Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed?

beaglelover12

Thanks SO much for the advice, ladies.  Really.  DD-ing for any stalkers I have out there  

wrigleyville

What does your FI think? Have you discussed it with him?

Is she planning to visit and be social, or does she want to help with last-minute things?

Whatever you decide, you need to get your FI on board since this is his mother. Additionally, this is your FMIL, so tread carefully. I would have him talk to her if you both decide you'll be too busy to do much socializing. If she really wants to help with stuff, then I'd probably call her bluff and hand her a list.

FWIW, most people understand the B&G are insanely busy the day or two before a wedding. Maybe she's coming at it from the angle of helping? If she just wants to visit before you go on your honeymoon, then maybe you can make time for brunch or dinner with her the day after the wedding (assuming you aren't leaving that morning).

RebeccaB88

I would not marry a man who couldn't say no to his mother.  I wouldn't marry a man who was 'in love' with his mother. 

Your FI should tell her no, she can't stay there that night, and why.  If he can't do that, I would seriously reconsider the marriage.  You have a FI problem, not a FMIL problem.  He needs to deal with her.  If it's your house, then certainly, you have the right to decide who stays there and who doesn't, but you should have a united front in approaching her with the answer.

beaglelover12

FI originally wanted his entire family to come stay with us before the wedding and I had to put my foot down and say no they needed to get hotels because it would be too stressful for me.  So I know for HIM, he doesn't mind.  But he is also very understanding of my feelings.  I think suggesting brunch after the wedding could be a really great compromise.  

beaglelover12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-being-unreasonable-to-be-annoyed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aa009b22-f75b-446e-bd3e-ff7d85ed8784Post:1852f01d-12e9-46b1-b78f-f1a518dbdd01">Re: Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would not marry a man who couldn't say no to his mother.  I wouldn't marry a man who was 'in love' with his mother.  Your FI should tell her no, she can't stay there that night, and why.  If he can't do that, I would seriously reconsider the marriage.  You have a FI problem, not a FMIL problem.  He needs to deal with her.  If it's your house, then certainly, you have the right to decide who stays there and who doesn't, but you should have a united front in approaching her with the answer.
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

<div>I never said he couldn't say no to his mother and that's a pretty insulting thing to say.  My FI never had a father and his mother raised him to be the person I love today.  I may not like her, but I respect her and my FI has every right to be in love with her.  Good day.</div>

wrigleyville

Whoa, Rebecca. She didn't say he was arguing with her about it. She just said her FI is a bit of a momma's boy and has trouble saying no to her. I got the impression she was checking about etiquette before going to her FI about this, as in would it be bad to say no to FMIL.

I wouldn't say it's time to re-evaluate the marriage just based on her first post. Sheesh.

ETA: I see the OP's response now. OP, I would just explain, "You're going to be at work all day, and I'm going to be so terribly busy finalizing everything with various people. I worry we wouldn't be able to spend much time with her. Maybe we can have her over for brunch on Sunday and spend some quality time with her?"

gundy21

My parents stayed at a hotel the few days before our wedding.  I was happy for their help when needed, but appreciated having some space and time for just me and then FI.  I love them dearly and they knew that it was best to stay somewhere besides our house then (they do stay with use when they visit under "normal" conditions).

beaglelover12

having a hard time saying no =/= can't

beaglelover12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-being-unreasonable-to-be-annoyed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aa009b22-f75b-446e-bd3e-ff7d85ed8784Post:6bb006cc-552e-4300-915f-028a0c77bcdd">Re: Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed?</a>:
[QUOTE]Whoa. She didn't say he was arguing with her about it. She just said her FI is a bit of a momma's boy and has trouble saying no to her. I got the impression she was checking about etiquette before going to her FI about this, as in would it be bad to say no to FMIL. I wouldn't say it's time to re-evaluate the marriage just based on her first post. Sheesh.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Haha, thank you!  I happen to like how much respect FI has for his mother.  I know that he will insist our children show the same respect to me. </div>

itzMS

We didn't let anyone from OOT stay with us. DH & I didn't want our stress to rub off on any of our parents or guests.

Maybe you and FI could have a dinner with FMIL privately on Thursday evening?

