are sent their own invitations and not just tagged on to mom and dad's. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-received-w-uninvited-person-coming-instead-of-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9e0a04d-823d-4c29-83bf-7ac7e3b89e6ePost:a3256246-6651-42c2-8b0a-ef83ead32a41">Re: RSVP received w/ an uninvited person coming instead of a family member.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to RSVP received w/ an uninvited person coming instead of a family member. : First of all, DO NOT tell your aunt and uncle that you are planning to invite someone else since their son can't make it. It's really rude to do that - it's called tiered invites, or B-listing - and it's even more rude to tell people that you're doing it. Please, just don't do it.  It was rude of them to RSVP with an uninvited person's name, but this kind of thing is common. You'll just have to make a phone call and clear it up. You don't need to give them any reason on why they can't bring this extra person besides the fact that she is not invited. Just say <strong>"I'm sorry if the invitation was unclear, but the invitation was meant for only you and your family, not any family friends. We hope you understand.</strong>" Keep it simple.
    Posted by cebrady89[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I really like this wording.  And definitely do NOT b-list any of your guests.</div>
  • Yeah, we didn't have his address in Japan and when asking his parents for the address they just said to forget about it that he wouldn't be able to make it anyway, despite us still wanting to send him one.
    -Erin
  • That's crazy! I agree with the others - you shouldn't feel pressured to let this random ex attend. That's just weird. The excuse (if you need it) that noone else is bringing friends and you would feel awkward about the "unfairness" is a good one.

    At least they rsvp'd and gave you a heads up to deal with it... I've attended friends' weddings where guests SOs haven't been available so they've brought friends (totally stranger of the B&G) in their place at the last minute which is just plain weird and rude IMHO. Good thing you can deal with this ahead of time!
  • edited January 2012
    They're wrong to substitute a guest, but honestly I would (and did for my own wedding) just let it go.  You've already budgeted the space and money for that guest and, to me, it wouldn't be worth the awkwardness to say something.
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