Wedding Etiquette Forum

Brother(s) as Groomsman

Let me first say we know we have plenty of time to pick GM's and don't plan on asking anyone for a while but here is a breakdown of a preliminary convo we had about GM's this week.  Unless something changes, which I do not foresee, I want my brother (whom I have always been close with) in the wedding party.  Due to distance my FI and my brother are not the closest, however, they get along, have lots in common, and do spend time together when we visit home.  My FI said he thinks it would be appropriate and he wouldn't mind asking him to be a GM when the time came.  Since he hadn't mentioned his brother in the conversation I brought it up.  They don't have anything in common and have never been close.  In fact until recently they didn't talk much, except at Holiday visits, until his brother got a dog and calls us to share things or ask questions since we have two.  I was still surprised that my FI said he doesn't know if he will ask him to be a GM since he was okay asking my brother.  Of course we can have his Brother included in the wedding some other way and I want my FI to make the decision.  I am just worried about hurting his families feelings, esp. his brothers.  What are your thoughts?

Re: Brother(s) as Groomsman

  • He can pick whomever he likes.  My FI picked his best friend, one of his brothers and my brother.  He didn't ask his second brother.
  • YOu choose your side, your FI chooses his side.
  • Our wedding party (not differentiated into bride's and groom's people) consists of his two brothers, my two brothers, my sister, his (male) best friend and my (female) best friend, so you can probably tell my opinion on including siblings in the wedding party. Having siblings is not required by etiquette, but it is a really good idea, especially if you only have one same-gender sibling and you are hoping to have a better relationship with him/her someday. Siblings can really surprise you the way they come out of themselves over a wedding - my extremely introverted sister is throwing herself into planning me a shower, and it's really amazing and touching.
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  • I am a little confused, are we talking about your brother or your FI's brother?


    Either way I guess it doesn't really matter. If he doesn't want his brother in the WP, then you could always ask him to stand on your side. Your FI chooses his side, you choose your side. If you want your brother to be in the WP, he can stand on your side.
  • We may be a bit different but we don't look at it as his side and my side.  It's just our wedding party.  My FI said he knew I would want my Brother in the wedding party, that it is only appropriate to, and that he would be a groomsman.  That was kind of the end of that part of the conversation.

    @specialk84: Was it brought up in any way that one of his brothers was not included in the wedding party?  Did this impact their relationship in any way?
  • I understand where you're coming from.  If he wants to better the relationship, asking his brother to be in the wedding would be a good PR move and go a long way in improviing their relationship.  If he doesn't ask, it has the potential to damage any chance of being closer to his brother.  If he's ok with that, then by all means, leave him out.

    I do understand that "you get your side, he gets his side," but there's also something to be said for family dynamics.  I'm very close with my one SIL but can't stand the other one.  However, I knew if I asked the first one but not the second, the second one would get bent out of shape, so I included her as well since it was important to me to keep the family dynamic halfway decent.  I waited until after we were married to piss them all off ;-)
  • My brother was a bridesman and stood on my side. My SILs were not in the wedding party (my husband's sisters) by we asked them each to do a reading. AFAIK, everyone was fine with that. At least I never heard any flak from either of them or my MIL. But it also depends on your relationship and how HE feels. I really, really don't think my SILs would have liked to be in the WP.

    I was nervous about including my brother, whom I'm close with, and excluding my H's sisters, but he assured me it was fine. A lot has to do with family dynamics.
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  • McKenna2012McKenna2012 member
    First Comment
    edited April 2011
    My fiance is not asking his brother b/c they are not very close.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brothers-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9f0940b-5b32-4b38-b7db-565b9922a597Post:92c36562-9ce4-4bfb-ac53-b3b291f734af">Re: Brother(s) as Groomsman</a>:
    [QUOTE]We may be a bit different but we don't look at it as his side and my side.  It's just our wedding party.  My FI said he knew I would want my Brother in the wedding party, that it is only appropriate to, and that he would be a groomsman.  That was kind of the end of that part of the conversation. <strong>@specialk84: Was it brought up in any way that one of his brothers was not included in the wedding party?  Did this impact their relationship in any way?</strong>
    Posted by whitelilly1010[/QUOTE]

    <div>FI had a pretty crappy home life while growing up, and the brother he did include is actually more of a father figure.  For instance, he got a job at 14 so his little brothers and sisters could eat.  The other brother (FI also has two sisters, and neither of them were included) has had a falling-out with most of the family because he's always mooching off of people, opening things in their names, etc.  </div><div>
    </div><div>We announced our engagement and wedding party to FI's family at Thanksgiving.  Some other stuff went down about the same time, and the non-included brother hasn't talked to anyone, other than to try to bum money and services from them.  I don't know if it had to do with not being asked to be a GM, because I had words with his GF (she tried to use me as a reference to buy a house), because FI has nothing he needs right now or for some other reason.</div><div>
    </div><div>No one specifically said, "We're not including one of the brothers."  No one has asked us why we aren't including him.</div>
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