Or, you could invite her to come stay for a weekend in a few months when all the wedding hoopla is over...

bunni727

We had breakfast with my parents, his mom, and our siblings the day after the wedding. It was nice to spend a little extra time with them before we left for the honeymoon, when my mind was not on last minute menu changes or putting together welcome bags. That--or brunch, or lunch, etc--seems like it could be a good solution for you guys.

beaglelover12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-being-unreasonable-to-be-annoyed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aa009b22-f75b-446e-bd3e-ff7d85ed8784Post:7f4b097c-7d68-49d9-864d-b3e7f5e7555b">Re: Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed?</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't let anyone from OOT stay with us.<strong> DH & I didn't want our stress to rub off on any of our parents or guests</strong>. Maybe you and FI could have a dinner with FMIL privately on Thursday evening? Or, you could invite her to come stay for a weekend in a few months when all the wedding hoopla is over...
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly.  I get stressed insanely easily and really don't want to snap at her.</div>

beaglelover12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-being-unreasonable-to-be-annoyed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aa009b22-f75b-446e-bd3e-ff7d85ed8784Post:4fd02bb6-39c7-4126-9c74-3e048699d875">Re: Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed?</a>:
[QUOTE]We had breakfast with my parents, his mom, and our siblings the day after the wedding. It was nice to spend a little extra time with them before we left for the honeymoon, when my mind was not on last minute menu changes or putting together welcome bags. That--or brunch, or lunch, etc--seems like it could be a good solution for you guys.
Posted by bunni727[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, I think I will propose this to FI.  Great suggestions.</div>

kmmssg

I think your FI needs to talk to his mother and defer to your feelings on this.  FMIL probably has some warm and fuzzy expectations of a kumbaya moment with you guys just before your wedding.  Reality isn't going to match her expectations.  I really think he could nicely explain to her how crazy busy you guys are going to be and ask her to get a hotel.

crash2729

Beagle-What if your FMIL stayed at a hotel and then your FI could go spend the day with her and you could join them for a meal and do the rest of what you need to do during the day?

SKPM

Not unreasonable at all. There is no way I would have agreed to host anyone, especially FMIL, the two days before our wedding. Our house was a wreck with wedding stuff everywhere, and our kitchen was deliberately bare as we were leaving for a ten day honeymoon the day after the wedding. Plus, I like being comfortable in my own home, and being able to be at home and have some peace away from all the family and wedding activities was crucial.

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-being-unreasonable-to-be-annoyed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aa009b22-f75b-446e-bd3e-ff7d85ed8784Post:52a8f4ec-013c-410c-9595-81ae6200d3e7">Re: Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed? : Haha, thank you!  I happen to like how much respect FI has for his mother.  I know that he will insist our children show the same respect to me. 
Posted by beaglelover12[/QUOTE]

You're welcome. I just get sick of seeing that party line tossed out over seemingly trivial things.

"My FI uses a spork, but I like regular silverware."
"You don't have a silverware problem. You have an FI problem. I'd reconsider getting married. Red flag!"

speedyblazer11

You are not being unreasonable. you will be busy! she should understand that this is going to be one of your biggest stress filled days. if you do decide to tell her no make sure you talk to your man first though so you can be a united front.  if she doesn't understand then at least you won't be the only one she is mad!

QueerFemme

OP - It is considered rude around here to delete or change your original post when you got replies.   I realize you said "DD" for stalkers out there.   But, as long as you aren't using your name, email, etc., likely, people won't find you. 

Also, based on the topic of the replies, if someone is stalking you, and knows your log in, they are still going to pretty much know that you were complaining about his mama.

PJSPJS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-being-unreasonable-to-be-annoyed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aa009b22-f75b-446e-bd3e-ff7d85ed8784Post:acdc2b11-02a4-4406-9777-ebaac6d343fc">Re: Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed? : You're welcome. I just get sick of seeing that party line tossed out over seemingly trivial things. "My FI uses a spork, but I like regular silverware." "You don't have a silverware problem. You have an FI problem. I'd reconsider getting married. Red flag!"
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]<div>Agreed.

</div>

Avion22

FWIW, my husband and I had a date night on the Thursday before our wedding.  Our families actually suggested it.  It gave us a really good opportunity to have a romantic and fun evening with just the two of us before the craziness of wedding weekend started on Friday morning.  

I think hosting his mother for dinner (or meeting for lunch, or whatever) on Thursday is a good compromise.  Keep it limmited to a few hours so it doesn't stress you out.  And if you do this, then please go out on a date with just the two of you on Wednesday night!!!